New Year's Eve

I didn't get a chance to give an update after Monday's appointment because I went on a little shopping adventure with my mom afterward.  Mike's Christmas gift to me was a list of things he has heard me mention that I need over the course of the last year that he didn't feel comfortable picking out for me and money to pick the things out myself.  It was a great gift because I totally understand why he would not want to try to pick things out for me and it was obvious that he was paying attention... there were even things I had forgotten that I needed on the list!  Unfortunately I didn't find anything on the trip, EXCEPT for two amazingly comfy blankets and a few of the essentials that I have put off (seriously... why do razor blades cost SOOO much?!?!?).  The theory behind the blankets was that they would help to cure the insomnia that has been occuring in my house.  Yes, sadly I am not the only one have issues with insomnia.  Actually, Mike doesn't have insomnia... he is just sleeping when most people are awake and awake when most people are asleep.  I still feel badly for him that his sleep is a mess, so I stocked up on lots of nuts, dairy, lettuce, cherry juice, and other things that were on the list of food items that will help you sleep AND I got new cozy blankets!!! :)

So, the appointment:  I took in the extra meds progesterone oil and gel that were sitting around the house to donate.  I am definitely not using either of those meds again, so someone else might as well benefit from them.  They are expensive and they shouldn't just expire at our house!  Then I was told to head back to the ultrasound room and "get myself ready" while they finish up with another patient. The strange thing was that I never saw nor heard the other patient.  Super weird.  Anyway... The internal sonogram went exactly the way I had hoped. My uterus looked good and I had no cycts.  I am in the menopausal state that they want me in and I am just supposed to continue my current protocol until January 3rd.  At that point I will begin the Vivelle Dots (estrogen patches).  I will go back to see them on January 12th to see if my lining is responding properly to the meds.  If things look good we will go to Rockford on January 19th for a January 20th implantation.  If not, I will have to go back later that week and things will be pushed back if necessary.  Then, the doctor said I had to fill out paperwork and make some decisions.  I totally wasn't expecting that!!! Of course we would need to make decisions at the only appointment that Mike was unable to attend!!!! Murphy's law!! The decisions I had to make were regarding thawing our embryos and though I was stressed that Mike wasn't there during this big decision I also felt certain that I was making the decision that we would have made together.  So, we are thawing vial 1 which has a 7 cell - B and a 4 cell - C.  If both of those embryos survive the thaw we will implant both.  If one does not make it we will thaw vial 3 which contains a 9 cell - B.  We did not talk about what we would do if neither embryo from vial 1 makes the thaw, but I am assuming that we would then thaw vial 2 and follow the same plan with those embryos.  I decided that we would not thaw all of the embryos and culture them until Day 5 due to something that I was told by a nurse months ago when we were still with the other facility.  She said that some embryos that would not survive in the petri dish are able to thrive in the natural setting of it's mother's uterus.  So, knowing that, I just think it will be best if we give our babies a chance to be fighters... Those C embryos need the opportunity to thrive and beat the odds so that I can continue to advocate that they should not be disposed of!!! (If you are someone who has had to make the choice to discard C embryos please do not see this as a judgement of you.  After hearing the story of my friend's Grade C embryos taking and becoming such AMAZING human beings it is simply a stance I feel that I have to take.  I understand that everyone has to make their own decisions and that money is a huge factor in this process as well (freezing embryos, embryo storage, and thawing embryos are not covered by any insurance companies, so the decision to freeze embryos can be an expensive decision.)  So, that was my decision and when I called Mike to reassure myself that I did the right thing he didn't answer because he was busy at work... SO, that quickly became OUR decision! HAHA!! ;)  When I talked to him that evening he assured me that I did exactly what I should have.  Then the lady told me that Mike HAD to be at the next appointment so that she could witness him signing the paperwork or we could not move forward... At this point I can only laugh because I had told him that I knew he was busy with work and that I would be okay to go on my own and then shop with my mom... Of ALL DAYS!! HAHAH!! Oops!!! At least we have a second chance on the 12th to get all of this done!!!

Back to the blanket... i.e. My proposed cure to my insomnia!!!! The first night with the new blanket I feel asleep RIGHT AWAY!!! Victory!! Then, I woke up completely refreshed TWENTY MINUTES LATER!!! Yep, 20 minutes later... GRR!!!! I continued to sleep in short incriments like that throughout the night.  Then, I was super grogy for my injections and ended up giving it to myself in an area I had an allergic reaction last week.  :(  It hurt and it bled... but I can't use bandaids!!! UGH!!! I used gauze and paper tape to solve the problem and I pouted!!! Yep, I pouted because I was frustrated!  Then, I went back up and cuddled in my new blanket for 20 minutes before I realized that I was NOT going to fall back to sleep.  FAIL!!! ;)

Last night I did not get to bed very early, but the new blanket was fabulous and I was able to sleep for nearly 5 consecutive hours before my shot!!! WOOHOO!!! That used to be enough to make me feel extremely refreshed, but these meds are making me a little (okay, a lot!!!) more sleep dependent, so I am going to have to start getting to bed earlier in order to not live in a fog!!  This mornings injection was textbook!!! I honestly finished it and thought, "Wow!! That is exactly how I wish that every morning went!!"  It doesn't appear that it is going to bruise, I didn't have to battle with the gauze and paper tape, I didn't have any pouting afterwards!!!! WOOHOO!!! In celebration I cut up some french bread, buttered it up, threw some cinnamon and sugar on it, and popped it in the oven! DELICIOUS!!!!

As I sit here enjoying my delicious breakfast I can't help but reflect on 2014.  What. A. Year.  I had extremely high hopes for this year and maybe that is why it has been such a bummer.  So, for the year 2015 I am not going to set myself up for failure by telling myself that THIS is going to be our year... I am sure that sounds negative to many of you, but for my supporters who have experienced infertility I know that you understand (and I am sure that many of you who haven't experienced infertility can relate as well!).  You put so much pressure on yourself and you build up SOOOO much hope that you fall into such a deep, deep low when things are not successful! It only makes it worse that whenever you meet someone it is a natural ice breaker for people to ask if we have children.  It is so crazy that such a simple question can be so painful AND can make you feel less.  Especially when I just respond with a no and the person then tells me all of the reasons why I should definitely have kiddos now and why it is so rewarding and fabulous.  Knife. To. The. Heart.  Or, the holiday gatherings in which you are around mixed company, some people that know me and know my story and others who have no idea that they are going to make me want to crawl in a hole and not resurface EVER.  The people who know that I just need to RELAX and a family will come or who just won't give up their argument that we will never be READY for kids and that if we wait until we are ready it will never happen.  WOW!  I had forgotten how hard the holiday season is.  The times when you are truly happy to see the joy in the children of your friends and family, yet you feel the hole in your heart ripping wider and wider!  One small thing that helped me this week was that I looked back at some "older" posts from some infertility blogs that I follow.  The blogs are of people who have been successful and therefore they are SUPER positive.  I often beat myself up for my feelings due to their positive outlooks, but I follow them in order to remind myself that miracles DO happen.  As I was looking through the older posts I found some entries from the holiday before these people found out they were expecting... all I could think was SEE... you were once human, too!!!! Once upon a time you also felt like there was a giant hole in your heart.  You once dreaded events because by not talking about infertility you were ignoring the subject that has become the overwhelmingly most important aspect of your life, but by talking about it you were boring people and completely putting a damper on the festivities!  Once upon a time, you were me!!! It was such a freeing moment and a sad moment.  As I read about the feelings that these people had and the number of times they talked about breaking down and crying freqently I noticed that there are many things that I am honest about in this blog that don't carry over into honesty in my life!  I also felt sad because it was obvious that their whole lives centered around their journeys and boy oh boy do I know how hard that is.  It was also sad because I had convinced myself that if I tried harder I could be even more positive like they were... and then I realized that the positivity came AFTER the success!  What a slap to the face!! Now I know that this has not been the most uplifting blog recently and that there were definitely times in which I was more positive about the journey, but the realization that their positivity came later made me reflect a bit.  I don't think that Mike is a follower of my blog.  I am actually not certain whether he has read a single entry, therefore I don't know if he realizes how many really down days I have had over the last several months. Why?  Well because I don't want my sadness to be the center of our relationship.  People that I work with, but who do not know about my blog have asked others how I am doing because they couldn't tell whether the cycle was successful because I "just keep smiling"... Why?  Well, because in real life it is too hard to actually face my feelings.  And, though people have been EXTREMELY supportive, I realize that nobody wants to be around a person who is constantly acting as if the world has ended.  But, as many of you who read my blog regularly realize, that is how I have felt a LOT recently!  And, I have felt really guilty about it.  I have even thought about changing the tone of my blog into one that reads like sunshine and rainbows, BUT I then asked myself who that would help?!?! Would it help the people who are reading this as they begin this journey themselves?  No, it will make them question why they feel so bad and it will make them feel like less of a person... I know because I have felt that way when reading blogs.  Would it help people who are reading this to send support and prayers my way? No, because they wouldn't know how to best lift me up with support and prayers.  Would it help me?  This one is a maybe... if I lie to myself enough and tell myself that I am fine I might actually start to believe that I am fine.  That is how I make it through each day... BUT, how healthy is that really?  So, with that in mind I have determined that I will continue to just be honest in this blog.  And, I will likely just keep smiling in real life!  Why? Well, it has got me to this point! ;)  I also feel that it is important to continue to share in this way because it shows the ups and the downs AND it shows how simple things can cause an "up" in the journey.  Yesterday was a rough day, but today is good because I slept 5 hours and my shot went well!  That is how this journey goes.  You take the good with the bad and you keep moving forward.  I am not exactly sure what our plans are for the evening, but that is okay.  Why? Well for many reasons, but one of those reasons is that we don't have children and therefore we don't need to worry about setting plans and finding a babysitter.  (Let's be honest... this is probably a stretch in the hunt for positives, but hey I am trying!!)  I also think that the honesty prepares people for what they "might" face if they find themselves in this journey.  I list the meds and the procedures and I talk about them scientifically as well as how they effect me emotionally and physically.  I talk a lot about the process and what to expect of that portion of the journey, along with how that has gone for me!

As we enter a new year and many of us reflect on where we are in life and how we feel about that I hope that this story encourages you to make steps to change the things that you can in life and to feel okay with your feelings about the things you can't change.  I think that will be my goal for 2015... make the changes I can and accept my feelings about the things that I can't.  I also will continue to work toward trusting my instincts about things.  If there is one thing I might change about this blog it will be to include more about trusting your instincts and not letting the thoughts of others guide your decisions.  I will never be able to go back to when I first thought I might have endometriosis and start treatments at that point.  BUT, I can advocate for others who feel that their instincts are telling them that something is wrong.  I can encourage others to make their instincts a priority.  I can listen to my inner voice and use it to take better care of myself.  I can respect myself enough to trust in how I am feeling.  What is the worst that can happen?!?!? The doctor says that everythign is fine??  Or if it is something that is not health related you just might find that whatever your instincts told you didn't quite work out.. and that is okay!  At least you tried!! You make a move and realize that it wasn't exactly what you expected.  Oh well, try again!!! Life is too short, yet too long, to be miserable!! I have been telling myself that for a long time and I really think it is true!!

I hope that 2015 brings you excellent health and great joy!  No matter what you are going through, just know that you do not have to feel alone.  There are so many wonderful people out there who will offer you support and who will pick you up when you can't pick yourself up.  Thank you for continuing to follow our journey.  Thank you for your support and prayers.  Happy New Year!