Waiting...

Waiting... waiting is such a painful part of this journey.   I feel as if I am doing absolutely nothing as I wait for the doctors to be ready to try again.  I truly hope that he is resting and relaxing in Poland this month because meanwhile I am LOSING MY MIND!!!!! Though my hives are not red, blotchy, and fresh meat'ish anymore, they have become a large bruise on each side that randomly itches and/or hurts whenever it feels like it.  Do I think that is normal... NO!!! Thursday over my lunch break I returned a call to the specialty pharmacy... they had called to tell me that the insurance company had denied the change in my progesterone injections (The injections that cause my allergic reaction!).  My response was not very kind and I am sure it did not help the situation, but I told them that I would be happy to show whoever was in charge of the decision that I truly had an allergic reaction if they needed proof.  I said that it isn't as intense as it was in the beginning, but I am sure that they would have a better understanding of why the change was necessary if they saw my rump in person.  That is just a sign of the state that I am currently in. I feel like I am in a constant state of not feeling well from the general mess that my body is in, looking puffy from the inflammation and hot mess of hormones that have taken over my body, feeling itchy and in pain from the various allergies, and emotionally just feeling like I have had enough.  Throughout this process I have prayed that God would help me to know when it was time to give up and sometimes I wonder if that is what He is telling me as I face this waiting, inability to change my crappy outlook, and uncertainty about my new meds.  But then when I actually think about giving up now I think that it would be a huge mistake.  So, I just don't know what to do.  I have determined that this will be the last time that we will attempt to grow follicles with this facility.  I feel that we were forced into this choice and that the protocols have not been nearly the same as what they would have been at my previous facility.  They are also not taking my autoimmune issues into account or the fact that I have elevated levels of natural killer cells. (They don't feel those issues need to be addressed due to "risks" of treatment?!?!?! UGH!!!)  I also had to send paperwork to prove that they were overlooking my high prolactin levels so that they would renew my medication to balance those levels out.  I think that the combination of all of that and the WAITING have pretty much pushed me to my limit.  Unfortunately I am unable to pursue another facility while working with this facility because of the way that the insurance company works.  But, I will investigate to determine what we need to do if the time comes.  Hopefully investigating will help me to feel that I am at least TRYING to do something to move forward.
(The post thus far was actually written on Sunday, September 28th.  My IPAD died mid-post, so I had to return to it and I decided to leave the draft I had started because it was obviously how I was feeling at the moment I was typing.  A few hours after typing this I had a complete meltdown.  Sobbing, screaming, crying meltdown... it wasn't pretty... it was actually pretty ugly.  But, it happened and most of it had nothing to do with infertility itself and everything to do with the fact that every little thing compounds until I BLOW UP!!  As I have said before, this blog is not for sunshine and rainbows, this blog is to share how things are truly going on this journey. It appears that waiting for the next cycle has been very hard on me emotionally.  And, the endometriosis has been very hard on me physically.  Combining that with the stress of a new school year has caused a major explosion that has me questioning whether I need to attempt to contact my counsellor, Kim.  I haven't seen her in well over 3 years, but I am not above seeking help in situations that I know are beyond my own means of handling.  So, that is something I will keep in the back of my mind.  Every aspect of my life seems to be elevated... The highs are extremely high, the lows are very low, and when things feel overwhelming they seem SO overwhelming that I don't feel like I can make it through.  I am sure a lot of this is due to hormone fluctuations, but it seems so hard to believe that hormones can cause these drastic changes that knock me on my rump repeatedly... )

Monday, September 29, 2014
I was talking to a friend today about my desire to just run away from everything and she said that it is the response to feeling that I have no control over so many aspects of my life right now.  I know that to be true from previous sessions with a counselor, but I hate that my mental health has taken such a drastic downward spiral.  My counsellor was so wonderful and I am trying to remember the many ways that she tried to help me when I was spiraling.  I saw her every other week for about 4 years and  the way that she helped me to recognize all of the crazy quirks that make me who I am and differentiate them from my tendency to be hyper focused and fixated on things was truly amazing.  The awareness helped me to keep myself from allowing the intense panic attacks to control my life.  I have such a "black or white" personality and I struggle with grey areas.  I love to control every aspect of life and when I feel that I have no control it KILLS me!  Seriously... it eats at me to the point that I feel as if I am losing my mind.  Then I just explode.  It is especially hard because I am in a profession that demand that I am ON at all times.  There can never be a moment that the kiddos realize that all is not right in my world and that is SUCH a challenge at times like this.
I made an appointment for Thursday to see a chiropractor on the Iowa side of the Quad Cities.  I am going to have an adjustment done and then I am going to attempt acupuncture for the first time.  I am hopeful that it will release some of the stress that has built up in my body and that it will help prepare my body for the next IVF cycle.
As September comes to a close and October begins I am hopeful that I will be able to recover from this funk.  I know I have said that before and have given myself other timelines that I was hopeful about, but obviously this funk is more intense than I recognized.  I am thankful that Mike is able to keep a positive attitude about the whole process and about where we are in this journey.  I try not to be super negative about the process at home because I know that Mike truly believes that we are only getting started on our journey and that great things are ahead.. Some days I can be right there with him and optimistic... lately those days seem to be fewer and farther between.  :/ Thankfully he doesn't read my blog and he probably never will so sharing my truth on here won't crush the hopefulness that he still has! (I am not ignorant enough to truly think that he doesn't realize how I am feeling right now... after all, we have been together for a week shy of 11 years!! But, I try not to allow my doom and gloom to put a shadow over our lives and I am sure that he appreciates it!)

Since running away doesn't seem like a realistic option I am going to have to keep putting the smile on my face and approaching each day with a "fake it 'til you make it" mentality...  I am going to continue praying that God will give me the strength to face the challenges that each day brings.  I stopped praying for patience a LONG time ago because I realized that He just seemed to give me opportunity after opportunity to practice being patient!  I am also going to continue to pray that God will give Mike and I strength in our relationship to face each obstacle that is thrown at us as a united front.  I am so blessed to have built such an amazing relationship with such a wonderful man.  I am also thankful for the friends and family who have continued to stand by my side even as I have lost the positivity and optimism that carried me for so long.  I know that sad and lost is not as fun as positive and optimistic and I appreciate your patience as I try to find joy again!

As I have said before, I recognize that there are problems in this world that are so much bigger and more intense than mine... I know that infertility and my autoimmune issues are not the biggest problems faced in this world... but these issues are real to me.  I appreciate your support of this journey and your thoughts and prayers as we move forward.  2 weeks from today we start sonograms, injections, and frequent trips to Peoria.  I am guessing that it will be every other day like it was last time.

Thanks again for your support throughout this journey!!
Have a wonderful week!
Julie