The list continued!!

On a post a few days ago I listed the top five reasons why I thought I was pregnant!  Anyone who has experienced infertility for any length of time understands the monthly list of "symptoms" that we all feel.  It is RIDICULOUS, but it is our life line.. it is our hope!  So, my list continues.  I think my previous list was something like this:

1. Tender and painful breasts.

2. Craving soup like crazy! 

3. Bloating!!!

4. Cramping

5. Heartburn! 

Well, I must say that these have all continued and that they are increasing in intensity! HAHA!! I have also added exhaustion to the list.  Exhaustion in multiple ways:

1.  Just super tired.  

2. Mental exhaustion... thinking is just SOO hard!! ;)

3. I am a weakling!! I have tired muscles!! Carrying things makes me exhausted!! Today Mike and I were carrying a heavy piece of furniture and I thought it would be the death of me! Seriously... I carried it and loaded it into my car with the help of another woman.  Then Mike I managed to get it out of my car and into my house without a problem about a month ago.  But today when we were trying to put it in the location it will live in our home I was DYING! I told Mike that I really didn't think I could continue carrying it.  It was THAT bad.  Then I was helping him with a piece that I carried into the house all on my own.  That almost did me in, too!! JEESH!!! 

4.  Tired of breathing hard from things that shouldn't make me so tired!! Like carrying the furniture! 

5.  Tired of people's crap!! HAHAH!! This is a funny one to me because it sounds worse than it is... I just find that I have a low tolerance recently.  I feel like my "That is total crap!!" radar is on high alert recently and I wish I had an off button for it! It is easier when I just smile and nod without feeling the need to say "Stop lying!!"  when people are talking.  Thankfully I feel like my filter is working fairly well.  I hope it doesn't get tired, too!! HAHAH!! 

So, those are the new reasons that I feel that I am expecting...  These could totally happen to any sleep deprived person... I realize that!! And I realize that I am not sleeping well because my rump hurts and it is VERY colorful from all of the bruising that has occurred over the last 7 days of injections.  So most likely these are true signs of sleep depravation, but like I said my friends with infertility will totally understand... it is SOOOO much easier to face each month of trying with hopefulness than it is to go through with sadness.  So I will blame the excess gas on pregnancy instead of the Mexican food I ate.  And I will blame my chubby belly on bloating instead of the DQ that Mike and I enjoyed!! HAHAHHA!! ! Okay, you caught me... I didn't eat Mexican tonight... it must be a symptom!!!! ;)

Thanks again for following.  Thanks for all of your prayers.  Thanks for understanding that my light hearted way of approaching all of this (at times) is what helps keep me just this side of insanity!! ;) 

Have a wonderful holiday weekend!! Though this weekend marks 5 years that we have been trying to grow our family and therefore has a significance to me that isn't so fabulous, I am thankful for a three day weekend to catch up on school work that I am already behind on and for time to spend with family and friends!! I have already hung out with my sis Jaclyn, Mike's parents, and his uncle Paul.  AND I will get to celebrate at a wedding reception of an amazing couple tomorrow night!  Sounds like a great weekend to me!!  

Mike is a Rock Star!

Cousin Sara was fabulous enough to do my shot again last night so that Mike could see it done.  Tonight he did the shot solo here at home.  Both of them were fabulous and did not hurt me at all.  The medicine itself and the bruises are painful, but I am so thankful that both of them were able to give me the shots without more than a pinch of pain!!!
I think both Mike and I were nervous leading up to the shot. He remained nervous because he didn't want to hurt me, but my nerves were gone at that point.  I was just proud of Mike for going through with it.  What a champ!  Neither of us are a fan of needles, but we have both had to move past that during this process because of the large number of injections involved.  It is one thing to have to watch it, but it is another thing to actually complete the injection and I am so proud to have a husband who is willing to move beyond phobias for the mere chance at growing our family.  We have been through a lot in the nearly 11 years that we have been together, but I am thankful that we continue to pull together and face these challenges as a team.  It makes getting up and facing each day a lot easier to know that he is right here with me!

A couple things before I end this...
1.  I am seriously concerned about doing this for 10 weeks... my rump is already SO bruised.  I don't know how we will have places to do this after a few more days! ;)
2.  I was really trying to keep myself from being overly optimistic, but I will give you the reasons I have come up with that I am ABSOLUTELY pregnant:
     Reason 1:  My ladies are screaming in tenderness and pain.  They are also larger today.  That SCREAMS pregnant!! ;)
     Reason 2:  Last night I was craving soup to the point that we went out to Petey's so that I could take care of the craving.  While eating the soup I accidentally ate a cooked carrot and I ENJOYED it! I then finished the whole bowl of soup without picking out ANY of the random, weird vegetables (celery, carrots, and who knows what else!)!!! Hello!!! Craving and eating random foods... who craves soup on the hottest freaking day of the year??!?!! The answer is obvious... a pregnant woman!!! P.S.  I am craving soup again this evening!
     Reason 3: Bloating!  Yep... bloating and heartburn for no apparent reason.  Need I say more?!?!
     Reason 4: Cramping - It is too early for regular cramps and I keep getting random uterus cramps.  I am just certain that there is a little embryo trying to make itself cozy in my uterine wall.  Luckily I am being a good patient and putting up with the rump injections of progesterone to make that home safe and cozy!! ;)
     Reason 5: I have heartburn right now!  I know I already said that, but it is really annoying so I thought I would mention it again!!! ;)

So, this could be like the gazillion times that I thought I was pregnant over the past 64 cycles OR cycle #65 could be the lucky cycle!!! After all... the follicle was Lucky 13mm!!! And, for anyone who knows the Cahills, 13 is the luckiest number!!! :)

Thank you for continuing to support us!   Our blog has reached just shy of 2,500 views from 4 countries!  What an amazing reminder of the number of people who continue to cheer us on daily!!! We are so very blessed!  :)

Rump Shot #1

I survived the first shot in the rump!!!

Mike had to work tonight so I had to find a replacement for him.  Cousin Sara saved the day!!! And, she was a rock star!  The shot didn't hurt.  I started to have some muscle pain in the rump area after that and it has continued since the shot.  I went for a walk when I got home which really seemed to help!  I will definitely have to keep that in mind for the future! I am now on my other side on the couch and plan to head to bed soon.  Hopefully I don't roll over and hurt myself tonight!

Thanks for all of your thoughts and prayers.  Though this isn't fun or easy, like everything else that is involved in all of this, it will be worth it if we end up with a baby!! :)

Have a fabulous week

Friday's IUI

Yesterday's IUI procedure seemed to go well.  We arrived for Mike's portion of the day at 8:15 a.m., went to Bob Evans for breakfast, and went back to my appointment at 9:30.  The first thing they said was check your names and birth dates and then they said "Well, the sperm look good!".  I couldn't help but chuckle.  There are some things that I just never expected to become normal in my life, that is one of them! ;)

The procedure seemed to go well.  I had minimal cramping.  They said that they preferred that I didn't take any Advil or anything because I would be ovulating soon.  I told them that the cramping was nothing compared to the pain that I am used to. Then they pulled an extension out of the table and told me to relax. The nurse handed me a form and said that I needed to take it to a local hospital for a blood test to see if the IUI was successful.  We have no further appointments with the specialist at this time.  Then, the doctor, med student, and nurse all left the room and Mike and I realized that we had NO idea what we were doing!  HAHAH!! There was a timer ticking, but they hadn't mentioned anything about it.  The timer was SO loud.  We just kept looking at each other and laughing about the fact that we were just left with no instructions other then "no Advil" and "get a blood test"! The timer finally went off after what seemed like forever, but the ticking continued.  We began to wonder if we were really done or if that was just a midpoint or something.  So, I sent Mike to find out... I heard him say to the doctor and nurses that he had a question.  The doctor replied, "Does it have to be me that answers it?" in a serious voice.  Mike said, "Anyone who has the answer can answer it!"  Then, he asked them what we were supposed to do now that the timer went off.  The nurse said, "You can leave."  Have I mentioned before that this place isn't quite as personable as the previous facility!!! I know they were SUPER busy that day, but I felt like we were kind of an inconvenience.  Then, we were leaving and I stopped to ask the nurse what our next step was toward and October IVF cycle.  She seemed very surprised.  She said, "Oh, you are interested in trying again in October?"  I guess she was surprised that I wanted to try again because the injections were not at all effective and we were on the highest dosage.  I said that the doctor had mentioned that we could try again with a new protocol and that we were interested in that.  She said that we could do that if we wanted to, but if we wanted to talk to him first it would be pretty difficult because he will be out of the country for the month of September.  She then said that if I have a negative blood test in September I will start birth control again in preparation of the October cycle.  Mike and I left feeling that the experience was strange!
After an uncomfortable drive home I slept for 3 hours!  When I woke up the cramping was much worse.  I suspect that it was due to ovulation and the huge cyst that had formed.  Today I have had some light cramping, but nothing terrible.  It just comes and goes.  I have read in a lot of places on-line that cramping can be a good sign!  I have also read that it can be a bad sign... you know how Google is!! ;)  For now I just have to be hopeful that all will turn out well!

My feelings now:
After having the IUI completed I felt very strange.  I felt that, other than the injections that were done as my protocol for IVF, the procedure seemed very similar to what we have been doing for a LONG time by using ovulation prediction tests, except for very clinical!  Mike pointed out that it this COULD work better because it is possible that my crazy cervix isn't allowing his sperm to get to where they need to be.  He is right, it does allow us to move past that obstacle, but it still seems like such a small chance considering what the doctors have said.  Regardless, I feel like this will be easier on me emotionally because it is just like the other cycles that have failed.  Not to say that those were easy, but IUI does not involve an embryo that has already been created like IVF does, so it won't be the same type of loss.  It is crazy to think that this is the 65th cycle since we started trying to start our family.  That is INSANE!!! 65 cycles!!

So, now we wait and see.  We pray that things are going well and that somehow one of my eggs made it through all of the obstacles that we have been told about and has met up with one of Mike's "good looking sperm"!!  We pray that all of the risks and situations that were mentioned by the previous doctors are not issues!  I have been told that negative thinking is horrible for my body.  I recognize that and I am REALLY trying to stay positive.  I just feel like I can never let myself reach the level of optimism that I had in June.  It was way to hard to recover from that disappointment.  I felt like someone ripped my heart out  and stomped on it repeatedly before running it over with a truck.  In so many ways, I am still recovering from that disappointment.

Finally, I will leave you with some thoughts from today.  Today Mike and I attended my Aunt Barb's funeral.  She would have been 80 this year and she had battled cancer for the past 4 years.  Her service was BEAUTIFUL.  Her children, Bruce and Jeff spoke so highly of her.  They talked about how important the "4 F's" were to her: faith, family, friends, and fun.  I honestly don't know if I have been to a funeral that made me feel so much joy for a person's life!  What an honor and testament to the way that she lived.
The service really made me think of my life and the changes that have occurred over the last several years.  Faith:  Since moving to Monmouth I have yet to find a church home.  One where I can join a small group like I did in Macomb, one where I can be a part of ministries, one where I can both comfort and find comfort, one where both Mike and I could feel comfortable worshiping.  I have tried.  I have attended many places and though many were great, they just didn't feel like home.  Family:  This one is tricky... Mike and I are so blessed.  I feel thankful that we are close to our families and that we are able to see them often.  I love my niece and nephew and I am excited to welcome another nephew and Baby Kulow in the coming months.  But the problem is that this piece has a huge hole in it.  A hole that it is so hard for me to imagine filling in any other way than having children.  I realize that there are many people who live fulfilling lives without having children.  This is just an area of my life that will have to change if we determine that growing our family just isn't in the cards for us.  Friends: I have amazing people in my life who have been so supportive.  I am truly blessed in this area.  Since we have moved it is so hard to accept that many relationships that are so important to me have had to change.  I feel like there are so many things that get in the way of seeing people that we care about.  I think part of it is that Mike works every weekend and part of it is that I just need to try harder.  I also feel like there are a lot of things that I allow to get in the way of things that are important to me.  I think I need to work on saying no to things that really aren't important to me so that I have time for things that are.  Fun: I think this fits in with the things I just said about friends.  I have been trying to do things such as crochet, sew, and paint but those things aren't really "fun" for me as much as they are things that allow me to feel a sense of accomplishment. Accomplishment has been very important to me during this time that I feel so much failure.  But, accomplishment isn't enough.  I really need to work on doing things that bring more "fun" into my life!
So, those are the "4 F's" of my life right now.  It appears that I have some major work to do!  Maybe that is part of what I must accomplish before our family can grow.  Maybe I am just overthinking it! ;)
Have a wonderful weekend.  Tomorrow night I start the painful shots in the rump! :(

Thank you!

Thank you!  It is so heartwarming to know that so many people are lifting Mike and I up in prayer.  Your support and encouragement helps me to face each day with a smile.  I am not going to lie, some days it is really hard, but I think of all of you that are praying for us and constantly cheering for us and it keeps me going!  I am also thankful to be busy in a "normal" way instead of busy hounding the insurance company!! Seeing the faces of my kiddos at school brightens my day!  Now that I am back at school it is very apparent that I had a one track mind this summer.  At the end of the school day I almost feel guilty that I am not thinking about all things infertility like I did all summer long.  I know I was making Mike crazy because I was hyper-focused on the situation.  I didn't realize how much it was hurting me though.  How much infertility began to DEFINE me.  I recognize that it isn't healthy to be that hyper-focused on anything... which is why I tried crocheting, sewing, painting, watching every season of Parenthood from the pilot to the season that is about to start, etc...  Unfortunately most projects became focused on practicing so that by the time we had a baby I would be a pro!  And watching so many episodes of a t.v. show in a row made me feel like a HUGE LOSER!!! Not exactly the relaxation I needed.  Reading, which I used to LOVE, is a hobby of my past.  I have been working on "The Storyteller" for all of 2014 and though it is a great book I am so distracted that I keep having to reread.  I find myself drifting off and getting lost in my thoughts and realizing that I have read the words and turned the pages, but I haven't comprehended a single word.

So, as we face our IUI attempt tomorrow I am going to be hopeful.  I am going to visualize success.  And I am going to do my best to not cry through the shots that they told me are going to be very painful! Then, I am going to try to diversify focus in my life.  I am not infertility.  I can't let who I am get lost in this situation.  If I am being honest, I feel like I have done an amazing job of this externally.  I work hard to put on a brave face, be supportive of others, and get things done.  Internally I am struggling more.  I don't have a "Why me?" attitude, but I definitely feel trapped by this.  Instead of why me I think I frequently ask myself, "If I am not going to be a momma, what am I going to be?"  And I think the major problem is that I don't really know... I didn't really have back up plans.  Having babies is such a natural thing.  People spend lots of money trying to prevent it every day... that is how natural it is, people have to prevent it! Those are the things that make me sad and, for lack of better terms, feel like less.  Moving forward I need to find things that help me to feel like I am living life again instead of going through the motions.  So, that is my new plan.  We will see how that goes! ;)

Thank you again for all of your suport.  I am sure that there will not be as many updates after tomorrow because we will not have the crazy appointment schedule that we have had over the last couple weeks.  I might be updating about the shots and seeking out support and ideas for the pain... although Mike seems to think that my large rump will help me not to feel the shots as much! ;)  (He really is a great guy!  Honestly!!!) Then, I think we just wait.  Wait and hope that somehow an egg makes it to my uterus.  My poor Fallopian tubes are so worn out and frayed, but hopefully all the stimulants I have been injecting gave them a little pep!! :) AND, we have been told several times that my lining looks PERFECT, so if somehow an egg makes it and an embryo is formed I am happy to know that it will have a nice, cozy home for the next 9 months!!! I just have to remember that miracles happen EVERY DAY!!! And, that all things will happen in God's perfect timing.  You are all amazing and I appreciate you more than I can ever say!
I better get to bed! Tomorrow is a big day!! :)

Cancelled

Unfortunately we found out that we do not have enough follicles to move forward with the IVF cycle.  We only have one follicle that is maturing and I have a large cyst that is continuing to grow.  The visit went very quickly.  There were two med students in the room while they completed the exam.  The doctor measured the follicle, looked around with the probe, and stated that there were not enough follicles to go through retrieval.  I asked what that meant and he stated that he felt we should cancel the cycle.  He said that we need to do the trigger shot tonight to force ovulation.  He suggested that we go ahead and attempt artificial insemination (IUI) on Friday because then we aren't just giving up and wasting the large amount of money we spent on injections, we are at least attempting something. I understand why he said that, but I am thinking more of the emotional and physical aspects of this situation.  I recognize that we spent a lot of money to be able to do these injections.  But, I have also been told by several people that IUI is not an option for me due to the high risk of ectopic pregnancy. I mentioned to the specialist because it is a major concern of mine.  He said, that it is still a high risk, but he can just remove it if needed.  He then stated that he just removed an ectopic pregnancy last night.  This was not what I wanted to hear.  The physical and emotional impact of that situation are a huge concern to me!  In the end we decided to go ahead and attempt the IUI even with the risks and knowing that there was basically no chance of success.  I feel like I would always wonder if it could have worked if I don't do it.
So, tonight I will have my trigger shot at 10 p.m.  I will then take the day off on Friday so that we can be in Peoria by 8:15 a.m.  My IUI procedure will be at 9:30 a.m.  I wish I had a small glimmer of hope shining through that this procedure will be successful, but I have heard so many times that it isn't an option that I just can't get excited.  Of course I would be ecstatic if it actually worked, but at this point I think I am just praying that I get through these things safely.
I asked the specialist what we do next.  He said we will meet again in October and he will revise my protocol because it did not work this time.  He then said, 'Unless the IUI happens to work."  So, we will see.  I can't believe we are once again playing the waiting game.  It makes me so frustrated!
I feel like it is another slap in the face, showing that the change in insurance really screwed up my life.  18 total follicles in June.  1 that was measurable today.  It is so difficult to keep the bitterness at bay.
Thank you to everyone who has supported me throughout this process.  I am bruised, I am sore, but I will persevere.  And, I will continue to put a smile on my face and show those kiddos love.  That is what I do! ;)

8/19/14

Well, I have a SHOCKING revelation to fill you in on... regardless of how late you stay up to avoid the injections that must take place at 7 in the morning, 7 a.m. still arrives at the exact same time!!! Needless to say I am a little tired today from avoiding sleep! ;)  Thankfully when I woke up the bitterness had left the building! No, I have not forgotten the things that angered me, but holding on to that is only hurting me!

We have completed 3 maximum dosages of the medication and we also started the new medication.  We will continue with both of those things tomorrow and then hopefully they will have better results for us.  And if they don't, I hope that I am able to accept the results and move forward with a positive attitude.

I am thankful for the number of people who have reached out to me and blessed me with so much kindness.  Several of you are facing trials so much larger than ours and it humbles me to know that we are in your thoughts and prayers!

I hope that the "13" is a lucky follicle and that it is getting nice and fat!! :)  I would be ecstatic if other follicles decided to be lucky, too!! ;)
For now I am just going to focus on the excitement of tomorrow being the first day of the 2014-2015 school year!! I just know that it is going to be an AWESOME school year!! :)