New Year's Eve

I didn't get a chance to give an update after Monday's appointment because I went on a little shopping adventure with my mom afterward.  Mike's Christmas gift to me was a list of things he has heard me mention that I need over the course of the last year that he didn't feel comfortable picking out for me and money to pick the things out myself.  It was a great gift because I totally understand why he would not want to try to pick things out for me and it was obvious that he was paying attention... there were even things I had forgotten that I needed on the list!  Unfortunately I didn't find anything on the trip, EXCEPT for two amazingly comfy blankets and a few of the essentials that I have put off (seriously... why do razor blades cost SOOO much?!?!?).  The theory behind the blankets was that they would help to cure the insomnia that has been occuring in my house.  Yes, sadly I am not the only one have issues with insomnia.  Actually, Mike doesn't have insomnia... he is just sleeping when most people are awake and awake when most people are asleep.  I still feel badly for him that his sleep is a mess, so I stocked up on lots of nuts, dairy, lettuce, cherry juice, and other things that were on the list of food items that will help you sleep AND I got new cozy blankets!!! :)

So, the appointment:  I took in the extra meds progesterone oil and gel that were sitting around the house to donate.  I am definitely not using either of those meds again, so someone else might as well benefit from them.  They are expensive and they shouldn't just expire at our house!  Then I was told to head back to the ultrasound room and "get myself ready" while they finish up with another patient. The strange thing was that I never saw nor heard the other patient.  Super weird.  Anyway... The internal sonogram went exactly the way I had hoped. My uterus looked good and I had no cycts.  I am in the menopausal state that they want me in and I am just supposed to continue my current protocol until January 3rd.  At that point I will begin the Vivelle Dots (estrogen patches).  I will go back to see them on January 12th to see if my lining is responding properly to the meds.  If things look good we will go to Rockford on January 19th for a January 20th implantation.  If not, I will have to go back later that week and things will be pushed back if necessary.  Then, the doctor said I had to fill out paperwork and make some decisions.  I totally wasn't expecting that!!! Of course we would need to make decisions at the only appointment that Mike was unable to attend!!!! Murphy's law!! The decisions I had to make were regarding thawing our embryos and though I was stressed that Mike wasn't there during this big decision I also felt certain that I was making the decision that we would have made together.  So, we are thawing vial 1 which has a 7 cell - B and a 4 cell - C.  If both of those embryos survive the thaw we will implant both.  If one does not make it we will thaw vial 3 which contains a 9 cell - B.  We did not talk about what we would do if neither embryo from vial 1 makes the thaw, but I am assuming that we would then thaw vial 2 and follow the same plan with those embryos.  I decided that we would not thaw all of the embryos and culture them until Day 5 due to something that I was told by a nurse months ago when we were still with the other facility.  She said that some embryos that would not survive in the petri dish are able to thrive in the natural setting of it's mother's uterus.  So, knowing that, I just think it will be best if we give our babies a chance to be fighters... Those C embryos need the opportunity to thrive and beat the odds so that I can continue to advocate that they should not be disposed of!!! (If you are someone who has had to make the choice to discard C embryos please do not see this as a judgement of you.  After hearing the story of my friend's Grade C embryos taking and becoming such AMAZING human beings it is simply a stance I feel that I have to take.  I understand that everyone has to make their own decisions and that money is a huge factor in this process as well (freezing embryos, embryo storage, and thawing embryos are not covered by any insurance companies, so the decision to freeze embryos can be an expensive decision.)  So, that was my decision and when I called Mike to reassure myself that I did the right thing he didn't answer because he was busy at work... SO, that quickly became OUR decision! HAHA!! ;)  When I talked to him that evening he assured me that I did exactly what I should have.  Then the lady told me that Mike HAD to be at the next appointment so that she could witness him signing the paperwork or we could not move forward... At this point I can only laugh because I had told him that I knew he was busy with work and that I would be okay to go on my own and then shop with my mom... Of ALL DAYS!! HAHAH!! Oops!!! At least we have a second chance on the 12th to get all of this done!!!

Back to the blanket... i.e. My proposed cure to my insomnia!!!! The first night with the new blanket I feel asleep RIGHT AWAY!!! Victory!! Then, I woke up completely refreshed TWENTY MINUTES LATER!!! Yep, 20 minutes later... GRR!!!! I continued to sleep in short incriments like that throughout the night.  Then, I was super grogy for my injections and ended up giving it to myself in an area I had an allergic reaction last week.  :(  It hurt and it bled... but I can't use bandaids!!! UGH!!! I used gauze and paper tape to solve the problem and I pouted!!! Yep, I pouted because I was frustrated!  Then, I went back up and cuddled in my new blanket for 20 minutes before I realized that I was NOT going to fall back to sleep.  FAIL!!! ;)

Last night I did not get to bed very early, but the new blanket was fabulous and I was able to sleep for nearly 5 consecutive hours before my shot!!! WOOHOO!!! That used to be enough to make me feel extremely refreshed, but these meds are making me a little (okay, a lot!!!) more sleep dependent, so I am going to have to start getting to bed earlier in order to not live in a fog!!  This mornings injection was textbook!!! I honestly finished it and thought, "Wow!! That is exactly how I wish that every morning went!!"  It doesn't appear that it is going to bruise, I didn't have to battle with the gauze and paper tape, I didn't have any pouting afterwards!!!! WOOHOO!!! In celebration I cut up some french bread, buttered it up, threw some cinnamon and sugar on it, and popped it in the oven! DELICIOUS!!!!

As I sit here enjoying my delicious breakfast I can't help but reflect on 2014.  What. A. Year.  I had extremely high hopes for this year and maybe that is why it has been such a bummer.  So, for the year 2015 I am not going to set myself up for failure by telling myself that THIS is going to be our year... I am sure that sounds negative to many of you, but for my supporters who have experienced infertility I know that you understand (and I am sure that many of you who haven't experienced infertility can relate as well!).  You put so much pressure on yourself and you build up SOOOO much hope that you fall into such a deep, deep low when things are not successful! It only makes it worse that whenever you meet someone it is a natural ice breaker for people to ask if we have children.  It is so crazy that such a simple question can be so painful AND can make you feel less.  Especially when I just respond with a no and the person then tells me all of the reasons why I should definitely have kiddos now and why it is so rewarding and fabulous.  Knife. To. The. Heart.  Or, the holiday gatherings in which you are around mixed company, some people that know me and know my story and others who have no idea that they are going to make me want to crawl in a hole and not resurface EVER.  The people who know that I just need to RELAX and a family will come or who just won't give up their argument that we will never be READY for kids and that if we wait until we are ready it will never happen.  WOW!  I had forgotten how hard the holiday season is.  The times when you are truly happy to see the joy in the children of your friends and family, yet you feel the hole in your heart ripping wider and wider!  One small thing that helped me this week was that I looked back at some "older" posts from some infertility blogs that I follow.  The blogs are of people who have been successful and therefore they are SUPER positive.  I often beat myself up for my feelings due to their positive outlooks, but I follow them in order to remind myself that miracles DO happen.  As I was looking through the older posts I found some entries from the holiday before these people found out they were expecting... all I could think was SEE... you were once human, too!!!! Once upon a time you also felt like there was a giant hole in your heart.  You once dreaded events because by not talking about infertility you were ignoring the subject that has become the overwhelmingly most important aspect of your life, but by talking about it you were boring people and completely putting a damper on the festivities!  Once upon a time, you were me!!! It was such a freeing moment and a sad moment.  As I read about the feelings that these people had and the number of times they talked about breaking down and crying freqently I noticed that there are many things that I am honest about in this blog that don't carry over into honesty in my life!  I also felt sad because it was obvious that their whole lives centered around their journeys and boy oh boy do I know how hard that is.  It was also sad because I had convinced myself that if I tried harder I could be even more positive like they were... and then I realized that the positivity came AFTER the success!  What a slap to the face!! Now I know that this has not been the most uplifting blog recently and that there were definitely times in which I was more positive about the journey, but the realization that their positivity came later made me reflect a bit.  I don't think that Mike is a follower of my blog.  I am actually not certain whether he has read a single entry, therefore I don't know if he realizes how many really down days I have had over the last several months. Why?  Well because I don't want my sadness to be the center of our relationship.  People that I work with, but who do not know about my blog have asked others how I am doing because they couldn't tell whether the cycle was successful because I "just keep smiling"... Why?  Well, because in real life it is too hard to actually face my feelings.  And, though people have been EXTREMELY supportive, I realize that nobody wants to be around a person who is constantly acting as if the world has ended.  But, as many of you who read my blog regularly realize, that is how I have felt a LOT recently!  And, I have felt really guilty about it.  I have even thought about changing the tone of my blog into one that reads like sunshine and rainbows, BUT I then asked myself who that would help?!?! Would it help the people who are reading this as they begin this journey themselves?  No, it will make them question why they feel so bad and it will make them feel like less of a person... I know because I have felt that way when reading blogs.  Would it help people who are reading this to send support and prayers my way? No, because they wouldn't know how to best lift me up with support and prayers.  Would it help me?  This one is a maybe... if I lie to myself enough and tell myself that I am fine I might actually start to believe that I am fine.  That is how I make it through each day... BUT, how healthy is that really?  So, with that in mind I have determined that I will continue to just be honest in this blog.  And, I will likely just keep smiling in real life!  Why? Well, it has got me to this point! ;)  I also feel that it is important to continue to share in this way because it shows the ups and the downs AND it shows how simple things can cause an "up" in the journey.  Yesterday was a rough day, but today is good because I slept 5 hours and my shot went well!  That is how this journey goes.  You take the good with the bad and you keep moving forward.  I am not exactly sure what our plans are for the evening, but that is okay.  Why? Well for many reasons, but one of those reasons is that we don't have children and therefore we don't need to worry about setting plans and finding a babysitter.  (Let's be honest... this is probably a stretch in the hunt for positives, but hey I am trying!!)  I also think that the honesty prepares people for what they "might" face if they find themselves in this journey.  I list the meds and the procedures and I talk about them scientifically as well as how they effect me emotionally and physically.  I talk a lot about the process and what to expect of that portion of the journey, along with how that has gone for me!

As we enter a new year and many of us reflect on where we are in life and how we feel about that I hope that this story encourages you to make steps to change the things that you can in life and to feel okay with your feelings about the things you can't change.  I think that will be my goal for 2015... make the changes I can and accept my feelings about the things that I can't.  I also will continue to work toward trusting my instincts about things.  If there is one thing I might change about this blog it will be to include more about trusting your instincts and not letting the thoughts of others guide your decisions.  I will never be able to go back to when I first thought I might have endometriosis and start treatments at that point.  BUT, I can advocate for others who feel that their instincts are telling them that something is wrong.  I can encourage others to make their instincts a priority.  I can listen to my inner voice and use it to take better care of myself.  I can respect myself enough to trust in how I am feeling.  What is the worst that can happen?!?!? The doctor says that everythign is fine??  Or if it is something that is not health related you just might find that whatever your instincts told you didn't quite work out.. and that is okay!  At least you tried!! You make a move and realize that it wasn't exactly what you expected.  Oh well, try again!!! Life is too short, yet too long, to be miserable!! I have been telling myself that for a long time and I really think it is true!!

I hope that 2015 brings you excellent health and great joy!  No matter what you are going through, just know that you do not have to feel alone.  There are so many wonderful people out there who will offer you support and who will pick you up when you can't pick yourself up.  Thank you for continuing to follow our journey.  Thank you for your support and prayers.  Happy New Year!

December 28th

This has been my laziest few days in a LONG time.  To be honest I have felt terrible the last couple days and I have been sleeping a LOT!!!  The night before last I started back on the Bromocryptine.  (Bromocryptine is the medication I take for escalated prolactin levels due to some kind of issue with my pituitary gland.  It is a medication that can have extreme side effects.  It hasn't bothered me during previous cycles, other than making me very tired, but this time it is making me very sick!) After taking the medication I have been so nautious that it has been very hard to get to sleep.  Then, when I finally fall asleep it seems that the alarm goes off instantly for my shot.  Then I am super dizzy, super sick, and dry heaving. :(  It is like having the stomach flu for a few hours each morning.  :(  Then I do my injection and go back to sleep for a few more hours and I wake up fine.  I don't know what I will do if this continues when it is time to go back to school.  I have seriously been going back to sleep until noon or one o'clock each day.  And if I get up before that I am super sick again.  :/  I go in for my baseline ultrasound tomorrow, so hopefully they will have suggestions for me.  I think I will try to get to bed a little earlier tonight and see if that is helpful since I will need to leave my house at about 9 tomorrow and therefore I will not be able to sleep until after noon!! ;)  Last night was my last birth control pill for this cycle.  I took the pill at 8:20, so I had to wait until at least 12:20 to take the Bromocryptine due to a 4 hour time period that was necessary between the two medications.  Hopefully tomorrow will be much better!!

Mike has some work obligations tomorrow, so my mom will be going with me to this appointment (I could go by myself, but this will work out perfectly because I had to cancel the after Christmas shopping trip we had scheduled for Saturday due to being SO sick!!).  It should be very routine and hopefully they will say that I don't have any cysts and that my lining looks good to start the estrogen patches next Saturday.  I am guessing that we will determine my next appointments and I will have a little tutorial regarding the next steps in this process.

I have noticed that my emotions are a little extreme today.  I think the meds are catching up to me a little bit.  The couple that has shared their 8 year journey of infertility and of the two embryos they implanted splitting into two sets of identical twins announced this morning that they would be having their babies within the next 48 hours.  They are just over 29 weeks along.  I started crying because I am so happy for them and how far they have come on this journey!  Then, when they made the announcement that they were actually delivering the babies I started crying again.  I can't imagine how they are feeling right now!  What an amazing and overwhelming time in their lives!  I just can't even imagine!!!

One thing that I have noticed as my hormones are being taken away versus when they were being put to crazy levels is that the foods I absolutely NEEDED during the previous cycles are DISGUSTING to me right now!! HAHA!! The soups that I loved taste extremely bland to me.  Other things that I loved... YUCK!!!! This is totally crazy to me.  I don't really understand how hormones have an affect on how food tastes, but it is totally true!!!!

Well, hopefully tomorrow's appointment will be uneventful and informative.  AND, hopefully there will not be any sickness tomorrow morning!!! :)

Thank you for your continued support of this journey.  It has been a long road and your prayers and kind words have been amazing!  It is hard to believe that this journey started in 2009 and we are about to enter 2015.  It seems like forever, yet I have to trust that God's timing will be perfect and that we will be blessed beyond belief when the timing is right! :)
Have a great night!

The day after Christmas

It's the day after Christmas and it was a pretty lazy day at the McVey house!  Now Mike is at work and I am thinking of all the things I "should" do.  I am sure I will find some ambition before 11 p.m.when Mike gets home!  If not, there is always the weekend, right?!?!? ;)  We stopped for a visit with the McVey's before going to visit my family for Christmas Eve lasagna.  Then we returned to Monmouth for 10:30 p.m. mass. Christmas Day we went back to my families house to celebrate again and Mike's family celebrated up in Naperville.  Mike wasn't feeling the greatest so we came home and both of us napped the rest of the day away!  I slept 3 hours!!!! I guess I was pretty exhausted!!!

Today was the 3rd day of injections for this round and it was pretty uneventful.  Yesterday's injection was painful. :( I also noticed that I had a reaction to the latex-free bandaid that I used on Christmas Eve.  BOO!!! Seriously, this allergy business has to stop!!! So, today I bought some paper tape and hopefully that will be the answer to these issues.  I will ask the doctor when we go on Monday.

Tomorrow night is my last day of the birth contol pill for this round.  I guess the leuprolide will be completely in charge of suppressing my hormones at that point.  I can definitely feel the leuprolide doing something and I have been pretty achy the last couple days.  It said to expect hot flashes (which makes sense because it temporarily puts me in a state of menopause), but I am actually FREEZING COLD most of the time.  I guess it is not likely that anyone will be suprised by the fact that my body is reacting differently to meds than expected!!! ;)

I have been trying to think of things that I want to ask the doctor about on Monday.  I know that they are going to give me instructions for the estrogen patches.  I also know that I want to ask them about the thawing process and how things will work when we go to Rockford in January.  I know that I need to control my anxiety in order to be best prepared for this cycle, so I feel that getting all of my questions taken care of will be the best next step.

It seems like a million years away right now, but I know that implantation day will be here before we know it!  I will keep you posted as we find out more information and learn more about what to expect.

I hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas!!!

Almost Christmas Eve

Tonight I was on the couch catching up on some DVR'd shows, excited about the fact that tomorrow will be my first nonalarm morning.  I was super excited!!! SUPER EXCITED!!!! Then suddenly I shot up off the couch and thought, "WAIT... tomorrow is Christmas Eve!"  Yep... I forgot for a moment that tomorrow morning is the start of my injections.  I have been thinking about the Christmas Eve morning injection everyday and I thought about it a couple hours ago, but as I lounged on the couch tonight all was right in the world and I had forgotten about this journey.  The sudden realization that I had forgotten was startling!  Really, it was.  So, now I think I am going to head to bed so that my brain is clear in the morning when I am trying to figure out exactly what I need to do for this new medicine.

Earlier tonight, when we were talking about my morning injection (see... I am not completely crazy, I remembered it earlier tonight!!!)  Mike asked if it was the "pen" medication.  I explained to him that all the medicines are different this time and that I don't really know what to expect.  I think that is what has me so tense right now.  The unknown.  But, I went for my weekly acupuncture appointment today and I was reminded of the relaxation techiniques that I should use when feeling stressed.  So, I am going to attempt to go upstairs, relax, and get some sleep before we take the next steps in the journey tomorrow!  

Attempt number 4 starts tomorrow!  4th times a charm?!?!?  Surely that is a saying somewhere, right???  

As always, we appreciate your support of our journey.  We hope you have a very Merry Christmas!  And I hope that the new year brings me a renewed sense of hope and rejuvinates my spirit!  Yesterday a dear friend treated me to a psychic reading.  I know, I know, controversial... I honestly don't care to hear the judgement of people over my choice to join a couple of wonderful friends and seeing a psychic... I know that it isn't for everyone, but it was a great day with great friends!  I won't share everything that was said, but I will say my experience was completely different than I had expected.  I actually think I walked in there looking for an easy out in some areas of my life.   Lately I have tried so hard to be positive about this infertility journey that I have let other areas of my life take the brunt of all of my negative feelings... do they call that displace anger?!?!  Well, my reading yesterday opened my eyes to the displaced emotions... maybe not initially... initially I was just taking in all of the information and thinking about everything that was presented to me.  It was actually pretty amazing and I don't regret it one bit.  Then, at my acupuncture appointment my doctor also pointed out a few things and challenged me to reflect on "perspective".  He also challenged me by saying that there are many things I can do in life, but they would be an easy out and in the end I would not be happy.  I told him that his words were just what I had heard the day before and he said that he doesn't believe in coincidence and therefore the words must be exactly what I need to hear.  Lately I have felt that I have stopped making a difference in the lives of others.  I have really doubted my purpose and have struggled to recognize my "place" in this world.  I think a lot of this stemmed from the fear of what life will look like if we are unable to have children and the thought of what that life would look like for me.  I have been living in fear of the future and therefore really ceasing to exist at all.  Today, I had more time to reflect as I made the trip home from my appointment in LaClaire.  I was reflecting, so I wasn't thinking about the "scary, terrifying future" and it was a nice change!  I was thinking about everything that was said yesterday and what my doctor said today.  I was thinking about what friends of mine have said recently and about my recent lack of connection with the world.  The main thing that I took away with me yesterday was that my emotional state is a complete and total mess, but my logical side has kept me from tending to those emotional needs.  My logical side is what keeps me from facing how I really feel and it is what pushes me to keep going when I really need to just feel broken for a while.  It makes me feel guilty for any feelings that aren't positive on this journey.  It pushes me to say yes to all the requests of others to keep myself busy.  My emotional side and my logical side are battling recently and boy oh boy has it messed me up!!! You see, my doctor pointed out today that the "logical" side of a person can be completely illogical.  He said that illogical logic is one of the major problems of our world.  So, I guess I need to "deal" with my emotions before more problems occur.  As I drove home today I realized that all of those displaced emotions have built and festered.  Then, when I checked Facebook this afternoon I saw that Bobbie Thomas from the Today Show had made an update on her website regarding her infertility journey.  She pointed out all of the not so wonderful parts of the journey that make a person want to give up.  That made me realize that even though I have created this blog and opened up about this journey, I have also been kidding myself by suppressing my pain and fears and pawning those feelings off on other areas of my life.  YIKES!! What an unpleasant realization!  I have prayed for intercession in this infertility journey, but I have neglected so many other facets of my life and it shows (Maybe not to people on the outside, but WOWWIE have I realized it over the last couple days... LOUD and CLEAR!!!).  As 2014 wraps up and we move toward 2015 it seems to be a good time to make some decisions about the future.  It is as good of time as any to reevaluate and reinvest in myself.  After all, if Mike and I are going to try to bring a little one into this world, our kiddo is going to need a momma who is stable and not a momma with repressed feelings!!! :)

Thank you for continuing to follow our journey and for your continued prayers and support!

Merry Christmas and may 2015 bring you good health and great happiness!  And may 2015 bring us a baby so that I can blow up this blog with a gazillion adorable pictures!!!! ;)
YIKES!!! It's almost Christmas Eve!! I better get to sleep before it is time for my injection!!!!! Goodnight!!

(Wow!! This post quickly changed before my eyes... it started off as a generic update about my shot tomorrow and then I kind of had a verbal spew! Thanks for hanging in there through the good times and the tough ones too!!!)

Trying again

I haven't really talked about the next steps in our journey at all, probably because I have been very nervous about it.  A couple weeks ago I got a letter in the mail stating that we are approved to try a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET).  The approval was dated from the end of November through February 19th (or something close to that).  I had no idea that we were expecting that letter because I thought we were already approved, but in a way it was an answer to prayer.  I had been feeling apprehensive about trying again and I was kind of wondering whether it was the right time.  The letter answered that question for me!  If we only have until February 19th that means that now IS the time!

So, last week I started back on birth control and the IVF meds will be here on Friday.  I start injections on the morning of Christmas Eve and stop taking the pill on the 27th.  This is the first time with this type of injection, so I am not certain what to expect.  It is called leuprolide.  It was described to me previously as a medicine that would put me in a temporary "menopausal state" due to the way it cuts my estrodial levels.  (This was something they had considered putting me on to help slow the growth of my endometriosis, but because of my age and our desire to have a family they determined that IVF was a better solution.)  Before an FET cycle this medication is used for a short amount of time before starting estrogen patches and progesterone injections.  Then, the next step is to go for my baseline sonogram on December 29th.

The plan after that is to start estrogen patches on January 3rd.  I haven't used them before, so I am a little nervous about how I will respond physically and emotionally! At that point I am sure I will have a few visits to check the lining of my uterus.  Then around January 16th or 17th I will begin the lovely rump injections again!!! This time we hope that everything will work out so that we can purchase the progesterone in cottonseed oil.  From there we have a target implantation date of January 20th.

Unlike the previous cycle when we had 7 embryos on the date of implantation, which took away some of the stress,  this time we will be thawing 2 frozen embryos (one level B and one level C) and hoping that they survive the thawing and continue to grow!  I am sure I will be very nervous as the time approaches.

So, that is our plan as we move toward trying again.  I will keep you posted as I start this completely new medication protocol.
Thank you for your continued support as we continue our journey!

Step by Step

Step by step, day by day... That is how I am moving forward right now.  I don't really have words to describe the last few weeks.  I have gone through a long list of emotions and some days have been easier than others.  Though I thought that time at home would be the hardest it was actually time at school that stung the most.  Pushing through each day with a smile on my face all day long was more difficult than I thought it would be.  I am so thankful to the many friends who comforted me as I snuck into their rooms and had a meltdown.  Thankfully I avoided creating a scene in public!

I determined that the only way to feel better about what was happening was to start making steps forward.  Since we will not have an opportunity to move forward with our reproductive endocrinologist until sometime in January I decided to start going for acupuncture treatments again.  I braved the snow last Monday to make it to an appointment in LaClaire, IA.  My doctor had to do a "reset" like he did during my first visit.  He said that my body had been through a lot since I last saw him and the graphs indicated that a reset was necessary.  I will go back tomorrow to see him and hopefully we will work towards getting my hormones leveled out again!! :)  I truly feel that acupuncture helped prepare my body for our egg retrieval and I hope it will prepare it for the Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET), as well.

Over the last few weeks I have heard a lot of advice.  Most people have told me to keep my head up and wait for God's plan.  Some have told me that I have put myself through a lot and that I should consider what I am doing to my body to try to have children.  Several have told me to take as much time as I need to grieve the loss of our embryos and to move forward only when I am ready.  I appreciate that people care enough to be invested in this journey and I recognize that every piece of advice is given from the heart.  The last few days I have been researching about how to mentally prepare yourself for living life without children after facing infertility.  Basically I have read that there is a grieving process and that each person deals differently, but inevitably a couple must reevaluate their life and determine what life will look like and how priorities will shift.  The funny thing is that if things do not work out I have NO idea what I will do.  Absolutely no idea.  For years I said that I didn't know if I wanted children because it was easier than discussing our infertility, but the truth is that I have never considered a life without children.  I know that they say that it is important to remain positive as we move forward, but I am just not ready to start being hopeful for something that seems so far from reality.  As we celebrated Christmas with the McVey family and I watched my neice and nephews open their gifts (okay... just one nephew... the other one is way to small to open gifts!!) I realized just how hard it will be to accept the fact that without children holidays will look a lot different.  Yes, we will spend the holidays with nieces and nephews at the Cahill house and the McVey house, but that somehow that just doesn't seem the same.  I realized that over the last several years I have only decorated our home one time.  It just seems silly to decorate for just us.
Okay... enough of that!  Maybe this year I need to decorate.  I used to love decorating for Christmas!  I used to decorate my bedroom with tons of Boyd's Christmas stuff and I LOVED it!! Maybe I need to figure out who I have become over the last several years and what is important to me.  I know this journey has changed me.  I know my hobbies are hobbies that I started with the idea that they would be helpful when we had children.  So, I need to think about what I would like to do for me and for my relationship with Mike.
Last night a woman stopped me at the wedding and told me that her heart hurts for us.  I love this lady, but I had no idea that she knew about our journey, so it caught me off guard.  She told me that having your own children is the biggest blessing that a person can ever have.  She hugged me and kissed me on the check and told me that she would continue to pray for us that we will experience that someday.  With tears running down my face I thanked her and hugged her back.  Those tears reminded me that though I wear a brave face everyday there is still pain and also that much to my disappointment, I am still human. (For the record, I successfully navigated inquiries from others without breaking down!! I really did!  This just took me by surprise.)  The woman apologized repeatedly for bringing it up on a night of celebration.  I simply hugged her and whispered, "Let's be honest, it's not like it wasn't on my mind anyway."  She hugged me back and said that she was certain that it was on my mind every day.  And, that is true.  She was absolutely right! Though Mike is able to look at this journey and accept that it is not our time yet, I think about it everyday.  I think of all the what ifs.  I second guess every decision.  I wonder what I can do to better prepare my body for each procedure.  The list goes on and on.
As the holiday season continues I am thankful for such wonderful people in my life.  I am thankful for my loving husband... who, for the record, was a dancing machine at the wedding last night!!! YES! Mike was dancing away the evening with me and it was wonderful!!! :)  I am thankful for our families who love and support us.  I am thankful for our friends who have been such wonderful supporters throughout all of lifes trials and triumphs.  And most of all, I am thankful to know that God has a plan for us that is greater than any plan I could dream of creating for myself.  It is not always easy for me to be patient, but I am trying!
Since Thanksgiving Day (The Christmas celebration for the McVey family), I have been reflecting on the journey we have been on and worrying about what the future might bring.  But, I need to remember that worrying  is not for me to do.  God will take care of everything.  I just need to be patient.
I am looking forward to my acupuncture session tomorrow.  I like that it helps me to control my stress.  I will also be going back to work and I will continue to move forward step by step and day by day. I will continue to look for signs of what I am supposed to learn from this journey, but I will try not to dwell on the outcome.  I will celebrate in the joy and excitement of our friends and family.  I will attempt to determine what will bring me joy and happiness in my life.  (I don't think obsessively watching Hallmark Christmas movies is an acceptable answer!)

Thank you for continuing to support our journey and for recognizing that no part of infertility is full of sunshine and rainbows even if I typically try to look for a silver lining!
I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving!!

P.S.  Speaking of silver linings... I am not sure if this could be considered a silver lining or not considering the length of time that has passed, but my previous Reproductive Endocrinologist, Dr. Horowitz, has accepted a position in West Virginia and has therefore left the Sher Institute.  Though I have always assumed that we would have been pregnant a long time ago if we would have been able to stay with them, this could be the answer to "why" things have happened the way they have up to this point.  Maybe, just maybe, we would have been in the middle of treatments still and we would have been faced with this news.  Maybe this is why we faced so many challenges this summer.  Okay... that is as positive as I can be! HAHA!! ;)

Bizarre...

I continue to stand by the fact that if there is a possibitlity for strange things to occur they will happen to me.  Today I got a call from my doctor's office asking if I called the insurance company regarding the progesterone issues.  I did not call because the nurse told me yesterday that they were going to write a medical necessity letter and I figured there was no point in contacting them until that was written.  Someone DID contact them though and confronted them about not covering the medication that I needed.  We have no idea who it was, but the insurance company called my doctor's office and told them that they DID cover the cottonseed oil/progesterone compound, but the pharmacy was not sending the right code which caused the repeated denials.  They said that they contacted the pharmacy twice with the information and they continued to process it incorrectly.  They also said that the pharmacy did process the cottonseed oil/progesterone correctly once on Oct. 7th, but then they reversed it.  I am SOOO confused.  Why are we just learning about all of this chaos that was occuring and why was the pharmacy telling me that they would not cover the compound because it was not commerically available? Nothing can change the outcome of what we have already faced.  Determining who is to blame will not turn us back to a time before we lost our embryos of this cycle. I hope this situation will help others who might someday find themselves in a similar situation to fight for what their gut is telling them.  I never wanted to use the gel.  My gut told me it just wasn't worth the risk, but as we got closer to our cycle I gave in because I wanted to make sure that we had everything taken care of in time.

The bright side of all of this is that the insurance company WILL cover the compound we need.  The frustrating thing is that we might still have problems getting the claim processed through the pharmacy.  I would start calling now to make sure that everything is taken care of, but there is a chance that the medication would expire before I need it if I order it now.  So, I will put it on my calendar to call them in a couple weeks and I will continue to fight the good fight until we get exactly what we need for the next cycle.

Thank you for continuing to support us through your thoughts, prayers, and kind gestures!  We really appreciate it!  And, to the person who went to bat for us with the insurance company, thank you for that! It was unexpected, but obviously very effective! :) I am still in shock about it actually!

P.S.  I think the worst of the physical pain is behind me.  My back pain has decreased drastically.  I haven't really had cramping at all today.  The bleeding has calmed significantly. I am exhausted, but I have a feeling that I will be for a while.  I read on several websites that it will be a month or two before I will physically recover from the process of a failed IVF cycle (although there have been reports of recoveries lasting over 6 months... yuck!).  I am still hopeful that acupuncture will help me to feel better in a shorter amount of time by balancing my hormones... though I have so many meetings scheduled for next week that I won't get to have an appointment for at least another week.  :/

Have a great evening!

Negative

I made a post two days ago, but I did not mention it on Facebook.  I wrote it because I wanted to remember what was happening during a very scary time, but I didn't mention it because I wasn't ready to face what was happening publicly.  The weekend is such a scary, lonely time when you are facing unknown circumstances.  Saturday night I consulted the internet because I had very ymild spotting occuring.  The internet stated that it was likely implantation bleeding and that it was completely normal.  My concerns did not completely go away. The cramps that I had were very intense and something just didn't seem right.  I continued my self inflicted bed rest and hoped and prayed for the best.  By Sunday afternoon the cramping was terrible and the bleeding intensified.  I knew something was very wrong.  I left a message for the doctor's office to call me first thing in the morning.  When the nurse called me she asked if I was still having spotting.  I told her that how much the bleeding had intensified and she said that my body was not responding to the progesterone gel, but it was too late to save this by switching progesterone.  She said that she wanted to move up my blood work so that it was completed Tuesday (today) instead of Wednesday.  Throughout the day yesterday the bleeding intensified.  I wanted to believe that it was possible that I had only lost one embryo, but logically I knew that there was no way an embryo could survive the bleeding that was happening.  I thought back to the conversation I had while placing the progesterone order... the fact that insurance would not cover the cottonseed oil/progesterone compound and therefore we would need to use the progesterone gel instead.  I questioned it.  I tried to fight it.  The pharmacy called multiple times to check with the insurance company.  They would not budge.  I gave in.  Looking back I shouldn't have given in, but how was I to know that this would happen.  They told me that the gel was seen as just as effective as the injections.... but then I think back to the first day that the meds were explained to us (months ago) when they said, "If bleeding occurs you will be switched to injections."  and I think again that I should not have given in.
To add insult to injury the nurse said that our out of pocket total for the gel was probably more than we would have paid for the injections.  She said the gel is ridiculously expensive. Which leads to the question, "Why the heck wouldn't the insurance company let us get the injections in the first place!??!?!"  The nurse said that she will have the doctor write a letter to the insurance company stating that the cottonseed/progesterone compound is a medical necessity for me.  I hope they listen.  If not we will find a way to make it happen!

Today I went for the blood test.  This afternoon the nurse called to tell me that the test came back negative.  She said that the next cycle will not be until January.  They need us to decide if we will move forward with a fresh cycle or a frozen cycle.  We need to determine whether we will trust my natural cycle to be regular or whether we will start controlling it now.  But all I could think of as she talked was that, most of all, I just need to take a while to be sad and to heal.  The emotional pain and the physical pain are overwhelming.  It never ceases to amaze me that things are so matter of fact when the call comes.  I realize that it is necessary, but it is still hard to accept.  So much hope is crushed with that phone call. And then immediately we begin planning toward the next cycle that we are supposed to be hopeful about.  It seems so cold... but I know that it is necessary.

Thank you for all of your support throughout this process.  Thank you for the thoughts and prayers.  Thank you to those of you who got to experience my breakdowns yesterday.  I was proud that there were only three of them at school and that I was able to make it into a room each time so that one person had to deal with it, not a whole school building.  Every ounce of me wanted to stay home with my feet up until I heard from the doctor and walking through those doors felt like torture, but I did it and I was so proud of myself when I walked out of that building at 5 p.m.  I made it.  Not only did I make it, but not a single child saw a tear nor had a clue that I was dying inside.  Today I dreaded going for the blood work.  I pushed the snooze 3 times... not because I was tired and wanted to go back to sleep, but because I was avoiding the inevitable.  I walked into the school today feeling completely numb and I dreaded the phone call that would come to me later.  I put a smile on my face and taught my lessons.  I finished up the totals for the pie fundraiser.  I put away the new books from my grant.  I went about the day with the strangest sensation of total numbness.  I guess it is the best I can do right now.  I just can't feel excited for the next step yet.  I can't look at the "progress" we made in the process and see it as a success.  I can't find joy in the fact that we came one step closer.  I just don't have it in me.  So, I will continue to smile until the numbness is gone.  And then I will face whatever comes after that.

Thank you again for supporting us through this journey with your thoughts and prayers.  We are so grateful for all of you.  

The weekend

This weekend has been a little scary.  I was very tired Friday night, so I decided to clean up the house a bit, work on laundry, and rest as much as possible.  I woke up yesterday feeling even more exhausted I either slept or stayed on the couch with my feet up the entire day.  Then late last night I had a very small amount of spotting.  I was concerned, but I read online that it was probably implantation bleeding.  So, I went to sleep and slept right up to the time for me to do my progesterone application this morning (with only a few quick wakeups for restroom and water).  This morning I took it easy and lounged on the couch again.  I napped off and on throughout the day and then early afternoon I started having bleeding again.  This bleeding has not been heavy, but it has been consistent and it has been scary because I don't know what is causing it.  I feel like it is too much for implantation bleeding, but I don't know that for certain.  I read that the progesterone should stop me from having a period, so I really don't know what this is.  I just know that I am having a lot of cramping very low in my abdomen.

Wednesday can not come soon enough.  I just want answers and to know that the babies are growing and healthy! Or to know that this was not meant to be.  I just want to know.

Transfer Day

Sorry for the delayed post.  This week has been pretty crazy... from bed rest and not feeling up to doing anything to trying to get as much done as possible while still trying to follow my restrictions... I am definitely glad to have my feet up right now and I am strongly considering an early bedtime!! :)

Friday night (Halloween) Mike and I made the trip to Rockford.  On the way we were very suprised to see so much traffic on 74 and 88... it was Halloween night and PRIME trick or treating time!!! What were these people doing?!?!!?  We decided to stop in Sterling to have dinner at a mom and pop type restaurant and we were suprised by the number of people out to eat during trick or treating time. Although, one couple did have candy that they were handing out at their table.  Apparently they are REGULARS!!! From the sounds of it they might be there daily! ;)  We got back on the road and arrived in Rockford sometime after 9 p.m., settled in and watched the end of the Bulls game.  Then, what sounds better than sleep on the night before transfering embryos??!?!??! Denny's desserts!!! Mike had an amazing banana split and I ordered the caramal apple crisp.  So good!!!! We then went back to the hotel and realized that we were going to be SUPER tired in the morning!! The sacrifices we are willing to make for dessert!!! HAHAHH!!  I did my progesterone application and prayed that we would have embryos ready for us in the morning (At this point we hadn't heard anything about our embryos since Thursday morning.).

The morning started off very slow... I know, I should have been eager and bright eyed, but to be honest I just kept hitting snooze and finally asked Mike if he would just get ready first.  I felt exhausted and apprehension probably had something to do with it, too.  With the late start we left the hotel with only a few minutes to get to the facility and I was FREAKING OUT!!!! Majorly panicking that we would be late!!! Well, we were late... but just by a few minutes.  It didn't seem to be a problem at all, especially since we were scheduled to be there 30 minutes before my procedure.  They called us right back and we went to the same room that I was in before and after my retrieval.  The nurse was FABULOUS!!! She reminded me of a flight attendent as she rattled off the list of restrictions that I would need to follow after the transfer.  She had such a spunky personality. :)  Soon we had all of our information for what to do after we went home and they had me get changed into the lovely gown.  So glamorous!!

The next person to enter the room was the embryologist.  She walked in and told us that all 7 of our embryos had made it.  She said that we had 2 grade A embryos that woud be used for the transfer, 3 grade B embryos that would be frozen, and 2 grade C embryos that would be destroyed.  Mike and I looked at each other and immediately said, "WHAT?!?!??!".  We discussed with the embryologist that we did not feel comforable with the idea of destroying any embryos and she stated that she felt that those embryos were not worth freezing because they would likely not make it throught the freezing and/or thawing process.  She said that they were not growing at the rate of the others.  Basically she was stating that they were inferior.  The thing is, I know someone who has "Grade C twins".  They are amazing!! They are tied for #1 in their high school class, they are wonderful kids, and they have a family who loves them.  They are the "Grade C" poster children!!! How could I let this facility destroy my Grade C babies?!?!? Well, the answer is that we didn't.  We asked her if we could have some time to talk to each other, but that wasn't possible due to the need for the paperwork to be signed before the procedure.  So, we said that we wanted them frozen and if they didn't make it through freezing and thawing at least we gave them a chance.  I know that Mike was very taken back by the situation and he wasn't prepared to have to face it at that point.  Neither of us really thought about the fact that we could be presented with such a situation.  But, we know we made the right decision. So, we have 3 vials of our frozen embryos: 1 B and 1 C, 1 B and 1 C, and 1 B.  We have already decided that if at any point we determine that our family is complete, we will donate the remaining embryos to a family that is on the waiting list at the facility.  I can't imagine what those couples are going through as they wait.  I do know from our previous experience that it is a terrible feeling to think that you may never have a chance at forming your own embryos.  I hope that someday we will be able to help someone in that situation.

The embryologist left and brought in the catheter with the 2 embryos in it and left the room again.  The doctor and nurse came in at that point and I have a feeling that the staff must have told him about my anesthetized ramblings because Dr. G was actually very personable!!! Seriously!!! He came in and asked how our Halloween was and after we told him we spent it driving and had stayed at the hotel he recommended, he continued to tell us about his evening.  He said that he is lucky because the area he lives in is wooded and therefore doesn't get any trick or treaters! HAHA!!! He then said that he gets candy just in case, but he also said that it was a great night because he went to the grocery store and noone was there! I got a kick out of the conversation because while being personable and chatting he managed to say that he was lucky that he didn't have to deal with trick or treaters! HAHA!! So ironic to me that he is in the business of bringing children into the world!!! :)The urse then made the comment that she had guessed that I was a kindergarten teacher because I was so nice. She was so curious that she had actually checked online in my file to see what my occupation was.  I wonder if she really sees a trend with the demeanor of people from different occupations?!? Is there a certain occupation taht she really dreads dealling with??  She was very proud of herself when she read that I am an elementary teacher.  It made me feel good to know that she felt that I was extremely nice.  Sometimes in those tough situations you want to be kind, you try to be gracious, but you aren't really sure if it is all working!!!

At that point they instructed me to assume the position!!! ( I will spare you the details!!!)  For this procedure you must have a full bladder, so the doctor and nurse completed a sonogram to determine if my bladder was full enough to get started.  It was determined that my bladder looked "great" and we were able to move forward.  The procedure went very smoothly.  It is not something that is comfortable to have done to you, but it is also the means to us having children, so it will be worth it!! Once they felt that everything was in position they walkie talkied to the embryologist to let her know that the transfer was complete.  YEP!!! They walkie talkied!!! I thought it was SOOO cool!!! Then the embryologist came in and grabbed the catheter carefully to take and examine for assurance that the embryos were in my body and not still in the catheter!  It was exciting to hear her radio back the all clear.  The doctor and nurse said that everything looked great and that they didn't see a reason why this wouldn't work out.  Then they said that I needed to lay flat for 30 minutes and I could use the restroom after that.  THIRTY MINUTES!!!! The nurse also told me that she could bring in a bed pan if my bladder was going to give out.  Well, the problem is that I REALLY had to go, but I am physically unable to go in a bed pan.  I tried after one of my surgeries and it just wouldn't work.  I am guessing it is due to the endometriosis and how it has things all messed up in there, but for whatever reason I cannot do it.  So, I had to just wait for 30 torcherous minutes for relief.  About 15 minutes into this wait my legs started shaking, which was not a good thing because the way they left me had my legs bent onto a part of the bed that was collapsible.  So, as my legs were shaking it was bouncing the collapsible part of the bed.  :/ Not comfortable!!! Not at all!!! I started checking facebook, playing games on my phone, trying to do anything to distract myself.  I was almost in tears.  I kept telling Mike that I was going to pee the bed.  At that point we had about 5 minutes left and Mike had my clothes in his hands and ready for me so that I could throw them on and shoot across the hallway to the bathroom.  Within a couple minutes we had decided that I would not even worry about changing and that I could change after I had gone.  It was SUPER intense.  Definitely the worst part of the procedure! I continued to play on the phone while Mike watched the clock.  When he told me I could get up it was like a sad joke... the bed and the contraptions on the bed had me trapped.  I thought I would pee the bed for sure by the time I got around all the contraptions.  But I made it... and I even decided on throwing my clothes on before entering the hallway... THANKFULLY!!!! Wouldn't you know it, Dr. G. was right outside the door when I walked out there.  Now that I think of it, it shouldn't be that embarrassing... afterall, there isn't anything that he would have seen that he hadn't just seen 30 minutes earlier! HAHAH!! (Sorry, but I have to keep a sense of humor about the number of doctors that have been all up in my business or I would go CRAZY!!!)  We were then sent on our way and I was instructed to be on bed rest for two days.  I was also given the restriction that I couldn't really lift anything during that time, and that I can't lift over 10 pounds for the next couple weeks at least.

I forgot to mention that during my time laying flat we decided that we really wanted to go meet Rylan and see the rest of the Schroeder family as well.  So, we got into the car and made the trek to DeKalb... it was so close to where we were that I just couldn't pass up the opportunity, even if I did have to lay flat on their couch the whole visit.  So we stayed a couple hours and ate lunch with them.  It was a great visit and I am glad we made the slight detour!!! :)

Once I got home Mike was fabulous!  He got dishes and laundry going.  He took care of getting me fed and made sure that I was as comfortable as I could be.  (My back was killing me at that point!) And he made sure that I had everything necessary to remain hydrated.

Bed rest was rough because being flat on my back was really uncomfortable due to my back pain.  This is a side effect of the procedure and of my new progesterone and it was pretty rough.  When I went back to work on Monday I felt like I would die... dizziness, vomiting, back pain, exhaustion.  It was just terrible.  But, I made it through and I even stayed to work on things until about 5:00.  Tuesday was a little better, but my back pain was still there. It has improved from there, but by 5 each day I am really ready to head home and hit the couch.  Last night I managed to make lasagna roll ups when I got home!! Tonight I am getting some laundry done!! Small victories!!!

For now I continue to stay off my feet as much as possible.  I don't lift things that are greater than 10 pounds.  I try to keep my feet up at night.  I have been attempting to get a little more sleep.  I have been making sure to get more than the 64 ounces of water that they told me I was require to drink.  I have been taking the prescription prenatal and doing my progesterone gel applications.  So, I am doing everything I can to assure that things are going well.  I have been praying for these babies.  I pray that they burrow in and make themselves cozy.  That they grow and grow and grow into healthy Team McVey members!!! And I also think that I am kind of in denial about everything that has taken place... it seems SOOO surreal!!

Thank you for your continued support, thoughts, and prayers!! The outpouring of support truly is remarkable!

Next week is going to be tough. As we get closer to finding out if we have additions to Team McVey still with us and growing I am sure I will be increasingly anxious!!! Hopefully you will be hearing from me soon that we have at least one new member of Team McVey on board!! Mike has made it very clear that four new members would not be his ideal situation.  I think he has now realized that two would be scary, but also exciting.  We haven't really discussed three... but I know that we will do the best we can with God's plan is for us!!!

Our eggs!

This morning I got a call from the embryologist, Brian.  He told me that 7 of our 9 eggs were mature and 2 were immature.  He let me know that the 2 immature eggs did not fertilize even though they tried to allow them to further mature.  BUT, he said that ALL SEVEN of the mature eggs fertilized!!! SOOOO... we have 7 embryos!!!! :)  

This is a very exciting time!!! Now we just keep praying that these embryos will continue to grow and grow and grow!!! Our hope is to be able to transfer 2 embryos on Saturday morning at the implantation appointment.  We know that it is likely that not all embryos will make it to that point, but we are hopeful that we will have at least 2 strong Day 3 embryos on Saturday!! :)  We have already made a deposit to freeze any remaining embryos.  We will not be discarding them!  :) 

( I have had a lot of people ask about the process of determining how many embryos to implant and what to do with the other embryos... I will make a blog post about this soon!) 

Thank you for your continued support of our journey!! Thank you for thinking of our little ones that are up in Rockford and for keeping them in your prayers!!! Brian and Brooke are taking great care of them and watching over them for us!! I can't wait to see them on Saturday!!! :)  

It is crazy to think that after over 5 years of trying to grow our family our lives were changed so much in 1 day!!! We will keep you updated as we learn more about this process.  

P.S.  Last year on this date I had major surgery!!! So much endometriosis was removed and the two weeks that followed were a nightmare!  A year ago today I thought I was going to die. I woke up from surgery on oxygen and they wouldn't let Mike see me.  I was SO scared.  I was in SOOOOO much pain.  Instead of the anticipated 2 days of bed rest I had 2 WEEKS of bed rest and then restrictions for almost a month.  UGH!!!  SUCH A NIGHTMARE!!!! What a difference a year makes!!! I am very thankful that TODAY is the date that we got the news of our little ones growing up in Rockford.  It is such an amazing change from the previous memory of this date.  It brings it full circle!!! :)  

Another Halloween that the McVey's won't be able to  greet trick or treaters.  Looks like we will have enough fruit snacks to last us a whole year!!! I thought fruit snacks would be a good treat this year.  At least I got fruit snacks this year instead of candy!!! Believe me, we wouldn't have a problem tackling bags and bags of candy!  BUT, I don't think it would be helpful to the baby/babies!!!!  ;)  

Thanks again for your support!! We will keep you posted!!! 

Another P.S. (Hey... I am on bed rest and have nothing better to do than continue babbling!!!)  I want to point out that I am calmer today and yesterday than I have ever been in this process.  It is SUPER weird to me! I haven't cried.  I haven't been going crazy excited.  I think I am in shock or something!! And, I guess I know that my body needs me to chill out right now!!! :)  Does anyone find this calm strange?!?!?! I find it super strange, but also refreshing.  Maybe this is how normal people feel!!! I am SO used to being high strung!!!! I am so used to feeling everything times 1 million!! I am enjoying the fact that I am not going crazy right now and overthinking!!! It is a nice change!! But, I am pretty sure it is a phase I will pass through quickly!!!  I am very happy about the way things are moving right now and I am taking it moment by moment!!! 

Quote from Mike to end this blog post: As he was heading out the door earlier he said, "I just want a guarantee, (at this point I thought he was going to say "stay on the couch and remember you are on bed rest... NOPE!!) that we will not have 4 if we put in 2!!"  HAHAH!!! Sorry honey!! No guarantee... But, if they both split and turned into 4 they would be 1 in 70 million!!! That is pretty special!! ;)  And, I am pretty sure both of us would faint!!! HAHA!! 

Have a wonderful night!!! :)  

Retrieval!

Last night my mom, Mike, and I took off to Rockford to stay in a hotel in preparation for retrieval today! (Side note: The hotel had Sleep Number beds which we thought was really cool at first, but then we did not sleep well, so I guess it wasn't as cool as we thought. Lesson learned: We don't really need a Sleep Number bed like I thought!!! HAHA!!)

Surprisingly, I was able to fall asleep right away... I said some prayers that I would be calm and at peace with the retrieval and then, if I am being honest, I panicked a little thinking that I might ovulate early or something crazy like that!!! I woke up SUPER early... way earlier than I needed to!  But, so did Mike and my mom, so I wasn't super bored! I waited a couple hours and took my Pepcid at 7 a.m. like a good girl!! 

Mike got ready, my mom got ready, and then I finally started getting ready while they went to breakfast.  I am so thankful that breakfast is my least favorite meal because apparently they had an amazing breakfast, but I wasn't jealous because NONE of it sounded good to me!!! :)  

We made the trek over to the facility and they took me back to get me changed into a gown (Who doesn't love those gowns!!) and to give me an I.V. (another favorite!!!!).  I also got to answer lots of questions... my favorite?!?!? "Have you smoked 100 cigarettes in your lifetime?"  "No."  "Okay. Sorry, we have to ask that random question!"  So strange, but the nurse was SUPER nice!!  

Then we waited... Not because they were running late or anything, just because this is how surgeries and procedures work!!  Then, Mike was picked up to go do his thing and I waited some more!  Someday he needs to make a blog post about the awkwardness of his contributions to this process... 4 samples, 4 different places, always nurses chatting in the hallway! HAHA!! Poor guy!!!

 I believe at that point a couple different people stopped in to talk to me about the procedure and asked if I had any questions.  Then I was taken in to get my IV and anesthesia.  The lady did an excellent job!  I barely have a bruise from the IV, which is pretty exciting!! My favorite part was that she said, "This will seem a little sketchy.  This will kick in pretty quickly and the next thing you know you will be in the other room!"  I LOVED that she said "sketchy"! Too funny!!! HAHA!!

Well, she was right.  I didn't remember anything.  But, evidentally I made a fool of myself and talked about how cynical the doctor (not today's doctor, Dr. G.) is.  The first thing I remember is Mikes saying, "Julie, STOP... you can't talk like that to his staff." HAHAHAH!! Oh my gosh... I am so embarrassed!!! OOPS!! I guess my response was, "Well, he is the one that called himself cynical!"  Mike said the nurses just laughed, but that doesn't mean that I am not embarrassed!!! WOW!!! ;)

I guess while I was still loopy I missed the doctor coming in and telling us that there were 9 eggs retrieved!  Thankfully Mike was not loopy so he was able to tell me when I was less loopy!! The doctor said that they must have been hiding the last time he did a sonogram because there were only 7 that day!! I really like Dr. S. and I am so thankful that he was there today to help us!!

A little bit later the doctor came back in and told us that due to my endometriosis they were going to use a process called ISCI which means that they will inject a single sperm into each mature egg.  This will eliminate the chance that endometriosis would cause the eggs to not fertilize well.  Hopefully that means we will get a good call tomorrow saying that we have embryos that look healthy!! Grow babies!! GROW!!! :)  He also said that they would surround the immature eggs with lots of sperm for 5-6 hours in hopes that they will mature and be fertilized.  Grow!! Grow!! Grow!!!

He also told us that he believes we will implant on Saturday as a Day 3 transfer.  We will find out more information when they call tomorrow to tell us how many embryos we have.  So, our plan is that we will drive up on Friday night and stay in Rockford so that we can implant on Saturday.  We also have to make a decision... one embryo or two?!?! We need to discuss this and all the implications, and we need to make the decision soon!!!

Currently I am taking it easy while I am on bed rest.  I can't drive yet or "make decisions" per the form they gave us!!! ;)  So, I will be home on the couch tomorrow also.  I will also have to check my weight and measure my waist tomorrow to ensure that I am not experiencing overstimulation.  If I gai n 5 pounds or 2 inches I have to call right away.  Hopefully that is not something that I have to deal with!! So far I am just tryng to follow the doctors orders and Mike has been great!  He said, "You are kind of like taking care of a pet rock.  You pretty much take care of yourself!" HAHA!! I guess that means I am a good patient and don't bother him too much!!!

Thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers!  We are excited to hear from them tomorrow and we hope that we have healthy babies growing in Rockford!!! We will keep you updated as we find out more!! Thanks again for joining us on our journey!!!

Shockingly I am very calm today.  After I heard that we have 9 eggs I stopped stressing.  I realize that this is far from over, but I know that I have done everything I can and I am coninuing to do what the doctors have told me.  I have prayed for peace and calm during this time and thankfully I have it.  Now, if I don't hear from the doctor's office fairly early in the morning I am sure I will start to get nervous, but I will do my best to remain calm!! :)

Have a great night!!! 

Sonogram #3

Last night I had too much nervous energy/excitement to sleep... which led to me feeling EXHAUSTED today!!! But, I have to stay up until a little after 11:00 tonight, so there is no chance of going to bed early to try to recuperate a little from getting less than 4 hours of sleep last night.

Today's sonogram went well.  We are now using latex free materials, so that is much better than what I experienced on Friday!  The doctor (back to Dr. G this time) said that the lining of my uterus is "beautiful" and that things look "optimistic"!!!! Woohoo!!! That is pretty exciting coming from a self proclaimed cynic!!

The Dr. started out the sonogram by saying, "Oh, you are the one with the ovary stuck to your uterus!"  Yep... yep I am!! ;)  Then he said that I had 3 follicles... this kind of made me panic until he said, "Now lets look at the one that is stuck."  So, I have 3 follicles on the ovary that I had only endometriosis on on Friday!  Crazy, but I will take it!!!  (The follicles are size 10, 12, and 18.  So, we will just have to see if any will be viable.  Possibly the 18, unless that is the endometrioma that was seen on the sono last time.")

So, then he looked at the tricky ovary and determined that we still had 7 follicles and most of them are big and fat!!! I had a couple 25s, several 22s, and a 16.  I don't really know why that 16 didn't grow, but oh well... So, we have 7 on the tricky ovary and 3 on the other one.  So we scheduled our retrieval for Wednesday!! :)

Dr. S. will be in charge of my retrieval and Dr. G. will be in charge of the implantation (as long as we get to that stage!!!).  Dr. G. instructed us that we must stay at a hotel in Rockford due to the distance we live from the facility.  He said there are too many things that could go wrong when we are that far away because this procedure is SOOOO time sensitive!

Tonight at 11:00 we will do the Novarel trigger shot.  That is exactly 35 hours from the procedure.  The medicine causes ovulation to occur between 36 and 40 hours from the injection... SO, he said that if anything held us up such as car trouble or a fender bender I would likely ovulate in the car instead of having my eggs retrieved like they are supposed to be! In other words, things would be cancelled again!  Tonight I called and booked the hotel room and we will leave after school tomorrow!  The doctor was adamant that it was the right choice!!! They gave us the number for a hotel that they have a discount worked out with... let me tell you, I would hate to think of what the regular price is... I wouldn't think that a Tuesday night would have their highest rate either... this must be a super nice hotel!!! ;)  Honestly, I was not very excited about spending the extra money on a hotel room. But, at this point it is such a small amount compared to the big picture... I need to just take a deep breath and remind myself that it will all be worth it!!!

Tonight's injection is an intermuscular injection, so it is done in the rump.  Hopefully this will be the last injection of this cycle! WOOHOO!!! From this point on I will only be using the progesterone gel, not the progesterone injections (due to the allergic reaction).  I am a little nervous about the change because they can't guarantee that I won't have a reaction to this form of progesterone. EEK!!! ;)

Currently I am very excited and optimistic about Wednesday's procedure!  I am experiencing a lot of back pain and abdominal discomfort, but they said that is because my ovaries are "full" and pushing on my back.  So, I will just continue to try to find comfortable positions to sit, stand, and lounge in!  This will all be worth it if we are able to bring home a healthy baby someday!!! :)

Right now I am in awe as I think about the fact that we might have babies forming on Wednesday!!! Within the week it is possible that we will get to see pictures of our babies!!! The dream I had about taking the embryo pictures to school to show them off could come true! I know that I need to prepare myself for the fact that it might not work out, but for now I just need to enjoy this moment!

Thank you again for all of your support!! We are both excited about this week and the opportunities we have this week.  I wish I would have asked more about the process that will occur after they do my surgery and Mike takes care of his end of the deal!  I know that they put them in a petri dish, but I don't really know how they will determine the time frame for the rest of the process.  Hopefully I will be with it enough after I come out of anesthesia to ask the questions I have!!

At this point I don't even know what I want to know!! HAHA!! I think it is a little above my head!! :)

Have a wonderful evening and thanks again for being part of our journey!!!

Sonogram #2

Yesterday we had sonogram #2.  It started off very strange because I had a couple things added to my file.  One thing that was added was a latex allergy!!! Yep, somehow I have developed an allergy to latex. My stomach has welts on it from the bandages that we have used throughout the injection process and they told us it is from a latex allergy.  I thought my stomach was just sensitive because my arm hasn't had any reactions to the bandages they used during blood draws, but it turns out they use latex free bandages.  I used latex free bandages last night and this morning... no new welts! SOOOO... add another freakshow allergy to my list!!! ;)

Also, we found out that the fact that my body rejects internal stitches has a name and needs to be added to my medical file.  Who knew?!?!  People acted like it wasn't really a big deal, so I just didn't worry about it.  Turns out that my body doesn't "break them down" and therefore those can't be used on me anymore.  I think I am starting to learn a lesson... if something doesn't seem right I shouldn't listen to people who are discounting my fears... it probably isn't right.  Too many times I have been concerned about something with my health, people have discounted it, I have believed them, and in the end I am the one who has to deal with the situations that arise later.  Public service announcement... YOU are your best advocate!!!! Fight for yourself and try to be supportive of others who are advocating for their health!!!! :)

Back to the sonogram... I was surprised to see Dr. S walk through the door instead of Dr. G.  But, I wasn't disappointed.  I really like Dr. S and I feel like he is much better at communicating with us.  So, it was a nice surprise!  Turns out that Dr. S will be the one doing my retrieval, so I was glad he was able to take a peek!  Here is a run down of the appointment:
1.  Dr. S. asked to see my tummy and then told me to use latex free bandages or paper tape and guaze from now on.  He said we don't want me to continue to welt.  Thank you!! I don't want to continue to welt either!!
2. When he started the sonogram he went directly to the location of the "bad" ovary.  He didn't say anything negative about the position.  He said, "Well! We have a lot more follicles than last time."  I thought he meant more than Wednesday, so I asked if he was looking at the "good ovary" or the "bad ovary", but I was wrong... he was talking about the last cycle attempt when he completed my IUI he wasn't comparing to Wednesday's sonogram. I am so glad he cares enough to remember previous cycles and compare the progress!!!
3.  He asked why we call my ovaries the "good ovary" and the "bad ovary".  We told him it was because the "bad" one is stuck in a place it shouldn't be... he said, "Oh, I thought the "good" ovary was the "bad" ovary because it had a problem that you are aware of.  At that point I realized that the "bad" ovary is actually my "good" ovary and it is just par for the course that it is going to be tricky to get to.  Turns out the ovary that we have been calling "good" is having issues and it doesn't have any follicles on it.  Instead, what they thought was a single follicle is actually endometriosis.  :( BOOO!!! And we have been calling it the "good ovary"!!! I have been living a lie!! ;) I think I will start calling the stuck ovary the "tricky ovary" and the other one is just the dud right now!!! ;)
4.  He counted the follicles and determined that we have 7 follicles left out of the 9.  As I said in #3 he told me that he believes that one of the follicles is not actually a follicle.  He said he will try to get the follicles from the tricky ovary first and then he will see what he can do with the follicle that might be endometriosis.  I reminded him that I have had chocolate cysts removed before, so his plan is to check it and see if it has normal fluid and possilby an egg or if it is full of the dark gook that  a chocolate cyst is full of.  He will tackle it last so that he doesn't contaminate the line for other follicles and eggs.  I am SOOO thankful that he is being cautious in this situation.
5.  They read off the measurements and things sounded great!!!! My follicles are getting so close to the 18+ target!!!! YAY!!!!
6. I finally decided that I wanted to ask why he didn't seem nervous about the positioning of my ovary like Dr. G. did.  He said, 'You will be put under for this procedure.  I can manipulate your abdomen any way I need to and you won't feel it!"  So, I have a feeling I might be sore when I wake up, but it will be worth it if we have good results!!! :)
7.  Dr. S. told me to get dressed and meet them in the office area.  So, that is what I did.  Then the nurse told me that the IVF coordinator brought it to her attention that one of my medications that I am scheduled to use on Monday has latex in it.  Thankfully I received a different type of meds that does NOT contain latex.  YAY!!! Things are looking up!!!
8.  They scheduled our next appointment for Wednesday and gave me some emergency meds to take home just in case we didn't have enough to make it thought the weekend.  Dr. S. said, "You better take them... the weekend is a lonely place to be without enough meds!"  See!! I told you he was much more personable!!
9.  As Mike and I were about to walk out the door I quickly turned around and said, "What happened to my other follicle!?!??! Why did I have less this time?"  Yes... this had been bothering me all along and being the freakshow I am, I just couldn't let it go!!! Dr. S. told me that it is perfectly normal for larger follicles to take over and for smaller follicles to die off.  OK!! I can accept that!!! We want big, plump, healthy follicles and that is what we have!!! :)
So, I left feeling pretty fabulous about our chances!!! :)

So, the plan is that we will go back on Monday... have an excellent appointment!!!! Then, we will stay up late (who am I kidding?!?!? We would have been awake anyway!!!) and do our HCG trigger shot (the one without the latex - it is a rump shot).  Then we will go for retrieval on Wednesday!!!! At that point I will have bed rest on Wednesday and Thursday and hope that we have some amazing little embryos growing at that point!!!! :)  If so we will implant on Saturday, Sunday, or Monday... it all depends on what those little babies need!!!!! :)

Things I learned from this appointment...
1. When the nurse says that I might want a different internal probe cover because it has latex and I could react... LISTEN TO HER!!! I reacted!! It is just as uncomfortable as it sounds!!! ;) I will definitely let her know that I need a differetn cover for Monday's appointment!!!
2.  Latex is an allergy you "grow into'.  Meaning that you are more likely to develop an allergy the more you are exposed to it... You have been warned!!!! ;)
3.  Sometimes good news is the best medicine you could ask for! And, it can be exhausting!!! I didn't realize that I was basically holding my breath for 2 days waiting to see if things were still going well. I couldn't believe the weight that was taken off my shoulders when I heard that things were looking good and that Dr. S. felt confident about next week!!!!  As soon as we left I instantly felt exhausted.. I realized how poorly I have been sleeping... and I took a short nap as soon as I got home!!
4.  Boys and girls handle infertility differently... and it is okay!  Mike is so good at taking this one day at a time and sometimes it is hard for me to accept the calm that he maintains... but, this is happening to my body.  I am reminded of it every second of every day because my body is not normal right now!!!  So, we will handle this differently, and that is just fine!!! As long as we are in it together, we don't have to feel the same along the way!! ;)
5. I am so thankful for an amazing support team that allows me to feel the way I feel!!
6.  Right now I feel like a pin cushion... and Mike said it is because I am one... and I look like one!!! ;) Thanks babe!!! ;)  HAHAHAHH!!!! P.S.  I really do!!!

I am currently feeling very "full" in the abdomen.  It is a normal feeling as everything continues to do what it is supposed to do, but it is still strange!!

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!  I will update if anything changes as the weekend continues on!
Thanks for everything!!!

Sonogram #1

This afternoon we went in for our first sonogram since starting the injections.  The first ovary (the good one) had 1 follicle.  I was a little disappointed to only see 1, but at least it looked good.  Then he went to the ovary that is stuck to the top of my uterus and it was covered!  There are 8 follicles on it!  As exciting as that is, my Dr. reminded me that it is not a good thing that the ovary is stuck to the very end of my uterus.  He said he would have to make a uterus shishkabob in order to retrieve from it.  His concern is whether the needle will be able to reach the follicles to retrieve from them.  BUT, at least he is willing to try!!! :)  We go back to check on the growth of these follicles on Friday.  Hopefully things will continue to progress at a good rate and we will be looking at retrieval next week.  We should know more after Friday's appointment, but we might not know for certain until after our appointment on Monday.  I guess I don't know how this works because we have not been at this point before! I was SHOCKED that I got to start my Ganarelix today... last time I went to Sonogram #1 I didn't have enough growth to start that medicine.  I took it once or twice during that cycle before it was cancelled, but I didn't do the injection at the office like it was planned.  This time I got to do the shot at the office, so I feel like we are really making progress!!! :)

It is very strange, but I can feel the follicles.  They are so small, but they are noticable.  It is a feeling that I felt last time as well.  I was so relieved when I found out they were follicles instead of a huge cyst again!  Hopefully these follicles contain eggs... quality eggs!!!

I have no idea if acupuncture has been a factor in the growth of these follicles or not, but I definitely feel that it has helped to reduce my stress level and it has kept me much more calm than I was last cycle.  I am so excited to share my news with my doctor and find out what he suggests for continued treatment.  It amazes when I think of the ways that God has continued to bring the idea of acupuncture into my life.  I am so thankful that I made the call and started to see Dr. Kitzman.  It has been a wonderful experience.

In other news... my sister has a baby bump now!!! There is really a little lady in there!!!! :)  We had family pictures over the weekend and the little princess is finally showing herself!!! It's about time... she is due to arrive at the beginning of February (Feb. 5th I believe)!!

Also, my nephew Rylan was born on the 13th!!!  He joined the awesome people who have birthdays/anniversaries on the 13th!! It is an elite group!! ;)  Hopefully we will get a chance to meet him soon!! :)  (And to see Braden and Kate!)

It is an exciting time for Aunt Julie and Uncle Mike!!!

Thank you for your continued support and prayers!!! I am so thankful for my team of supporters!  This process is not easy physically, mentally, or emotionally.  I couldn't do this without you!!!

I better get to sleep.  I have 2 shots to do in the morning!

Housekeeping

The last couple days I feared that housekeeping was going to walk into our hotel room and think we had some kind of crack house set up in there! Joking... kind of!!! But, the truth is that we had a lot of vials of medication and needles that we were contending with as we celebrated an exciting weekend at the Queen/Manker wedding!!  Housekeeping knocked on the door many times to check on us and make sure that we didn't need anything.  I was so thankful that we were in the room each time so that they didn't freak out at the sight of all of the meds!! ;)  I was also thankful when we packed everything back up and headed home without any incidents!!! :)

Yesterday we woke up at 6:45 to complete the 7:00 injection.  It was surprising, but we were kind of stumbling to get it right... how could we forget how to give the Folistem injection?!?!?  We did that one SOOOO frequently last time!  But, we did... which I think is a sign that someday this whole process will just be a distant memory and we will live normal lives that don't include getting up early for injections when we could sleep in, leaving events to go do an injection, or not going to events because leaving to do an injection just seems like a pain (hence the situation tonight!).  

Yesterday I realized that boys have it SOOOO easy on a wedding day!  Being the wife of the Best Man was AMAZING!!!! Absolutely AMAZING!!!! Even though we woke up early for the injection I  took at nap from 9 - 11 and I LOVED it!!!!!! Then lunch and a couple errands.  I took my time lounging and getting ready as I felt like it.  Had time to stop at Maurice's... Yes!!! AMAZING!!! AMAZING!!! AMAZING!! I couldn't believe that it was a typical day for the males in a wedding! WHAT!!! 

The ceremony was beautiful, the outdoor fall setting was perfect, and I was so happy to be there celebrating with good people who have been together for 10 years and now are officially married!!!  As the reception started the speeches were great, the food was delicious, and then it was time to zoom over to the hotel and make our first attempt at the Menapur mixing!  Let's just say that it didn't go as well as we had hoped.  We aren't really certain why, but our mixture wasn't quite right and we are determined to get it right tonight!!! We had to use something called a "Q-Cap" because it is what they sent us in the last med shipment. Tonight I am going to try something a little different because the "Q-Cap" is not working out.  It is causing some sort of vacuum that seemed to short us medication, but we know we started out with the right amount of saline.  So, we have some needles left from the meds I reacted to, so we will try those and hope things go better!  We were also late with the injection, so we will move it up 10 minutes a night until we are back on track.  Thankfully it was the first night, so it shouldn't be a big deal.  We talked to the nurses during the last cycle and they said we 10-12 minutes difference each night was perfectly acceptable.  

This morning the injection went very well except for the fact that I was SOOO exhausted!!! So exhausted!!  

I am getting ready to mix tonight's Menapur injection.  I am a little nervous, but I am certain that without the "Q-Cap" I will get it right! :)  

Though these injections are a pain... sometimes literally... I must say that it seems like a small price to pay for the opportunity to grow our family!  What a blessing and a miracle it is that these injections might be the answer we need! 

Thank you for your continued thoughts and prayers! 

Baseline Ultrasound

Yesterday we took a trip to Peoria... it was such a rainy, gloomy day.  At times I couldn't see anything in front of us while I drove.  We got to Methodist and there was a break in the rain that lasted long enough for us to make it inside.  YAY!!! :) Our appointment was for a baseline ultrasound.  My previous baseline ultrasound occured after I had already started injections, so I wasn't sure what to think about this appointment.  The doctor came in, did his business with the ultrasound wand, told me the first ovary looked good, and that the second ovary looked GOOD!!! WHAT??!?!?!? Then he said I had no cysts... WHAT?!?!?! When he left the room (2 minutes total face time) Mike and I looked at each other and said, "Looks good?!? Do you think he even looked at the right things?"  See, we have NEVER heard that both ovaries look good.  And we have never heard that I had no cysts!  The best that I have heard is that cysts were getting smaller.  So, obviously I did the only thing that makes sense... I said, "It must be the acupuncture!!!"  I realize that not everyone believes in the healing qualities of acupuncture, but I feel like it has been worth the long drives and the late nights from traveling up to Bettendorf for treatments (and worth the money... but at this point the costs of treatments are just a major thorn in my side... they keep racking up and I just keep writing checks, handing out my credit card, and hoping that some day this is all worth it!!!) So... though I will never truly know what made the difference I will not regret my decision to try acupuncture!  I have been thinking about it for years and I am thankful to the Lafever/Coulter family for encouraging me to try it!! :)  

So, next steps... Friday morning I will start injections.  Friday night at the Queen/Manker reception I will get to mix and inject a new medication for the first time.  YIKES!!!! Nothing like trying a new medication in a public place.  Mike said he thinks our hotel is very close to the reception site, so hopefully we will just run over there and take care of business.  The process of mixing the meds has me slightly freaked out, but I know I can do it! I might panic or cry, but I know I can do it!!! ;) 

I have an accupuncture appointment scheduled for Monday, but I think I should probably check with my doctor to see if he approves that type of treatment while under his care and giving myself injections morning and night.  Then, the following Wednesday when I will go in for my next ultrasound.  They will look for follicle growth at that point.  Hopefully the change in protocol will be just what I need to have a better outcome this time around!!  They will determine if it is the appropriate time for me to add a third medication to my protocol.  Last time they decided to have me wait a day before starting it.  I then have an appt. scheduled on Friday to check the progress that my follicles are making.  (This is where we were when everything was cancelled last time.)  If all looks well I will have another appointment on Monday the 27th and our target retrieval date is the 29th.  Then the next day they would inform us of how the retrieval went and then they would keep updated about the process from that point on.  

I am very glad that we are getting closer to injections.  Though we have been "in cycle" from the point that we started birth control again it didn't feel like it.  Once I start injections that is when I feel like we are actively working toward this goal!  

As we get closer to injections I feel like I am a lot calmer than I was last time.  I think it is because I kind of know what to expect.  Yes I am freaking out a bit about the new medication and mixing it correctly (1 cc of saline to 4 vials of the powder... I really don't want to mess it up considering the extreme expense of those vials!!!!), but I am not freaked out about the process itself at this point.  If I allow myself to think about the progesterone issue I get nervous that I will have a reaction again (understandable considering I haven't completely recovered from my first reaction).  But, overall, I feel that my prayers for peace with this process have really been answered.  I know that I have done absolutely everything I can to prepare myself for this cycle and there is nothing else I can do.  This is in God's hands now.  

So, when I pack for the wedding Wednesday night I will pack my injection bag and pull out my travel cooler for the meds that need refrigerated and hope for the best!  The fact that this isn't the first wedding reception we have had to do an injection during makes this a little less scary, but not much!! ;)  

I will keep the blog updated as we move forward.  Hopefully I will be posting soon that I feel like my ovaries are huge... and hopefully they will be huge with follicles this time instead of cysts!  

Time to watch Chicago Fire on DVR!!!! And, then time for bed!!!! Goodnight!!!