Cancelled

I wish I had better news about today's appointment in Iowa City, but I don't.  I wasn't even aware that cancellation was a possibility at a baseline ultrasound appointment.  But, apparently my body has found a new way to be an obnoxious mess!

When we got to the University of Iowa today we were immediately taken back for our baseline ultrasound.  I told the the wonderful ultrasound lady that once again I had bleeding and cramping even though I had been taking the pill every night.  She said that many people have that and said not to worry, but to definitely tell the nurses when they take me to the exam room.  During the ultrasound she told me that my lining had a "menstrual" look to it.  She measured all kinds of things, but my eye was drawn to a couple "dark blobs" that she was measuring.  I have had this done enough times to know that at this stage I should not have blobs like that.  But, I also knew enough to know that if I asked what they were she wouldn't be able to tell me.  When we got to the waiting room to wait for the nurse to call us back I said, "Mike, I want to know what those black blobs were."  He never knows what to look for in the ultrasound images so he had no idea what I was talking about, but assured me that they would let us know.

The nurse called us back to the exam room and "cleaned up my chart" while she waited on word from the doctors.  She called back to confirm with them that what they had found were two large follicles.  Large follicles are not good at this point.  They mean that the birth control did not shut everything down.  They mean that my body was not responding the way it should have to the hormones.  They meant that things were possibly going to be set back.  The nurse told us that the doctor had ordered an estrodial blood test to determine if my estrogen levels were higher than they should be. She said that it was possible that I would need to remain on the birth control longer and that our cycle would be pushed back a bit. She sent us to the labratory and told us that she would call my cell phone in about an hour and fifteen minutes to let us know to come back for the results.

We went to the cafeteria, we wandered around the hospital, we realized that we had no idea what to do for that amount of time.  But, we were thankful that they were looking deeper into the situation.

Right when she said she would, our lovely nurse called and said that my estrogen levels were high and asked us to meet her in waiting room 3.  We got back there and waited.  She came and said that she was waiting on the doctors.  Mike was in the restroom when she came back and got me to go into a consultation room.  She walked in with me and said, "The doctors determined that this cycle has to be cancelled." She left the room to get some more information and I stood in shock.  I was not expecting that.  I text Mike to tell him where I was and he joined me in the room.  I explained what was happening.  He asked what my levels were and I told him that I hadn't even thought to ask at the time.  He told me that this could be a good thing... I just stared at him. 

The nurse came back and sat down with us.  She was very kind and explained that my two large follicles were creating too much estrogen to move forward.  I asked about my estrogen levels and she said that mine was 209 and it had to be below 90 to proceed.  YIKES!! She told me to stop taking the pill right away and to let them know when I truly start my period.  She explained that the doctors would discuss my case at a team meeting and that they would mail me a letter with their next steps. She said that in the mean time we could try naturally.  She saw the look on my face and said, "I know the odds don't look good, but you do have the two big follicles."  I responded with saying that I just didn't understand how any of this could work if I was going off the pill and starting my cycle.  She agreed that the chances were very slim, but encouraged us to try anyway.  Afterall, we will not be in another IVF cycle until February or March...

I asked the nurse if we could try Lupron to suppress the follicles and prepare my body.  She told me that with the small number of follicles that I have they would not want to risk suppression.  It was better to start fresh in another cycle.  I was so confused.  We had used Lupron in a similar situation before (in Rockford).  Did this mean that previously they were simply pushing us through even though my body was not ready?  Did it mean that those embryos didn't really have a chance because my hormones were off?  I was so upset, frustrated, confused.... Not with the University of Iowa, but because I knew what we had been through before and they were saying that those options were not options for us. 

We walked out of the University of Iowa in two completely different states of mind.  Mike was pumped!  He is so excited that they did not move forward.  He said that it showed that they were not just after our money and that they actually wanted to make sure that things were right before moving forward.  He didn't think that waiting was a big deal at all.  He said that it really made him feel good about our decision to go there.  He was impressed that I was able to discuss all of the medications by name with the nurse...  That I was asking lots of questions that made sense.  He said that none of this makes sense to him, but that he can tell that I really understand it and that he saw them taking my questions seriously. 

I, on the other hand, was extremely upset and frustrated.  I didn't say anything at the time, but I think it was because what Mike said was right... I DO get it.  I understand all of this and what is SUPPOSED to happen with my body when they give me various medications.  I understand my cycle and the various things that are happening to my body throughout it.  I know that I should not have two large follicles ready to ovulate on day 24 of my cycle... I ovulate on day 13 almost every cycle... if not it is a day early or a day late.  AND, I was on birth control so I shouldn't have ovulated in the first place.  None of my follicles should have matured.  They should have just stayed dormant.  None of this was making sense to me and I was not in the mood to hear anything that the rational part of my brain already knew.  OF COURSE they were doing the right thing by putting a stop to this cycle, but it wasn't what I wanted and most of all it just didn't seem fair!!! How did my body find yet another way to let me down?  One way that I didn't realize that this cycle could be cancelled and my body found it!  (Last night before we went to bed I had told Mike that I had a nervous feeling that didn't make any sense and it was finally crystal clear.  I could tell that something was wrong... the bleeding and cramping just didn't seem normal. I should have known!)

So while he was excited, I was very quiet.  And poor Mike was trying.  He really was.  He was trying to help me to see how great it was that they were taking a step back.  And I was getting more and more upset.  I was quiet on the way home.  I was quiet while we ate dinner. And Mike continued to try to help me see that this is all part of God's plan for us.  Finally, I told him that I know that it is true, but it isn't easy for me to accept right now.  I told him everything I was thinking.  I told him that he is right, that I do understand the images on the ultrasounds, the language that the doctors and nurses are using, the treatment protocols, and what my body is doing.  I understand it all and that is what makes it so hard.  I know what I am up against.  I know that my egg reserve is limited.  I know that we are battling a clock.  I know that it isn't going to happen over night, but that if this doesn't work in March then it will be June and then we will be looking at insurance renewal or change.  And then who knows if we would be able to proceed or if we would have to wait.  Then if we had to wait we would be looking at about a year from now... the doctor told us at the last appointment that he wasn't worried about 3 months, but a year or 18 months could be a different story as far as my eggs were concerned... So what would we do then?!?!?  All of this is on my mind every day because I understand what the consequences of cancelled and failed cycles are!

We had a good conversation and I told him that I really do understand that what they did today was absolutely the right thing.  I also told him that it just made me sad to know that we would be waiting and then continuing with trial and error until we can find something that works.  I absolutely understand that this is how it has to be, but I don't have to like it!

So, I agreed that it was okay for him to be happy with the outcome.  I told him that I can't help but be sad.  We agreed that it was easier to deal with today then it would have been to lose embryos a month from now.  He reminded me for the millionth time that this is all part of God's plan for us... he really does an amazing job of always keeping that in mind.  We agreed that though the reason isn't currently clear, all of this is happening for a reason.  He says that he truly believes that I am supposed to have this knowledge.  He believes that I am meant to help others by learning through our experiences.  And once again, I think he was right.  When I started this blog it was because I felt that I was truly called to share our story.  Since starting the blog I have received many messages letting me know that our story has helped other people facing similar struggles.  And to be honest, when I hear those things I am thankful for our trials and our journey.  So, I am giving myself permission to be mad and to pout... but I cannot remain stuck in this funk!  I have to start moving forward so that we are ready in February or March!

Thank you for continuing to follow our journey and for supporting us through the good, the bad, and my whiny!! Thank you for your thoughts and prayers and we continue forward. 

Today was definitely unexpected, but it is not the end of our journey!