Negative

I made a post two days ago, but I did not mention it on Facebook.  I wrote it because I wanted to remember what was happening during a very scary time, but I didn't mention it because I wasn't ready to face what was happening publicly.  The weekend is such a scary, lonely time when you are facing unknown circumstances.  Saturday night I consulted the internet because I had very ymild spotting occuring.  The internet stated that it was likely implantation bleeding and that it was completely normal.  My concerns did not completely go away. The cramps that I had were very intense and something just didn't seem right.  I continued my self inflicted bed rest and hoped and prayed for the best.  By Sunday afternoon the cramping was terrible and the bleeding intensified.  I knew something was very wrong.  I left a message for the doctor's office to call me first thing in the morning.  When the nurse called me she asked if I was still having spotting.  I told her that how much the bleeding had intensified and she said that my body was not responding to the progesterone gel, but it was too late to save this by switching progesterone.  She said that she wanted to move up my blood work so that it was completed Tuesday (today) instead of Wednesday.  Throughout the day yesterday the bleeding intensified.  I wanted to believe that it was possible that I had only lost one embryo, but logically I knew that there was no way an embryo could survive the bleeding that was happening.  I thought back to the conversation I had while placing the progesterone order... the fact that insurance would not cover the cottonseed oil/progesterone compound and therefore we would need to use the progesterone gel instead.  I questioned it.  I tried to fight it.  The pharmacy called multiple times to check with the insurance company.  They would not budge.  I gave in.  Looking back I shouldn't have given in, but how was I to know that this would happen.  They told me that the gel was seen as just as effective as the injections.... but then I think back to the first day that the meds were explained to us (months ago) when they said, "If bleeding occurs you will be switched to injections."  and I think again that I should not have given in.
To add insult to injury the nurse said that our out of pocket total for the gel was probably more than we would have paid for the injections.  She said the gel is ridiculously expensive. Which leads to the question, "Why the heck wouldn't the insurance company let us get the injections in the first place!??!?!"  The nurse said that she will have the doctor write a letter to the insurance company stating that the cottonseed/progesterone compound is a medical necessity for me.  I hope they listen.  If not we will find a way to make it happen!

Today I went for the blood test.  This afternoon the nurse called to tell me that the test came back negative.  She said that the next cycle will not be until January.  They need us to decide if we will move forward with a fresh cycle or a frozen cycle.  We need to determine whether we will trust my natural cycle to be regular or whether we will start controlling it now.  But all I could think of as she talked was that, most of all, I just need to take a while to be sad and to heal.  The emotional pain and the physical pain are overwhelming.  It never ceases to amaze me that things are so matter of fact when the call comes.  I realize that it is necessary, but it is still hard to accept.  So much hope is crushed with that phone call. And then immediately we begin planning toward the next cycle that we are supposed to be hopeful about.  It seems so cold... but I know that it is necessary.

Thank you for all of your support throughout this process.  Thank you for the thoughts and prayers.  Thank you to those of you who got to experience my breakdowns yesterday.  I was proud that there were only three of them at school and that I was able to make it into a room each time so that one person had to deal with it, not a whole school building.  Every ounce of me wanted to stay home with my feet up until I heard from the doctor and walking through those doors felt like torture, but I did it and I was so proud of myself when I walked out of that building at 5 p.m.  I made it.  Not only did I make it, but not a single child saw a tear nor had a clue that I was dying inside.  Today I dreaded going for the blood work.  I pushed the snooze 3 times... not because I was tired and wanted to go back to sleep, but because I was avoiding the inevitable.  I walked into the school today feeling completely numb and I dreaded the phone call that would come to me later.  I put a smile on my face and taught my lessons.  I finished up the totals for the pie fundraiser.  I put away the new books from my grant.  I went about the day with the strangest sensation of total numbness.  I guess it is the best I can do right now.  I just can't feel excited for the next step yet.  I can't look at the "progress" we made in the process and see it as a success.  I can't find joy in the fact that we came one step closer.  I just don't have it in me.  So, I will continue to smile until the numbness is gone.  And then I will face whatever comes after that.

Thank you again for supporting us through this journey with your thoughts and prayers.  We are so grateful for all of you.