Almost Christmas Eve

Tonight I was on the couch catching up on some DVR'd shows, excited about the fact that tomorrow will be my first nonalarm morning.  I was super excited!!! SUPER EXCITED!!!! Then suddenly I shot up off the couch and thought, "WAIT... tomorrow is Christmas Eve!"  Yep... I forgot for a moment that tomorrow morning is the start of my injections.  I have been thinking about the Christmas Eve morning injection everyday and I thought about it a couple hours ago, but as I lounged on the couch tonight all was right in the world and I had forgotten about this journey.  The sudden realization that I had forgotten was startling!  Really, it was.  So, now I think I am going to head to bed so that my brain is clear in the morning when I am trying to figure out exactly what I need to do for this new medicine.

Earlier tonight, when we were talking about my morning injection (see... I am not completely crazy, I remembered it earlier tonight!!!)  Mike asked if it was the "pen" medication.  I explained to him that all the medicines are different this time and that I don't really know what to expect.  I think that is what has me so tense right now.  The unknown.  But, I went for my weekly acupuncture appointment today and I was reminded of the relaxation techiniques that I should use when feeling stressed.  So, I am going to attempt to go upstairs, relax, and get some sleep before we take the next steps in the journey tomorrow!  

Attempt number 4 starts tomorrow!  4th times a charm?!?!?  Surely that is a saying somewhere, right???  

As always, we appreciate your support of our journey.  We hope you have a very Merry Christmas!  And I hope that the new year brings me a renewed sense of hope and rejuvinates my spirit!  Yesterday a dear friend treated me to a psychic reading.  I know, I know, controversial... I honestly don't care to hear the judgement of people over my choice to join a couple of wonderful friends and seeing a psychic... I know that it isn't for everyone, but it was a great day with great friends!  I won't share everything that was said, but I will say my experience was completely different than I had expected.  I actually think I walked in there looking for an easy out in some areas of my life.   Lately I have tried so hard to be positive about this infertility journey that I have let other areas of my life take the brunt of all of my negative feelings... do they call that displace anger?!?!  Well, my reading yesterday opened my eyes to the displaced emotions... maybe not initially... initially I was just taking in all of the information and thinking about everything that was presented to me.  It was actually pretty amazing and I don't regret it one bit.  Then, at my acupuncture appointment my doctor also pointed out a few things and challenged me to reflect on "perspective".  He also challenged me by saying that there are many things I can do in life, but they would be an easy out and in the end I would not be happy.  I told him that his words were just what I had heard the day before and he said that he doesn't believe in coincidence and therefore the words must be exactly what I need to hear.  Lately I have felt that I have stopped making a difference in the lives of others.  I have really doubted my purpose and have struggled to recognize my "place" in this world.  I think a lot of this stemmed from the fear of what life will look like if we are unable to have children and the thought of what that life would look like for me.  I have been living in fear of the future and therefore really ceasing to exist at all.  Today, I had more time to reflect as I made the trip home from my appointment in LaClaire.  I was reflecting, so I wasn't thinking about the "scary, terrifying future" and it was a nice change!  I was thinking about everything that was said yesterday and what my doctor said today.  I was thinking about what friends of mine have said recently and about my recent lack of connection with the world.  The main thing that I took away with me yesterday was that my emotional state is a complete and total mess, but my logical side has kept me from tending to those emotional needs.  My logical side is what keeps me from facing how I really feel and it is what pushes me to keep going when I really need to just feel broken for a while.  It makes me feel guilty for any feelings that aren't positive on this journey.  It pushes me to say yes to all the requests of others to keep myself busy.  My emotional side and my logical side are battling recently and boy oh boy has it messed me up!!! You see, my doctor pointed out today that the "logical" side of a person can be completely illogical.  He said that illogical logic is one of the major problems of our world.  So, I guess I need to "deal" with my emotions before more problems occur.  As I drove home today I realized that all of those displaced emotions have built and festered.  Then, when I checked Facebook this afternoon I saw that Bobbie Thomas from the Today Show had made an update on her website regarding her infertility journey.  She pointed out all of the not so wonderful parts of the journey that make a person want to give up.  That made me realize that even though I have created this blog and opened up about this journey, I have also been kidding myself by suppressing my pain and fears and pawning those feelings off on other areas of my life.  YIKES!! What an unpleasant realization!  I have prayed for intercession in this infertility journey, but I have neglected so many other facets of my life and it shows (Maybe not to people on the outside, but WOWWIE have I realized it over the last couple days... LOUD and CLEAR!!!).  As 2014 wraps up and we move toward 2015 it seems to be a good time to make some decisions about the future.  It is as good of time as any to reevaluate and reinvest in myself.  After all, if Mike and I are going to try to bring a little one into this world, our kiddo is going to need a momma who is stable and not a momma with repressed feelings!!! :)

Thank you for continuing to follow our journey and for your continued prayers and support!

Merry Christmas and may 2015 bring you good health and great happiness!  And may 2015 bring us a baby so that I can blow up this blog with a gazillion adorable pictures!!!! ;)
YIKES!!! It's almost Christmas Eve!! I better get to sleep before it is time for my injection!!!!! Goodnight!!

(Wow!! This post quickly changed before my eyes... it started off as a generic update about my shot tomorrow and then I kind of had a verbal spew! Thanks for hanging in there through the good times and the tough ones too!!!)