The truth...

This might be one of the strangest posts that I have made because it is kind of all over the place, but it is full of things I want to remember down the road so I am going to write it anyway!  I recently talked to a friend who has been through a lot of infertility issues and she said, "You swear to yourself that you will never forget any of this, but you do... and you have no idea how you forgot."  Every moment seems so big at the time.  Like it is unforgetable.  Like you will never recover from the emotions you are feeling... yet each day goes on and you have to make a choice to put a smile on your face and move forward or to dig deeper into your shell and allow the emotions to defeat you.  In the end, life continues on whether you are choosing to move forward or not.  Many times I have made the choice to put the smile on my face and have lived by the belief that if I continue to say that I am fine that I will be fine.  But then times like last night hit... I was exhausted both mentally, physically, and emotionally.  After a long, hot week at school I came home and instead of getting ready for the plans I had for the evening or even facing the mounds of work I still have for school, I just crashed.  I napped for 3 hours and then when I woke up I was just a mess! I didn't know if I wanted to laugh or cry... I was tired, I was angry with myself for not accomplishing anything that evening, I was upset that I had allowed myself to stay home instead of following through with plans, and most of all... I felt defeated!!  My hormones are going CRAZY right now because all injections have suddenly stopped.  I am happy that we have a break from the injections, but wowwie kazowie!  This is NUTS!!! I am a mess! These are the times that I have to push myself to continue to face all of my responsibilities and opportunities to do things because otherwise I will just dig deep into the shell and not function.  This week I was prepared for the news that the IUI was not successful.  I actually would have been shocked (in a great way, but shocked) if they would have said that it was successful.  But, I was not prepared for the emotions I would feel as I waited for the results and time continued to pass without hearing anything.  It made me realize just how vulnerable I am and that the "I am fine" front is very unstable.  It can only withstand so much!!  It made me realize that, regardless of how hard I try to fight against it, I am human and I can only take so much! 

On to the reason for this post... recently there have been people close to me that have admitted that they just don't know what to say or what to do because this situation is so uncomfortable.  And I TOTALLY get it!!! I have also had people admit that they are afraid... afraid that when they try to have a family they might face the same challenges that I am facing and that they will become me!  People reading this might say, "That is terrible!" or "I can't believe people would say these things."  But, I don't feel that way at ALL because I TOTALLY get it! There are days that I am in complete disbelief of our situation.  I feel like I am in denial sometimes and the most frequent thing I think is that I will wake up one day and realize that these things would never really happen naturally and that I somehow became the female version of "The Truman Show"!  You probably think I am joking, but I often feel that there is no other explanation for the chaos that I call life!! 

So, last night I was talking to my friend Stef and I told her that I totally get the fact that people feel uncomfortable or afraid.  I also told her that if it weren't happening to me I would TOTALLY be one of those people!!!!! How can I be upset with people who feel EXACTLY like I would??!? (Thankfully she totally understood and just listened to my insanity!! Thanks Stef!)  I would be terrified of the idea of facing infertility for any length of time.  After all, the natural thought process is about preventing pregnancy until you are ready to be responsible for lives other than your own... the natural thought process isn't "How am I going to get pregnant when the time comes?!?".  But, when people close to you struggle, it brings that question to the front of your mind... and then if things work out it brings an even worse internal battle... the battle you face when you can't help but feel happy that it wasn't you!  Yep, I am sure I am not the only person who has ever felt this way... the guilt and elation that you feel when you find out that crappy stuff didn't happen to you!  Guilt because you feel terrible for those that have faced those trials, but elation because you were scared to death that you would have to face the same things they were facing and WOOHOO everything worked out and life is FABULOUS!!! Those are the times that you quietly slip into your room and sob because you finally let yourself recognize JUST HOW TERRIFIED you actually were!! I have been there... I TOTALLY get it!! And, I have to be honest, I don't hold anything against those friends who have said they feel that way.  I respect that they opened up to me.  After all, Mike and I have seen a lot of doctors.  We have been through years of trial and error to get to where we are and we have trusted when we should have questioned. We can be helpful because of our experiences and we recognize that this might be it... we might not have our family someday, but we feel that there is a reason this is happening and maybe, just maybe, that reason is to help others who are facing challenges and help them to successfully have a family without facing as much as we did.  

This week I recognized that there are people close to me who have fears and that sometimes my smiling facade can make those fears more intense.  Those same friends have said that they don't feel that they can face the trials with the attitude that I have.  I honestly felt terrible about that because I guess by trying to put on a happy face so that I don't bum people out or seem like a whiner, I haven't been truthful.  The TRUTH is that I don't have it all together!  And, not only do I not have it together... I am pretty much a MESS!!! But, by saying that "I am fine.", I don't have to face that I am not.  And I don't have to face some of those fears... fears that this will never work out.  Recently, my newest coping mechanism is to say that if it doesn't work out I will move.  Move to someplace with a beach and a pool so that I can live the life of leasure.  When I sat down last night and really thought about it and what it meant that I now have this "flight" mentality I recognized that my fears have grown and that deep down I am full of doubt.  But instead of letting that doubt surface, I am looking at 1 bedroom condos on the ocean or Gulf of Mexico.  WHAT?!?!?! REALLY?!?!?  Do I really think I can just take off?!?!? NO! But, it is easier than thinking about what I would really do if we came to a point that we KNEW that this journey had come to an end.  (I am not saying these things because I want pity... I am just being honest because I don't like to be fake and all of this is a HUGE part of this journey... probably a bigger part than the actual procedures and protocols because these feelings are ALWAYS with me!!)

So, to all my friends/acquaintances/people I don't even know, but my blog has brought us together... it is okay!! It is okay to be afraid!  It is okay to be thankful that this isn't happening to you!  I would totally feel the same way!!! Like I told Mike last night, "It is only natural to want things to go well.  No one wants to face these issues." As I sit here this morning I started to think about other things.  No one wants to give people they love injections that hurt and bruise them.  No one wants to hear that "We will appreciate our children so much more because of this.".  No one wants to be told that "I should feel happy that there are so many people having children around me because I can just watch them for free and feel the same joy.'  Nope... it isn't the same.  Not even a little!!! No one wants to hear all the "life with no children" things that we should be thankful for from people that have made the CHOICE to have no children.  And these are just the things I have heard this week!  But, there have also been amazing things that happened this week!  People have reached out and shared their stories to help us feel less alone.  People have shared things that worked for them so that we could try those things out.  People have prayed for us... not only for this journey, but for our hearts and emotions as we passed the five year mark and entered into another waiting period before the October cycle.  And, even more people have just been kind.  Not because of anything we are going through, but because they are just good people who choose to be that way!! What more could a person ask for than kindness and compassion?!?! 

So, now that this post has become long and rambling it is probably time to go for the day!! Today I will force myself to complete some of my school work and to be social.  I will push myself to go to the Tri-State Rodeo because I know that I WANT to go and that it will be fun, but the easier thing would be to stay home and retreat... or to continue to look for 1 bedroom homes by the ocean, beach, or in the Ozarks!  ;)  So my goal for next week, as I face my formal evaluation, the start of the birth control pills again, and many challenging professional obligations, will be to face the week without the facade... Though I don't want to wallow I also don't want to be fake and pretending to be okay when I am not.  Sometimes I think I do that because it is easier than facing reality and sometimes it is because Mike faces this with such strength and I want to emulate that and try not to put my pain on him, but I have a feeling that my facade is lost on him.  I am sure he can see right through it! ;)  For now, goulash and paperwork!!! Can't think of a better way to spend a Saturday afternoon! ;) Then, I am off to the rodeo and to see Easton Corbin in concert!  Can't think of a better way to spend $15 today!! :)  So exciting!! And I will face tomorrow and everything that it brings with it when it comes!!