Today I had my annual exam. I know how much we all LOVE annual exams! ;) Well, I was actually excited to see the nurses who were so helpful to me in the earlier stages of our infertility. They are so caring and truly make me feel that they are cheering for us and praying for us throughout this journey. The sweet nurse of my nurse practitioner gave me a hug and asked me if we had any good news to share. She said that she prays for us and thinks of us often (We have been told that we are kind of celebrities in that office due to my special cases... aka: what a complete mess I am... not sure that is a good thing!!! HAHA!!). She said that she just knows that things will work out for us. She took down all of my new information and was shocked to hear everything my body had been through since I was there one year ago.
I was also excited for this visit because I knew that they had changed the timeline for when you have to have a Pap Smear and this was not supposed to be a year I had to have one. But, bummer... they decided that since I have been on so many meds I needed to have the Pap test just to be safe. So, we took care of that and the rest of the wellness exam and reviewed the status of all of my IVF stuff. (This is my regular gynocologists office, not the reproductive endocrinologist, so they were not up to date on everything that has happened.) She started off by saying that she would recommend that I start getting mammograms at the age of 35 if my insurance will cover it. (I instantly thought of Giuliana Rancic and the fact that they found breast cancer during her infertility treatments... I am glad that this lady is thinking about the all of the side effects that infertility meds can cause. It is not fun to think about, but it is the smart thing to do.) I told her that I would be 34 next month, so I would have to start looking into it next summer. She told me that I look 25 and that compared to people who have gone through much less than I have (treatment wise) she said I look amazing. She said my skin looks fabulous and that she feels that the stress and emotions of all of this are not showing external signs. She said that some people come out of treatment cycles looking extremely rough! I thanked her for that and told her that I wasn't sure I looked that young, but I appreciated the compliments! ;) I said that I guess weight gain as my major side effect wasn't as bad as "looking extremely rough"!!! Once again... silver lining! ;)
I guess it is easy to beat yourself up and forget that your body is really going through the ringer. I read a blog entry last night from a girl who said that she no longer owns a camera due to what infertility treatments have done to her body and the way she looks now. She hasn't had surgeries and scars like I have, but she has also experienced weight gain and I think the hormones have caused some of the "rough" look that my nurse practitioner spoke of. All I could think of is how sad I am for her. She said that she used to love to take pictures and she actually had many pictures from pre-infertility treatments up on her page, but she had none that were anywhere close to current. I admit that I cringe when I see a picture of the new me. I am okay with the everyday life, walking by a mirror and seeing what has happened to my body... but a PICTURE... that is a tough pill to swallow. So, I get it. I understand how she could get to the point that she wouldn't even want a camera around. But, then again, I look pictures from over the last 6 years and I see the various points of our journey. I see times that my hormones were out of wack and I am "ballooned out" and I see times that we were making progress and the balloon has deflated some. It really is all part of this process and it is part of our story. I try to embrace it and shake it off as much as I can, accepting that some days will be easier than others and that someday I will look back at pictures from this time of my life and remember how strong I had to be during this time. Or I will just look back and say WOW! I really ballooned out!! ;) This week I donated 5 bags of clothes to the Strom Center and I already feel better knowing that I don't have the pressure of trying to fit into the various sizes that were in my dresser from the last year. Like I told the nurse practitioner, the week that they had me on NO MEDICATION, absolutely nothing, I lost 6 pounds without changing a single thing in my routine or diet. But, as soon as they added the BCP back to my routine I stopped losing weight immediately and have just stayed right at that point. My body just does not like taking hormones!!!
I was also excited for this visit because I knew that they had changed the timeline for when you have to have a Pap Smear and this was not supposed to be a year I had to have one. But, bummer... they decided that since I have been on so many meds I needed to have the Pap test just to be safe. So, we took care of that and the rest of the wellness exam and reviewed the status of all of my IVF stuff. (This is my regular gynocologists office, not the reproductive endocrinologist, so they were not up to date on everything that has happened.) She started off by saying that she would recommend that I start getting mammograms at the age of 35 if my insurance will cover it. (I instantly thought of Giuliana Rancic and the fact that they found breast cancer during her infertility treatments... I am glad that this lady is thinking about the all of the side effects that infertility meds can cause. It is not fun to think about, but it is the smart thing to do.) I told her that I would be 34 next month, so I would have to start looking into it next summer. She told me that I look 25 and that compared to people who have gone through much less than I have (treatment wise) she said I look amazing. She said my skin looks fabulous and that she feels that the stress and emotions of all of this are not showing external signs. She said that some people come out of treatment cycles looking extremely rough! I thanked her for that and told her that I wasn't sure I looked that young, but I appreciated the compliments! ;) I said that I guess weight gain as my major side effect wasn't as bad as "looking extremely rough"!!! Once again... silver lining! ;)
I guess it is easy to beat yourself up and forget that your body is really going through the ringer. I read a blog entry last night from a girl who said that she no longer owns a camera due to what infertility treatments have done to her body and the way she looks now. She hasn't had surgeries and scars like I have, but she has also experienced weight gain and I think the hormones have caused some of the "rough" look that my nurse practitioner spoke of. All I could think of is how sad I am for her. She said that she used to love to take pictures and she actually had many pictures from pre-infertility treatments up on her page, but she had none that were anywhere close to current. I admit that I cringe when I see a picture of the new me. I am okay with the everyday life, walking by a mirror and seeing what has happened to my body... but a PICTURE... that is a tough pill to swallow. So, I get it. I understand how she could get to the point that she wouldn't even want a camera around. But, then again, I look pictures from over the last 6 years and I see the various points of our journey. I see times that my hormones were out of wack and I am "ballooned out" and I see times that we were making progress and the balloon has deflated some. It really is all part of this process and it is part of our story. I try to embrace it and shake it off as much as I can, accepting that some days will be easier than others and that someday I will look back at pictures from this time of my life and remember how strong I had to be during this time. Or I will just look back and say WOW! I really ballooned out!! ;) This week I donated 5 bags of clothes to the Strom Center and I already feel better knowing that I don't have the pressure of trying to fit into the various sizes that were in my dresser from the last year. Like I told the nurse practitioner, the week that they had me on NO MEDICATION, absolutely nothing, I lost 6 pounds without changing a single thing in my routine or diet. But, as soon as they added the BCP back to my routine I stopped losing weight immediately and have just stayed right at that point. My body just does not like taking hormones!!!
Back to the appointment... Everyone at the office was so kind and told me that they had truly hoped that I would come in with great news. I went through a lot with that office as we discovered my vitamin deficiences and endometriosis. I can tell that they truly care about me and it felt good to know that they have been praying for our journey. The nurse practitioner who completed my exam asked me if I believe in God's perfect plan and I told her that I do, but it doesn't mean that it is easy. She laughed and said that after nearly 6 years and all the treatments we have been through it would be hard for anyone to be strong all the time. She told me that she would continue to pray. She told me that most people would not have made it this far in their journey and still be willing to continue on with it.
Before I left she asked me how I was doing emotionally. I told her that I have found myself going through stages. I said that I am beyond the stage of feeling shame for not being able to get pregnant and the stage of embarassment that my body is not doing what humans are designed to do. Those stages lasted a long time. I told her that I am now at a point in which it is hard, but I realize that I am doing everything I possibly can to try to grow our family. I told her that it is really hard for me to be AS hopeful as I was in the begining because it is just too hard to get that disappointing call and to mourn the loss of those embryos. We talked about the fact that I have lost 6 embryos and how that can effect a person. We talked about my desire to find a new protocol so that we do not continue the insanity of repeatedly attempting the same protocols. We talked about adoption and the fact that the private adoption sites that I looked at had a requirement that we would be finished with fertility treatments if we started the adoption process. We talked about why they have that requirement and the fact that I completely understood why that policy existed. We also talked about the fact that I am just not ready to give up yet and that I don't feel "called" to adopt yet. It was so nice that she was empathetic and asked questions that she truly wanted to know the answers to without passing judgement. And it was nice that she had a true understanding of the logistics of all of this and the fact that none of this is as easy as it sounds or seems.
They were very surprised by the fact that my current specialist took me off of all of my supplements that were being used to regulate my iron, ferritin, vitamin D, and vitamin B levels. I explained that he doesn't believe in those deficiencies causing difficulties with fertility and that he doesn't believe in high natural killer cells or insulin resistance causing issues either. Hopefully a different facility will address those issues.
Now I wait a couple weeks to get the results. Hopefully we find that everything is still perfectly fine and that there are no new concerns.
Thank you for your continued support as we continue through this journey!! I am blessed with a great support system! :)
They were very surprised by the fact that my current specialist took me off of all of my supplements that were being used to regulate my iron, ferritin, vitamin D, and vitamin B levels. I explained that he doesn't believe in those deficiencies causing difficulties with fertility and that he doesn't believe in high natural killer cells or insulin resistance causing issues either. Hopefully a different facility will address those issues.
Now I wait a couple weeks to get the results. Hopefully we find that everything is still perfectly fine and that there are no new concerns.
Thank you for your continued support as we continue through this journey!! I am blessed with a great support system! :)
No comments:
Post a Comment