Post injections sonogram #1

Today we went to Peoria for our first internal sonogram since starting the injections.  I have to admit that I was EXTREMELY excited AND nervous.  When we went in for our baseline sonogram for the cycle we were supposed to have in June we had 8 follicles on one side and 10 on the other.  That was before injections, so I was convinced that we would have a crazy amount of follicles and even had a fair amount of fear that I could become overstimulated because I am usually so sensitive to medications.  Our appointment was at 2:00 in the afternoon, so I went to the morning part of institute, not even really thinking that there was a possibility that we could have a bad report... after all, it is Mike's Birthday!  Only good news on Mike's birthday!!

When we got to the appointment we didn't have to wait at all.  I didn't even get to sit down before we were called back.  Always a nice thing!! Another reason I felt like today was going to be AWESOME!!! Then we went back into the room where they did my blood work and told me that the doctor would be right in for my sonogram... and he was!! NO WAITING!!! And, the doctor was really nice, even though it was the one we weren't so sure of before.  So, he started the sonogram and the first thing that he told us was that the uterine lining was "beautiful" and that it was "perfect for IVF".  WOW!! That is abnormal for me.  My lining is always a train wreck!! What an awesome day!! So exciting.  Then he found a follicle that measured 13mm.  I was excited about that because I knew that over 10 on the first sonogram was what they were looking for.  They are looking for 18mm or larger for retrieval.  Then, he said that there were no other measurable follicles on that ovary.  His demeanor  definitely changed at that point.  You could tell he was kind of disappointed that there were not more follicles maturing.  But, he started looking for the other ovary to see if it was better.  The problem was that he had already looked at my good ovary.  He finally found my other ovary completely stuck to the back side of the top of my uterus.  That is when he said this is "not good" and this is "very bad".  He said it appeared that I had a 22mm cyst on that ovary and no other measurable follicles.  He also said that even if follicles did mature on that ovary it would be extremely difficult to get to them because it would cause a "Uterus Shish Kabob".  (You're welcome for the visual!)

So, after letting us know that this was not good news he said that it could still be okay, that starting the medication is always a guessing game during the first cycle and that he would just have to give me more meds to help stimulate the follicles.  He said to meet him in the office and he would set us up.  When we got out there he had looked at my file.  He said, "This is not good. You are already on a high dosage. I will put you on the maximum dosage and we will hope that it works.  I think it is your endometriosis eating at your ovaries.  Also, it appears that you have a low egg reserve, which is common with endometriosis."  At that point many things that we had learned in the past began flying through my brain.  The doctor also started saying, "Remember, we only need one good embryo to make this successful.  I have had this happen before.  There was an Indian woman with one embryo who ended up with identical twins (then he asks the nurse to confirm this for me)."  I realized at that point that they were trying to give me hope in a situation that is grim.  Though I appreciated the gesture I also just wanted to cry.  Instead I put on a smile, thanked them for their help and told them that I would see them on Wednesday.  At that point we paid our copay and then we were stopped because we hadn't paid for the "storage fee" that needs to be paid ahead of time for freezing of extra embryos.  The look on the poor nurses face was terrible when she said, "Of course we will refund it if you have nothing to freeze."  I am sure she hated to even ask for hundreds of dollars from us after hearing how horrible the appointment went.  I actually felt sorry for her when I told her that we had forgotten the checkbook and that we would bring it on Wednesday and take care of it then.

Tonight I went to Backpack night and put on a happy face.  It was nice to see the families and all of my kiddos.  Then I came home and did my maximum dosage shot.  I gave it to myself in the thigh because my stomach is so bruised from all the other injections... BIG MISTAKE!!! It hurt SO bad!! I actually yelled and cried because it hurt so much.  Not at the injection site, but closer to my hip.  It was terrible.  I don't know if I can do that again.  I guess my poor stomach will just be more and more bruised.  Then, I made Mike a birthday dinner.  I am truly thankful that Mike is so wonderful about the situation.  It is definitely not easy to go through, especially when it seems that every time things start to look up they come crashing down, but having such a wonderful support system helps to at least keeping me upright.
For now we will continue the injections and hope for the best. Not only will we continue the maximum dosage, but we start a new medication tomorrow.  So, hopefully the combination will be just what we need!

Thank you for your continued thoughts and prayers.  I am so thankful that I have such a wonderful support system.  Tonight I am feeling a little bitter that the chance for the June cycle (when my follicles were plentiful) was taken from us and that it might mean that our chances for having a child were taken from us.  I am bitter that some people don't think of the way that they are impacting others before making decisions.  I am bitter that some people do not practice ethical behavior, but preach it.  (There is so much more that is bubbling inside of me, but I would feel guilty if I added it.) Hmmm... maybe a "little bitter" was an understatement.  I know that bitterness is an awful thing and that it will eat me up.  I am trying to find the silver lining, but it is tough right now.  Hopefully things will look brighter in the morning.  And, if they don't, I will still go in with a smile and do what I always do because that is who I am.

Hopefully the next post has a happier spin to it. I just don't have it in me tonight to sugar coat things or pretend like some people don't suck... maybe Wednesday!  End of bitter rant!! ;)