The list continued!!

On a post a few days ago I listed the top five reasons why I thought I was pregnant!  Anyone who has experienced infertility for any length of time understands the monthly list of "symptoms" that we all feel.  It is RIDICULOUS, but it is our life line.. it is our hope!  So, my list continues.  I think my previous list was something like this:

1. Tender and painful breasts.

2. Craving soup like crazy! 

3. Bloating!!!

4. Cramping

5. Heartburn! 

Well, I must say that these have all continued and that they are increasing in intensity! HAHA!! I have also added exhaustion to the list.  Exhaustion in multiple ways:

1.  Just super tired.  

2. Mental exhaustion... thinking is just SOO hard!! ;)

3. I am a weakling!! I have tired muscles!! Carrying things makes me exhausted!! Today Mike and I were carrying a heavy piece of furniture and I thought it would be the death of me! Seriously... I carried it and loaded it into my car with the help of another woman.  Then Mike I managed to get it out of my car and into my house without a problem about a month ago.  But today when we were trying to put it in the location it will live in our home I was DYING! I told Mike that I really didn't think I could continue carrying it.  It was THAT bad.  Then I was helping him with a piece that I carried into the house all on my own.  That almost did me in, too!! JEESH!!! 

4.  Tired of breathing hard from things that shouldn't make me so tired!! Like carrying the furniture! 

5.  Tired of people's crap!! HAHAH!! This is a funny one to me because it sounds worse than it is... I just find that I have a low tolerance recently.  I feel like my "That is total crap!!" radar is on high alert recently and I wish I had an off button for it! It is easier when I just smile and nod without feeling the need to say "Stop lying!!"  when people are talking.  Thankfully I feel like my filter is working fairly well.  I hope it doesn't get tired, too!! HAHAH!! 

So, those are the new reasons that I feel that I am expecting...  These could totally happen to any sleep deprived person... I realize that!! And I realize that I am not sleeping well because my rump hurts and it is VERY colorful from all of the bruising that has occurred over the last 7 days of injections.  So most likely these are true signs of sleep depravation, but like I said my friends with infertility will totally understand... it is SOOOO much easier to face each month of trying with hopefulness than it is to go through with sadness.  So I will blame the excess gas on pregnancy instead of the Mexican food I ate.  And I will blame my chubby belly on bloating instead of the DQ that Mike and I enjoyed!! HAHAHHA!! ! Okay, you caught me... I didn't eat Mexican tonight... it must be a symptom!!!! ;)

Thanks again for following.  Thanks for all of your prayers.  Thanks for understanding that my light hearted way of approaching all of this (at times) is what helps keep me just this side of insanity!! ;) 

Have a wonderful holiday weekend!! Though this weekend marks 5 years that we have been trying to grow our family and therefore has a significance to me that isn't so fabulous, I am thankful for a three day weekend to catch up on school work that I am already behind on and for time to spend with family and friends!! I have already hung out with my sis Jaclyn, Mike's parents, and his uncle Paul.  AND I will get to celebrate at a wedding reception of an amazing couple tomorrow night!  Sounds like a great weekend to me!!  

Mike is a Rock Star!

Cousin Sara was fabulous enough to do my shot again last night so that Mike could see it done.  Tonight he did the shot solo here at home.  Both of them were fabulous and did not hurt me at all.  The medicine itself and the bruises are painful, but I am so thankful that both of them were able to give me the shots without more than a pinch of pain!!!
I think both Mike and I were nervous leading up to the shot. He remained nervous because he didn't want to hurt me, but my nerves were gone at that point.  I was just proud of Mike for going through with it.  What a champ!  Neither of us are a fan of needles, but we have both had to move past that during this process because of the large number of injections involved.  It is one thing to have to watch it, but it is another thing to actually complete the injection and I am so proud to have a husband who is willing to move beyond phobias for the mere chance at growing our family.  We have been through a lot in the nearly 11 years that we have been together, but I am thankful that we continue to pull together and face these challenges as a team.  It makes getting up and facing each day a lot easier to know that he is right here with me!

A couple things before I end this...
1.  I am seriously concerned about doing this for 10 weeks... my rump is already SO bruised.  I don't know how we will have places to do this after a few more days! ;)
2.  I was really trying to keep myself from being overly optimistic, but I will give you the reasons I have come up with that I am ABSOLUTELY pregnant:
     Reason 1:  My ladies are screaming in tenderness and pain.  They are also larger today.  That SCREAMS pregnant!! ;)
     Reason 2:  Last night I was craving soup to the point that we went out to Petey's so that I could take care of the craving.  While eating the soup I accidentally ate a cooked carrot and I ENJOYED it! I then finished the whole bowl of soup without picking out ANY of the random, weird vegetables (celery, carrots, and who knows what else!)!!! Hello!!! Craving and eating random foods... who craves soup on the hottest freaking day of the year??!?!! The answer is obvious... a pregnant woman!!! P.S.  I am craving soup again this evening!
     Reason 3: Bloating!  Yep... bloating and heartburn for no apparent reason.  Need I say more?!?!
     Reason 4: Cramping - It is too early for regular cramps and I keep getting random uterus cramps.  I am just certain that there is a little embryo trying to make itself cozy in my uterine wall.  Luckily I am being a good patient and putting up with the rump injections of progesterone to make that home safe and cozy!! ;)
     Reason 5: I have heartburn right now!  I know I already said that, but it is really annoying so I thought I would mention it again!!! ;)

So, this could be like the gazillion times that I thought I was pregnant over the past 64 cycles OR cycle #65 could be the lucky cycle!!! After all... the follicle was Lucky 13mm!!! And, for anyone who knows the Cahills, 13 is the luckiest number!!! :)

Thank you for continuing to support us!   Our blog has reached just shy of 2,500 views from 4 countries!  What an amazing reminder of the number of people who continue to cheer us on daily!!! We are so very blessed!  :)

Rump Shot #1

I survived the first shot in the rump!!!

Mike had to work tonight so I had to find a replacement for him.  Cousin Sara saved the day!!! And, she was a rock star!  The shot didn't hurt.  I started to have some muscle pain in the rump area after that and it has continued since the shot.  I went for a walk when I got home which really seemed to help!  I will definitely have to keep that in mind for the future! I am now on my other side on the couch and plan to head to bed soon.  Hopefully I don't roll over and hurt myself tonight!

Thanks for all of your thoughts and prayers.  Though this isn't fun or easy, like everything else that is involved in all of this, it will be worth it if we end up with a baby!! :)

Have a fabulous week

Friday's IUI

Yesterday's IUI procedure seemed to go well.  We arrived for Mike's portion of the day at 8:15 a.m., went to Bob Evans for breakfast, and went back to my appointment at 9:30.  The first thing they said was check your names and birth dates and then they said "Well, the sperm look good!".  I couldn't help but chuckle.  There are some things that I just never expected to become normal in my life, that is one of them! ;)

The procedure seemed to go well.  I had minimal cramping.  They said that they preferred that I didn't take any Advil or anything because I would be ovulating soon.  I told them that the cramping was nothing compared to the pain that I am used to. Then they pulled an extension out of the table and told me to relax. The nurse handed me a form and said that I needed to take it to a local hospital for a blood test to see if the IUI was successful.  We have no further appointments with the specialist at this time.  Then, the doctor, med student, and nurse all left the room and Mike and I realized that we had NO idea what we were doing!  HAHAH!! There was a timer ticking, but they hadn't mentioned anything about it.  The timer was SO loud.  We just kept looking at each other and laughing about the fact that we were just left with no instructions other then "no Advil" and "get a blood test"! The timer finally went off after what seemed like forever, but the ticking continued.  We began to wonder if we were really done or if that was just a midpoint or something.  So, I sent Mike to find out... I heard him say to the doctor and nurses that he had a question.  The doctor replied, "Does it have to be me that answers it?" in a serious voice.  Mike said, "Anyone who has the answer can answer it!"  Then, he asked them what we were supposed to do now that the timer went off.  The nurse said, "You can leave."  Have I mentioned before that this place isn't quite as personable as the previous facility!!! I know they were SUPER busy that day, but I felt like we were kind of an inconvenience.  Then, we were leaving and I stopped to ask the nurse what our next step was toward and October IVF cycle.  She seemed very surprised.  She said, "Oh, you are interested in trying again in October?"  I guess she was surprised that I wanted to try again because the injections were not at all effective and we were on the highest dosage.  I said that the doctor had mentioned that we could try again with a new protocol and that we were interested in that.  She said that we could do that if we wanted to, but if we wanted to talk to him first it would be pretty difficult because he will be out of the country for the month of September.  She then said that if I have a negative blood test in September I will start birth control again in preparation of the October cycle.  Mike and I left feeling that the experience was strange!
After an uncomfortable drive home I slept for 3 hours!  When I woke up the cramping was much worse.  I suspect that it was due to ovulation and the huge cyst that had formed.  Today I have had some light cramping, but nothing terrible.  It just comes and goes.  I have read in a lot of places on-line that cramping can be a good sign!  I have also read that it can be a bad sign... you know how Google is!! ;)  For now I just have to be hopeful that all will turn out well!

My feelings now:
After having the IUI completed I felt very strange.  I felt that, other than the injections that were done as my protocol for IVF, the procedure seemed very similar to what we have been doing for a LONG time by using ovulation prediction tests, except for very clinical!  Mike pointed out that it this COULD work better because it is possible that my crazy cervix isn't allowing his sperm to get to where they need to be.  He is right, it does allow us to move past that obstacle, but it still seems like such a small chance considering what the doctors have said.  Regardless, I feel like this will be easier on me emotionally because it is just like the other cycles that have failed.  Not to say that those were easy, but IUI does not involve an embryo that has already been created like IVF does, so it won't be the same type of loss.  It is crazy to think that this is the 65th cycle since we started trying to start our family.  That is INSANE!!! 65 cycles!!

So, now we wait and see.  We pray that things are going well and that somehow one of my eggs made it through all of the obstacles that we have been told about and has met up with one of Mike's "good looking sperm"!!  We pray that all of the risks and situations that were mentioned by the previous doctors are not issues!  I have been told that negative thinking is horrible for my body.  I recognize that and I am REALLY trying to stay positive.  I just feel like I can never let myself reach the level of optimism that I had in June.  It was way to hard to recover from that disappointment.  I felt like someone ripped my heart out  and stomped on it repeatedly before running it over with a truck.  In so many ways, I am still recovering from that disappointment.

Finally, I will leave you with some thoughts from today.  Today Mike and I attended my Aunt Barb's funeral.  She would have been 80 this year and she had battled cancer for the past 4 years.  Her service was BEAUTIFUL.  Her children, Bruce and Jeff spoke so highly of her.  They talked about how important the "4 F's" were to her: faith, family, friends, and fun.  I honestly don't know if I have been to a funeral that made me feel so much joy for a person's life!  What an honor and testament to the way that she lived.
The service really made me think of my life and the changes that have occurred over the last several years.  Faith:  Since moving to Monmouth I have yet to find a church home.  One where I can join a small group like I did in Macomb, one where I can be a part of ministries, one where I can both comfort and find comfort, one where both Mike and I could feel comfortable worshiping.  I have tried.  I have attended many places and though many were great, they just didn't feel like home.  Family:  This one is tricky... Mike and I are so blessed.  I feel thankful that we are close to our families and that we are able to see them often.  I love my niece and nephew and I am excited to welcome another nephew and Baby Kulow in the coming months.  But the problem is that this piece has a huge hole in it.  A hole that it is so hard for me to imagine filling in any other way than having children.  I realize that there are many people who live fulfilling lives without having children.  This is just an area of my life that will have to change if we determine that growing our family just isn't in the cards for us.  Friends: I have amazing people in my life who have been so supportive.  I am truly blessed in this area.  Since we have moved it is so hard to accept that many relationships that are so important to me have had to change.  I feel like there are so many things that get in the way of seeing people that we care about.  I think part of it is that Mike works every weekend and part of it is that I just need to try harder.  I also feel like there are a lot of things that I allow to get in the way of things that are important to me.  I think I need to work on saying no to things that really aren't important to me so that I have time for things that are.  Fun: I think this fits in with the things I just said about friends.  I have been trying to do things such as crochet, sew, and paint but those things aren't really "fun" for me as much as they are things that allow me to feel a sense of accomplishment. Accomplishment has been very important to me during this time that I feel so much failure.  But, accomplishment isn't enough.  I really need to work on doing things that bring more "fun" into my life!
So, those are the "4 F's" of my life right now.  It appears that I have some major work to do!  Maybe that is part of what I must accomplish before our family can grow.  Maybe I am just overthinking it! ;)
Have a wonderful weekend.  Tomorrow night I start the painful shots in the rump! :(

Thank you!

Thank you!  It is so heartwarming to know that so many people are lifting Mike and I up in prayer.  Your support and encouragement helps me to face each day with a smile.  I am not going to lie, some days it is really hard, but I think of all of you that are praying for us and constantly cheering for us and it keeps me going!  I am also thankful to be busy in a "normal" way instead of busy hounding the insurance company!! Seeing the faces of my kiddos at school brightens my day!  Now that I am back at school it is very apparent that I had a one track mind this summer.  At the end of the school day I almost feel guilty that I am not thinking about all things infertility like I did all summer long.  I know I was making Mike crazy because I was hyper-focused on the situation.  I didn't realize how much it was hurting me though.  How much infertility began to DEFINE me.  I recognize that it isn't healthy to be that hyper-focused on anything... which is why I tried crocheting, sewing, painting, watching every season of Parenthood from the pilot to the season that is about to start, etc...  Unfortunately most projects became focused on practicing so that by the time we had a baby I would be a pro!  And watching so many episodes of a t.v. show in a row made me feel like a HUGE LOSER!!! Not exactly the relaxation I needed.  Reading, which I used to LOVE, is a hobby of my past.  I have been working on "The Storyteller" for all of 2014 and though it is a great book I am so distracted that I keep having to reread.  I find myself drifting off and getting lost in my thoughts and realizing that I have read the words and turned the pages, but I haven't comprehended a single word.

So, as we face our IUI attempt tomorrow I am going to be hopeful.  I am going to visualize success.  And I am going to do my best to not cry through the shots that they told me are going to be very painful! Then, I am going to try to diversify focus in my life.  I am not infertility.  I can't let who I am get lost in this situation.  If I am being honest, I feel like I have done an amazing job of this externally.  I work hard to put on a brave face, be supportive of others, and get things done.  Internally I am struggling more.  I don't have a "Why me?" attitude, but I definitely feel trapped by this.  Instead of why me I think I frequently ask myself, "If I am not going to be a momma, what am I going to be?"  And I think the major problem is that I don't really know... I didn't really have back up plans.  Having babies is such a natural thing.  People spend lots of money trying to prevent it every day... that is how natural it is, people have to prevent it! Those are the things that make me sad and, for lack of better terms, feel like less.  Moving forward I need to find things that help me to feel like I am living life again instead of going through the motions.  So, that is my new plan.  We will see how that goes! ;)

Thank you again for all of your suport.  I am sure that there will not be as many updates after tomorrow because we will not have the crazy appointment schedule that we have had over the last couple weeks.  I might be updating about the shots and seeking out support and ideas for the pain... although Mike seems to think that my large rump will help me not to feel the shots as much! ;)  (He really is a great guy!  Honestly!!!) Then, I think we just wait.  Wait and hope that somehow an egg makes it to my uterus.  My poor Fallopian tubes are so worn out and frayed, but hopefully all the stimulants I have been injecting gave them a little pep!! :) AND, we have been told several times that my lining looks PERFECT, so if somehow an egg makes it and an embryo is formed I am happy to know that it will have a nice, cozy home for the next 9 months!!! I just have to remember that miracles happen EVERY DAY!!! And, that all things will happen in God's perfect timing.  You are all amazing and I appreciate you more than I can ever say!
I better get to bed! Tomorrow is a big day!! :)

Cancelled

Unfortunately we found out that we do not have enough follicles to move forward with the IVF cycle.  We only have one follicle that is maturing and I have a large cyst that is continuing to grow.  The visit went very quickly.  There were two med students in the room while they completed the exam.  The doctor measured the follicle, looked around with the probe, and stated that there were not enough follicles to go through retrieval.  I asked what that meant and he stated that he felt we should cancel the cycle.  He said that we need to do the trigger shot tonight to force ovulation.  He suggested that we go ahead and attempt artificial insemination (IUI) on Friday because then we aren't just giving up and wasting the large amount of money we spent on injections, we are at least attempting something. I understand why he said that, but I am thinking more of the emotional and physical aspects of this situation.  I recognize that we spent a lot of money to be able to do these injections.  But, I have also been told by several people that IUI is not an option for me due to the high risk of ectopic pregnancy. I mentioned to the specialist because it is a major concern of mine.  He said, that it is still a high risk, but he can just remove it if needed.  He then stated that he just removed an ectopic pregnancy last night.  This was not what I wanted to hear.  The physical and emotional impact of that situation are a huge concern to me!  In the end we decided to go ahead and attempt the IUI even with the risks and knowing that there was basically no chance of success.  I feel like I would always wonder if it could have worked if I don't do it.
So, tonight I will have my trigger shot at 10 p.m.  I will then take the day off on Friday so that we can be in Peoria by 8:15 a.m.  My IUI procedure will be at 9:30 a.m.  I wish I had a small glimmer of hope shining through that this procedure will be successful, but I have heard so many times that it isn't an option that I just can't get excited.  Of course I would be ecstatic if it actually worked, but at this point I think I am just praying that I get through these things safely.
I asked the specialist what we do next.  He said we will meet again in October and he will revise my protocol because it did not work this time.  He then said, 'Unless the IUI happens to work."  So, we will see.  I can't believe we are once again playing the waiting game.  It makes me so frustrated!
I feel like it is another slap in the face, showing that the change in insurance really screwed up my life.  18 total follicles in June.  1 that was measurable today.  It is so difficult to keep the bitterness at bay.
Thank you to everyone who has supported me throughout this process.  I am bruised, I am sore, but I will persevere.  And, I will continue to put a smile on my face and show those kiddos love.  That is what I do! ;)

8/19/14

Well, I have a SHOCKING revelation to fill you in on... regardless of how late you stay up to avoid the injections that must take place at 7 in the morning, 7 a.m. still arrives at the exact same time!!! Needless to say I am a little tired today from avoiding sleep! ;)  Thankfully when I woke up the bitterness had left the building! No, I have not forgotten the things that angered me, but holding on to that is only hurting me!

We have completed 3 maximum dosages of the medication and we also started the new medication.  We will continue with both of those things tomorrow and then hopefully they will have better results for us.  And if they don't, I hope that I am able to accept the results and move forward with a positive attitude.

I am thankful for the number of people who have reached out to me and blessed me with so much kindness.  Several of you are facing trials so much larger than ours and it humbles me to know that we are in your thoughts and prayers!

I hope that the "13" is a lucky follicle and that it is getting nice and fat!! :)  I would be ecstatic if other follicles decided to be lucky, too!! ;)
For now I am just going to focus on the excitement of tomorrow being the first day of the 2014-2015 school year!! I just know that it is going to be an AWESOME school year!! :)

Post injections sonogram #1

Today we went to Peoria for our first internal sonogram since starting the injections.  I have to admit that I was EXTREMELY excited AND nervous.  When we went in for our baseline sonogram for the cycle we were supposed to have in June we had 8 follicles on one side and 10 on the other.  That was before injections, so I was convinced that we would have a crazy amount of follicles and even had a fair amount of fear that I could become overstimulated because I am usually so sensitive to medications.  Our appointment was at 2:00 in the afternoon, so I went to the morning part of institute, not even really thinking that there was a possibility that we could have a bad report... after all, it is Mike's Birthday!  Only good news on Mike's birthday!!

When we got to the appointment we didn't have to wait at all.  I didn't even get to sit down before we were called back.  Always a nice thing!! Another reason I felt like today was going to be AWESOME!!! Then we went back into the room where they did my blood work and told me that the doctor would be right in for my sonogram... and he was!! NO WAITING!!! And, the doctor was really nice, even though it was the one we weren't so sure of before.  So, he started the sonogram and the first thing that he told us was that the uterine lining was "beautiful" and that it was "perfect for IVF".  WOW!! That is abnormal for me.  My lining is always a train wreck!! What an awesome day!! So exciting.  Then he found a follicle that measured 13mm.  I was excited about that because I knew that over 10 on the first sonogram was what they were looking for.  They are looking for 18mm or larger for retrieval.  Then, he said that there were no other measurable follicles on that ovary.  His demeanor  definitely changed at that point.  You could tell he was kind of disappointed that there were not more follicles maturing.  But, he started looking for the other ovary to see if it was better.  The problem was that he had already looked at my good ovary.  He finally found my other ovary completely stuck to the back side of the top of my uterus.  That is when he said this is "not good" and this is "very bad".  He said it appeared that I had a 22mm cyst on that ovary and no other measurable follicles.  He also said that even if follicles did mature on that ovary it would be extremely difficult to get to them because it would cause a "Uterus Shish Kabob".  (You're welcome for the visual!)

So, after letting us know that this was not good news he said that it could still be okay, that starting the medication is always a guessing game during the first cycle and that he would just have to give me more meds to help stimulate the follicles.  He said to meet him in the office and he would set us up.  When we got out there he had looked at my file.  He said, "This is not good. You are already on a high dosage. I will put you on the maximum dosage and we will hope that it works.  I think it is your endometriosis eating at your ovaries.  Also, it appears that you have a low egg reserve, which is common with endometriosis."  At that point many things that we had learned in the past began flying through my brain.  The doctor also started saying, "Remember, we only need one good embryo to make this successful.  I have had this happen before.  There was an Indian woman with one embryo who ended up with identical twins (then he asks the nurse to confirm this for me)."  I realized at that point that they were trying to give me hope in a situation that is grim.  Though I appreciated the gesture I also just wanted to cry.  Instead I put on a smile, thanked them for their help and told them that I would see them on Wednesday.  At that point we paid our copay and then we were stopped because we hadn't paid for the "storage fee" that needs to be paid ahead of time for freezing of extra embryos.  The look on the poor nurses face was terrible when she said, "Of course we will refund it if you have nothing to freeze."  I am sure she hated to even ask for hundreds of dollars from us after hearing how horrible the appointment went.  I actually felt sorry for her when I told her that we had forgotten the checkbook and that we would bring it on Wednesday and take care of it then.

Tonight I went to Backpack night and put on a happy face.  It was nice to see the families and all of my kiddos.  Then I came home and did my maximum dosage shot.  I gave it to myself in the thigh because my stomach is so bruised from all the other injections... BIG MISTAKE!!! It hurt SO bad!! I actually yelled and cried because it hurt so much.  Not at the injection site, but closer to my hip.  It was terrible.  I don't know if I can do that again.  I guess my poor stomach will just be more and more bruised.  Then, I made Mike a birthday dinner.  I am truly thankful that Mike is so wonderful about the situation.  It is definitely not easy to go through, especially when it seems that every time things start to look up they come crashing down, but having such a wonderful support system helps to at least keeping me upright.
For now we will continue the injections and hope for the best. Not only will we continue the maximum dosage, but we start a new medication tomorrow.  So, hopefully the combination will be just what we need!

Thank you for your continued thoughts and prayers.  I am so thankful that I have such a wonderful support system.  Tonight I am feeling a little bitter that the chance for the June cycle (when my follicles were plentiful) was taken from us and that it might mean that our chances for having a child were taken from us.  I am bitter that some people don't think of the way that they are impacting others before making decisions.  I am bitter that some people do not practice ethical behavior, but preach it.  (There is so much more that is bubbling inside of me, but I would feel guilty if I added it.) Hmmm... maybe a "little bitter" was an understatement.  I know that bitterness is an awful thing and that it will eat me up.  I am trying to find the silver lining, but it is tough right now.  Hopefully things will look brighter in the morning.  And, if they don't, I will still go in with a smile and do what I always do because that is who I am.

Hopefully the next post has a happier spin to it. I just don't have it in me tonight to sugar coat things or pretend like some people don't suck... maybe Wednesday!  End of bitter rant!! ;)

New week - new excitement!

Tomorrow we will go in for our first sonogram since beginning injections.  Hopefully the doctor will tell us that there are a lot of follicles and that they are getting fat!! I continually feel the medicine doing something, so hopefully it is doing exactly what it is supposed to be doing!!! :)

Tomorrow we are also scheduled to start a new medication.  Hopefully it goes as well as the other injections have been going.  I feel like I am running out of places for the injections that are not directly next to a previous injection.  One thing that I am trying to avoid is putting them where I have bruises from past injections.  That is getting tough.  I don't know why, but I have been bruising easily the last couple days! :/

Prayers and happy thoughts for a wonderful afternoon appointment tomorrow!!

Also, tomorrow is the first day of Teacher's Institute!  A new school year starts tomorrow!

Meds update

Things have been going pretty well with the meds so far.  I have a few injection sites that are bruised. Not really sure how I manage to cause myself bruises every once in a while, but I do.

This morning I had a bad morning.  I work up at 6:45 to get ready for the injection.  Usually I am up by 6, I eat yogurt, shower, get ready for the shots and my day, and then I do the injection at 7:00.  I didn't want to get up at 6 today because it is Saturday!!! ;)  Well, I think I will have to get up early regardless because today after the two injections I felt really dizzy, barely made it up the stairs and then started vomiting. :(  I then slept for over 3 hours.  Tomorrow I am going to try  getting up at 6:45 again, if I have the same result I will know that I HAVE to get up every day at 6:00 regardless of if I want to or not! My other theory is that it has something to do with the left side of my body.  I am still struggling a lot with the shots on the left side.  It seems to be super sensitive.  I am going to ask about that when I go to see the dr. on Monday.  It is just super weird!

Tonight went off without a hitch.  But, then again I only did the injections on the right side.

One thing that I have noticed is that I get exhausted super easily!  Tonight I told Mike that if the way I feel now is any indication of how I will feel when I am pregnant then I will be the tiredest pregnant lady to ever exist! HAHAH!! I am just not used to this feeling.  Usually in the evening I get a second wind and that is when I accomplish a TON!!!  I am seriously concerned that this is going to be a lifestyle change that I am going to truly struggle with!  :/  I never understood the "fade" that Mike has in the evening and how it can hit so quickly and intensely.  I just accepted that he had it.  Now, I think mine is WORSE!! HAHAH!! Oh well, I guess I will just have to deal with this as it comes!! I have no energy to worry about it! ;)  Hehehe!!

Injections!!!

Yesterday we started my injections.  I have to do a morning dosage of 225 IUs and a nighttime dosage of 225 IUs.  Unfortunately my meds come in 300 IU vials that are administered using a "pen".  (Kind of reminds me of an epi pen that is refillable) Therefore, I have to do multiple injections to complete a dosage sometimes.  So, though I have only completed 4 dosages, I have given myself 6 injections.  I had a terrible time sleeping the night before last because of the anticipation of the first injection.  In the morning I was up and waiting for it to be 7:00... Mike on the other hand was determined to sleep as long as he could! ;)  When it was finally 7:00 Mike was still trying to wake himself up and I (the genius) had tried to figure out how to close the sharps container and somehow got it STUCK closed.  UGH!!  Panic set in... it was 7:00, Mike was not cooperating completely, the sharps container was stuck, I was FREAKING OUT, things were NOT going as planned.  I was up WAITING for so long... how could things mess up now??!  But, then I thought, "butter knife"!!! I used the butter knife to pop open the sharps container, I hollered to Mike that it was TIME, and I sat down to figure things out.  Luckily these meds aren't as time sensitive as some.  The fact that we have to switch out cartridges in the "pen" during a dosage shows that.  (Not that I would ever purposely give myself the injections late! I would FREAK OUT, again!!)  So, we made it.  And only a little off schedule.  The interesting thing was that I could feel the medicine traveling!!! Seriously!!  It was crazy!  How did the meds know to find my ovaries and not my ear?!?!?  Well, I know they did because I could feel it!  AND, I talked to a friend who had the same feelings, so though I might be crazy, I am not alone!  The night time injection went well which totaled 3 shots down!  What a great feeling to have a day of injections complete!

Today's injections were pretty uneventful.  Mike has been fantastic moral support!  But, he is also a huge help!  He helps get the "pen" ready, he makes sure that the refrigerated meds are at room temperature so that they aren't uncomfortable going in, he takes the pen from me after injections and removes the needle for me, and most importantly he helps me to assure that I have the needle lined up straight for the injection.  My second injection yesterday was a little rough because I put it in at an angle.  We also realized that my left side is much more sensitive, it tends to bleed after the injections, whereas the right side just has a teeny tiny mark.  So, we are going to try to stay on the right side as much as possible.

Hopefully the injections continue to go well.  I am excited to see what the sonogram shows on Monday!  Hopefully I have lots of follicles get nice and fat!!!

Tomorrow night I will attempt my first shots without Mike coaching me through it.  It will also be my first shots away from home.  Fingers crossed that all goes well!!

One year!

Today marks one year since the first surgery.  The surgery that explained so much... For years I had such severe pain that I just vomited repeatedly.  I remember a specific moment during my junior year of college... a friend of mine was diagnosed with endometriosis and I thought, "Wow!! That sounds exactly like what I go through every month." But, at that moment I also thought about the fact that it was probably just a coincidence, that everyone said that all women get cramps and that I wasn't any different, and to be honest, I was scared about what that would mean for me.  Instead of looking up more information I just pretended like it never happened.  Well, a year ago my suspicions were confirmed! And boy did I regret not looking into it a LOT earlier! Tonight I sit here thinking about everything that has happened over the past year and I am thankful for the many people who have continued to encourage me during some pretty crummy times!  It has really helped me to be able to put a smile on my face and move forward each day!

I went to Peoria to have my baseline blood work completed today.  I just have to say that I LOVE the nurse there!! She is just the sweetest.  I miss my nurse from Sher, but the new nurse grew on me very quickly... which is a good thing because we will be seeing a lot of each other!!! ;)

Tomorrow morning I will wake up and prep my "pen".  It seems to be very similar to an epi-pen, except it has a dial that sets the amount of medication that will be injected.  I have decided to do the injections at 7 a.m. and 7 p.m. I am currently in the "over thinking everything" stage!!! Also in the "completely freaking out" stage!!! ;)  I am so thankful for Mike.  Even though he does not need to be part of these shots he told me that he feels that he should be awake for this.  I am so glad I am not in this alone.  I am sure I will need the moral support.

Thank you to everyone who is cheering us on, praying for us, or even just reading along!! Though I am a bundle of nerves tonight I know I will be ecstatic once I complete my first shot!! )

At dinner tonight, I asked Mike if he knew what the best part of tomorrow's shot was and he knew EXACTLY what I was going to say, "Once it is completed it is one less shot that I will EVER have to do"  And, that is true.  No matter how many attempts we have to make, tomorrow brings us one shot  closer to our future child/children!! What a blessing to know that!! :)

Goodnight!!

It is getting real!!!

WOW!!! This is all getting very real!! After a nightmare summer things are suddenly moving very quickly. I can't help but be nervous about everything that is ahead of us.  I was so devastated this summer when an insurance change ruined our summer plans, I honestly think I am afraid of getting too excited.  With school starting, I cannot go into a funk like I spent most of the summer.  Depression is very real and it affects so much, so I feel like my brain is trying to protect my heart by only letting my excitement reach surface level.  The nurse from the new facility told me repeatedly that the bad is completely behind us now, (I might have asked a million questions in preparation of anything that could pop up) but it is just so hard to fully trust that everything will go well when we came so close before.  (Sorry, not trying to be a downer... just being honest and a realist!)  

Tomorrow I go for baseline blood work.  I am going to try to go to the Galesburg clinic because I know that in Monmouth they charge for "hospital blood work" which is ridiculously expensive. Hopefully that works out so that I don't have to go to Peoria for a couple seconds of blood work. It seems like I have done that a lot over the last couple years and I am kind of over it... unless it means that I get Olive Garden or Cold Stone Creamery!! ;)  

As we get closer to Wednesday I am getting more and more nervous about my injection protocol.  I know that I just have to trust that they know exactly what they are doing, but it is so hard to put your complete trust into people you have just met, knowing that we are placing our trust in them to help us grow our family.  I guess I just need to pray more about it and hopefully it will help me to be more at peace.  I think it would have been easier to trust a new facility if they hadn't spent so much time bashing my old facility.  I had a lot of trust in my old facility.  I spoke to them nearly every day when we first started working with them. And though there were some decisions, such as that scary medication they had me on, that I question, overall I really felt at home at that facility.  I have been thinking that it might be important for me to mention this aspect to them if we are asked for our opinion of our experience.  I think our first experience at our consultation would have been better if the "bashing" aspect was not part of it.  I think it would have helped build my trust in them... which is why I think I enjoyed Dr. Sawetawan so much, he selected his words very carefully and did not bash at all.  He used the information I gave him about how the procedure went the first time I had it done and made the experience so much better, but he didn't bash them for the first experience.  It was a much better experience than my first impression with the facility.  I am very thankful that Dr. S will be working with me through this process, at first I was nervous about the change to a 3rd Reproductive Endocrinologist, but now I think it was meant to be all along!  (WOW!! The funny thing about blogging is that it sometimes takes you places you didn't realize you were going to go.  My whole purpose for tonight's blog was to say that baseline blood work would happen tomorrow... and suddenly I have just talked myself through my feelings about the process of ending up with Dr. S as my specialist!  I am starting to think that blogging might be therapeutic!)

Another strange thing that is happening this week is that I am sleeping!!! Anyone who knows me well knows that sleep and I have a rough relationship.  I have been very surprised by a sudden need for sleep.  It started with a need for 7 hours the first couple nights.  Now, I think it might be even more than that!! YIKES!! The problem is that for YEARS I have maintained a lifestyle in which I slept very little and I used the extra time to constantly accomplish other things.  If this continues I am excited about the positive physical and mental implications, but I am a little nervous about the scheduling aspect and what it will mean for my productivity!  :/ I guess I will just take this as it comes.  As I type this I am sure some of you who do not know me well are thinking, "Why is this a big deal?" But, believe me, if I become a sleeper it will be a HUGE deal!!! ;)  I have managed to function extremely well without sleep for years and it is a little scary to have a week in which sleep is required.  Over the last week I have traveled to Rockford once and DeKalb once... I was nodding off repeatedly on the trip home from Rockford and it was very hard to stay awake today on the way home from DeKalb... any other week that wouldn't have been an issue even if I had been up all day and all night long, but this was in the middle of the afternoon! :/ YIKES!!  Hopefully this week I will be able to work on a back to school sleep/wake up schedule!  We will see how it goes.  Mike feels that this is a great thing... Afterall, he told me that he was going to enforce a 7 hour of sleep mandatory requirement for me when I am carrying our child!! ;)  Who knows, he might get his way on this one!! :) 

Thank you for your continued thoughts and prayers.  This week, if you are so inclined, I would appreciate prayers for a feeling of peace about this new protocol and also for strength to overcome my fear of needles so that I can give myself the injections I need to.  It was very difficult for me to overcome my fears when I started getting blood work done frequently, but I did it.  And, I am having a much easier time when it comes to going to new doctors, so I know that I can do this with the help God!  In less than two weeks Mike will also have to overcome his serious dislike of needles so that he can give the shots I cannot give myself.  We are thankful to have Sara, Freda, and now Stacia that have offered to help us!  I am so proud of Mike for his willingness to try though!! :) I am definitely going to have to schedule my backups for when he is working... I don't know what I would do without such fabulous family and friends!  

Finally... recently a few people have mentioned that they were proud of the fact that I had the courage to be open about my journey.  I just want to tell you that without all of you and your support I wouldn't have been able to continue sharing.  Your encouragement has helped me to be more honest and to share more than I ever thought I would.  Someday, possibly not far from now, I will open up and be honest about the emotional roller coaster of all of this and how much your support has helped me through the ups and downs!! :)  A couple people have also mentioned that they haven't been able to comment/ask questions because of error messages from the blog.  I have the same issue.  I guess the best answer is to leave any questions or comments on the link that I post to Facebook when alerting about a new post.  I am too new to blogging to figure out why the comment section doesn't always work!! I am not taking this issue completely off of Facebook, I am just attempting to help people feel as comfortable as possible on my page!! :) So, I will be happy to answer questions on there and I will respond the best I can.  

Have a great night!! 

MEDS!!!!

Today was a WASTE of a day!!! Between the excitement of knowing that I would take my last Birth Control Pill today and the anticipation of my meds arriving I accomplished nearly nothing!!!!

So, at 6 p.m. tonight I took my final BCP.  It was an amazing moment!!! I have hated taking it and I am thankful to be finished.

Tonight an amazing woman and her youth group did a prayer circle around me.  It was such an amazing moment.  I am truly blessed to be surrounded by people who have supported me unconditionally.  Of course I cried! Tonight was the first time I have ever met the youth group and to think that they would offer up such a powerful prayer for Mike and I AND our future family meant SO much!!!

When I signed on tonight it said that my blog has had 588 views so far this week. 588!!! That is amazing!!! I am so thankful that I created this blog because it shows how loved Baby McVey is before s/he is even possible!!!! Truly amazing!!! I can never thank you all enough for your support and prayers!!!

I have had many reminders recently that God has a perfect plan for this child.  Though it is difficult to remember that sometimes, Mike and I know it is true.  There are many cases of people I know who have been helped by our story and it makes me so happy to know that through these trials we are able to reach out to others!!!

One thing that haunts me on a regular basis is that people worry that I am unable to be happy for people who are able to conceive without struggles or who have been blessed with lots of kiddos.  But, I have been blessed with a heart that fills with joy when I hear of the success of people who are growing their family.  One such person who did not have struggles conceiving is my sister Jenn. ;)  I am going to be an Aunt again in February!!!! I am so excited for her and our growing family.  I really hope she lets us know if it is a boy or a girl because I want to create super cute sewing and crocheting goodies for him/her!!!! So, now I will be Aunt Juju to Anna's Baby Boy Mercer in September, Aunt Julie to Meghan's Baby Boy Schroeder in October, and Aunt Julie (Or Aunt Bufface?!?!?! Right Jenn?!?!?) to Jenn's Mystery Baby Kulow in February!! Surely Jenn will have a girl so that I can make some of the cute dress patterns that I purchased!!! AND, a lot of the amazing prints for my new burp clothes are pretty feminine, as well!! ;)

Today I checked for a meds delivery several times, but was not successful.  Then I got a call this evening from Mike that they had arrived!!!! I came home from school so that I could sort them and assure that they had arrived correctly.  After all, I was told multiple times on the phone that I only had 24 hours to report any issues.  It had to be done right away!!! When I walked in the door I was SHOCKED by the size of the box!!!! (I tried to post a picture here, but it keeps telling me there is an error so I had to post to facebook!!)  It took me at least 10 minutes and encouragement from my friend Stef  before I opened the box.  It was VERY intimidating!!!

Luckily, it appears that everything is there. And, even though the needles look scary and HUGE, I know that it will be worth it when we finally hold our future baby/babies in our arms!!!

One thing that I must mention is that there were some strange side effects listed: Multiple births was listed... then it specified that it meant twins, not getting pregnant on multiple occasions!! AHAHHA!!; brown patches on my face that can be intensified by sun exposure; acne, acne, and more acne! Yep... that was a big one!!; sudden weight gain... OH GOODY!!!; PAIN... pain in all kinds of areas; nausea; drowsiness and sleeplessness (listed on the same med!).  Basically it sounds like I am going to have an awesome time!!!

As we get closer to the 5 year mark I am excited and hopeful that we will implant before we reach that date.  I don't know why that means so much to me, but if I am being honest, it really does!  Labor Day marks 5 years since we began our attempt at growing our family.  I realize that in the grand scheme of life a few days don't really make a big difference and if I was being realistic I would recognize that our journey still has at least 9 months to go, but I don't claim to be rational right now!! ;)  Just honest!! :)

Thank you for your continued support!  Check out the pictures of the meds on Facebook... They might not be as shocking to someone who will not have to have them injected into them, but WOW did they shock me!! ;)

Confession # one million seven hundred thirteen: The bag that I put all of the meds in that do not need refrigerated is the bag I purchased in preparation for the first cycle that was cancelled.  I thought I was being so sly and buying the perfect gender neutral diaper bag... little did I know of the adventures that were ahead of us and that when it actually came in the mail it would be thrown in a closet.  I am so thankful that I remembered that it was thrown in the closet because it is PERFECT for  keeping all of this organized!!! :)  See, things work out in God's perfect timing!! :)

Have a wonderful weekend and thank you again for your support!!

We are going to celebrate Grandpa Brozynski's 90th Birthday on Sunday.  (His actual birthday was last Sunday) What an amazing milestone!!! :)  I am so excited to celebrate with family!!

Strange things happen!

Throughout this process I have noticed that strange things happen, a LOT when you are working with insurance companies, multiple doctors offices, specialty pharmacies, etc... I had an interesting moment during a phone call that brings me back to my meeting in Rockford...

Mike and I made it this far with our last specialist, so we have been through the "protocol talk".  As we sat through it this time I had a few questions because I noticed things were very different the first time than they are now.  One question Mike had was whether they would provide a sharps container and the other thing that I pointed out was that the prescription order did not include needles and syringes, which the previous facility told us were necessary to order through the prescription.  Since the woman was filling in for the typical IVF coordinator we thought reminding her was best so everything would go smoothly.  As I said yesterday, our meds have now been ordered.  I got a call from the specialty pharmacy confirming my order and checking on some things that didn't quite make sense.  Her first question was, "Do you already have a sharps container? We do not have a prescription for one." That was followed by, "And, for that matter, do you have your own needles and syringes?!?  There were not any ordered for you!" HAHAHAH!!! No... we don't tend to keep needles and syringes around the house... but thank you for asking.  So, now I am waiting for the pharmacy to contact the doctor's office so they can get a prescription for the needles and syringes.  

The OTHER completely strange thing happened when the specialty pharmacy asked for my credit card number to process my copay payment.  I asked for the total before giving the credit card number, thinking that was a perfectly normal request.  Well, that was yesterday and I still have not heard back from them.  They told me that they did not have a total for me and that if I would just give them my credit card number, they would be happy to "text" me the total when they processed it.  WHAT?!?!??!! Text me!?!?!??!  I told them that it was not acceptable to me to give my credit card number without even a projected total for my copay, considering we could be looking at thousands of dollars.  The total without insurance was estimated at $6,000 - $8,000, so I would really like to know what the total is before giving out that information. I am sure the number is much less, but that is a lot of money and I don't feel like finding out a total is too much to ask!! The woman on the phone said that waiting to release my form of payment could hold up the release of my medication.  I told her that I was willing to take the risk at this point.  Yes, of course I will call tomorrow before the 4:30 deadline for shipment and inquire as to what the hold up is in determining my total, but I really feel like there is something wrong with demanding a form of payment for an unknown monetary amount.  

This came just after we received a bill from our previous facility with white-out on it... the total bill should have been $34.  But, they used white-out and wrote in $385.  I complained about it to another health care facility, but had not been home yet to contact the billing office in Las Vegas that we were told would need to be contacted... surprisingly, I came home yesterday to a new bill with the correct $34 total!  WHAT the HECK?!?!?!  Why do super strange things keep happening?!?!?!?  I am convinced it is due to insanity in the health care field... there is no other explanation!

Well hopefully tomorrow will bring great news in regards to the new order that includes a sharps container, needles, and syringes.  AND, hopefully they will be able to give me a total so that I have piece of mind when giving them my form of payment!!! :)  Wish me luck!! 

Rockford - Round 1

Sorry for the delayed post... Frontier was helping me practice my patience yesterday by not providing internet service at all! :/

Yesterday was our first trip to Rockford.  The trip up there was uneventful and we found the place very easily.  We walked into the beautiful waiting room and we were greeted by a sign that said, "If you have to wait longer than 25 minutes please let us know."  There was also a camera in the corner of the room up near the ceiling... there were no other humans in the room.  I contemplated ways in which we would alert the camera if the 25 minute deadline passed, but before I could create a plan, a nice nurse came through the door and called my name!! ;)

So, then we were told that the IVF coordinator was on vacation and therefore the kind nurse was going to "do her best to sift through the information"!  We took a seat in a small consultation room and the nice nurse became known as the "flakey nurse"!  HAHAHA!!! I could bore you with the reasons that she became known as flakey, but you will just have to trust me on that!  I must say, she was still nice, so I think we could call her the nice, flakey nurse!!! ;)

During this consultation we found out that I finally get to stop taking the birth control pill this Friday!! I am so excited about that!! My body HATES them!!! HATES them!!! I have no idea how people can be on these for years and years.  They are evil!! ;)

So, discontinuing the BCP is awesome!!! Also, I will have blood work done on either Monday or Tuesday and I will start my injections on Wednesday of next week!!! I can't believe how quickly this is coming together now.  Hopefully things continue to go smoothly!!! :)

Injections will start out twice a day for the first five days.  Then, they will increase to three a day.  I will start going in for sonograms and blood work on the 18th and I will go in every other day until my follicles are ready.  Then, hopefully on the 22nd they will tell me that my follicles look big, fat, and fantastic!! If so, they said that on the 23rd we will do a "trigger shot" at 11 p.m., which will be 32 hours before the egg retrieval on the 25th.  If the follicles are not ready, I will continue shots until they are.

In the end, we hope to have the embryo transfer by the end of the month!

After getting the schedule of events we spoke to the financial lady.   We signed a bunch of papers, some of which were duplicates of what we signed with the nurse.  The lady complemented me for paying attention because most people don't catch the fact that the forms are duplicated... WHAT?!?!?! Seriously?!?!!? It is SO strange that people don't read these papers that seem so important! The rest of the meeting went well and we are now set to complete the procedures!!

The ride home was AWFUL!! I was exhausted and I was falling asleep while I drove.  But, we made it home in one piece, which was the goal all along!  We determined that we will definitely stay in Rockford next time so that we are right there and don't have the long drive.  Then we will possibly take people up on their offers for hospitality if we are unable to make it back to Monmouth after the procedure, due to to my extreme motion sickness.

Today I received a call from the specialty pharmacy letting me know that my meds have been ordered!! I am very excited that we are moving forward and I appreciate the prayers and support that have gotten us to this point!! :)  As we learn more I will post more!! :)

Background info - Take 1

Today is a big day for us! We are going to Rockford for "Orientation" where we will meet with the team that hopes to help us have a baby!!! I am excited, nervous, nauseous, and apparently unable to sleep!!!  Recently I have felt that Facebook wasn't really the avenue I wanted to use to share our journey. It is a good way to let people know that I have an update, but I don't want to fill the Newsfeeds of my "friends" with things they don't care about, and though this issue is what I think about every day for most of the day, I am sure many people would love to scroll through their Newsfeed and not hear about all things infertility!! SO, that is how Team McVey came to be. I am not really sure what this blog will become, but for now. I will give a glimpse into the background story of our journey and hopefully someday soon I will fill it with pictures of new members of our family!!

About 11 months ago I made it Facebook official that Team McVey was battling infertility.  At that point close friends and some family knew that we had been trying to start a family, but the majority of people heard, "No, we just aren't ready yet." when they asked us if we had children.  Also, very few people knew just how long we had been trying to conceive.  At first, it was easier to say that we weren't ready than to face the questions people might ask or to hear people say, "Just relax and it will happen!". And honestly, due to the fertility issues of others in my life I continued to tell myself that it just wasn't the right time and that God knew that other things needed to work out with those families before it was time to grow our family. But, time passed... I was patient... Other families had their babies and we were still not any closer to starting a family.  A friend urged me to see a doctor in Peoria, not because she knew we were trying to conceive, but because she knew that I didn't sleep...Couldn't sleep... No matter how hard I tried!!!  After a near panic attack I went to see this doctor. Thankfully, my sister Jaclyn went with me because I was a nervous wreck!! After just a few days, I got a call stating that I was a MESS!!! Low levels of this, deficient in that... They put me on a gazillion supplements and told me that not only would I feel better, they were sure it would be the answer to our 3 years of infertility! I was so excited!!! I couldn't believe that glorified vitamins were going to be the answer to all of the heartache!! They said we also just needed to start natural family  planning and we would be pregnant in no time.  Except there was a problem... Somehow the nurse heard 3 months of infertility, not 3 years... It wasn't until more than 6 months later, at an appointment for serious shooting pain down my leg that made me fall over and vomit, that the mistake was recognized... The nurse said something close to, "Well, though 10 months seems like a long time when you are trying to start a family, infertility treatment is not covered until you have been trying to conceive for at least one year." I looked at her in shock and said, we have been trying to conceive for over 3 and 1/2 years. At that point things started to move very quickly.  I was sent for an internal sonogram and they began running more blood work. They said that they would call with results as soon as they knew anything.  Meanwhile, I was supposed to be on a trip to Branson with friends so the next day I jumped in the car with a friend and took off for our vacation.  A few hours into the drive I got a call... "Julie, we are going to need you to come back into the office for a biopsy, the lining of your uterus is abnormally thick.  It could be endometrial cancer.  We need to rule that out." Wow!!! It was 3 days before my 32nd birthday... Not exactly what I expected to hear and the words  that came out of my mouth weren't what I expected to say, "Well, I am on my way to Branson right now, so it will have to wait until I come back!" Then, since I was still driving, I told my friend that I needed to pull over for a moment. I  tried to calm myself down, and I called Mike to tell him what was said.  I have no idea how he felt getting that call... I think he reassured me with a "I'm sure it's nothing!" type comment. I probably will never know how he felt that day or in the weeks and months that followed.  At that point he became my moral support and he became the guy who always insisted that everything would be alright and that everything happens for a reason.  I on the other hand decided that I was going to have a AMAZING time on my vacation and I wasn't going to think about this until I got back!!  My friend that was with me in the car, Catrina, was the only person on the trip that knew what was going on. It wasn't until a couple months ago, after two surgeries and multiple biopsies, that I even mentioned it to other book club members.  I didn't want pity, I wanted to make memories!!! And that is what I did!!! I continued to take my temperatures and chart them throughout the trip, take my meds like I was supposed to, etc... But I also had an amazing time and it even took us over 12 hours to get back because we had so much fun on the way home!!
Back to reality - This is when I really started to panic!!!  Once we got home I had a biopsy scheduled
They said it would be slightly uncomfortable... Um NO!!! It was horrendous!!! After 6 attempts at the biopsy they determined that they would be unable to complete it.  They sent me home with medication to dilate my cervix and told me to come back the next day.  I felt icky, the medicine was doing it's thing, or so I thought! Nope, my cervix wouldn't dilate!!! 2 more attempts were made and they still had no luck.  So, surgery was scheduled... Remember, they still thought I could have endometrial cancer, a biopsy had to be done!! So, on August 12, 2013, I went in for surgery they opened my cervix, completed a D & C, did a dye test to make sure my tubes were not clogged, did a laparoscopy and saw a couple spots of endometriosis. The doctor removed them and then she said she wondered why she couldn't move my uterus to see the other side of it... She then realized that everything in my abdomen was stuck together by severe endometriosis.  She couldn't even find my ovaries in that mess. So, she closed up and met me in post-op. At that point she told me that she had done all she could and that it would be her recommendation to move forward with another doctor.  A doctor that was said to be the best robotic surgeon the Midwest had to offer. Then I went home with pain and weight restrictions and a lot of fear. That was when I decided I needed to make our infertility issues public. After all, I couldn't lift more than a coffee cup for weeks and I couldn't wear pants for months... And only my students believed that I just had surgery so the doctors could look in my tummy and see why I got sick so often! (Although severe endometriosis explained a lot of my severe pain and vomiting that I suffered from!) So, it was at that point that I announced to the world that we had infertility problems. It was such a strange moment. It was like I was admitting failure. It made me feel horrible, abnormal, nothing like I thought it would... But then an amazing thing happened... So many wonderful people began supporting me, praying for me, wishing us well on this journey! The negative people trailed far behind the positive forces that our supporters built around us. I went in for my second surgery on October 30, 2013. I knew people were praying. I knew people were supporting us... I was convinced I was going to die!!!! I showed teachers in my building where I kept everything because I was convinced I was going to die... It was SO morbid!!! SOOOO morbid!!! But, it is really what it thought. Then, when I came out of surgery I was on oxygen and everyone was talking about me, not to me, and I KNEW I was going to die!! They wouldn't let Mike come see me.  They told me not to talk because I needed the oxygen... Yep! This was it... DYING!!! I just knew it! ( This is humorous now, but at the time, I was TERRIFIED... This was not how it was after my first surgery!!!! Why wouldn't they let Mike see me, why did I have oxygen, why wouldn't they let me have ice chips?!?!? I didn't even ask for water because I knew they would say no, but ice chips?!? Really!!!)
More of this journey will follow, but I have to be up in just over 3 hours so that we can go to Rockford!!! I am so jealous of Mike's ability to fall asleep so quickly!! Hopefully someday my body will learn his tricks! :)