Thank you!

Thank you!  It is so heartwarming to know that so many people are lifting Mike and I up in prayer.  Your support and encouragement helps me to face each day with a smile.  I am not going to lie, some days it is really hard, but I think of all of you that are praying for us and constantly cheering for us and it keeps me going!  I am also thankful to be busy in a "normal" way instead of busy hounding the insurance company!! Seeing the faces of my kiddos at school brightens my day!  Now that I am back at school it is very apparent that I had a one track mind this summer.  At the end of the school day I almost feel guilty that I am not thinking about all things infertility like I did all summer long.  I know I was making Mike crazy because I was hyper-focused on the situation.  I didn't realize how much it was hurting me though.  How much infertility began to DEFINE me.  I recognize that it isn't healthy to be that hyper-focused on anything... which is why I tried crocheting, sewing, painting, watching every season of Parenthood from the pilot to the season that is about to start, etc...  Unfortunately most projects became focused on practicing so that by the time we had a baby I would be a pro!  And watching so many episodes of a t.v. show in a row made me feel like a HUGE LOSER!!! Not exactly the relaxation I needed.  Reading, which I used to LOVE, is a hobby of my past.  I have been working on "The Storyteller" for all of 2014 and though it is a great book I am so distracted that I keep having to reread.  I find myself drifting off and getting lost in my thoughts and realizing that I have read the words and turned the pages, but I haven't comprehended a single word.

So, as we face our IUI attempt tomorrow I am going to be hopeful.  I am going to visualize success.  And I am going to do my best to not cry through the shots that they told me are going to be very painful! Then, I am going to try to diversify focus in my life.  I am not infertility.  I can't let who I am get lost in this situation.  If I am being honest, I feel like I have done an amazing job of this externally.  I work hard to put on a brave face, be supportive of others, and get things done.  Internally I am struggling more.  I don't have a "Why me?" attitude, but I definitely feel trapped by this.  Instead of why me I think I frequently ask myself, "If I am not going to be a momma, what am I going to be?"  And I think the major problem is that I don't really know... I didn't really have back up plans.  Having babies is such a natural thing.  People spend lots of money trying to prevent it every day... that is how natural it is, people have to prevent it! Those are the things that make me sad and, for lack of better terms, feel like less.  Moving forward I need to find things that help me to feel like I am living life again instead of going through the motions.  So, that is my new plan.  We will see how that goes! ;)

Thank you again for all of your suport.  I am sure that there will not be as many updates after tomorrow because we will not have the crazy appointment schedule that we have had over the last couple weeks.  I might be updating about the shots and seeking out support and ideas for the pain... although Mike seems to think that my large rump will help me not to feel the shots as much! ;)  (He really is a great guy!  Honestly!!!) Then, I think we just wait.  Wait and hope that somehow an egg makes it to my uterus.  My poor Fallopian tubes are so worn out and frayed, but hopefully all the stimulants I have been injecting gave them a little pep!! :) AND, we have been told several times that my lining looks PERFECT, so if somehow an egg makes it and an embryo is formed I am happy to know that it will have a nice, cozy home for the next 9 months!!! I just have to remember that miracles happen EVERY DAY!!! And, that all things will happen in God's perfect timing.  You are all amazing and I appreciate you more than I can ever say!
I better get to bed! Tomorrow is a big day!! :)