Friday's IUI

Yesterday's IUI procedure seemed to go well.  We arrived for Mike's portion of the day at 8:15 a.m., went to Bob Evans for breakfast, and went back to my appointment at 9:30.  The first thing they said was check your names and birth dates and then they said "Well, the sperm look good!".  I couldn't help but chuckle.  There are some things that I just never expected to become normal in my life, that is one of them! ;)

The procedure seemed to go well.  I had minimal cramping.  They said that they preferred that I didn't take any Advil or anything because I would be ovulating soon.  I told them that the cramping was nothing compared to the pain that I am used to. Then they pulled an extension out of the table and told me to relax. The nurse handed me a form and said that I needed to take it to a local hospital for a blood test to see if the IUI was successful.  We have no further appointments with the specialist at this time.  Then, the doctor, med student, and nurse all left the room and Mike and I realized that we had NO idea what we were doing!  HAHAH!! There was a timer ticking, but they hadn't mentioned anything about it.  The timer was SO loud.  We just kept looking at each other and laughing about the fact that we were just left with no instructions other then "no Advil" and "get a blood test"! The timer finally went off after what seemed like forever, but the ticking continued.  We began to wonder if we were really done or if that was just a midpoint or something.  So, I sent Mike to find out... I heard him say to the doctor and nurses that he had a question.  The doctor replied, "Does it have to be me that answers it?" in a serious voice.  Mike said, "Anyone who has the answer can answer it!"  Then, he asked them what we were supposed to do now that the timer went off.  The nurse said, "You can leave."  Have I mentioned before that this place isn't quite as personable as the previous facility!!! I know they were SUPER busy that day, but I felt like we were kind of an inconvenience.  Then, we were leaving and I stopped to ask the nurse what our next step was toward and October IVF cycle.  She seemed very surprised.  She said, "Oh, you are interested in trying again in October?"  I guess she was surprised that I wanted to try again because the injections were not at all effective and we were on the highest dosage.  I said that the doctor had mentioned that we could try again with a new protocol and that we were interested in that.  She said that we could do that if we wanted to, but if we wanted to talk to him first it would be pretty difficult because he will be out of the country for the month of September.  She then said that if I have a negative blood test in September I will start birth control again in preparation of the October cycle.  Mike and I left feeling that the experience was strange!
After an uncomfortable drive home I slept for 3 hours!  When I woke up the cramping was much worse.  I suspect that it was due to ovulation and the huge cyst that had formed.  Today I have had some light cramping, but nothing terrible.  It just comes and goes.  I have read in a lot of places on-line that cramping can be a good sign!  I have also read that it can be a bad sign... you know how Google is!! ;)  For now I just have to be hopeful that all will turn out well!

My feelings now:
After having the IUI completed I felt very strange.  I felt that, other than the injections that were done as my protocol for IVF, the procedure seemed very similar to what we have been doing for a LONG time by using ovulation prediction tests, except for very clinical!  Mike pointed out that it this COULD work better because it is possible that my crazy cervix isn't allowing his sperm to get to where they need to be.  He is right, it does allow us to move past that obstacle, but it still seems like such a small chance considering what the doctors have said.  Regardless, I feel like this will be easier on me emotionally because it is just like the other cycles that have failed.  Not to say that those were easy, but IUI does not involve an embryo that has already been created like IVF does, so it won't be the same type of loss.  It is crazy to think that this is the 65th cycle since we started trying to start our family.  That is INSANE!!! 65 cycles!!

So, now we wait and see.  We pray that things are going well and that somehow one of my eggs made it through all of the obstacles that we have been told about and has met up with one of Mike's "good looking sperm"!!  We pray that all of the risks and situations that were mentioned by the previous doctors are not issues!  I have been told that negative thinking is horrible for my body.  I recognize that and I am REALLY trying to stay positive.  I just feel like I can never let myself reach the level of optimism that I had in June.  It was way to hard to recover from that disappointment.  I felt like someone ripped my heart out  and stomped on it repeatedly before running it over with a truck.  In so many ways, I am still recovering from that disappointment.

Finally, I will leave you with some thoughts from today.  Today Mike and I attended my Aunt Barb's funeral.  She would have been 80 this year and she had battled cancer for the past 4 years.  Her service was BEAUTIFUL.  Her children, Bruce and Jeff spoke so highly of her.  They talked about how important the "4 F's" were to her: faith, family, friends, and fun.  I honestly don't know if I have been to a funeral that made me feel so much joy for a person's life!  What an honor and testament to the way that she lived.
The service really made me think of my life and the changes that have occurred over the last several years.  Faith:  Since moving to Monmouth I have yet to find a church home.  One where I can join a small group like I did in Macomb, one where I can be a part of ministries, one where I can both comfort and find comfort, one where both Mike and I could feel comfortable worshiping.  I have tried.  I have attended many places and though many were great, they just didn't feel like home.  Family:  This one is tricky... Mike and I are so blessed.  I feel thankful that we are close to our families and that we are able to see them often.  I love my niece and nephew and I am excited to welcome another nephew and Baby Kulow in the coming months.  But the problem is that this piece has a huge hole in it.  A hole that it is so hard for me to imagine filling in any other way than having children.  I realize that there are many people who live fulfilling lives without having children.  This is just an area of my life that will have to change if we determine that growing our family just isn't in the cards for us.  Friends: I have amazing people in my life who have been so supportive.  I am truly blessed in this area.  Since we have moved it is so hard to accept that many relationships that are so important to me have had to change.  I feel like there are so many things that get in the way of seeing people that we care about.  I think part of it is that Mike works every weekend and part of it is that I just need to try harder.  I also feel like there are a lot of things that I allow to get in the way of things that are important to me.  I think I need to work on saying no to things that really aren't important to me so that I have time for things that are.  Fun: I think this fits in with the things I just said about friends.  I have been trying to do things such as crochet, sew, and paint but those things aren't really "fun" for me as much as they are things that allow me to feel a sense of accomplishment. Accomplishment has been very important to me during this time that I feel so much failure.  But, accomplishment isn't enough.  I really need to work on doing things that bring more "fun" into my life!
So, those are the "4 F's" of my life right now.  It appears that I have some major work to do!  Maybe that is part of what I must accomplish before our family can grow.  Maybe I am just overthinking it! ;)
Have a wonderful weekend.  Tomorrow night I start the painful shots in the rump! :(