MRI

Tomorrow evening we will be in Iowa City so that I can have an abdominal MRI.  Though I am ready for it and hopeful that it will give us answers, I am also extremely nervous.  Setting the MRI up was a nightmare that I will probably write a blog about soon... Now that it is here, I am anxious.  The idea of trying to be still for over an hour seems impossible! The thought of another IV makes me nautious because of the trouble that nurses have had in the past. But, the most frightening thing is that after this we will know for certain if what the doctor saw was adenomyosis and we will also have an idea of how severe it is.

Today I have had many thoughts pass through my mind...
1.  I have thought about that fact that the adenomyosis could be so bad that they determine that we cannot transfer the embryo that we have.  What then?
2.  I have thought about the plan that I was told... completing a fresh cycle, but freezing all embryos.  Then putting me into menopause and hoping that it helps to shrink the adenomyosis and, therefore, my uterus.  But, what happens if we have the embryos and then my uterus doesn't shrink... what then?
3.  I wondered whether we would attempt to come up with the money to use a gestational carrier.  But I just don't know if that is even something that is feasible.
4.  I thought of the horrible things that could go wrong for that carrier and how horrible I would feel... and determined that I would never be able to move beyond that.
5. I thought that all of this thinking is just making me crazy!!! HAHAH!! Yep... I actually thought that and said that to Mike while we were eating dinner tonight!

The truth is that we really don't know what will come from this... And it is easy for people to say that I need to stay calm... But another thought that I had is that each time we go to a doctor they seem to find something else that is wrong with me!  They really do.  There is never anything that is exciting.  There is never anything that is sunshine and rainbows and it is HARD to be strong through it all.  As I walked out the door this morning I thought to myself, "I am so sick of having to be strong."  That thought stopped me in my tracks.  I didn't see it coming.  What led to that thought?!?! I simply walked by the letter from Iowa City.

Tomorrow will be the first day for kiddos in the 2015-2016 school year. It is a new beginning!  I have watched so many people post pictures of their kiddos on their first day of school.  It is crazy to think that if we had gotten pregnant when we had initially intended to we would have a kindergartener this year!!  Seriously!! That really brings this journey into perspective!!! The end of this month will mark 6 years of trying to grow our family.  And hopefully the end of this month will also be a time in which we are creating a new plan for growing our family.  A new plan that takes into account all of the issues that we are facing.

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers!  I am sure I will need them tomorrow!!! :)