Step by Step

Step by step, day by day... That is how I am moving forward right now.  I don't really have words to describe the last few weeks.  I have gone through a long list of emotions and some days have been easier than others.  Though I thought that time at home would be the hardest it was actually time at school that stung the most.  Pushing through each day with a smile on my face all day long was more difficult than I thought it would be.  I am so thankful to the many friends who comforted me as I snuck into their rooms and had a meltdown.  Thankfully I avoided creating a scene in public!

I determined that the only way to feel better about what was happening was to start making steps forward.  Since we will not have an opportunity to move forward with our reproductive endocrinologist until sometime in January I decided to start going for acupuncture treatments again.  I braved the snow last Monday to make it to an appointment in LaClaire, IA.  My doctor had to do a "reset" like he did during my first visit.  He said that my body had been through a lot since I last saw him and the graphs indicated that a reset was necessary.  I will go back tomorrow to see him and hopefully we will work towards getting my hormones leveled out again!! :)  I truly feel that acupuncture helped prepare my body for our egg retrieval and I hope it will prepare it for the Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET), as well.

Over the last few weeks I have heard a lot of advice.  Most people have told me to keep my head up and wait for God's plan.  Some have told me that I have put myself through a lot and that I should consider what I am doing to my body to try to have children.  Several have told me to take as much time as I need to grieve the loss of our embryos and to move forward only when I am ready.  I appreciate that people care enough to be invested in this journey and I recognize that every piece of advice is given from the heart.  The last few days I have been researching about how to mentally prepare yourself for living life without children after facing infertility.  Basically I have read that there is a grieving process and that each person deals differently, but inevitably a couple must reevaluate their life and determine what life will look like and how priorities will shift.  The funny thing is that if things do not work out I have NO idea what I will do.  Absolutely no idea.  For years I said that I didn't know if I wanted children because it was easier than discussing our infertility, but the truth is that I have never considered a life without children.  I know that they say that it is important to remain positive as we move forward, but I am just not ready to start being hopeful for something that seems so far from reality.  As we celebrated Christmas with the McVey family and I watched my neice and nephews open their gifts (okay... just one nephew... the other one is way to small to open gifts!!) I realized just how hard it will be to accept the fact that without children holidays will look a lot different.  Yes, we will spend the holidays with nieces and nephews at the Cahill house and the McVey house, but that somehow that just doesn't seem the same.  I realized that over the last several years I have only decorated our home one time.  It just seems silly to decorate for just us.
Okay... enough of that!  Maybe this year I need to decorate.  I used to love decorating for Christmas!  I used to decorate my bedroom with tons of Boyd's Christmas stuff and I LOVED it!! Maybe I need to figure out who I have become over the last several years and what is important to me.  I know this journey has changed me.  I know my hobbies are hobbies that I started with the idea that they would be helpful when we had children.  So, I need to think about what I would like to do for me and for my relationship with Mike.
Last night a woman stopped me at the wedding and told me that her heart hurts for us.  I love this lady, but I had no idea that she knew about our journey, so it caught me off guard.  She told me that having your own children is the biggest blessing that a person can ever have.  She hugged me and kissed me on the check and told me that she would continue to pray for us that we will experience that someday.  With tears running down my face I thanked her and hugged her back.  Those tears reminded me that though I wear a brave face everyday there is still pain and also that much to my disappointment, I am still human. (For the record, I successfully navigated inquiries from others without breaking down!! I really did!  This just took me by surprise.)  The woman apologized repeatedly for bringing it up on a night of celebration.  I simply hugged her and whispered, "Let's be honest, it's not like it wasn't on my mind anyway."  She hugged me back and said that she was certain that it was on my mind every day.  And, that is true.  She was absolutely right! Though Mike is able to look at this journey and accept that it is not our time yet, I think about it everyday.  I think of all the what ifs.  I second guess every decision.  I wonder what I can do to better prepare my body for each procedure.  The list goes on and on.
As the holiday season continues I am thankful for such wonderful people in my life.  I am thankful for my loving husband... who, for the record, was a dancing machine at the wedding last night!!! YES! Mike was dancing away the evening with me and it was wonderful!!! :)  I am thankful for our families who love and support us.  I am thankful for our friends who have been such wonderful supporters throughout all of lifes trials and triumphs.  And most of all, I am thankful to know that God has a plan for us that is greater than any plan I could dream of creating for myself.  It is not always easy for me to be patient, but I am trying!
Since Thanksgiving Day (The Christmas celebration for the McVey family), I have been reflecting on the journey we have been on and worrying about what the future might bring.  But, I need to remember that worrying  is not for me to do.  God will take care of everything.  I just need to be patient.
I am looking forward to my acupuncture session tomorrow.  I like that it helps me to control my stress.  I will also be going back to work and I will continue to move forward step by step and day by day. I will continue to look for signs of what I am supposed to learn from this journey, but I will try not to dwell on the outcome.  I will celebrate in the joy and excitement of our friends and family.  I will attempt to determine what will bring me joy and happiness in my life.  (I don't think obsessively watching Hallmark Christmas movies is an acceptable answer!)

Thank you for continuing to support our journey and for recognizing that no part of infertility is full of sunshine and rainbows even if I typically try to look for a silver lining!
I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving!!

P.S.  Speaking of silver linings... I am not sure if this could be considered a silver lining or not considering the length of time that has passed, but my previous Reproductive Endocrinologist, Dr. Horowitz, has accepted a position in West Virginia and has therefore left the Sher Institute.  Though I have always assumed that we would have been pregnant a long time ago if we would have been able to stay with them, this could be the answer to "why" things have happened the way they have up to this point.  Maybe, just maybe, we would have been in the middle of treatments still and we would have been faced with this news.  Maybe this is why we faced so many challenges this summer.  Okay... that is as positive as I can be! HAHA!! ;)