I have had horrible anxiety today. I am so afraid that I will start bleeding before we can implant the embryos. I am supposed to call right away if this happens because they will thaw the embryos tomorrow morning. Crazy fact: it takes less than an hour to thaw the embryos! Who knew it was that quick!?!?! I know that the anxiety is not helping my body and that it could actually cause me to start bleeding, but it is so hard to stay calm. This morning I was having a full blown panic attack. My chest felt like it was going to explode and I felt like I couldn't breath. It was terrible, but definitely not the worst I have had.
I am thankful that I was able to get some things done at school today. Now I am going to see if a nice shower will calm me down and then I am going to do a little cleaning before we hit the road for Rockford... hmm... I guess I should probably pack, too!!! ;)
Have a great day and thank you for your continued support and prayers!!
Monday, January 19, 2015
Sunday, January 18, 2015
Friday's appointment
Friday's appointment went very well. We are cleared to go to Rockford for Tuesday's embryo transfer as long as I don't have any additional bleeding! We had Dr. S. instead of Dr. G on Friday, which I thought was good because Dr. S. will be doing Tuesday's procedure. The strange thing is that like Dr. G., Dr. S. cannot explain the bleeding. He asked several times if I was sure about the bleeding... not in a condescending way, but in an "I have no explanation" type of way. He said that my lining looks beautful and that it shouldn't after what I described. He said that he has never seen anything like this before and he said that he doesn't want me to believe that it was my lining. He said it had to be some other type of bleeding. Mike's response, "Maybe someday they will determine what species you are!" I can't even count the number of times that they have told me that things that happened to me have "never been seen before". I think I would be more shocked if they told me that something was completely normal! ;)
So, we will leave tomorrow for Rockford, making a stop in DeKalb to visit the Schroeders! Then we will stay at the hotel and head over to Reproductive Health at 10:30 for an 11:00 a.m. transfer. Our hope is to transfer 2 embryos on Tuesday. We have a plan to start by thawing vial #1 first, which contains a B embryo and a C embryo. If both of them survive the thaw they will implant them. If only one makes it they will thaw the single B embryo in vial #3 and hope that it survives the thaw so that we have 2 embryos to implant. If neither embryo from vial #1 survives we will thaw vial #2 which contains a B embryo and a C embryo. My other option was to thaw all 5 embryos and let them culture to blastocysts and implant the strongest embryos. I elected not to do that because I have been told that it is possible that the embryos have a better shot of surviving in their natural environment (my uterus) than they do culturing.
After the transfer I will have bedrest until Thursday morning. Then I will have restricts which will prevent me from lifting, exercising, sudden movements, etc. It is so interesting to me how different the beginning of an IVF pregnancy is than the beginning of a natural pregnancy, but I believe that it is due to the fact that the pregnancy is being supported by injested hormones instead of natural hormones. Hopefully we will find out early to mid February whether we have a new little Valentine/Valentines to celebrate!! :)
Thank you for your continued support! I appreciate everyone who has checked in with me to see how Friday went and everyone who has continued to pray for us and has kept us in their thoughts regularly!! Now I am off to visit Mike's cousin so she can give me my progesterone injection! :) I appreciate her help SO much when Mike is working! :)
Have a great night!
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
1/12/15 appointment
Well, the wait continues. We have an appointment set for Friday to determine if we will be able to implant on Tuesday. We went to the appointment yesterday and the doctor initially said that my lining looked beautiful. I was SHOCKED!!! I said, "Really?!?!?! Even after all of the bleeding and clotting that I had?" At that point he looked at me like he had no idea what I was talking about and I realized that yet again he didn't realize who I was. So, I told him that I had been bleeding heavily and that he had prescribed oral estrogen to be added to my protocol. He said, "Oh, you're that person." YEP!!! That's me! (That is exactly what I said actually!) I am THAT person. UGH!!!!! Is it too much to ask for the man to look at my chart before coming in and doing the internal sonogram?!?!? Seriously?!?!? I realize that this is not HIS journey, but this has been over 5 years of my life and I wish that he was the tiniest bit invested in it... too much to ask?!?!? I don't think so, but maybe it is... So, at that point he said that though my lining looks beautiful he does not know if it is growing or thinning, so I have to go back on Friday to "assure that the bleeding is behind us". At that point they will let me know if we are good to go. Hopefully things will work out so that we can move forward. Not only am I anxious to keep this process moving, we had to order our progesterone and it only has a 30 day stability. So, if the cycle is cancelled our meds will expire before we are able to try again. AND, once again we were denied insurance coverage for the progesterone. GRRR!!! I was in a meeting when they called to let us know that it was denied, so by the time I found out what was going on it was too late to call the insurance company and we had to make a decision. We decided to pay out of pocket so that we are prepared in the event that we get to move forward. I hope to be able to get ahold of someone there and find out 1. why they didn't cover it... and 2. why they told a representative from my school that it would be covered after I posted about the previous denial in a blog post and why they said that the previous denial was a mistake due to a coding error by the pharmacy... I cannot believe the nightmare that this has continued to be! It really shouldn't be this hard... the process is hard enough without all of this additional crap!!! In the grand scheme of things the cost of this medication is minimal compared to what we have shelled out since June, but it is just the principle of the whole thing that frustrates me to no end. I feel like I have had the run around since June 1 and it gets old. (I told myself that I was going to try to be more patient with them in the new year... that didn't last long!!!)
So, the next step is to keep up with the new protocol and to pray that the lining continues to grow beautifully. (I saw the ultrasound and it really did look awesome... so hopefully it was growing and not shedding! It looks like a cozy home for the babes that are frozen up in Rockford!!) Thankfully I know that my school kiddos are in excellent hands and that my plans will be well executed by wonderful people when I am gone! It is so reassuring to know that we have amazing substitutes to cover when we have to be gone! :)
Thank you for your continued support!! Prayers and good thoughts for a successful appointment on Friday would be much appreciated!!
So, the next step is to keep up with the new protocol and to pray that the lining continues to grow beautifully. (I saw the ultrasound and it really did look awesome... so hopefully it was growing and not shedding! It looks like a cozy home for the babes that are frozen up in Rockford!!) Thankfully I know that my school kiddos are in excellent hands and that my plans will be well executed by wonderful people when I am gone! It is so reassuring to know that we have amazing substitutes to cover when we have to be gone! :)
Thank you for your continued support!! Prayers and good thoughts for a successful appointment on Friday would be much appreciated!!
Friday, January 9, 2015
AGAIN?!?!??!
I would have to be crazy to think that we could make it through a cycle without a hitch... the beginning of this cycle started with me feeling really sick and having a rough time, so I thought that maybe that would be the rough patch, but unfortunately it wasn't. Last Friday I started spotting and after it continued through the weekend I called my specialist's office on Monday. When they called back I was shocked to hear that it was normal and that my body was responding the way that it should!! WOOHOO!!! How exciting!! The spotting continued and I didn't get alarmed until today when I felt terrible after my morning injection. I was dizzy and the injection itself was pretty painful. I had a hard time getting my estrogen patches changed because I was so dizzy that I had to recline on the couch between each of the 4 patches. I decided to try to go back to bed to see how I felt when I woke up. After my snooze I was still feeling exhausted, but no longer dizzy. Then, instead of spotting, the bleeding intensified. I called the specialist again to see what was going on. They said that I need to start taking oral estrogen along with the estrogen patches to see if that will help the situation. They told me to definitely start taking the medication tonight and we will see what is going on with my lining on Monday at my appointment. Hopefully the addition of this medication twice daily will help to get my lining to the point it needs to be at. I really don't understand why my body doesn't like to absorb gels or things from patches, but this is getting a bit ridiculous. I can't imagine that this cycle will remain on schedule after the way my body has responded, but I hope that the new medication sends us in the right direction. I am so glad that I trusted my instincts and determined that this was not normal. Before Mike left for work I was talking to him about the fact that I hate calling and bothering the doctor's office, but I also feel like every time I call it turns out to be something that is legitimately wrong. The lady at the office was very nice and told me that I shouldn't ever hesitate to call... I just wish that things would start going right at some point so that I didn't have to!
Tomorrow is my sister's Iowa baby shower. Hopefully these new meds kick in and help me to feel a lot better so that I am up for the long drive. There is no way that I would have been able to make the trip if it was today. I am so thankful that this has been a week of "snow days" so that I could feel icky at home instead of at school! It really stinks to feel SO crappy and have nothing to show for it except for a HUGE list of scary risks and side effects that all of these medications have on their pamphlets. I keep telling myself that someday I will understand the timing of all of this. And someday I will understand why we had to jump through all of these hoops. But, right now, this journey is just really frustrating!! So, now I will go back to binge watching Revenge and making adorable things for my niece - Baby K!!
Have a great weekend! I will update after Monday's appointment. Prayers that my lining will miraculously be beautiful and ready for embryos on the 20th!! As always, thank you for your support!
Tomorrow is my sister's Iowa baby shower. Hopefully these new meds kick in and help me to feel a lot better so that I am up for the long drive. There is no way that I would have been able to make the trip if it was today. I am so thankful that this has been a week of "snow days" so that I could feel icky at home instead of at school! It really stinks to feel SO crappy and have nothing to show for it except for a HUGE list of scary risks and side effects that all of these medications have on their pamphlets. I keep telling myself that someday I will understand the timing of all of this. And someday I will understand why we had to jump through all of these hoops. But, right now, this journey is just really frustrating!! So, now I will go back to binge watching Revenge and making adorable things for my niece - Baby K!!
Have a great weekend! I will update after Monday's appointment. Prayers that my lining will miraculously be beautiful and ready for embryos on the 20th!! As always, thank you for your support!
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
New Year's Eve
I didn't get a chance to give an update after Monday's appointment because I went on a little shopping adventure with my mom afterward. Mike's Christmas gift to me was a list of things he has heard me mention that I need over the course of the last year that he didn't feel comfortable picking out for me and money to pick the things out myself. It was a great gift because I totally understand why he would not want to try to pick things out for me and it was obvious that he was paying attention... there were even things I had forgotten that I needed on the list! Unfortunately I didn't find anything on the trip, EXCEPT for two amazingly comfy blankets and a few of the essentials that I have put off (seriously... why do razor blades cost SOOO much?!?!?). The theory behind the blankets was that they would help to cure the insomnia that has been occuring in my house. Yes, sadly I am not the only one have issues with insomnia. Actually, Mike doesn't have insomnia... he is just sleeping when most people are awake and awake when most people are asleep. I still feel badly for him that his sleep is a mess, so I stocked up on lots of nuts, dairy, lettuce, cherry juice, and other things that were on the list of food items that will help you sleep AND I got new cozy blankets!!! :)
So, the appointment: I took in the extra meds progesterone oil and gel that were sitting around the house to donate. I am definitely not using either of those meds again, so someone else might as well benefit from them. They are expensive and they shouldn't just expire at our house! Then I was told to head back to the ultrasound room and "get myself ready" while they finish up with another patient. The strange thing was that I never saw nor heard the other patient. Super weird. Anyway... The internal sonogram went exactly the way I had hoped. My uterus looked good and I had no cycts. I am in the menopausal state that they want me in and I am just supposed to continue my current protocol until January 3rd. At that point I will begin the Vivelle Dots (estrogen patches). I will go back to see them on January 12th to see if my lining is responding properly to the meds. If things look good we will go to Rockford on January 19th for a January 20th implantation. If not, I will have to go back later that week and things will be pushed back if necessary. Then, the doctor said I had to fill out paperwork and make some decisions. I totally wasn't expecting that!!! Of course we would need to make decisions at the only appointment that Mike was unable to attend!!!! Murphy's law!! The decisions I had to make were regarding thawing our embryos and though I was stressed that Mike wasn't there during this big decision I also felt certain that I was making the decision that we would have made together. So, we are thawing vial 1 which has a 7 cell - B and a 4 cell - C. If both of those embryos survive the thaw we will implant both. If one does not make it we will thaw vial 3 which contains a 9 cell - B. We did not talk about what we would do if neither embryo from vial 1 makes the thaw, but I am assuming that we would then thaw vial 2 and follow the same plan with those embryos. I decided that we would not thaw all of the embryos and culture them until Day 5 due to something that I was told by a nurse months ago when we were still with the other facility. She said that some embryos that would not survive in the petri dish are able to thrive in the natural setting of it's mother's uterus. So, knowing that, I just think it will be best if we give our babies a chance to be fighters... Those C embryos need the opportunity to thrive and beat the odds so that I can continue to advocate that they should not be disposed of!!! (If you are someone who has had to make the choice to discard C embryos please do not see this as a judgement of you. After hearing the story of my friend's Grade C embryos taking and becoming such AMAZING human beings it is simply a stance I feel that I have to take. I understand that everyone has to make their own decisions and that money is a huge factor in this process as well (freezing embryos, embryo storage, and thawing embryos are not covered by any insurance companies, so the decision to freeze embryos can be an expensive decision.) So, that was my decision and when I called Mike to reassure myself that I did the right thing he didn't answer because he was busy at work... SO, that quickly became OUR decision! HAHA!! ;) When I talked to him that evening he assured me that I did exactly what I should have. Then the lady told me that Mike HAD to be at the next appointment so that she could witness him signing the paperwork or we could not move forward... At this point I can only laugh because I had told him that I knew he was busy with work and that I would be okay to go on my own and then shop with my mom... Of ALL DAYS!! HAHAH!! Oops!!! At least we have a second chance on the 12th to get all of this done!!!
Back to the blanket... i.e. My proposed cure to my insomnia!!!! The first night with the new blanket I feel asleep RIGHT AWAY!!! Victory!! Then, I woke up completely refreshed TWENTY MINUTES LATER!!! Yep, 20 minutes later... GRR!!!! I continued to sleep in short incriments like that throughout the night. Then, I was super grogy for my injections and ended up giving it to myself in an area I had an allergic reaction last week. :( It hurt and it bled... but I can't use bandaids!!! UGH!!! I used gauze and paper tape to solve the problem and I pouted!!! Yep, I pouted because I was frustrated! Then, I went back up and cuddled in my new blanket for 20 minutes before I realized that I was NOT going to fall back to sleep. FAIL!!! ;)
Last night I did not get to bed very early, but the new blanket was fabulous and I was able to sleep for nearly 5 consecutive hours before my shot!!! WOOHOO!!! That used to be enough to make me feel extremely refreshed, but these meds are making me a little (okay, a lot!!!) more sleep dependent, so I am going to have to start getting to bed earlier in order to not live in a fog!! This mornings injection was textbook!!! I honestly finished it and thought, "Wow!! That is exactly how I wish that every morning went!!" It doesn't appear that it is going to bruise, I didn't have to battle with the gauze and paper tape, I didn't have any pouting afterwards!!!! WOOHOO!!! In celebration I cut up some french bread, buttered it up, threw some cinnamon and sugar on it, and popped it in the oven! DELICIOUS!!!!
As I sit here enjoying my delicious breakfast I can't help but reflect on 2014. What. A. Year. I had extremely high hopes for this year and maybe that is why it has been such a bummer. So, for the year 2015 I am not going to set myself up for failure by telling myself that THIS is going to be our year... I am sure that sounds negative to many of you, but for my supporters who have experienced infertility I know that you understand (and I am sure that many of you who haven't experienced infertility can relate as well!). You put so much pressure on yourself and you build up SOOOO much hope that you fall into such a deep, deep low when things are not successful! It only makes it worse that whenever you meet someone it is a natural ice breaker for people to ask if we have children. It is so crazy that such a simple question can be so painful AND can make you feel less. Especially when I just respond with a no and the person then tells me all of the reasons why I should definitely have kiddos now and why it is so rewarding and fabulous. Knife. To. The. Heart. Or, the holiday gatherings in which you are around mixed company, some people that know me and know my story and others who have no idea that they are going to make me want to crawl in a hole and not resurface EVER. The people who know that I just need to RELAX and a family will come or who just won't give up their argument that we will never be READY for kids and that if we wait until we are ready it will never happen. WOW! I had forgotten how hard the holiday season is. The times when you are truly happy to see the joy in the children of your friends and family, yet you feel the hole in your heart ripping wider and wider! One small thing that helped me this week was that I looked back at some "older" posts from some infertility blogs that I follow. The blogs are of people who have been successful and therefore they are SUPER positive. I often beat myself up for my feelings due to their positive outlooks, but I follow them in order to remind myself that miracles DO happen. As I was looking through the older posts I found some entries from the holiday before these people found out they were expecting... all I could think was SEE... you were once human, too!!!! Once upon a time you also felt like there was a giant hole in your heart. You once dreaded events because by not talking about infertility you were ignoring the subject that has become the overwhelmingly most important aspect of your life, but by talking about it you were boring people and completely putting a damper on the festivities! Once upon a time, you were me!!! It was such a freeing moment and a sad moment. As I read about the feelings that these people had and the number of times they talked about breaking down and crying freqently I noticed that there are many things that I am honest about in this blog that don't carry over into honesty in my life! I also felt sad because it was obvious that their whole lives centered around their journeys and boy oh boy do I know how hard that is. It was also sad because I had convinced myself that if I tried harder I could be even more positive like they were... and then I realized that the positivity came AFTER the success! What a slap to the face!! Now I know that this has not been the most uplifting blog recently and that there were definitely times in which I was more positive about the journey, but the realization that their positivity came later made me reflect a bit. I don't think that Mike is a follower of my blog. I am actually not certain whether he has read a single entry, therefore I don't know if he realizes how many really down days I have had over the last several months. Why? Well because I don't want my sadness to be the center of our relationship. People that I work with, but who do not know about my blog have asked others how I am doing because they couldn't tell whether the cycle was successful because I "just keep smiling"... Why? Well, because in real life it is too hard to actually face my feelings. And, though people have been EXTREMELY supportive, I realize that nobody wants to be around a person who is constantly acting as if the world has ended. But, as many of you who read my blog regularly realize, that is how I have felt a LOT recently! And, I have felt really guilty about it. I have even thought about changing the tone of my blog into one that reads like sunshine and rainbows, BUT I then asked myself who that would help?!?! Would it help the people who are reading this as they begin this journey themselves? No, it will make them question why they feel so bad and it will make them feel like less of a person... I know because I have felt that way when reading blogs. Would it help people who are reading this to send support and prayers my way? No, because they wouldn't know how to best lift me up with support and prayers. Would it help me? This one is a maybe... if I lie to myself enough and tell myself that I am fine I might actually start to believe that I am fine. That is how I make it through each day... BUT, how healthy is that really? So, with that in mind I have determined that I will continue to just be honest in this blog. And, I will likely just keep smiling in real life! Why? Well, it has got me to this point! ;) I also feel that it is important to continue to share in this way because it shows the ups and the downs AND it shows how simple things can cause an "up" in the journey. Yesterday was a rough day, but today is good because I slept 5 hours and my shot went well! That is how this journey goes. You take the good with the bad and you keep moving forward. I am not exactly sure what our plans are for the evening, but that is okay. Why? Well for many reasons, but one of those reasons is that we don't have children and therefore we don't need to worry about setting plans and finding a babysitter. (Let's be honest... this is probably a stretch in the hunt for positives, but hey I am trying!!) I also think that the honesty prepares people for what they "might" face if they find themselves in this journey. I list the meds and the procedures and I talk about them scientifically as well as how they effect me emotionally and physically. I talk a lot about the process and what to expect of that portion of the journey, along with how that has gone for me!
As we enter a new year and many of us reflect on where we are in life and how we feel about that I hope that this story encourages you to make steps to change the things that you can in life and to feel okay with your feelings about the things you can't change. I think that will be my goal for 2015... make the changes I can and accept my feelings about the things that I can't. I also will continue to work toward trusting my instincts about things. If there is one thing I might change about this blog it will be to include more about trusting your instincts and not letting the thoughts of others guide your decisions. I will never be able to go back to when I first thought I might have endometriosis and start treatments at that point. BUT, I can advocate for others who feel that their instincts are telling them that something is wrong. I can encourage others to make their instincts a priority. I can listen to my inner voice and use it to take better care of myself. I can respect myself enough to trust in how I am feeling. What is the worst that can happen?!?!? The doctor says that everythign is fine?? Or if it is something that is not health related you just might find that whatever your instincts told you didn't quite work out.. and that is okay! At least you tried!! You make a move and realize that it wasn't exactly what you expected. Oh well, try again!!! Life is too short, yet too long, to be miserable!! I have been telling myself that for a long time and I really think it is true!!
I hope that 2015 brings you excellent health and great joy! No matter what you are going through, just know that you do not have to feel alone. There are so many wonderful people out there who will offer you support and who will pick you up when you can't pick yourself up. Thank you for continuing to follow our journey. Thank you for your support and prayers. Happy New Year!
So, the appointment: I took in the extra meds progesterone oil and gel that were sitting around the house to donate. I am definitely not using either of those meds again, so someone else might as well benefit from them. They are expensive and they shouldn't just expire at our house! Then I was told to head back to the ultrasound room and "get myself ready" while they finish up with another patient. The strange thing was that I never saw nor heard the other patient. Super weird. Anyway... The internal sonogram went exactly the way I had hoped. My uterus looked good and I had no cycts. I am in the menopausal state that they want me in and I am just supposed to continue my current protocol until January 3rd. At that point I will begin the Vivelle Dots (estrogen patches). I will go back to see them on January 12th to see if my lining is responding properly to the meds. If things look good we will go to Rockford on January 19th for a January 20th implantation. If not, I will have to go back later that week and things will be pushed back if necessary. Then, the doctor said I had to fill out paperwork and make some decisions. I totally wasn't expecting that!!! Of course we would need to make decisions at the only appointment that Mike was unable to attend!!!! Murphy's law!! The decisions I had to make were regarding thawing our embryos and though I was stressed that Mike wasn't there during this big decision I also felt certain that I was making the decision that we would have made together. So, we are thawing vial 1 which has a 7 cell - B and a 4 cell - C. If both of those embryos survive the thaw we will implant both. If one does not make it we will thaw vial 3 which contains a 9 cell - B. We did not talk about what we would do if neither embryo from vial 1 makes the thaw, but I am assuming that we would then thaw vial 2 and follow the same plan with those embryos. I decided that we would not thaw all of the embryos and culture them until Day 5 due to something that I was told by a nurse months ago when we were still with the other facility. She said that some embryos that would not survive in the petri dish are able to thrive in the natural setting of it's mother's uterus. So, knowing that, I just think it will be best if we give our babies a chance to be fighters... Those C embryos need the opportunity to thrive and beat the odds so that I can continue to advocate that they should not be disposed of!!! (If you are someone who has had to make the choice to discard C embryos please do not see this as a judgement of you. After hearing the story of my friend's Grade C embryos taking and becoming such AMAZING human beings it is simply a stance I feel that I have to take. I understand that everyone has to make their own decisions and that money is a huge factor in this process as well (freezing embryos, embryo storage, and thawing embryos are not covered by any insurance companies, so the decision to freeze embryos can be an expensive decision.) So, that was my decision and when I called Mike to reassure myself that I did the right thing he didn't answer because he was busy at work... SO, that quickly became OUR decision! HAHA!! ;) When I talked to him that evening he assured me that I did exactly what I should have. Then the lady told me that Mike HAD to be at the next appointment so that she could witness him signing the paperwork or we could not move forward... At this point I can only laugh because I had told him that I knew he was busy with work and that I would be okay to go on my own and then shop with my mom... Of ALL DAYS!! HAHAH!! Oops!!! At least we have a second chance on the 12th to get all of this done!!!
Back to the blanket... i.e. My proposed cure to my insomnia!!!! The first night with the new blanket I feel asleep RIGHT AWAY!!! Victory!! Then, I woke up completely refreshed TWENTY MINUTES LATER!!! Yep, 20 minutes later... GRR!!!! I continued to sleep in short incriments like that throughout the night. Then, I was super grogy for my injections and ended up giving it to myself in an area I had an allergic reaction last week. :( It hurt and it bled... but I can't use bandaids!!! UGH!!! I used gauze and paper tape to solve the problem and I pouted!!! Yep, I pouted because I was frustrated! Then, I went back up and cuddled in my new blanket for 20 minutes before I realized that I was NOT going to fall back to sleep. FAIL!!! ;)
Last night I did not get to bed very early, but the new blanket was fabulous and I was able to sleep for nearly 5 consecutive hours before my shot!!! WOOHOO!!! That used to be enough to make me feel extremely refreshed, but these meds are making me a little (okay, a lot!!!) more sleep dependent, so I am going to have to start getting to bed earlier in order to not live in a fog!! This mornings injection was textbook!!! I honestly finished it and thought, "Wow!! That is exactly how I wish that every morning went!!" It doesn't appear that it is going to bruise, I didn't have to battle with the gauze and paper tape, I didn't have any pouting afterwards!!!! WOOHOO!!! In celebration I cut up some french bread, buttered it up, threw some cinnamon and sugar on it, and popped it in the oven! DELICIOUS!!!!
As I sit here enjoying my delicious breakfast I can't help but reflect on 2014. What. A. Year. I had extremely high hopes for this year and maybe that is why it has been such a bummer. So, for the year 2015 I am not going to set myself up for failure by telling myself that THIS is going to be our year... I am sure that sounds negative to many of you, but for my supporters who have experienced infertility I know that you understand (and I am sure that many of you who haven't experienced infertility can relate as well!). You put so much pressure on yourself and you build up SOOOO much hope that you fall into such a deep, deep low when things are not successful! It only makes it worse that whenever you meet someone it is a natural ice breaker for people to ask if we have children. It is so crazy that such a simple question can be so painful AND can make you feel less. Especially when I just respond with a no and the person then tells me all of the reasons why I should definitely have kiddos now and why it is so rewarding and fabulous. Knife. To. The. Heart. Or, the holiday gatherings in which you are around mixed company, some people that know me and know my story and others who have no idea that they are going to make me want to crawl in a hole and not resurface EVER. The people who know that I just need to RELAX and a family will come or who just won't give up their argument that we will never be READY for kids and that if we wait until we are ready it will never happen. WOW! I had forgotten how hard the holiday season is. The times when you are truly happy to see the joy in the children of your friends and family, yet you feel the hole in your heart ripping wider and wider! One small thing that helped me this week was that I looked back at some "older" posts from some infertility blogs that I follow. The blogs are of people who have been successful and therefore they are SUPER positive. I often beat myself up for my feelings due to their positive outlooks, but I follow them in order to remind myself that miracles DO happen. As I was looking through the older posts I found some entries from the holiday before these people found out they were expecting... all I could think was SEE... you were once human, too!!!! Once upon a time you also felt like there was a giant hole in your heart. You once dreaded events because by not talking about infertility you were ignoring the subject that has become the overwhelmingly most important aspect of your life, but by talking about it you were boring people and completely putting a damper on the festivities! Once upon a time, you were me!!! It was such a freeing moment and a sad moment. As I read about the feelings that these people had and the number of times they talked about breaking down and crying freqently I noticed that there are many things that I am honest about in this blog that don't carry over into honesty in my life! I also felt sad because it was obvious that their whole lives centered around their journeys and boy oh boy do I know how hard that is. It was also sad because I had convinced myself that if I tried harder I could be even more positive like they were... and then I realized that the positivity came AFTER the success! What a slap to the face!! Now I know that this has not been the most uplifting blog recently and that there were definitely times in which I was more positive about the journey, but the realization that their positivity came later made me reflect a bit. I don't think that Mike is a follower of my blog. I am actually not certain whether he has read a single entry, therefore I don't know if he realizes how many really down days I have had over the last several months. Why? Well because I don't want my sadness to be the center of our relationship. People that I work with, but who do not know about my blog have asked others how I am doing because they couldn't tell whether the cycle was successful because I "just keep smiling"... Why? Well, because in real life it is too hard to actually face my feelings. And, though people have been EXTREMELY supportive, I realize that nobody wants to be around a person who is constantly acting as if the world has ended. But, as many of you who read my blog regularly realize, that is how I have felt a LOT recently! And, I have felt really guilty about it. I have even thought about changing the tone of my blog into one that reads like sunshine and rainbows, BUT I then asked myself who that would help?!?! Would it help the people who are reading this as they begin this journey themselves? No, it will make them question why they feel so bad and it will make them feel like less of a person... I know because I have felt that way when reading blogs. Would it help people who are reading this to send support and prayers my way? No, because they wouldn't know how to best lift me up with support and prayers. Would it help me? This one is a maybe... if I lie to myself enough and tell myself that I am fine I might actually start to believe that I am fine. That is how I make it through each day... BUT, how healthy is that really? So, with that in mind I have determined that I will continue to just be honest in this blog. And, I will likely just keep smiling in real life! Why? Well, it has got me to this point! ;) I also feel that it is important to continue to share in this way because it shows the ups and the downs AND it shows how simple things can cause an "up" in the journey. Yesterday was a rough day, but today is good because I slept 5 hours and my shot went well! That is how this journey goes. You take the good with the bad and you keep moving forward. I am not exactly sure what our plans are for the evening, but that is okay. Why? Well for many reasons, but one of those reasons is that we don't have children and therefore we don't need to worry about setting plans and finding a babysitter. (Let's be honest... this is probably a stretch in the hunt for positives, but hey I am trying!!) I also think that the honesty prepares people for what they "might" face if they find themselves in this journey. I list the meds and the procedures and I talk about them scientifically as well as how they effect me emotionally and physically. I talk a lot about the process and what to expect of that portion of the journey, along with how that has gone for me!
As we enter a new year and many of us reflect on where we are in life and how we feel about that I hope that this story encourages you to make steps to change the things that you can in life and to feel okay with your feelings about the things you can't change. I think that will be my goal for 2015... make the changes I can and accept my feelings about the things that I can't. I also will continue to work toward trusting my instincts about things. If there is one thing I might change about this blog it will be to include more about trusting your instincts and not letting the thoughts of others guide your decisions. I will never be able to go back to when I first thought I might have endometriosis and start treatments at that point. BUT, I can advocate for others who feel that their instincts are telling them that something is wrong. I can encourage others to make their instincts a priority. I can listen to my inner voice and use it to take better care of myself. I can respect myself enough to trust in how I am feeling. What is the worst that can happen?!?!? The doctor says that everythign is fine?? Or if it is something that is not health related you just might find that whatever your instincts told you didn't quite work out.. and that is okay! At least you tried!! You make a move and realize that it wasn't exactly what you expected. Oh well, try again!!! Life is too short, yet too long, to be miserable!! I have been telling myself that for a long time and I really think it is true!!
I hope that 2015 brings you excellent health and great joy! No matter what you are going through, just know that you do not have to feel alone. There are so many wonderful people out there who will offer you support and who will pick you up when you can't pick yourself up. Thank you for continuing to follow our journey. Thank you for your support and prayers. Happy New Year!
Sunday, December 28, 2014
December 28th
This has been my laziest few days in a LONG time. To be honest I have felt terrible the last couple days and I have been sleeping a LOT!!! The night before last I started back on the Bromocryptine. (Bromocryptine is the medication I take for escalated prolactin levels due to some kind of issue with my pituitary gland. It is a medication that can have extreme side effects. It hasn't bothered me during previous cycles, other than making me very tired, but this time it is making me very sick!) After taking the medication I have been so nautious that it has been very hard to get to sleep. Then, when I finally fall asleep it seems that the alarm goes off instantly for my shot. Then I am super dizzy, super sick, and dry heaving. :( It is like having the stomach flu for a few hours each morning. :( Then I do my injection and go back to sleep for a few more hours and I wake up fine. I don't know what I will do if this continues when it is time to go back to school. I have seriously been going back to sleep until noon or one o'clock each day. And if I get up before that I am super sick again. :/ I go in for my baseline ultrasound tomorrow, so hopefully they will have suggestions for me. I think I will try to get to bed a little earlier tonight and see if that is helpful since I will need to leave my house at about 9 tomorrow and therefore I will not be able to sleep until after noon!! ;) Last night was my last birth control pill for this cycle. I took the pill at 8:20, so I had to wait until at least 12:20 to take the Bromocryptine due to a 4 hour time period that was necessary between the two medications. Hopefully tomorrow will be much better!!
Mike has some work obligations tomorrow, so my mom will be going with me to this appointment (I could go by myself, but this will work out perfectly because I had to cancel the after Christmas shopping trip we had scheduled for Saturday due to being SO sick!!). It should be very routine and hopefully they will say that I don't have any cysts and that my lining looks good to start the estrogen patches next Saturday. I am guessing that we will determine my next appointments and I will have a little tutorial regarding the next steps in this process.
I have noticed that my emotions are a little extreme today. I think the meds are catching up to me a little bit. The couple that has shared their 8 year journey of infertility and of the two embryos they implanted splitting into two sets of identical twins announced this morning that they would be having their babies within the next 48 hours. They are just over 29 weeks along. I started crying because I am so happy for them and how far they have come on this journey! Then, when they made the announcement that they were actually delivering the babies I started crying again. I can't imagine how they are feeling right now! What an amazing and overwhelming time in their lives! I just can't even imagine!!!
One thing that I have noticed as my hormones are being taken away versus when they were being put to crazy levels is that the foods I absolutely NEEDED during the previous cycles are DISGUSTING to me right now!! HAHA!! The soups that I loved taste extremely bland to me. Other things that I loved... YUCK!!!! This is totally crazy to me. I don't really understand how hormones have an affect on how food tastes, but it is totally true!!!!
Well, hopefully tomorrow's appointment will be uneventful and informative. AND, hopefully there will not be any sickness tomorrow morning!!! :)
Thank you for your continued support of this journey. It has been a long road and your prayers and kind words have been amazing! It is hard to believe that this journey started in 2009 and we are about to enter 2015. It seems like forever, yet I have to trust that God's timing will be perfect and that we will be blessed beyond belief when the timing is right! :)
Have a great night!
Mike has some work obligations tomorrow, so my mom will be going with me to this appointment (I could go by myself, but this will work out perfectly because I had to cancel the after Christmas shopping trip we had scheduled for Saturday due to being SO sick!!). It should be very routine and hopefully they will say that I don't have any cysts and that my lining looks good to start the estrogen patches next Saturday. I am guessing that we will determine my next appointments and I will have a little tutorial regarding the next steps in this process.
I have noticed that my emotions are a little extreme today. I think the meds are catching up to me a little bit. The couple that has shared their 8 year journey of infertility and of the two embryos they implanted splitting into two sets of identical twins announced this morning that they would be having their babies within the next 48 hours. They are just over 29 weeks along. I started crying because I am so happy for them and how far they have come on this journey! Then, when they made the announcement that they were actually delivering the babies I started crying again. I can't imagine how they are feeling right now! What an amazing and overwhelming time in their lives! I just can't even imagine!!!
One thing that I have noticed as my hormones are being taken away versus when they were being put to crazy levels is that the foods I absolutely NEEDED during the previous cycles are DISGUSTING to me right now!! HAHA!! The soups that I loved taste extremely bland to me. Other things that I loved... YUCK!!!! This is totally crazy to me. I don't really understand how hormones have an affect on how food tastes, but it is totally true!!!!
Well, hopefully tomorrow's appointment will be uneventful and informative. AND, hopefully there will not be any sickness tomorrow morning!!! :)
Thank you for your continued support of this journey. It has been a long road and your prayers and kind words have been amazing! It is hard to believe that this journey started in 2009 and we are about to enter 2015. It seems like forever, yet I have to trust that God's timing will be perfect and that we will be blessed beyond belief when the timing is right! :)
Have a great night!
Friday, December 26, 2014
The day after Christmas
It's the day after Christmas and it was a pretty lazy day at the McVey house! Now Mike is at work and I am thinking of all the things I "should" do. I am sure I will find some ambition before 11 p.m.when Mike gets home! If not, there is always the weekend, right?!?!? ;) We stopped for a visit with the McVey's before going to visit my family for Christmas Eve lasagna. Then we returned to Monmouth for 10:30 p.m. mass. Christmas Day we went back to my families house to celebrate again and Mike's family celebrated up in Naperville. Mike wasn't feeling the greatest so we came home and both of us napped the rest of the day away! I slept 3 hours!!!! I guess I was pretty exhausted!!!
Today was the 3rd day of injections for this round and it was pretty uneventful. Yesterday's injection was painful. :( I also noticed that I had a reaction to the latex-free bandaid that I used on Christmas Eve. BOO!!! Seriously, this allergy business has to stop!!! So, today I bought some paper tape and hopefully that will be the answer to these issues. I will ask the doctor when we go on Monday.
Tomorrow night is my last day of the birth contol pill for this round. I guess the leuprolide will be completely in charge of suppressing my hormones at that point. I can definitely feel the leuprolide doing something and I have been pretty achy the last couple days. It said to expect hot flashes (which makes sense because it temporarily puts me in a state of menopause), but I am actually FREEZING COLD most of the time. I guess it is not likely that anyone will be suprised by the fact that my body is reacting differently to meds than expected!!! ;)
I have been trying to think of things that I want to ask the doctor about on Monday. I know that they are going to give me instructions for the estrogen patches. I also know that I want to ask them about the thawing process and how things will work when we go to Rockford in January. I know that I need to control my anxiety in order to be best prepared for this cycle, so I feel that getting all of my questions taken care of will be the best next step.
It seems like a million years away right now, but I know that implantation day will be here before we know it! I will keep you posted as we find out more information and learn more about what to expect.
I hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas!!!
Today was the 3rd day of injections for this round and it was pretty uneventful. Yesterday's injection was painful. :( I also noticed that I had a reaction to the latex-free bandaid that I used on Christmas Eve. BOO!!! Seriously, this allergy business has to stop!!! So, today I bought some paper tape and hopefully that will be the answer to these issues. I will ask the doctor when we go on Monday.
Tomorrow night is my last day of the birth contol pill for this round. I guess the leuprolide will be completely in charge of suppressing my hormones at that point. I can definitely feel the leuprolide doing something and I have been pretty achy the last couple days. It said to expect hot flashes (which makes sense because it temporarily puts me in a state of menopause), but I am actually FREEZING COLD most of the time. I guess it is not likely that anyone will be suprised by the fact that my body is reacting differently to meds than expected!!! ;)
I have been trying to think of things that I want to ask the doctor about on Monday. I know that they are going to give me instructions for the estrogen patches. I also know that I want to ask them about the thawing process and how things will work when we go to Rockford in January. I know that I need to control my anxiety in order to be best prepared for this cycle, so I feel that getting all of my questions taken care of will be the best next step.
It seems like a million years away right now, but I know that implantation day will be here before we know it! I will keep you posted as we find out more information and learn more about what to expect.
I hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)