Cancelled

I wish I had better news about today's appointment in Iowa City, but I don't.  I wasn't even aware that cancellation was a possibility at a baseline ultrasound appointment.  But, apparently my body has found a new way to be an obnoxious mess!

When we got to the University of Iowa today we were immediately taken back for our baseline ultrasound.  I told the the wonderful ultrasound lady that once again I had bleeding and cramping even though I had been taking the pill every night.  She said that many people have that and said not to worry, but to definitely tell the nurses when they take me to the exam room.  During the ultrasound she told me that my lining had a "menstrual" look to it.  She measured all kinds of things, but my eye was drawn to a couple "dark blobs" that she was measuring.  I have had this done enough times to know that at this stage I should not have blobs like that.  But, I also knew enough to know that if I asked what they were she wouldn't be able to tell me.  When we got to the waiting room to wait for the nurse to call us back I said, "Mike, I want to know what those black blobs were."  He never knows what to look for in the ultrasound images so he had no idea what I was talking about, but assured me that they would let us know.

The nurse called us back to the exam room and "cleaned up my chart" while she waited on word from the doctors.  She called back to confirm with them that what they had found were two large follicles.  Large follicles are not good at this point.  They mean that the birth control did not shut everything down.  They mean that my body was not responding the way it should have to the hormones.  They meant that things were possibly going to be set back.  The nurse told us that the doctor had ordered an estrodial blood test to determine if my estrogen levels were higher than they should be. She said that it was possible that I would need to remain on the birth control longer and that our cycle would be pushed back a bit. She sent us to the labratory and told us that she would call my cell phone in about an hour and fifteen minutes to let us know to come back for the results.

We went to the cafeteria, we wandered around the hospital, we realized that we had no idea what to do for that amount of time.  But, we were thankful that they were looking deeper into the situation.

Right when she said she would, our lovely nurse called and said that my estrogen levels were high and asked us to meet her in waiting room 3.  We got back there and waited.  She came and said that she was waiting on the doctors.  Mike was in the restroom when she came back and got me to go into a consultation room.  She walked in with me and said, "The doctors determined that this cycle has to be cancelled." She left the room to get some more information and I stood in shock.  I was not expecting that.  I text Mike to tell him where I was and he joined me in the room.  I explained what was happening.  He asked what my levels were and I told him that I hadn't even thought to ask at the time.  He told me that this could be a good thing... I just stared at him. 

The nurse came back and sat down with us.  She was very kind and explained that my two large follicles were creating too much estrogen to move forward.  I asked about my estrogen levels and she said that mine was 209 and it had to be below 90 to proceed.  YIKES!! She told me to stop taking the pill right away and to let them know when I truly start my period.  She explained that the doctors would discuss my case at a team meeting and that they would mail me a letter with their next steps. She said that in the mean time we could try naturally.  She saw the look on my face and said, "I know the odds don't look good, but you do have the two big follicles."  I responded with saying that I just didn't understand how any of this could work if I was going off the pill and starting my cycle.  She agreed that the chances were very slim, but encouraged us to try anyway.  Afterall, we will not be in another IVF cycle until February or March...

I asked the nurse if we could try Lupron to suppress the follicles and prepare my body.  She told me that with the small number of follicles that I have they would not want to risk suppression.  It was better to start fresh in another cycle.  I was so confused.  We had used Lupron in a similar situation before (in Rockford).  Did this mean that previously they were simply pushing us through even though my body was not ready?  Did it mean that those embryos didn't really have a chance because my hormones were off?  I was so upset, frustrated, confused.... Not with the University of Iowa, but because I knew what we had been through before and they were saying that those options were not options for us. 

We walked out of the University of Iowa in two completely different states of mind.  Mike was pumped!  He is so excited that they did not move forward.  He said that it showed that they were not just after our money and that they actually wanted to make sure that things were right before moving forward.  He didn't think that waiting was a big deal at all.  He said that it really made him feel good about our decision to go there.  He was impressed that I was able to discuss all of the medications by name with the nurse...  That I was asking lots of questions that made sense.  He said that none of this makes sense to him, but that he can tell that I really understand it and that he saw them taking my questions seriously. 

I, on the other hand, was extremely upset and frustrated.  I didn't say anything at the time, but I think it was because what Mike said was right... I DO get it.  I understand all of this and what is SUPPOSED to happen with my body when they give me various medications.  I understand my cycle and the various things that are happening to my body throughout it.  I know that I should not have two large follicles ready to ovulate on day 24 of my cycle... I ovulate on day 13 almost every cycle... if not it is a day early or a day late.  AND, I was on birth control so I shouldn't have ovulated in the first place.  None of my follicles should have matured.  They should have just stayed dormant.  None of this was making sense to me and I was not in the mood to hear anything that the rational part of my brain already knew.  OF COURSE they were doing the right thing by putting a stop to this cycle, but it wasn't what I wanted and most of all it just didn't seem fair!!! How did my body find yet another way to let me down?  One way that I didn't realize that this cycle could be cancelled and my body found it!  (Last night before we went to bed I had told Mike that I had a nervous feeling that didn't make any sense and it was finally crystal clear.  I could tell that something was wrong... the bleeding and cramping just didn't seem normal. I should have known!)

So while he was excited, I was very quiet.  And poor Mike was trying.  He really was.  He was trying to help me to see how great it was that they were taking a step back.  And I was getting more and more upset.  I was quiet on the way home.  I was quiet while we ate dinner. And Mike continued to try to help me see that this is all part of God's plan for us.  Finally, I told him that I know that it is true, but it isn't easy for me to accept right now.  I told him everything I was thinking.  I told him that he is right, that I do understand the images on the ultrasounds, the language that the doctors and nurses are using, the treatment protocols, and what my body is doing.  I understand it all and that is what makes it so hard.  I know what I am up against.  I know that my egg reserve is limited.  I know that we are battling a clock.  I know that it isn't going to happen over night, but that if this doesn't work in March then it will be June and then we will be looking at insurance renewal or change.  And then who knows if we would be able to proceed or if we would have to wait.  Then if we had to wait we would be looking at about a year from now... the doctor told us at the last appointment that he wasn't worried about 3 months, but a year or 18 months could be a different story as far as my eggs were concerned... So what would we do then?!?!?  All of this is on my mind every day because I understand what the consequences of cancelled and failed cycles are!

We had a good conversation and I told him that I really do understand that what they did today was absolutely the right thing.  I also told him that it just made me sad to know that we would be waiting and then continuing with trial and error until we can find something that works.  I absolutely understand that this is how it has to be, but I don't have to like it!

So, I agreed that it was okay for him to be happy with the outcome.  I told him that I can't help but be sad.  We agreed that it was easier to deal with today then it would have been to lose embryos a month from now.  He reminded me for the millionth time that this is all part of God's plan for us... he really does an amazing job of always keeping that in mind.  We agreed that though the reason isn't currently clear, all of this is happening for a reason.  He says that he truly believes that I am supposed to have this knowledge.  He believes that I am meant to help others by learning through our experiences.  And once again, I think he was right.  When I started this blog it was because I felt that I was truly called to share our story.  Since starting the blog I have received many messages letting me know that our story has helped other people facing similar struggles.  And to be honest, when I hear those things I am thankful for our trials and our journey.  So, I am giving myself permission to be mad and to pout... but I cannot remain stuck in this funk!  I have to start moving forward so that we are ready in February or March!

Thank you for continuing to follow our journey and for supporting us through the good, the bad, and my whiny!! Thank you for your thoughts and prayers and we continue forward. 

Today was definitely unexpected, but it is not the end of our journey! 

University of Iowa

Last night we drove to Iowa City when I got home from work. We checked into a hotel and immediately realized that we had made a mistake... Well, I had made a mistake.  I had selected a "pet friendly" hotel and we are both allergic to pets. Oops!!! Dogs barking and escalated allergies led to a horrible nights sleep. Then when I went to get into the shower I realized that I forgot my pants at home... Seriously!!!! How does one forget their pants.  The only pants I had were comfy black yoga capris that I changed into after school... But, they did the job! We left the hotel for the hospital and had quite a difficult time in the parking garage. We got to the area to check in and the lady helping us apologized for seeming scatterbrained, but admitted that she was distracted due to mysteriously asking for the afternoon off and having no idea why she had done so.  Then, we walked back to the waiting area and did not have a chance to have a seat... We were met by a medical assistant as soon as we got within the vicinity and taken to a room where she attempted to check my vitals, but the machine was acting crazy... But then, the craziness of the morning ended!

The medical assistant was fabulous. She checked with me to make sure that I was okay to try the vitals again... Which of course I was!  And before long the machine was working again.  She took us to consultation room 1 which turned out to be our home base for the next 5 hours.  She went over tons of information with us, asked us a lot of questions, and explained what would be happening that day.  She took the file I brought for them with all of my records and dropped it off for the doctors to go over and then she sent in the financial lady... Who was FABULOUS! She made jokes with Mike.  She explained everything that we would/could face financially, and she was just another bright spot in the day.  She left and the Med Assistant came back to take care of a few more things and then she led us to have the internal sonogram completed.  Not fun, but the lady was wonderful AND they gave me a REAL sheet to cover up with, not a paper sheet!!! Bonus!!  We chatted while she did her job... She is a mother of two daughters.  We talked books, we talked about her kiddos, she was personable and another bright spot in the day.

At this point, the first doctor (Dr. M) came in.  She immediately greeted us with a firm handshake and introduced herself.  She then looked over the sonogram results and they "talked shop". What's!?!?! We actually got to witness them acknowledging the mess that is my abdomen!! The sonographer told me that in order to limit my "naked time" they would complete another procedure while I was in there.  Sounded great to me and made me laugh!


The doctor finished her procedure and before long I was dressed and ready for our next step. At this point the med assistant came in again and talked through some paperwork until Dr. M came in.  At that point we went through the history of Team McVey.  It was a long conversation, but I was happy to hear that she had been reading up on my case with Dr. D while we were with the other people.  She discussed all of our options and said that Dr. D would be in to discuss our case as well.

Cue the medical assistant... A few final things... Then Dr. D came in and gave us his recommendations.  Mike should quit smoking, we should consider genetic counseling, and I should not starve myself... But should limit myself to 1,200 calories per day... At this point it was almost 2:00 and I had had nothing to eat.  I could have clawed out his eyes for suggesting that I limit my calories to 1,200 per day.  But, I didn't and both of us survived.  I could tell that he was working very hard to speak tactfully about his belief that losing weight would benefit IVF.  We discussed possibilities with him... What IVF could look like for us, fresh vs. Frozen cycle, etc... We felt confident that a fresh cycle was the way to go. He said he would send in Nurse A to go over scheduling.

Then the IVF nurse came in... She asked if we are really ready to get going.  We said absolutely. She said that we would start today! Yep... TODAY! She said that because I happen to be on day 3 of my cycle today it worked out that we could start today.  If I had been farther in my cycle we would have had to wait to meet gain until the end of January with an early March transfer... BUT, it worked out perfectly!!! ( See I said that the craziness had ended!! Things were turning around!) She went over the timeline and set up dates for us. She sent in prescriptions for us, and answered our questions.  We each took 4 antibiotic pills today to start our cycle and I started a birth control pill.  We set up our next appointment for next month and they sent us for Mike to do his part of the appointment! ;)

We walked out of the facility 5 hours after we walked in, ready to officially start an IVF cycle with a new facility!

What does that mean!?!?!? Well, honestly, they will not do a lot different than what we did last time.  They gave us the antibiotic, which was different.  They are limiting my calorie consumption, which is different... And sad! ;) And they are waiting to implant embryos until Day 5 after retrieval once the embryo has become a blastocyst... Which is probably the biggest difference.  I will post more about this at another time because we had a lot of discussion about this with both Dr. M and Dr. D.

Overall, we were very happy with today's visit.  We actually were a little alarmed that we did not feel that there was a single incompetent person that we came into contact with today... How was that possible!?!?!?! Hahaha!!

Tonight we took the first of our meds... We are officially in cycle! Hard to believe, but true.  Hopefully I will be able to write another blog post this weekend that dives a little deeper into the conversations we had with the doctors and the emotions of this decision.  For now we will be hopeful that this is the beginning of something amazing!!

Thank you for your continued support and prayers!! Though this has been a long road, in so many ways, this is just the beginning!  We can't thank you enough for all of your encouragement!

P.S. We are hoping that after retrieval we will be able to move our frozen embryo baby,  that is currently in Rockford,  to Iowa City to live with its frozen siblings! The doctor thought that it would be possible and we really don't want to leave him up there any longer than we need to... We don't know the sex of that embryo, but we have both called it a him all along, so it has to be true!;)

What a week...

What a week!! A lot of stressful things occurred, but luckily everything is okay!

Last Sunday night I was lounging on our couch and felt a little bit of discomfort in my left breast.  When I felt it to see what was going on I felt a large lump... the size of a bouncy ball.  I immediately freaked out because on August 18th I had felt that same thing and I thought that it was a fluke because I hadn't been able to find it again.  The fact that it was a month later and I could feel it made me realize that it hadn't gone away... I realized that every time I checked for it I was standing and both times that I felt it I had been lounging on the couch.  So, I spent the night freaking out and didn't get much sleep.  I called my gynocologists office first thing in the morning.  They asked me to come in that afternoon for an appointment.  They confirmed that I had a lump, told me that they hoped it was a cyst, and they scheduled a mammogram for Wednesday at the Komen Center in Peoria.  They were SO wonderful!! They were SO supportive!! They told me that I had done the right thing by calling right away! I felt nervous when I left, but they assured me that they would do everything necessary to assure that I was okay.

To say I was nervous is an understatement!  I couldn't believe that I had a bouncy ball sized lump and had only noticed it once before.  When I got to the Komen Center I was greeted by kind ladies.  There were so many people there of all different ages.  They gave me a little pager type thing and some paperwork to complete.  Then I waited.  When my buzzer went off I was greeted by a kind lady who I found out had been in the field for 30 years.  I can't even imagine how many mammograms she has completed in 30 years!!! She gave me a pink robe and pointed out the changing room and lockers for my things.  She then told me to take a seat in the interior waiting room until she came to get me.  Once she came to get me we went into the room with the machine that would complete my mammogram.  I was FREAKING out because so many people have told me that they are horrible.  A friend had told me that it wasn't horrible, only a little uncomfortable, but I couldn't help but recall the years and years of horrible things I had heard about them... Then we started the process and I realized that it wasn't bad at all.  Yes, it was a little awkward to have my boob on a surface with a plastic piece putting pressure down onto it... but, this lady sees this every day and the pressure was less than when I am elbowed in the chest... which happens more frequently than one would think.  It is truly AMAZING that a little bit of awkwardness and a little bit of pressure is all that is necessary to detect cancer and save a life!!!! After standing in a couple different positions so that they could get a full view it was over!

At this point I was sent back to the interior waiting room.  I wasn't exactly sure what to expect... I should have asked the technician more questions!! There were a few other ladies in the waiting room, one was exceptionally nervous.  She had developed a nervous cough.  I started to worry about her and stopped worrying about myself.  I got up and got her a mint out of my locker.  I talked with her a bit and passed time until a new person came to get me... I have to admit that I was a little nervous when I realized that I had been passed to a new person.  The lady was very nice and showed me a picture of the scans.  She showed me that there was tissue blocking the area where the lump was.  She told me that the radiologist would be coming in to do a sonogram.  I began to get very nervous.  The radiologist came in and questioned me about when I had noticed the lump.  She said that it is very sizable and that it is strange that I didn't notice it earlier.  She said that they had also found another small spot on the scans.  At this point I REALLY freaked out because of the second spot!!!!   She completed the sonogram over the large lump and was very pleased to tell me that it was only a large cyst that measured 2.5 cm x 2.5 cm. She said that it is very deep into the tissue, which is probably why it was hard for me to locate while standing up.  She then checked my smaller spot and was able to confirm that it was also a cyst!  She said that it was the best outcome that I could have gotten.  She said that the first cyst is sizable enough that I might want to get it drained at some point, but otherwise I would not need to do anything.  They gave me a diagnosis sheet that stated that everything was "normal"!! I then made calls, sent texts, and went to Cold Stone Creamery!!!! :)

The week ended with parent/teacher conferences... which are always nerve wrecking because talking to adults can be hard!!! Not that working with kiddos isn't hard, but adults are harder for me!

Add in a wide variety of other craziness and super stressful stuff that was going on in our lives and the week added up to be pretty craptastic! Don't get me wrong, I am very thankful that the results were fantastic!! It is just that I had so many "plans" for how the week would go and they didn't go ANYTHING like I had planned!!! One would think that by now I would just stop trying to plan!!!!

I must say that one blessing that came from all of this is that I feel better knowing that things are looking good and that we are now even more prepared for Iowa City because I have had a good left side mammogram.  IVF treatments can cause all kinds of crazy stuff, so I am thankful that things turned out the way they did!!

It seems as though October 22nd is a million years away!  But, I know that it will be here before we know it.  University of Iowa here we come!

Final thought for the weekend... DO NOT put off a mammogram!!! They save lives and they are mearly a little awkward and slightly uncomfortable!!!! TOTALLY worth the peace of mind!!!!!!

Iowa City

Today an "Unknown" caller came across my phone and I wondered whether I should answer.  Since it was my planning period I decided that I might as well take the chance... thank goodness!!! It turns out that the call was from the University of Iowa IVF Institute!! I am so excited!! We have an appointment set up for October 22nd.  I know that that seems far away, but at this point we are used to waiting!!

Some new things are going on in our lives:

1.  We have decided to change our diets.  This is mostly changing Mike's diet/eating habits, but it is a change for me in the fact that we are doing more planning instead of blind purchasing when it comes to food!  We are only on day 3 of this, but so far, so good!!

2.  We are walking every day!  When we get home from work we are walking for at least 30 minutes. I am also getting up in the morning and walking and running.  This is a change for both of us.  I used to walk a lot, and when we lived in Macomb we rode our bikes 8 - 10 miles a night.  But, we have only used our bikes a few times since we moved over 4 years ago.  And I haven't walked nearly as much since we started IVF treatments a year ago.  We completed day 4 of this today and we hope to continue!!

3.  I bought a Fitbit Charge HR.  Many of you probably know that I am an extremely competitive person.  SOOO... this has been great!  I HAVE to reach the daily goals or it would make me crazy.  SO, it forces me to keep moving all the time.  And it is good because it gives Mike and I a report about our nightly walks! It is also charting my sleep and I see that once I get passed the initial hour of restlessness and awake time (yes... it shows that I am a mess for at least an hour when I go to bed) I am actually sleeping really well!! Except for the day that I woke up a gazillion times during the first hour and then again 3 hours later. :/

4.  The school routine is going well.  I am feeling good about staying in the same position and room as last year.  I feel like things are going very well!! :)

5.  I have read a lot about people with adenomyosis and I am getting excited about the changes that might occur once they start me on the lupron (If that is what Iowa City decides to do!)!!! I hate that my uterus is so large that it gives me the "pregnant look", but there is absolutely nothing I can do to change it without medical intervention.  I just keep replaying the doctors reaction to my "huge" uterus! Now that I am a month out from that visit I can laugh about it and recognize how funny it is that my body has once again shocked a doctor! ;)
I have to admit that I am very anxious to get started with treatment, I am looking forward to hearing the opinions of the team at University of Iowa, and I am hopeful that they will be ready to hit the ground running!  Honestly though, October 22nd will be here before we know it!!

6. We are still LOVING the new couch and coffee table!!! It was totally worth the wait!!! :)

7.  My little sister turned 30, which she didn't mind at all because she LOVES her birthday... but it made me feel super old!! HAHAHH!

8.  I made meatload tonight that was loosely based off of a recipe that I found on pintrest... Mike said it was the best meatloaf imaginable!  He said he would have paid $20 for it at a restuarant!  He said a million different fabulous things about it!  The funny thing is that I prefer my old recipe to this one, but it made him so happy that this will be the new recipe from here on out!! :)  Maybe I will try some other new recipes sometime soon!

Thanks for reading my ramblings!  This is what life is like at the Team McVey Headquarters! ;) We are trying to change into "adults" through eating better and living better! Hopefully this is not just a phase! ;)

Thank you for your continued thoughts and prayers as we wait to find out what they would like to do with our case in Iowa City!  Prayers that God will guide the IVF team and that he will lead them to the protocol that will answer our prayers! Prayers that I will keep faith in God's timing!  Mike is SOO good at keeping this in mind.  I am the one who struggles with this.  I hate to admit it, but I can be quite impatient!! I am currently doing pretty well... most of the time.  I worried that my morning walks/runs would be a time that I just focused on this, but it honestly hasn't been at all!

Have a wonderful week!  I am going to go to bed so that I can get my hour of restlessness out of the way! ;)

MRI Results

Wednesday afternoon I called the Oakbrook office because I had not heard from them regarding my August 24th MRI.  "The Bomb.com" answered (see previous post about this facility!!) and said that she would have to have a nurse call me back.  So, I went about my day and got a call back in the late afternoon/early evening.  Nurse S (the nurse that I am convinced changes her name on different days of the week because Nurse H and Nurse H2 sound just like her!!) confirmed that I had called about my MRI and said, "We were ruling out Adenomyosis." I said, "Okay." She said, "You have Adenomyosis." So... I guess she meant that the MRI was to rule out Adenomyosis, not that they had ruled out Adenomysosis!!! I went from pleasantly surprised to bummed very quickly.  She then said that the MRI showed that I have endometriosis again, two endometriomas (the endometriosis filled cysts that are only removed through surgery), and endometriosis in my colorectal area.  Though I was fairly certain that the endometriosis had returned, I was very surprised that they were able to see it in the MRI.  They had told me previously that they would have to do a laparoscopy to diagnose endometriosis, but unfortunaely it has already returned severely enough that they could see it on the MRI.  At that point I asked Nurse S what the plan was.  She said, I don't know, what did Dr. R tell you? I said that I had not spoken to him since he told me to have the MRI.  She said, "Well, then you need to schedule a consult with him, but he will be out of town for two weeks starting Friday."  That was the end of our conversation.  I said that I would call and set up an appointment for when he got back, but in the back of my mind I was thinking "Shoot, I don't want to have to drive up to Oakbrook for a consult AGAIN!!!!"  I called Mike and told him what they said.  He said that same thing that I was thinking... that he didn't feel that we should have to drive up there for him to give us a plan.  He said that he feels that it is something that could be handled by phone or even email!  HAHAH! And, he is not wrong.  Dr. R had said that if diagnosed with Adenomyosis we would have to put me into menopause in order to attempt to shrink my uterus.  So, I feel that they should be able to call in those injections and let me get started!  Geesh!  I am not getting any younger!!!! ;)

Mike and I also talked about getting a second opinion about protocol from Iowa City.  I had hoped to have Dr. R's plan BEFORE checking with the University of Iowa, but since he is out of town I don't think we should waste time.  I called Iowa City on Thursday to see if they had anyone who specialized in Adenomyosis/Endometriosis and the woman who had answered my call said that she really couldn't give me any information until we sent in our information.  At that point, a nurse would call us and discuss our case/set up an appointment.  She said that when the nurse calls I can tell her that I had an MRI completed at their hospital and that that nurse can then put it in my file to look up the results in their system.  I must admit that it wasn't what I wanted to hear, but was not surprising either! Though I want facilities to be able to immediately answer my questions regarding their specialization, it just isn't the reality of how all of this works.  So, since I had already filled out the paperwork in April I just needed Mike's signature to be able to send it off.  Now we just wait and see what happens! Hopefully SOMEONE in their practice has knowledge about these conditions and give us their opinion!!

This weekend marks 6 full years that we have tried to grow our family.  We are entering our 7th year of infertility and it seems as though we are no closer to holding a healthy child in our arms than we ever were.  Looking back on this journey it is hard to believe that though significant events have occurred... surgeries, IUI, IVF, numerous opinions from doctors, countless medications... very little has actually changed.

For years I have prayed that God would help me to know when our time was up.  That he would help me to know if children were not in his plan for us.  That he would help me to be at peace with His plan for our lives.  I have prayed to be happy.  I have prayed for our family to grow.  I have prayed that our marriage will be strengthened, not strained by all of this.  I have prayed SO many things.  BUT, I have NOT prayed for patience while we wait, because I don't want him to continue to put me in situations that will require me to be patient!!! ;) HAHAH! Moving forward and pushing for answers is what is keeping me sane!  (Barely!!)  People make comments about the way that I handle every diagnosis, every disappointment, every negative outcome... but the truth is that if I let myself wallow I won't make it!  I honestly don't think I would be able to pull myself out of the pit!  When I catch myself falling back into the what if game I realize that it will eat me alive!!! YES, I truly believe that if we would have been able to continue with my original Reproductive Endocriniologist who had diagnosed me with Adenomyosis over a year and a half ago we would be in a completely different place.  BUT, that obviously wasn't meant to be our story!  For some reason I am supposed to have a HUGE uterus and a hot mess of a pelvis!! ;) Who knows... maybe one of these med students at University of Iowa is going to have the medical breakthrough of our lifetime while studying my case!! Maybe our child is meant to be born at a certain time so that he/she can be the first president to have ever been frozen!! (I am only guessing that none of the presidents were once frozen embryos!) Maybe we will never know why!!!

For now, while we wait, we will continue to come up with crazy ideas... this week we were looking at RV's online after watching a marathon about RV living! HAHHA!! We spent hours looking at the options!  In the past we have had other crazy ideas about where life is leading us.  I am convinced that life is taking me to a beach... whether it is the beach at Lake Warren or the beach along one of the coasts... I am meant to be on the water!! I can just feel it!!! ;) And I am pretty certain that I am supposed to pass that love of the water on to future generations!! Whether I pass that love on as Aunt Julie/Juju or on to my own children.  Mike on the other hand is not a water lover, so maybe he can just watch football in the RV!! ;)

Thank you for your continued support!  Who knew that the saga would continue this long and that so many people would open their hearts up to us!  Please know that we appreciate your thoughts and prayers!  As we move forward, we will continue to need your prayers that our records make it to the hands of the person who can help us to make this happen!

Have a wonderful Labor Day Weekend!!!

P.S.  I am SOOOO excited for Cider Slushies, Haystack Onion Rings, and FUNNEL CAKE this week at the Prime Beef Festival!!!!! The simple joys in life!!! Now, I just have to remember to pace myself and space out the treats throughout the week so that I don't get a tummy ache!!! :)

MRI

Tomorrow evening we will be in Iowa City so that I can have an abdominal MRI.  Though I am ready for it and hopeful that it will give us answers, I am also extremely nervous.  Setting the MRI up was a nightmare that I will probably write a blog about soon... Now that it is here, I am anxious.  The idea of trying to be still for over an hour seems impossible! The thought of another IV makes me nautious because of the trouble that nurses have had in the past. But, the most frightening thing is that after this we will know for certain if what the doctor saw was adenomyosis and we will also have an idea of how severe it is.

Today I have had many thoughts pass through my mind...
1.  I have thought about that fact that the adenomyosis could be so bad that they determine that we cannot transfer the embryo that we have.  What then?
2.  I have thought about the plan that I was told... completing a fresh cycle, but freezing all embryos.  Then putting me into menopause and hoping that it helps to shrink the adenomyosis and, therefore, my uterus.  But, what happens if we have the embryos and then my uterus doesn't shrink... what then?
3.  I wondered whether we would attempt to come up with the money to use a gestational carrier.  But I just don't know if that is even something that is feasible.
4.  I thought of the horrible things that could go wrong for that carrier and how horrible I would feel... and determined that I would never be able to move beyond that.
5. I thought that all of this thinking is just making me crazy!!! HAHAH!! Yep... I actually thought that and said that to Mike while we were eating dinner tonight!

The truth is that we really don't know what will come from this... And it is easy for people to say that I need to stay calm... But another thought that I had is that each time we go to a doctor they seem to find something else that is wrong with me!  They really do.  There is never anything that is exciting.  There is never anything that is sunshine and rainbows and it is HARD to be strong through it all.  As I walked out the door this morning I thought to myself, "I am so sick of having to be strong."  That thought stopped me in my tracks.  I didn't see it coming.  What led to that thought?!?! I simply walked by the letter from Iowa City.

Tomorrow will be the first day for kiddos in the 2015-2016 school year. It is a new beginning!  I have watched so many people post pictures of their kiddos on their first day of school.  It is crazy to think that if we had gotten pregnant when we had initially intended to we would have a kindergartener this year!!  Seriously!! That really brings this journey into perspective!!! The end of this month will mark 6 years of trying to grow our family.  And hopefully the end of this month will also be a time in which we are creating a new plan for growing our family.  A new plan that takes into account all of the issues that we are facing.

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers!  I am sure I will need them tomorrow!!! :)

Oak Brook

Today Mike and I traveled to Oak Brook and met a new doctor.  He talked to us about our journey and about options moving forward.  He told me to start accupuncture again, to start taking DHEA supplements, and suggested that we piggy back fresh cycles to try to collect as many eggs as possible due to my depleted AMH level.  He also said that he wanted to test my thyroid levels because he could see my thyroid when I swallow and that should not be the case.  We felt like he listened and he answered questions.

Then, he said that he would do an exam.  He sent Mike to the waiting room and I went with him and a woman who I assume is a nurse (not sure... I know her name, not her title) to an exam room.  (I must admit that I thought it was strange that Mike was sent away... I am not sure of the reasoning behind it.  Maybe they didn't realize that he had been there for all other ultrasounds and they thought he would be uncomfortable... who knows.  I will definitely ask that they allow him back there in the future though!)  Less than a second after the ultrasound started the doctor stated that my uterus was HUGE and that he felt that I have adenomyosis.  (You might recognize that diagnosis from SHER in Peoria.  Dr. Horowitz diagnosed me with it, but I was not treated for it because we had to switch facilities and the new facility did not feel that I had any issues.)  He immediately told the person in "nurse" that I would need an abdominal MRI.  Then he took a lot of measurements and showed and explained to me exactly why he thought adenomyosis was a problem.  My uterus is not pear shaped like it should be, it is huge and round.  It is not symmetrical, one side is almost twice the size of the other.  He continued to measure and print pictures for my file.  He ordered many blood tests and told the "nurse" to make sure that I was given a script to have the abdominal MRI completed in Iowa City.

He said that we will have to wait for the results of the blood work and the MRI to move forward.  He said that depending on how things go he thinks we should complete a fresh cycle, but freeze all of the embryos.  Then they will give me Lupron to put me into menopause for 3-4 months.  At that point they would reassess and determine if the Lupron was "shrinking" my uterus.  They would determine at that point if they felt that I would need another surgery.  They said that the first couple months (up to 3 months) are the best chance for someone with stage 4 endometriosis to get pregnant.  So, they would attempt a frozen cycle as quickly after surgery as possible.  But, we will have to wait for the results of all tests before we know what we are facing.

I read quite a few things about adenomyosis tonight and none of it was very encouraging considering the current size of my uterus.  He told me that it is a hostile enviroment and that transfering embryos into it would not be a good idea.   Hopefully between the MRI and the blood work we will get a good picture of what is happening with my body and we will be able to determine what I need to do to best prepare my body to carry a child at some point in the future.

I asked the doctor about the fact that I gained SOOO much weight during the last cycle and he said that he feels that it was stress.  (Of course hormones and injections played a part, too) He did an amazing job of describing what all of this does to a woman's body physically and mentally.  He said that if it was something other than stress it would have come off by now.  He said that accupuncture should help lower stress.  He also said that I should not worry about trying to lose it at this point.  He said I could spend the entire day in the gym just to lose 1 pound.  I guess this is extremely common for people who go through repeated cycles and years of infertility.  He said that my thyroid could also be a culprit.  I was hoping there was a quick fix for all of this, but of course that is not true!! ;)   It is hard not to be self conscious about the additional weight, but I am going to try to remember that stressing about it is only making my overall well being WORSE!!!

Overall, we were very happy with our experience with the doctor today.  He seemed very knowledgable.   The "nurse" was pretty flaky... once the doctor left she took me to the phlebotomist and couldn't keep the names of the labs straight... even I knew what they needed to be.  She said that she had just eaten and was in a "coma" from lunch.  Then, when she was going over the IVF packet she was all over the place, left to go get me the MRI script, came back without it, asked me where we were at in the process, remembered that she needed the MRI script, left again... it was totally bizarre! Mike would have been livid if he saw the chaos.  SO... I guess it is true that we will never find a perfect place... every facility has their strengths and weaknesses!! HAHHA!

I will keep you updated as we continue with the MRI and wait for the results of my blood work.  Though I was hoping for better news today I am not going to let this get me down.  They kept telling me that as long as we are able to retrieve eggs we have plenty of time to try to prepare my uterus for transfer.  They kept saying that I am young because I am "not 35 yet"! This was hilarious to me because I am just over 11 months from 35!  And, if it wasn't for my conditions 35 wouldn't be old at all!!

Thank you for your support!! I appreciate the messages and texts checking on us!!!
I know that God has a plan for us and though it can be hard to accept, I know that things will work out perfectly in the end!

Next Step...

Tomorrow marks the next step in our journey... we are headed to Oak Brook.  Tomorrow we will have a consultation with the Endometriosis Institute.  I have waited to post about it because we did not get the new patient information from the as quickly as I had expected.  But, now we have it finished, printed, and ready to go.  So, tomorrow we will get up bright and early and make the trek to Oak Brook.

We will have a lot to consider after meeting with this facility.  We can't say with 100% certainty that we will move forward with this facility.  We know that we have many options now that we have changed our insurance back to Blue Cross Blue Shield and we want to make sure that we are comfortable with the protocols that they are proposing.

I will keep you all posted as we move forward.  We appreciate your thoughts and prayers as we meet with the new facility at noon tomorrow!

Have a wonderful evening!

34th Birthday!!!

Today is my 34th Birthday and MUCH to my surprise everything is okay!! I woke up this morning and shockingly nothing changed overnight!!! I know this sounds silly, but all of the infertility studies discuss statistics by age and therefore birthdays are dreaded instead of celebrated.  Sometimes I just need to take a step back and recognize all of the amazing things I have to celebrate! Today I enjoyed chatting with friends and family, eating yummy foods, working on hobbies, and generally I felt fabulous...  no side effects of icky sicky feelings! WOOHOO!!!  I even started a new hobby by buying a guitar!  It was a very good day!!! :)

Last week the school board approved changing insurance back to Blue Cross Blue Shield.  I am hopeful that this is going to open up a lot of possibilities for us.  I planned to call offices today to inquire about protocols that are offered, but instead I gave myself permission to just have a day to not stress about this journey.  And I didn't!!! Even now, as I write this entry I am not stressing about it or trying to determine what we should do.  I am just updating and leaving the stress until tomorrow!!

I hope everyone has a wonderful week!! I am extremely excited about this week!  I have plans to do something fun every day this week.  Then on Friday I am thrilled to have the opportunity to go dress shopping with one of my best friends!  I am going to be the Matron of Honor in her wedding next summer and it is going to be so much fun to shop for dresses!!! Then we are going to spend the weekend in Wisconsin... YEP, you read that right!!! Mike and I are going to leave Monmouth!!!! WOOHOO!!!! I can't even tell you how excited I am!!!!!!!!! Gazillion exclamation marks type of excited!!! There are several things that I will have to say no to this weekend, but honestly we NEED this!!! We need to get away and have a fun weekend! And, since Mike is the one who asked about it I am going to strike while the iron is hot and drop everything to go!!!! :) We are going to get to spend time with great friends while we are there and I am thrilled!!! :)

I have read studies online that said that 34 is the best year of a person's life.  Though that is sad for people who have passed 34 it would be pretty exciting for me if that is true because it would mean that I have an amazing year ahead of me!!! :)

Thank you to all of you for supporting us on this journey!! Thank you for sticking with me throughout this funk.  Hopefully my spirit is on the mend.  I won a book from one of my favorite infertility blogs and I am very hopeful that it will rejuvinate me.  I was also leant several other books that were helpful to others going through a rough time.  The truth is that this is life.  We go through ups and downs, highs and lows, and we have to lean on our people to help us through.  I think that I tried to be positive for SOOO long that I just had a long way to fall when I hit my true funk!  As we search for our new facility I must dig deep and be hopeful!  I know I can do it, especially with such an amazing support system lifting me up!!!

Thank you for your continued thoughts, prayers, hugs, and smiles!! They are appreciated more than you could ever know!! :)

Just some thoughts...

My body has been going absolutely crazy again! SHOCKER!!! On Monday morning I woke up and had started bleeding again.  I finally called the doctor's office on Thursday and asked them what I should do.  They said that they don't feel that my body is absorbing the hormones of the BCP correcly and that I should stop taking the pill that night and start the Nuvaring next Thursday.  I told them I would rather just stop the pill.  I have no idea why this keeps happening.  My body will do fine with a medication for a while and then it just stops responding to it/ absorbing it.  It is so frustrating.  So for now I am just going to give my body a break.  I have felt terrible and crampy this weekend, but I am hoping that I will feel better in a few days.  I have started the Plexus Triplex and we will see if that has any positive effect on my situation.

It is funny because I really did intend to start off July with a fresh new start, leaving behind the June Gloom that I wrote about early in the week, but I have felt CRAPTASTIC so far!! This weekend I have had a lot of time to think while I have been feeling crummy.  I decided that I really need to determine what makes me happy.  I realized that my hobbies are things that I thought I would do as a mom.  I thought that I would crochet cute blankets, hats, scarves,  animals, etc. for my kiddos.  I started sewing so that I could make all kinds of adorable things for my kiddos.  I bought a ton of supplies to hand embroider items such as stockings, blankets, etc.  I purchased a lot of acrylic paint and canvases that I thought would be a fabulous way to decorate the nursery (The room that I sometimes call the craft room, not because I do crafts in there, but because I have thrown most of the supplies for these hobbies into the room.  In reality it houses a rocking chair, side table, changing table, and dressers... all it needs is a crib.  It is the room in the house that I have to keep the door closed to because it would otherwise make me feel sad and pathetic.).  I LOVED reading, but I haven't read much because I just haven't been in a mindset to let myself be overtaken by a book... Instead I get distracted by my thoughts and end up reading pages multiple times before just giving up.  Infertily has truly been all encompassing and has taken over my life.  I try and try to tell myself that I need to give myself a break and stop thinking about it, but it is absolutely impossible.  

I think the answer is to come up with new hobbies.  Things that will distract me from some of this craziness.  I have tried to Google hobby ideas without much luck. I have listed some of the hobbies from the "top hobbies" list and the "most popular hobbies" list and my response to them below:

1.  Playing with animals - I am allergic to animals and a lot of the hobbies that are listed have to do with interaction with animals.  I guess that is supposed to be something that brings joy to people, but unfortunately that is not an option for me.  

2. Food/cooking - Well, I do like to eat, but I am extremely picky.  If I don't like something it makes me gag or get sick.  I think this is the reason I am not a fan of cooking. Well, that AND the fact that clean up is such a bummer!! ;) 

3. Reading/Writing - I mentioned above that I used to LOVE to read but I have been SO distracted when reading recently.  I also enjoy writing.  This is a promising option, but I need my brain to take a vacation from it's overthinking when I sit down with my books!! :) 

4. Health/Sports/Fitness - I used to be athletic and I played a lot of sports.  I LOVE to be competitive and that is the key for me.  I do not get a "runner's high" regardless of how active I am, so competition is the only thing that makes any of this exciting for me.  I don't really see opportunities for me to be competitive with fitness right now, so that means that this isn't appealing to me... I guess this is a "maybe" on the hobbies list! 

5. Movies/TV- Well, I have this one down!  I have watched more Netflix than I should ever admit.  BUT, I would never consider this a hobby.  It is just an escape from the world.  Maybe I just need to change my mindset on this and embrace it as a hobby and stop feeling bad about the amount of time I have spent over the last year + watching Netflix! (As I continued my research I have realized that this is on most of the top hobbies lists SO it must be an actual hobby that I need to embrace! HAHA!!) 

6.  Music - I love music!! I have had "learn to play guitar" on my "To Do" list for decades!!! The problem is that it is something I wanted to learn because I thought it would be fun to share with my kiddos... which means that it could just make me sad.  I used to LOVE to sing for events, but I haven't devoted time to singing for SO long that I just don't have the same range that I once did. I think my problem is that I feel like I have to actually play for a purpose or sing for a purpose, which is just not realistic.  

7.  Travel - I would LOVE to travel as a hobby!!!! I would ABSOLUTELY love it!!! But, it is an expensive hobby.  Also, Mike is NOT a fan of traveling, which makes it a hobby that I would have to do on my own or with friends or other family members.  I definitely intend to travel again someday, but I need to save for those trips.  It just isn't a realistic hobby for me.  

8.  Gardening - Boy of boy do I wish I had a green thumb!!!! My poor yard would love for me to have a green thumb also!!! HAHAH!! This is something that I really need to figure out because it has been almost 4 years that we have lived in this house and we have yet to complete ANY landscaping!! This SHOULD be something that I attempt to make into a hobby.  I need to force myself to find joy in it by determining what it is that causes all the plants that cross my path to DIE!!!! 

9.  Art - I tried to get into painting... I discussed that a little bit earlier in this post.  I found that I did enjoy painting, but I also found that there are only so many things that I can paint on my own.  Mike hung up the 3 paintings that I created, but I just don't know that I would put any more of them up in our house (other than in a nursery) because they obviously are not AMAZING works of art.  They are decent considering the fact that I went to one painting class, but in reality I don't know what I would DO with my paintings if this became my new hobby.  Otherwise, I don't feel like I am very artistic.  I would need guidance for this to become a hobby for me!! 

10.  Shopping - I am sure that this COULD become a hobby for me, but the reality of household bills and student loans knocks this out of the running!! ;)

That is a basic rundown of the hobbies that I most frequently saw during my Google searches.  I am interested in what your hobbies are.  What brings you joy?  What is your escape?  How do you spend your time when it is not otherwise occupied?

I truly think that people who are passionate about hobbies are happier than people who are not.  I feel that people who have found something that takes them to "their happy place" are better able to face the day to day situations that can bring a person down.  My quest to find this escape has not been successful YET, but I am not giving up on it.

Current contenders:
- reading
- writing
- learning to play the guitar???? ( I would have to buy a guitar!! YIKES that is commitment!!)
- painting??
- photography (I didn't even mention it in the list above, but Mike bought me a camera a year and a half ago... I wanted it so that we had a good camera to take pictures of kiddos.  I should give it a purpose.  BUT, I did take a semester long photography class and I was ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE!!! SERIOUSLY!!!!)
- gardening - Though I feel sorry for plants just thinking about trying to tackle gardening as a hobby! 

- I have been working on some crocheting projects this weekend while I watched "Switched at Birth" on Netflix. I am almost to that point that I need to put the projects away for a while.  It is one of those hobbies that I enjoy until I make something SUPER cute and feel sad that I don't have a purpose to keep it.  Hopefully some day that feeling will go away so that it can be a hobby that I find joy in!

Maybe your favorite hobbies can become contenders!!! Share them with me!!

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday weekend!  Mike and I had a nice evening.  We had dinner with his parents and then we played pitch and watched the fireworks together.  It was fun!

June Gloom...

I remember going to San Diego in June about 11 years ago... It was cold and dreary and we quickly heard from many people that we were there during June Gloom.  I thought, "YUCK! Why would anyone want to live here!".  Well, for the last two years I have lived in my very own June Gloom!!  And honestly, I don't want to live here anymore!

Last June was a living nightmare.  I haven't looked back at posts from that time period.  I don't think I  want to.  I don't know if I was trying to sugar coat things or if I was honest.  I imagine that there is no way I could have been completely honest because I was in a DARK place.  I was losing my mind!  I was hanging on by a thread of my sanity.  I don't think that there has ever been a time in which I have cried SO hard for SO long.

This June I was numb.  I was sad.  I was a shell of my former self.  I could barely drag myself out of bed to make it to the couch.  And though I was honest in my posts about what was going on, which was pretty glum and down, they were nothing compared to what I was actually feeling.  I kept telling myself that I HAD to start getting up and doing something with my day.  It wasn't like I was sleeping away the days.  I was still getting up early every day and waking Mike up for work or meetings.  I was still staying up super late doing absolutely nothing... well, probably watching Netflix. ;) But, it was SO hard for me to actually face life.

I was feeling SOOOO terrible physically and emotionally.  My body was completely failing me.  I couldn't even cry because I had no tears left.  AT LEAST when I was feeling so badly last year I was crying and yelling and letting the feelings out (alone in my house... like a CRAZY person... But still, I was letting those feelings out!).  On a daily basis it was hard to find anything to feel good about and it was especially hard because there were people around that I still needed to attempt to plaster a smile on my face for.

I considered calling to see if my counselor that I stopped seeing 5 years ago was even still employed at the facility I used to go to.  For all I know she could be retired by now.  Who knows? I tried vitamins.  I tried reading things on the internet about common remedies for depression. None of it helped, but one thing was for sure, I was ABSOLUTELY depressed.

I know that the word "depressed" gets thrown around a lot.  But I know the true meaning of the word and I have been on medication for it and anxiety before.  I know what it is and it is ugly.  It is not something that you can just suck up.  It is not something that you can just shake off.  It is not something that you can wish away.  I also know that I have been able to control those feelings for YEARS without medication and I wanted to do anything and everything I could to not get back to that point again.

I actually started the anxiety/depression medication on our wedding day.  Before we even knew that we were infertile!  I spent so many years trying to smile through the pain and being a people pleaser and at that point I just couldn't do it on my own anymore.  I had been to counseling for over a year.  Probably 2 years and I just didn't want to live like I was anymore.  I honestly didn't know who I was at that point.  I spent so much time trying to "be happy" for other people that I was NEVER happy.  Whatever people wanted I just smiled and did it.  I will never be able to fully describe how I felt then, but to get to a point that I knew something had to change was HUGE.  After I started taking meds the counseling sessions were much more effective.  They diagnosed me with Generalized Anxiety Disorder.  They said that I had OCD tendencies and ADHD tendencies, but they did not know which was the primary and which was the secondary... hence the Generalized diagnosis.  I spent the next year taking various medications that ranged from causing me to feel absolutely HORRENDOUS to feeling functional, but not really different.  I had a new understanding of how my students who were medicated felt.  A change in the meds cound make you feel like a totally different person.  A missed dose could take a week to regulate.  It was terrible!  But, once they got it right it was AMAZING.  II didn't feel like a different person, I didn't feel like I was in a fog or like I was "drugged" or anything.  I could just function without the constant nagging pressure to be the best and please everyone... the pressure was still there, but it just wasn't as intense.  At that point I was able to actually function well enough to take in all of the strategies that I learned from my counselor and from the psychiatrist.  I was able to see a light at the end of the tunnel.  Eventually I was able to cut back on the meds and spread my sessions out with my counselor.  Then I went off the meds completely and just saw my counselor.  And when we moved, I said goodbye to Macomb and a month later I said goodbye to my counselor as well.  I wasn't CURED of my disorder or my tendencies, but I was able to use strategies to function!  I was able to see a little bit of GRAY in my black and white life.  (Anyone who knows a little about OCD knows that things are very black and white for people with OCD tendencies.  I would always say, "It isn't that I necessarily think my way is right and that I am not willing to change my views... it is that if there were a better way I would change what I do and do it that way."  That was a time in my life that was very difficult, but a time that was also amazing.  I was finally addressing something that was "wrong" in my life for a very long time and I was no longer afraid of the stigma of seeking help.  Honestly, it was fortunate that I didn't lose my life before I sought help.  There were times that I was just plain destructive to my life and thankfully those times did not win.  We all know people who were not that lucky.  (This blog is not the setting to go into more details about my experiences in counseling or my destructive behaviors (I will say that none of these behaviors involved doing drugs. I don't want anyone reading this to get that impression.  Thankfully I never felt that they would be the answer to any of my problems.). Just know that I would be happy to make recommendations to anyone who feels that they are at a point in their lives that they need and want change.  It can be scary to make that step, but it is even scarier to live in a way that you are careless and could not care less about living.  I am happy to help in any way that I can!)

With that little bit of background in mind, I think that the fact that I have OCD tendencies caused me to approach infertility in a slightly different way than I have read in other blogs and postings by people going through it.  I was very willing to try whatever I was told was the best option because it was very black and white to me... If this is the best option then it is what we will do.  Why wouldn't we?  As long as we have had a plan, I felt like I was making gains.  No plan equalled DOOM!!! And basically June has been a month of NO PLAN for two years now.

Last week I began to realize that I was ablsolutely on a down hill spiral.  I had finally stopped bleeding and I was able to step out of the chaos for a moment and see that I was in a terrible mind set.  I tried to snap out of it, but as I said before, nothing seemed to help. I determined that June was a total loss, but that I needed to make a change.  That I needed to give myself a boundary and to determine that July could NOT be another June.  What has changed? Well, in our situation absolutely nothing has changed... so it just has to be a change in mindset.  I am going to take the Plexus supplements and I am going to work on becoming healthier.  I am going to attempt to take back my life and not let infertility continue to make me feel like less of a person.  Am I a different person now?  Absolutely!  Will I ever go back to being the person I was when I left counseling? No, there is no way that I could.  Too much has happened to change me, but that doesn't mean that I can't be better.

I have knowledge today of so many things that I didn't when I walked out of the door at MDH 5 years ago.  I am stronger than I ever could have imagined.  I have worked through so many things and broken so many of the obsessions that I still had when I left counseling.  I have overcome fears, I have faced scary situations... of course I can be BETTER than I was back then.  Is it going to be hard to move into a new mindset? Of course it is.  But then again, there are not a lot of things that are worth it that aren't hard.

I can't continue to be a shell of my former self.  So today, July 1st, I am moving out of the June Gloom and looking forward to working on becoming a healthier me.  That doesn't mean that things will be sunshine and rainbows from here on out.  But it does mean that I am trying and that is step one!

Thank you for your support as we continue on this journey.  I am sure I will need your help to keep the "gloom" behind me!! :)

The latest

Well, there is not a ton to update on at this point. I want to make sure to fill in the gaps so that when I read this blog later in life, or even just a couple months from now, I am able to recall what was going on.  Sometimes, if  I reread blog posts I will look at it and think, "Why didn't I write that" or "Waid, I totally forgot to update about that".  I think it is because I often forget that I didn't already post things!

My period finally stopped after 23 days.  June 16th was the last day, so June 17th was pretty exciting!!  I followed the protocol that the doctor's office gave me, taking the birth control pill again on June 18th.

Something that I forgot to write about in May is that I actually did email my old facility.  It is SO weird because I REALLY thought that I wrote a blog post about it, but I can't find one.  The day after I made the post stating that I was thinking about emailing SHER I stumbled upon the infertility story of the AMAZING IVF coordinator from SHER... YEP, you read that right... it turns out that when they tried to have a family they struggled and they ended up being an IVF success story.  Their story is absolutely amazing!!! It can be found on SHER's website under "The Neils' Story".  I am so happly for them.  I can only assume that they are either VERY close to having a new baby now or they have already had her!!  I emailed right away and congratulated her.  I also emailed the financial lady there and she sent back that she did remember me, but that she was leaving for another facility.  SO, it will be a new doctor there, the IVF coordinator there will likely be on maternity leave, and the financial consultant lady will be new.  Sounds like we would be starting from scratch if we end up there.

Unfortunately I have already started bleeding again.  Monday morning I woke up and was so upset to discover that my body has gone CRAZY again.  I haven't even called the doctor yet because I know that there is nothing that they can do.  It is light bleeding, not heavy.  We have already done a PAP test, so if there are bad cells causing this we should get a phone call within a week or two telling us that.  I am guessing that it is just my body going crazy again.

I have determined that I am not joining my family on their Florida trip.  Who wants to go to the beach when they have no idea what their body will be doing.  I have cramps all the time and it would be miserable to be at the beach with cramps and yuck!!!

I think that I am actually going to call the doctor and ask if I should just go off of the pill after tonight's dose (it has been 14 days like it was last time they had me do a reset) and just let myself have a period.  Or if it would be best just to wait and stop it after next Wednesday's final dose and then just not refill my prescription.  I am guessing that they will say to wait until next Wednesday.  Which is fine.  I just want to stop putting hormones into my system that are not working for my body.

I started taking Plexus yesterday after about 2 months of reading information and considering it.  I decided that it would be helpful for my insulin resistance, if nothing else.  But, I have read a lot of stories of people who have been helped with their various infertility cases by using these products.  Even if it just helped me to "feel better" and detox after all of the crazy meds they have had me on I would be THRILLED.  I feel like we have tried EVERYTHING under the sun to get pregnant, so I might as well try this, too!!!

I am going to make another post after this about June.  It will explain a little more about the way I have been feeling, but I hope this post filled in some of the gaps.  At some point I will probably read through the blog and see if there are things that I left out that I want to remember!  Probably not today though! ;)

I hope everyone has a great day!

Update and Annual Exam

To catch everyone up, I went to the school board meeting last Thursday and found that not all of the staff had turned in their insurance applications for Blue Cross Blue Shield on time or completed correctly so we do not have any information on what insurance we will have for the next year.  This is frustrating because I will not be able to determine what facility we will use or complete any cycles this summer without knowledge of what our insurance will be.  I am trying to look at the bright side and think that after the long, horrible cycle I just finished my body might have a little break from the crazy.  I am not going to lie and say that it is easy, but at least I can see a bit of silver lining through the muck! ;)

Today I had my annual exam.  I know how much we all LOVE annual exams! ;) Well, I was actually excited to see the nurses who were so helpful to me in the earlier stages of our infertility.  They are so caring and truly make me feel that they are cheering for us and praying for us throughout this journey.  The sweet nurse of my nurse practitioner gave me a hug and asked me if we had any good news to share.  She said that she prays for us and thinks of us often (We have been told that we are kind of celebrities in that office due to my special cases... aka: what a complete mess I am... not sure that is a good thing!!! HAHA!!). She said that she just knows that things will work out for us.  She took down all of my new information and was shocked to hear everything my body had been through since I was there one year ago.

I was also excited for this visit because I knew that they had changed the timeline for when you have to have a Pap Smear and this was not supposed to be a year I had to have one.  But, bummer... they decided that since I have been on so many meds I needed to have the Pap test just to be safe.  So, we took care of that and the rest of the wellness exam and reviewed the status of all of my IVF stuff.  (This is my regular gynocologists office, not the reproductive endocrinologist, so they were not up to date on everything that has happened.)  She started off by saying that she would recommend that I start getting mammograms at the age of 35 if my insurance will cover it.  (I instantly thought of Giuliana Rancic and the fact that they found breast cancer during her infertility treatments... I am glad that this lady is thinking about the all of the side effects that infertility meds can cause.  It is not fun to think about, but it is the smart thing to do.) I told her that I would be 34 next month, so I would have to start looking into it next summer.  She told me that I look 25 and that compared to people who have gone through much less than I have (treatment wise) she said I look amazing.  She said my skin looks fabulous and that she feels that the stress and emotions of all of this are not showing external signs.  She said that some people come out of treatment cycles looking extremely rough! I thanked her for that and told her that I wasn't sure I looked that young, but I appreciated the compliments! ;) I said that I guess weight gain as my major side effect wasn't as bad as "looking extremely rough"!!! Once again... silver lining! ;)

I guess it is easy to beat yourself up and forget that your body is really going through the ringer.  I read a blog entry last night from a girl who said that she no longer owns a camera due to what infertility treatments have done to her body and the way she looks now.  She hasn't had surgeries and scars like I have, but she has also experienced weight gain and I think the hormones have caused some of the "rough" look that my nurse practitioner spoke of.  All I could think of is how sad I am for her.  She said that she used to love to take pictures and she actually had many pictures from pre-infertility treatments up on her page, but she had none that were anywhere close to current.  I admit that I cringe when I see a picture of the new me. I am okay with the everyday life, walking by a mirror and seeing what has happened to my body... but a PICTURE... that is a tough pill to swallow.  So, I get it.  I understand how she could get to the point that she wouldn't even want a camera around.  But, then again, I look pictures from over the last 6 years and I see the various points of our journey.  I see times that my hormones were out of wack and I am "ballooned out" and I see times that we were making progress and the balloon has deflated some.  It really is all part of this process and it is part of our story.  I try to embrace it and shake it off as much as I can, accepting that some days will be easier than others and that someday I will look back at pictures from this time of my life and remember how strong I had to be during this time.  Or I will just look back and say WOW! I really ballooned out!! ;) This week I donated 5 bags of clothes to the Strom Center and I already feel better knowing that I don't have the pressure of trying to fit into the various sizes that were in my dresser from the last year.  Like I told the nurse practitioner, the week that they had me on NO MEDICATION, absolutely nothing, I lost 6 pounds without changing a single thing in my routine or diet.  But, as soon as they added the BCP back to my routine I stopped losing weight immediately and have just stayed right at that point.  My body just does not like taking hormones!!! 

Back to the appointment... Everyone at the office was so kind and told me that they had truly hoped that I would come in with great news.  I went through a lot with that office as we discovered my vitamin deficiences and endometriosis.  I can tell that they truly care about me and it felt good to know that they have been praying for our journey.  The nurse practitioner who completed my exam asked me if I believe in God's perfect plan and I told her that I do, but it doesn't mean that it is easy.  She laughed and said that after nearly 6 years and all the treatments we have been through it would be hard for anyone to be strong all the time.  She told me that she would continue to pray.  She told me that most people would not have made it this far in their journey and still be willing to continue on with it.  

Before I left she asked me how I was doing emotionally.  I told her that I have found myself going through stages.  I said that I am beyond the stage of feeling shame for not being able to get pregnant and the stage of embarassment that my body is not doing what humans are designed to do.  Those stages lasted a long time.  I told her that I am now at a point in which it is hard, but I realize that I am doing everything I possibly can to try to grow our family.  I told her that it is really hard for me to be AS hopeful as I was in the begining because it is just too hard to get that disappointing call and to mourn the loss of those embryos.  We talked about the fact that I have lost 6 embryos and how that can effect a person.  We talked about my desire to find a new protocol so that we do not continue the insanity of repeatedly attempting the same protocols.  We talked about adoption and the fact that the private adoption sites that I looked at had a requirement that we would be finished with fertility treatments if we started the adoption process.  We talked about why they have that requirement and the fact that I completely understood why that policy existed.  We also talked about the fact that I am just not ready to give up yet and that I don't feel "called" to adopt yet.  It was so nice that she was empathetic and asked questions that she truly wanted to know the answers to without passing judgement.  And it was nice that she had a true understanding of the logistics of all of this and the fact that none of this is as easy as it sounds or seems.

They were very surprised by the fact that my current specialist took me off of all of my supplements that were being used to regulate my iron, ferritin, vitamin D, and vitamin B levels.  I explained that he doesn't believe in those deficiencies causing difficulties with fertility and that he doesn't believe in high natural killer cells or insulin resistance causing issues either.  Hopefully a different facility will address those issues.

Now I wait a couple weeks to get the results.  Hopefully we find that everything is still perfectly fine and that there are no new concerns.

Thank you for your continued support as we continue through this journey!! I am blessed with a great support system! :) 

The craziness continues...

It has been quite a while since I last wrote a post.  The last I wrote I had called the doctor and I was waiting to find out the results of blood work.  I guess things just got crazy busy at that point because I never posted an update with the results... When they called with the results they said that I did not ovulate for some reason.  They gave me medication called Provera and told me that I needed to take it for 10 days and that sometime between the day I stopped taking it and 7 days after I stopped taking it I would get a period.  Well, not surprisingly, I started bleeding on day 7 of taking the medication.  Of course I panicked! Though I was glad to end the terribly long, ovulationless cycle (it ended up being 6 weeks/ 42 days long) I did not know why my body was reacting early.  It was Memorial Day, which meant the the office was closed, but first thing the next morning I called the doctor's office again and they told me to continue taking the medicine or my body could stop this reaction and I could have further problems. GREAT!!!! They also told me that since I would take my last pill on Thursday I would need to start birth control on Friday in order to attempt to get my body regulated for a future IVF cycle.  So, I finished out the meds which were HORRIBLE due to yucky side effects.   So much pain, cramping, bloating, etc.  I looked up reviews of the meds to make sure that I shouldn't be concerned about what was going on with my body, but I quickly found out that the side effects were 'normal'... Yay! ;) Grouchy does not even begin to describe the way I felt and I really can't describe the way I was feeling physically.   I followed the protocol that they gave me and I waited... I read more about the meds because I was feeling SO terrible and having such a heavy response... I called the doctor again after 15 days of heavy bleeding and asked them what I should do.  (After one of my surgeries I had 20 days of bleeding and was very anemic.  They used birth control to stop the bleeding.  The fact that I was already on the birth control made me very nervous and I could tell that my iron was very low because I was very symptomatic.) After I left a message for the nurse I drove to Peoria just in case they would try to fit me into an open slot.  I felt bad enough that I wanted to make sure I was available if they were available.  the Mercers met me in Peoria and we hung out while we waited for the doctor's office to call back.  When they hadn't called back 6 hours later I left another message.  She called me back a little before 4:00 and said that I was going to have to make a choice.  Evidently my body lost a lot of lining very quickly, causing my lining to be extremely thin.  She said that if the lining is too thick it will not shed (supposedly this was my initial problem). She said that is the lining is too thin it will not stop shedding (supposedly this was what was happening as I spoke to her). The heaviness and clotting were a common issue caused by the meds. SO, I had a choice to make.  I could either stay on the pill and continue bleeding indefinitely, but be able to complete a July cycle if everything worked out with insurance and a protocol/facility we were happy with OR I could stop the pill, which should cause a "reset" for my body and should stop the bleeding by the 18th.... Yep, you read that right I was talking to her on the 8th and we were hoping for a possible stop by the 18th. :( I asked her what she would do if she were me and she said that one of the things that they love about me and appreciate about me is that I am always willing to do whatever is asked of me and whatever it takes in order to have a chance to grow our family.  But, if it were her and she were symptomatic of anemia like I was she would stop the pill and risk missing out on the next IVF cycle.  That was all I needed to hear.    I truly was feeling terrible.  I couldn't imagine continuing to feel this way indefinitely as we waited to hear about the new insurance.  So, they instructed me to continue to take the birth control through Wednesday night and stop it on Thursday.  I followed their instructions and I am currently at 21 days/ 3 weeks of bleeding and I am still feeling awful.  I am taking supplements to try to keep my iron, ferritin, and vitamin b levels up, but they also cause stomach issues so I have to be careful of that.  I don't take them everyday to prevent the stomach issues from getting too intense, but I feel so zapped when I don't take them.  My chiropractor also reminded me last time that I was there that due to my endometriosis I am also bleeding internally right now because the endometriosis is shedding just like my regular lining is.  That causes a lot of pain and an amazingly attractive amount of bloat and inflamation!! ;) I don't even want to know what they would find if they did another surgery for the endometriosis.  This CANNOT be good for it! :(

So, I continue to wait for my body to determine that it is going to stop being crazy.  I have to start the birth control again on Thursday in order to complete the "reset". I am hopeful that things will go back to normal then, although it would not be shocking to me if I had to call and seek guidance again.  Thursday night is also the school board meeting in which they will determine the insurance that we will have starting July 1st.  Once we know that information I will be able to start making calls to determine where we will move forward.  It is maddening to think that if our insurance would have changed in July last year instead of in June we might not have had to go through this craziness.  I truly believe that the intralipid therapy with Dr. Horowitz would have been the answer and that was supposed to start at the beginning of June last summer.  The schools fiscal year begins July 1st, so it really would have made sense to have it change then... Ehh, I know that there is nothing that can be done now, but that doesn't make it any easier to stomach... Especially when things are so frustrating right now.  Unfortunately Dr. Horowitz has now moved to Virginia or West Virginia (or some other Eastern state!).  So, we are really starting from scratch as we try to move forward and I will be turning 34 next month.  That might not sound like a big deal, but if you look up the chances of getting pregnant at the age of 34 and beyond when you have stage 4 endometriosis and high natural killer cells you will see why it is so much scarier than when I was 32 (almost 33) when we were supposed to go through IVF last June. Each month has a bleaker outlook. :/ (Sorry, I realize that this is quite a downer post, but it is just the reality of what we are facing.)

Yesterday was our 6th wedding anniversary.  Mike had a client meeting in the morning, an open house in the afternoon, and he worked at the Italian Village until a little after 11 last night which meant that I had a LOT of time to sit at home and think... WOW! Things are so different than I had imagined they would be at this point in our lives.  We have been together for over 11 and 1/2 years now and we really thought that we would start a family not long after we got married 6 years ago.  Boy do plans change!!! So many things are different than I imagined... Though most of the time I am able to go with the flow and roll with the fact that this isn't how I imagined things would be for us at this point there are times like today that it is just hard.  I can't be sunshine and rainbows all the time. It just wouldn't be real and I want this blog to be authentic.

I am sure that tomorrow will be a better day.  I am going to take my iron and ferritin again, so it might give me a little pep and energy! :)

Mike and I will have a lot of decisions to make and they will need to be made very quickly once we find out what my insurance will be.  We appreciate your continued thoughts and prayers as we try to determine the path that we are meant to travel.  It is so hard to be patient and wait for God's timing.  Mike appears to be MUCH better at waiting than I am.  We don't talk about his much when we are in a "waiting phase", so I don't really know his thoughts on it right this moment, but I can say with certainty that he isn't a looney as I am right now... but, to give myself a little credit, he also hasn't been bleeding heavily for 3 weeks!! ;) hahahah!!

Thank you for your continued support of our journey.  I hope to have some good news updates soon!  If we switch to Blue Cross Blue Shield I plan to contact an endometriosis clinic soon to see what they have to offer us in terms of protocol and information.  I also plan to contact SHER Institute to see what the new doctor has to say about my case.  If we find out that we are sticking with Health Alliance as our insurance we will submit our paperwork to Iowa City to implant our remaining embryo and then we will have to determine how we will move forward from there due to their embryo freezing policies.  At this point I feel that moving to Blue Cross Blue Shield would have the best options for us, but I have to trust that things will work out the way they are supposed to.  We should know in just a few days either way.

Have a great evening.  Try to stay dry in all of this crazy stormy weather we are having!

Called the doctor...

I called the doctor yesterday to ask them if it was normal to have such a long cycle. They said that it wasn't normal and they told me that I needed to go for bloodwork to check my hormone levels. I went after school to the hospital in Monmouth. The doctor's office called with the results just after lunch today.  They said that I did not ovulate and they prescribed progesterone to me that I have to take for 10 days. They said that it should force me to have a period.  I am tired, cranky, tired of being tired,and cranky!!!! ;) I truly don't understand why all of this has been SO difficult. I am absolutely missing whatever it is that I am supposed to learn from this and I am struggling to find the silver lining. :/ To say that I am feeling defeated would be an understatment!!! ;)

I have realized recently that there are people who think that I am trying to seek attention through my infertility issues. Not only is that hurtful, but it is idiotic.  Their is nothing glamorous about admitting that you are experiencing infertility or about the treatments for the infertility.  There is no part of this that makes me feel special. I would LOVE for this to have never come to the point where I had to share what was happening. Unfortunately that isn't how life worked out.  In 3 months we will have been trying for 6 years to have a family.  I was very happy to keep this all a secret until situations occurred that I needed to open up about it.  Unfortunately things came up that made it very difficult to stay quiet.  There are people in this world who truly need to watch out because the bad fairies will get them someday for their nasty words, attitudes, and ways.  Empathy and compassion can take a person a long way in this world...

On a lighter note, the kiddos seem to love my "black and purple" hair... Well, most of them!! Some of them are really shocked and disturbed that I would do something like this!! Hahahah!!! I have decided that it was a fun change and I am glad I did it!! :)

Thank you to those of you who have been such a wonderful support system!! Your kindness is greatly appreciated!!

35 days and counting...

As if this process isn't maddening enough, my period is at least a week late. I have now taken two tests. One when my period didn't come last weekend and one tonight. Both were negative. At this point I don't really have a doctor, so I don't really know what to do. of course I consulted the Internet and it said to contact a doctor's office and they will know if I should be seen or not. Well, I am in limbo right know with my doctor's so I am just feeling frustrated and nervous about what this means. Of course my mind keeps jumping to the fact that my egg reserve has been undetectable for over a year now... This could be it... I could be all out of eggs. :/ 

Hopefully something happens very soon or I guess I will have to call my old specialist. I haven't told them that I am leaving their practice yet, so I guess it won't be completely awkward. 

That is all for now. 

Still no plan...

Nothing really new to report from the McVey house... Mother's Day came and went and I was very surprised at the sting I felt.  It was a new feeling for me.  I told Mike that my best guess was that we have tried so many things over the last year that it just felt like more of a loss this year than usual.  I don't really know... I think it could also be that my period is late and I felt the need to take a test that not surprisingly was negative... Why oh why must I do that to myself?!?!
They should have my picture up at all area stores with a note that tells cashiers not to sell pregnancy tests to the crazy woman in the picture!!! ;) it could also be the fact that we re getting closer Dan closer to 6 years of trying to grow our family... Only 3 and 1/2 months until that day hits. :/

As for where we stand now, over a month has passed and we are still not any closer to a plan for moving forward. We originally thought that we would try to go to a facility in the suburbs that specializes in endometriosis.  After finishing my grad classes and finally looking into what was covered under my insurance plan I quickly found that there are no reproductive endocrinologists covered by our insurance from any of those facilities.  There are actually only 21 of them covered in the whole country and 2 of them are the doctors that I have been seeing most recently.  So, as of last Tuesday we are back to being planless.

Recently I have had several people ask why this has been such a difficult decision as we move forward.  The answer to that question is that we now have one embryo left and we do not know if I have anymore eggs left. It has been over a year since the doctor tested levels that told us that my egg supply was undetectable.  We were thrilled that after a failed cycle in which there were no eggs to retrieve we were able to try again and were able to fertilize 7 eggs.  Now that we only have one of those embryos left we are left with the possibility that we will not be able to retrieve any eggs and we will have reached the end of our journey.  Unfortunately we will not know until we get to that point. So, we are spending a lot of time just trying to figure out what to do.  We are afraid that going to a facility that does not specialize in endometriosis would result in another failed cycle.  We are also not willing to go to a facility that will not freeze all of our embryos if we were to have embryos reminding from a future cycle.  That is a moral decision that we feel strongly about.  We recognize that other people might think it is a ridiculous reason to not go to a facility, but we are the only people who have to live with our decision so we will make it with our beliefs in mind.

Another thing that I am kind of waiting on is the fact that we are at that time of year when the insurance companies are giving the school bids for next years coverage.  I guess I am still holding onto hope that there is a chance that we will get an opportunity to go back to our old facility that has special treatment protocols for patients with endometriosis and high natural killer cells.  There is a new doctor there, but from what I have read I feel that she has a lot of experience and I am hopeful that she would be able to help me just as much as Dr. Horowitz had intended to.  I honestly haven't even talked to Mike about this possibility because I have been too nervous to talk about things that might not even be possible.  We seem to be putting off this big decision and maybe the reason is that in the end this possibility will be available to us.  Hopefully I will know very soon!!! Part of me wants to email the IVF coordinator at that facility and see how quickly she would be able to get me started with a cycle if our insurance was to magically change.  Who knows, maybe she won't even remember me... But I feel like I am pretty unforgettable!! Hahahah!!! I emailed her almost daily!! ;)

Well, that is the latest in the McVey house.  Nothing too exciting.

Day 2 - NIAW

Today is Day 2 of National Infertility Awareness Week.  Today is the first day that I am actually feeling pretty normal since we found out that we had another failed cycle.  That was two weeks ago.

I have read a couple postings about infertility awareness today and as I read them I couldn't help but think that it would be easier to just stop all treatments than to try to figure out what to do next.  It is true!!! It is easier to just go from day to day in denial of my issues.  Realistically I know that the "easier" part would only last for so long and then I would be very disappointed in myself for letting precious time slip away.  But for at least a couple days I think I am going to give myself permission to just feel "normal"!!  And, hopefully in that time I will get some grad class stuff done.  IVF completely overtook my life and grad school was pushed to the back burner. :/  YIKES!! I have a lot to do in a short amount of time.  I am not sure what I was thinking when I signed up for two grad classes and went through two IVF cycles all at the same time.  MADNESS!!! ;)

I guess my little nugget of information about infertility today is that these treatments can take over a person's life and make them feel like a shell of the person that they once were.  A lot of days it is hard to push yourself to go places and do things because you just feel SO crummy.  Don't take it personally.  Hopefully someday things will improve and your friend will once again begin to feel like herself again!!