Other blogs...

I have not read a lot of other blogs through this process.  I usually just seek out information by googling many of the infertility chat sites.  I am not a member of any of them, but I would frequently type in my questions and/or situations and check to see what others had typed out. I also watched several video journals when I was prepping for my injections.  But, because of the hives and their relentless attempt to make me CRAZY, I desperately searched for anyone who had a similar reaction.  I found one blog that was most recently updated in 2006 that gave me some information about the hives... mostly information that I didn't want to hear... WHAT?!?! It is going to take a long time for these to go away!?!??! YIKES!! ;)  But, I also saw a lot of what I was feeling wrapped into her blog.  (I only read three entries because I honestly haven't had time to devote to reading, but someday I hope to read more.  I think it will be kind of therapeutic to hear someone else's journey.  After all, I enjoy hearing the stories of people who open up to me.)  She talked about the fact that she doesn't feel like the hormones are affecting her until she realizes how exhausted she is.  She talked about the fact that she started to fear the fact that she had opened up her life to people she knows and people she doesn't because it didn't allow her time to process what she was dealing with before people would ask her about the results of her trials. I totally get it!  I truly feel that this blog was meant to happen.  I feel that I am supposed to share my story to help others and I know that there are many people who have approached me (and I am certain that there are others who are just silent readers) who have been helped by knowing that they are not alone and encouraged to seek help from specialists by reading about my story.  But, like I said, I totally get what she was saying... when things go wrong there is no time to process what has happened.  The people who are our biggest supporters and cheerleaders are waiting for the results right alongside us.  A big frustration that I have is that there is no opportunity for the big reveal. As if infertility hasn't taken away enough from us... we don't get to have the exciting reveal.  Yes, I understand that finding out we are pregnant, if that happens for us, will be very exciting... but there won't be a dramatic reveal at 12 weeks... And yes, I get that I am being a whiny baby right now... total whiny baby...  I GET IT!! But, if I am being honest, it is something I think about.

My goal before the October/November cycle starts is to seek out blogs that will help through this next phase of the journey.  I have to admit that I am feeling very down.  I feel like I need a boost to make it through the trials that we still have ahead of us.  I am sure it has a lot to do with the change in hormones now that I am only on BCPs and not getting daily injections.  I can only imagine what is happening to me internally!  But, I also feel like my faith has been shaken a bit.  And if I am being honest, it has been shaken by rudeness.  Rudeness that has taken me by shock and surprise and rudeness that isn't really shocking, but is definitely disappointing.  It is so hard to truly believe AND accept that this is all part of God's plan for us.  It is hard to understand why we must wait for our family to grow.  It is hard to understand where we are supposed to take our lives while we wait.  It is hard to understand what needs to happen before it is the right time.  And it is hard to be thankful for the trials we are going through.  Though it is hard to understand, I have tried very hard to believe it and accept it.  But, when people are rude, and use their christianity as a basis, it makes it very difficult to continue to try so hard to look for the positives, the lessons, the timing, and the plan.  I know that this will pass and that without forgiveness the only person being hurt is myself.  I also know that by opening this up publicly I am opening up my life to scrutiny.  But, I am human... and because of that, I hurt.
As we continue through our journey I ask for continued prayers that I will be able to hold on to faith that this is all part of God's plan for Mike and I.  I believe in the power of prayer.  I believe in God's healing hand.  And I also admit that it is sometimes hard for me to pray for myself because it is hard for me to know what God's plan is and how my prayers line up with His plan.  I find that I often end prayers with "if it is Your will".  I find that I often feel that my prayers and my needs are so small compared to so many of those around me.  I look at families who are suffering from tragedies and I can't help but ask if that is what God is protecting me from... does He know that I am not strong enough to handle the trials that we would face if we were to grow our family.  Does He have other plans for me?  How do I know? How does anyone know?  When we moved to Monmouth I felt that it was meant to be.  Everything seemed to fall into place perfectly for us to make this our home.  I thought that the trials we had with infertility in Macomb happened because we were not meant to grow our family there and that things would change once we were settled in Monmouth.  We were closer to our families and our children would have the chance to grow up in the same neighborhood their dad grew up in.  But we have been here over 3 years now and it seems that we are no closer than we were then.
Mike would say that I am wrong.  That we are nowhere near where we were back then.  That we have come so far and that we have made so much progress in just a few months time, let alone the progress that we have made over the last 3 years.  He says that we are only getting started.  I wish I was able to look at things with that outlook.  But when I try I get so SAD... Sad to think that after 5 years we are JUST GETTING STARTED?!?!? REALLY!!! How can that be?  Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful for Mike and the fact that he is able to look at this situation and see that everything will come together when it is supposed to and that everything happens for a reason... but sometimes I just feel so alone in the pain and sadness.  Which brings me full circle... I am not alone... there are tons of blogs out there with people who have had similar experiences and similar feelings!! I can seek comfort in knowing that it is okay to be down in the dumps.  And that it is okay to be angry at rude people.  And that it is okay to cry because of kind gestures.  And that it is okay to not be okay!!! (And hopefully it is okay for every recent blog post to turn into a hormonal pity party!! I promise that I will try to get back to my normal, positive posts soon... just in time for them to jack me up on hormones AGAIN!!!!)
My other goal before the October/November cycle is to try to figure out what it is that I should be learning from all of this... seriously... there has to be something.  So, I am going to work hard to figure that out!
I hope everyone has a wonderful week!!  I hope that the recent posts aren't bumming people out!!

My final thought for the night is that I think a banana split with strawberry topping and double hot fudge WITH pecans sounds delicious!! And, I am sure my hubby would love to come home from work to a blizzard of some sort!  DQ here I come!! ;)
Thanks for reading!!