Waiting...

Waiting... waiting is such a painful part of this journey.   I feel as if I am doing absolutely nothing as I wait for the doctors to be ready to try again.  I truly hope that he is resting and relaxing in Poland this month because meanwhile I am LOSING MY MIND!!!!! Though my hives are not red, blotchy, and fresh meat'ish anymore, they have become a large bruise on each side that randomly itches and/or hurts whenever it feels like it.  Do I think that is normal... NO!!! Thursday over my lunch break I returned a call to the specialty pharmacy... they had called to tell me that the insurance company had denied the change in my progesterone injections (The injections that cause my allergic reaction!).  My response was not very kind and I am sure it did not help the situation, but I told them that I would be happy to show whoever was in charge of the decision that I truly had an allergic reaction if they needed proof.  I said that it isn't as intense as it was in the beginning, but I am sure that they would have a better understanding of why the change was necessary if they saw my rump in person.  That is just a sign of the state that I am currently in. I feel like I am in a constant state of not feeling well from the general mess that my body is in, looking puffy from the inflammation and hot mess of hormones that have taken over my body, feeling itchy and in pain from the various allergies, and emotionally just feeling like I have had enough.  Throughout this process I have prayed that God would help me to know when it was time to give up and sometimes I wonder if that is what He is telling me as I face this waiting, inability to change my crappy outlook, and uncertainty about my new meds.  But then when I actually think about giving up now I think that it would be a huge mistake.  So, I just don't know what to do.  I have determined that this will be the last time that we will attempt to grow follicles with this facility.  I feel that we were forced into this choice and that the protocols have not been nearly the same as what they would have been at my previous facility.  They are also not taking my autoimmune issues into account or the fact that I have elevated levels of natural killer cells. (They don't feel those issues need to be addressed due to "risks" of treatment?!?!?! UGH!!!)  I also had to send paperwork to prove that they were overlooking my high prolactin levels so that they would renew my medication to balance those levels out.  I think that the combination of all of that and the WAITING have pretty much pushed me to my limit.  Unfortunately I am unable to pursue another facility while working with this facility because of the way that the insurance company works.  But, I will investigate to determine what we need to do if the time comes.  Hopefully investigating will help me to feel that I am at least TRYING to do something to move forward.
(The post thus far was actually written on Sunday, September 28th.  My IPAD died mid-post, so I had to return to it and I decided to leave the draft I had started because it was obviously how I was feeling at the moment I was typing.  A few hours after typing this I had a complete meltdown.  Sobbing, screaming, crying meltdown... it wasn't pretty... it was actually pretty ugly.  But, it happened and most of it had nothing to do with infertility itself and everything to do with the fact that every little thing compounds until I BLOW UP!!  As I have said before, this blog is not for sunshine and rainbows, this blog is to share how things are truly going on this journey. It appears that waiting for the next cycle has been very hard on me emotionally.  And, the endometriosis has been very hard on me physically.  Combining that with the stress of a new school year has caused a major explosion that has me questioning whether I need to attempt to contact my counsellor, Kim.  I haven't seen her in well over 3 years, but I am not above seeking help in situations that I know are beyond my own means of handling.  So, that is something I will keep in the back of my mind.  Every aspect of my life seems to be elevated... The highs are extremely high, the lows are very low, and when things feel overwhelming they seem SO overwhelming that I don't feel like I can make it through.  I am sure a lot of this is due to hormone fluctuations, but it seems so hard to believe that hormones can cause these drastic changes that knock me on my rump repeatedly... )

Monday, September 29, 2014
I was talking to a friend today about my desire to just run away from everything and she said that it is the response to feeling that I have no control over so many aspects of my life right now.  I know that to be true from previous sessions with a counselor, but I hate that my mental health has taken such a drastic downward spiral.  My counsellor was so wonderful and I am trying to remember the many ways that she tried to help me when I was spiraling.  I saw her every other week for about 4 years and  the way that she helped me to recognize all of the crazy quirks that make me who I am and differentiate them from my tendency to be hyper focused and fixated on things was truly amazing.  The awareness helped me to keep myself from allowing the intense panic attacks to control my life.  I have such a "black or white" personality and I struggle with grey areas.  I love to control every aspect of life and when I feel that I have no control it KILLS me!  Seriously... it eats at me to the point that I feel as if I am losing my mind.  Then I just explode.  It is especially hard because I am in a profession that demand that I am ON at all times.  There can never be a moment that the kiddos realize that all is not right in my world and that is SUCH a challenge at times like this.
I made an appointment for Thursday to see a chiropractor on the Iowa side of the Quad Cities.  I am going to have an adjustment done and then I am going to attempt acupuncture for the first time.  I am hopeful that it will release some of the stress that has built up in my body and that it will help prepare my body for the next IVF cycle.
As September comes to a close and October begins I am hopeful that I will be able to recover from this funk.  I know I have said that before and have given myself other timelines that I was hopeful about, but obviously this funk is more intense than I recognized.  I am thankful that Mike is able to keep a positive attitude about the whole process and about where we are in this journey.  I try not to be super negative about the process at home because I know that Mike truly believes that we are only getting started on our journey and that great things are ahead.. Some days I can be right there with him and optimistic... lately those days seem to be fewer and farther between.  :/ Thankfully he doesn't read my blog and he probably never will so sharing my truth on here won't crush the hopefulness that he still has! (I am not ignorant enough to truly think that he doesn't realize how I am feeling right now... after all, we have been together for a week shy of 11 years!! But, I try not to allow my doom and gloom to put a shadow over our lives and I am sure that he appreciates it!)

Since running away doesn't seem like a realistic option I am going to have to keep putting the smile on my face and approaching each day with a "fake it 'til you make it" mentality...  I am going to continue praying that God will give me the strength to face the challenges that each day brings.  I stopped praying for patience a LONG time ago because I realized that He just seemed to give me opportunity after opportunity to practice being patient!  I am also going to continue to pray that God will give Mike and I strength in our relationship to face each obstacle that is thrown at us as a united front.  I am so blessed to have built such an amazing relationship with such a wonderful man.  I am also thankful for the friends and family who have continued to stand by my side even as I have lost the positivity and optimism that carried me for so long.  I know that sad and lost is not as fun as positive and optimistic and I appreciate your patience as I try to find joy again!

As I have said before, I recognize that there are problems in this world that are so much bigger and more intense than mine... I know that infertility and my autoimmune issues are not the biggest problems faced in this world... but these issues are real to me.  I appreciate your support of this journey and your thoughts and prayers as we move forward.  2 weeks from today we start sonograms, injections, and frequent trips to Peoria.  I am guessing that it will be every other day like it was last time.

Thanks again for your support throughout this journey!!
Have a wonderful week!
Julie

I was wrong!!!

So... I guess I was wrong...
It appears that reading the blogs of others has not been the uplifting experience I thought it would be. It actually made me so much more sad.  I read a blog written from the perspective of a husband and boy oh boy did it bring tears to my eyes to hear how devastating this process has been for him.  Then I read about a woman who just became numb to the process and just stopped caring.  She couldn't wait for the Beta test (blood test to determine levels of HCG - pregnancy test for after infertility treatment) to be over so that she could just be done with it all and move on with her life.  That was her last entry, so I can only imagine that the cycle was unsuccessful.  I started to notice a trend.  So many blogs without closure.  I am a closure type of person.  I HAVE to have closure.  It bothered me so much to read about the lives of these people and not know for certain how their journey ended.  What did they do after the failed cycle?!?!  Did they move to the beach? Learn to play the guitar?  Decide to live in an RV and travel the U.S. on a whim?!!? (All of these are things that I have considered as options for the future! HAHAH!!)  How did the story continue once the posts ended?  How did they fill the void?  I will never know the answers to any of these questions, but it sure makes me think of our future.  What will life look like for us if we are unable to have children?  Talk about a downer!!! So much for looking for something to lift my spirits as we wait for the next cycle.

Speaking of the next cycle, I am pretty certain that the next cycle is FOREVER away!!! FOREVER!!!! I feel like waiting for this cycle is excruciating!  And, we still have a LONG time left to wait.  My baseline sonogram is October 13th.  I believe that I will start medication at that time.  Then my "target" retrieval date is October 29th.  That would mean a trip to Rockford and taking the 29th and 30th off of school for the procedure and bedrest.  They said that it would allow for a Saturday, November 1st for a Day 3 transfer or November 3rd for a Day 5 transfer.  I would then be instructed as to what my restrictions are and when I can go back to school.  BUT, that is SOOO far away!! I hope Dr. G is resting and rejuvenating in Poland so that we can attack this situation as soon as he gets back!!! ;)

Hive update:  I still have them... I am taking strong medicine to try to get rid of them.  I am using a non-steroid lotion to try to get rid of them.  I am SOOOO ready to get rid of them.  The amount of my rump that they took over is ridiculous and I am ready to be hive free soon... hopefully soon!!

Funk update:  I am still in a funk.  I tried blaming the weather.  I tried blaming the overwhelming amount of stress that I am under trying to get a million things done at school.  I am going to have to accept that it is getting harder for me to put a smile on every day of this infertility journey.  YES, I a sure that the weather and the stress from school are adding to my funk, but I think the cancelled cycle at the 5 year mark has just been a little more than I can handle and I can't see to muster up my best Pollyanna impression anymore.  I am hoping that as the next cycle approaches I will perk up and gain hope again.  I recognize that no one wants to be around a negative nelly.  And I realize that life goes on regardless of how my heart feels.  So, I will continue to do my best to grin and bear it.

Life update:  My sister Jen is almost 20 weeks along.  Anna could have the baby anytime.  Meghan is due next month.  It appears that baby season is year round at this stage in my life.  I hope that God continues to bless me with joy for the new parents that surround me.  It appears that everywhere I turn stands another expectant mother.  I am pretty certain that half of the county is prego! ;)
I have pretty much given up all of my hobbies.  I have nothing homemade for the new babies because I am pretty much over everything that was once served as a distraction for me.  Hopefully inspiration will perk u soon so that these new little nephews will have warm blankets for this chilly weather!! ;)  And, my niece will need something to keep her warm in February, too!  Thankfully I was pretty close to finishing the blanket for Baby Boy Mercer when I got fed up with my distractions.  Hopefully I can finish it soon.  Then maybe I will get motivated to work on a creation for Baby Boy Schroeder!
Baby Girl Kulow might not have anything for a while!

I hope everyone is enjoying the crisp fall air!  I love this time of year, but I haven't enjoyed the cold, rainy weather.  I am looking forward to the leaves changing so that I can drive around and look at the beautiful trees!! :)

Other blogs...

I have not read a lot of other blogs through this process.  I usually just seek out information by googling many of the infertility chat sites.  I am not a member of any of them, but I would frequently type in my questions and/or situations and check to see what others had typed out. I also watched several video journals when I was prepping for my injections.  But, because of the hives and their relentless attempt to make me CRAZY, I desperately searched for anyone who had a similar reaction.  I found one blog that was most recently updated in 2006 that gave me some information about the hives... mostly information that I didn't want to hear... WHAT?!?! It is going to take a long time for these to go away!?!??! YIKES!! ;)  But, I also saw a lot of what I was feeling wrapped into her blog.  (I only read three entries because I honestly haven't had time to devote to reading, but someday I hope to read more.  I think it will be kind of therapeutic to hear someone else's journey.  After all, I enjoy hearing the stories of people who open up to me.)  She talked about the fact that she doesn't feel like the hormones are affecting her until she realizes how exhausted she is.  She talked about the fact that she started to fear the fact that she had opened up her life to people she knows and people she doesn't because it didn't allow her time to process what she was dealing with before people would ask her about the results of her trials. I totally get it!  I truly feel that this blog was meant to happen.  I feel that I am supposed to share my story to help others and I know that there are many people who have approached me (and I am certain that there are others who are just silent readers) who have been helped by knowing that they are not alone and encouraged to seek help from specialists by reading about my story.  But, like I said, I totally get what she was saying... when things go wrong there is no time to process what has happened.  The people who are our biggest supporters and cheerleaders are waiting for the results right alongside us.  A big frustration that I have is that there is no opportunity for the big reveal. As if infertility hasn't taken away enough from us... we don't get to have the exciting reveal.  Yes, I understand that finding out we are pregnant, if that happens for us, will be very exciting... but there won't be a dramatic reveal at 12 weeks... And yes, I get that I am being a whiny baby right now... total whiny baby...  I GET IT!! But, if I am being honest, it is something I think about.

My goal before the October/November cycle starts is to seek out blogs that will help through this next phase of the journey.  I have to admit that I am feeling very down.  I feel like I need a boost to make it through the trials that we still have ahead of us.  I am sure it has a lot to do with the change in hormones now that I am only on BCPs and not getting daily injections.  I can only imagine what is happening to me internally!  But, I also feel like my faith has been shaken a bit.  And if I am being honest, it has been shaken by rudeness.  Rudeness that has taken me by shock and surprise and rudeness that isn't really shocking, but is definitely disappointing.  It is so hard to truly believe AND accept that this is all part of God's plan for us.  It is hard to understand why we must wait for our family to grow.  It is hard to understand where we are supposed to take our lives while we wait.  It is hard to understand what needs to happen before it is the right time.  And it is hard to be thankful for the trials we are going through.  Though it is hard to understand, I have tried very hard to believe it and accept it.  But, when people are rude, and use their christianity as a basis, it makes it very difficult to continue to try so hard to look for the positives, the lessons, the timing, and the plan.  I know that this will pass and that without forgiveness the only person being hurt is myself.  I also know that by opening this up publicly I am opening up my life to scrutiny.  But, I am human... and because of that, I hurt.
As we continue through our journey I ask for continued prayers that I will be able to hold on to faith that this is all part of God's plan for Mike and I.  I believe in the power of prayer.  I believe in God's healing hand.  And I also admit that it is sometimes hard for me to pray for myself because it is hard for me to know what God's plan is and how my prayers line up with His plan.  I find that I often end prayers with "if it is Your will".  I find that I often feel that my prayers and my needs are so small compared to so many of those around me.  I look at families who are suffering from tragedies and I can't help but ask if that is what God is protecting me from... does He know that I am not strong enough to handle the trials that we would face if we were to grow our family.  Does He have other plans for me?  How do I know? How does anyone know?  When we moved to Monmouth I felt that it was meant to be.  Everything seemed to fall into place perfectly for us to make this our home.  I thought that the trials we had with infertility in Macomb happened because we were not meant to grow our family there and that things would change once we were settled in Monmouth.  We were closer to our families and our children would have the chance to grow up in the same neighborhood their dad grew up in.  But we have been here over 3 years now and it seems that we are no closer than we were then.
Mike would say that I am wrong.  That we are nowhere near where we were back then.  That we have come so far and that we have made so much progress in just a few months time, let alone the progress that we have made over the last 3 years.  He says that we are only getting started.  I wish I was able to look at things with that outlook.  But when I try I get so SAD... Sad to think that after 5 years we are JUST GETTING STARTED?!?!? REALLY!!! How can that be?  Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful for Mike and the fact that he is able to look at this situation and see that everything will come together when it is supposed to and that everything happens for a reason... but sometimes I just feel so alone in the pain and sadness.  Which brings me full circle... I am not alone... there are tons of blogs out there with people who have had similar experiences and similar feelings!! I can seek comfort in knowing that it is okay to be down in the dumps.  And that it is okay to be angry at rude people.  And that it is okay to cry because of kind gestures.  And that it is okay to not be okay!!! (And hopefully it is okay for every recent blog post to turn into a hormonal pity party!! I promise that I will try to get back to my normal, positive posts soon... just in time for them to jack me up on hormones AGAIN!!!!)
My other goal before the October/November cycle is to try to figure out what it is that I should be learning from all of this... seriously... there has to be something.  So, I am going to work hard to figure that out!
I hope everyone has a wonderful week!!  I hope that the recent posts aren't bumming people out!!

My final thought for the night is that I think a banana split with strawberry topping and double hot fudge WITH pecans sounds delicious!! And, I am sure my hubby would love to come home from work to a blizzard of some sort!  DQ here I come!! ;)
Thanks for reading!!

Hives...

So, I thought that I was done posting for a while, but then another CRAZY thing happened... First of all, I had a major panic attack yesterday due to all of my feelings and emotions regarding this infertility journey AND all of the stress of a new school year combined.  Mike was amazing and helped to get me calm and to stop the hyperventilation.  I feel like I am doing EVERYTHING I possibly can and things aren't working out.  I feel like it is very easy for people to judge me and to make comments that are hurtful, because they are on the outside looking in and they truly have NO idea what this is like and how much I try on a daily basis to remain positive and trust that this will all work out in God's perfect timing.  Then, after recovering from the panic attack, I went to school and worked until 12:30 this morning.  When I got home I told Mike that the injection areas on my rump were itching, which is weird because I haven't had a shot since last Wednesday.  By this morning the itching was painful and intense, but everything still looked normal.  Then right before school started I noticed the HIVES!! Yep, hives!  I asked the school nurse about it and she gave me some Benedryl cream.  It didn't help, so I called my doctor's office to see what was going on.  They said that they don't see this often, but they have seen it before.  I am having an allergic reaction to the sesame oil that the progesterone is mixed with.  We figured out that my prescription allergy medication may have been masking the reaction and because I have not taken it in two days the hives came out.  So now I am in pain from the reaction and I itch like crazy!  The nurse said that the hives are from the oil trying to "escape my body"!! YIKES!! That sounds frightening!! The only thing I could think while I was talking to her was, "Of course this would happen to me!  Why wouldn't it happen to me? Most unusual things do!!".

Well, I can't say that I live a dull and boring life.  Something is always keeping me on my toes!!
The nurse said they will order a different type of progesterone shot for me for the next cycle.  We are now signed up for the October/November cycle.  I was excited to hear that they have already discusses a new protocol for me and that they are already going to place the order for the medication. I am not as excited to PAY for the medication! ;)  But, we will do what we have to do!!! :)  I start back on the BCP on Wednesday.  So, that is step one toward success in October/November!  Hopefully the new protocol will be just what we need!

Thanks for following my crazy journey!

The truth...

This might be one of the strangest posts that I have made because it is kind of all over the place, but it is full of things I want to remember down the road so I am going to write it anyway!  I recently talked to a friend who has been through a lot of infertility issues and she said, "You swear to yourself that you will never forget any of this, but you do... and you have no idea how you forgot."  Every moment seems so big at the time.  Like it is unforgetable.  Like you will never recover from the emotions you are feeling... yet each day goes on and you have to make a choice to put a smile on your face and move forward or to dig deeper into your shell and allow the emotions to defeat you.  In the end, life continues on whether you are choosing to move forward or not.  Many times I have made the choice to put the smile on my face and have lived by the belief that if I continue to say that I am fine that I will be fine.  But then times like last night hit... I was exhausted both mentally, physically, and emotionally.  After a long, hot week at school I came home and instead of getting ready for the plans I had for the evening or even facing the mounds of work I still have for school, I just crashed.  I napped for 3 hours and then when I woke up I was just a mess! I didn't know if I wanted to laugh or cry... I was tired, I was angry with myself for not accomplishing anything that evening, I was upset that I had allowed myself to stay home instead of following through with plans, and most of all... I felt defeated!!  My hormones are going CRAZY right now because all injections have suddenly stopped.  I am happy that we have a break from the injections, but wowwie kazowie!  This is NUTS!!! I am a mess! These are the times that I have to push myself to continue to face all of my responsibilities and opportunities to do things because otherwise I will just dig deep into the shell and not function.  This week I was prepared for the news that the IUI was not successful.  I actually would have been shocked (in a great way, but shocked) if they would have said that it was successful.  But, I was not prepared for the emotions I would feel as I waited for the results and time continued to pass without hearing anything.  It made me realize just how vulnerable I am and that the "I am fine" front is very unstable.  It can only withstand so much!!  It made me realize that, regardless of how hard I try to fight against it, I am human and I can only take so much! 

On to the reason for this post... recently there have been people close to me that have admitted that they just don't know what to say or what to do because this situation is so uncomfortable.  And I TOTALLY get it!!! I have also had people admit that they are afraid... afraid that when they try to have a family they might face the same challenges that I am facing and that they will become me!  People reading this might say, "That is terrible!" or "I can't believe people would say these things."  But, I don't feel that way at ALL because I TOTALLY get it! There are days that I am in complete disbelief of our situation.  I feel like I am in denial sometimes and the most frequent thing I think is that I will wake up one day and realize that these things would never really happen naturally and that I somehow became the female version of "The Truman Show"!  You probably think I am joking, but I often feel that there is no other explanation for the chaos that I call life!! 

So, last night I was talking to my friend Stef and I told her that I totally get the fact that people feel uncomfortable or afraid.  I also told her that if it weren't happening to me I would TOTALLY be one of those people!!!!! How can I be upset with people who feel EXACTLY like I would??!? (Thankfully she totally understood and just listened to my insanity!! Thanks Stef!)  I would be terrified of the idea of facing infertility for any length of time.  After all, the natural thought process is about preventing pregnancy until you are ready to be responsible for lives other than your own... the natural thought process isn't "How am I going to get pregnant when the time comes?!?".  But, when people close to you struggle, it brings that question to the front of your mind... and then if things work out it brings an even worse internal battle... the battle you face when you can't help but feel happy that it wasn't you!  Yep, I am sure I am not the only person who has ever felt this way... the guilt and elation that you feel when you find out that crappy stuff didn't happen to you!  Guilt because you feel terrible for those that have faced those trials, but elation because you were scared to death that you would have to face the same things they were facing and WOOHOO everything worked out and life is FABULOUS!!! Those are the times that you quietly slip into your room and sob because you finally let yourself recognize JUST HOW TERRIFIED you actually were!! I have been there... I TOTALLY get it!! And, I have to be honest, I don't hold anything against those friends who have said they feel that way.  I respect that they opened up to me.  After all, Mike and I have seen a lot of doctors.  We have been through years of trial and error to get to where we are and we have trusted when we should have questioned. We can be helpful because of our experiences and we recognize that this might be it... we might not have our family someday, but we feel that there is a reason this is happening and maybe, just maybe, that reason is to help others who are facing challenges and help them to successfully have a family without facing as much as we did.  

This week I recognized that there are people close to me who have fears and that sometimes my smiling facade can make those fears more intense.  Those same friends have said that they don't feel that they can face the trials with the attitude that I have.  I honestly felt terrible about that because I guess by trying to put on a happy face so that I don't bum people out or seem like a whiner, I haven't been truthful.  The TRUTH is that I don't have it all together!  And, not only do I not have it together... I am pretty much a MESS!!! But, by saying that "I am fine.", I don't have to face that I am not.  And I don't have to face some of those fears... fears that this will never work out.  Recently, my newest coping mechanism is to say that if it doesn't work out I will move.  Move to someplace with a beach and a pool so that I can live the life of leasure.  When I sat down last night and really thought about it and what it meant that I now have this "flight" mentality I recognized that my fears have grown and that deep down I am full of doubt.  But instead of letting that doubt surface, I am looking at 1 bedroom condos on the ocean or Gulf of Mexico.  WHAT?!?!?! REALLY?!?!?  Do I really think I can just take off?!?!? NO! But, it is easier than thinking about what I would really do if we came to a point that we KNEW that this journey had come to an end.  (I am not saying these things because I want pity... I am just being honest because I don't like to be fake and all of this is a HUGE part of this journey... probably a bigger part than the actual procedures and protocols because these feelings are ALWAYS with me!!)

So, to all my friends/acquaintances/people I don't even know, but my blog has brought us together... it is okay!! It is okay to be afraid!  It is okay to be thankful that this isn't happening to you!  I would totally feel the same way!!! Like I told Mike last night, "It is only natural to want things to go well.  No one wants to face these issues." As I sit here this morning I started to think about other things.  No one wants to give people they love injections that hurt and bruise them.  No one wants to hear that "We will appreciate our children so much more because of this.".  No one wants to be told that "I should feel happy that there are so many people having children around me because I can just watch them for free and feel the same joy.'  Nope... it isn't the same.  Not even a little!!! No one wants to hear all the "life with no children" things that we should be thankful for from people that have made the CHOICE to have no children.  And these are just the things I have heard this week!  But, there have also been amazing things that happened this week!  People have reached out and shared their stories to help us feel less alone.  People have shared things that worked for them so that we could try those things out.  People have prayed for us... not only for this journey, but for our hearts and emotions as we passed the five year mark and entered into another waiting period before the October cycle.  And, even more people have just been kind.  Not because of anything we are going through, but because they are just good people who choose to be that way!! What more could a person ask for than kindness and compassion?!?! 

So, now that this post has become long and rambling it is probably time to go for the day!! Today I will force myself to complete some of my school work and to be social.  I will push myself to go to the Tri-State Rodeo because I know that I WANT to go and that it will be fun, but the easier thing would be to stay home and retreat... or to continue to look for 1 bedroom homes by the ocean, beach, or in the Ozarks!  ;)  So my goal for next week, as I face my formal evaluation, the start of the birth control pills again, and many challenging professional obligations, will be to face the week without the facade... Though I don't want to wallow I also don't want to be fake and pretending to be okay when I am not.  Sometimes I think I do that because it is easier than facing reality and sometimes it is because Mike faces this with such strength and I want to emulate that and try not to put my pain on him, but I have a feeling that my facade is lost on him.  I am sure he can see right through it! ;)  For now, goulash and paperwork!!! Can't think of a better way to spend a Saturday afternoon! ;) Then, I am off to the rodeo and to see Easton Corbin in concert!  Can't think of a better way to spend $15 today!! :)  So exciting!! And I will face tomorrow and everything that it brings with it when it comes!! 

Unfortunately it is negative

Yesterday was the big day.  I went in to Monmouth Hospital at 7:20 a.m. to get my blood test to determine if the IUI procedure was successful.  Though I did not have high hopes for success it is hard not to let myself get excited.  I checked my phone off and on throughout the day hoping that I would have a call from the doctor's office to give me the result.  No call came.  I waited until late afternoon and then I called because I didn't want them to close without giving me the results.  Not only did I want to find out, but I didn't want to have to have another rump shot if the result was negative.  The woman on the phone said I would have to leave a voicemail for the nurses and that someone would call me back before the end of the day.  So, I left a message and waited.  United West was in the Prime Beef Festival Parade so I walked with my phone in my pocket, ready to jump out of the parade if it was necessary to take the call.  But, no one called.  7:00 came and I had to do my shot.  By this morning I was VERY angry.  I called the lab at Monmouth Hospital to assure that they had faxed the lab work to my doctor's office.  They said that they finished the labs at 9:00 a.m. and that the computer immediately faxes the results to the doctor's office.  At that point I was even ANGRIER!!!! I called and left another message stating that I was calling back again because no one contacted me with my results and I would really like to know what was happening.  Later in the afternoon I finally got a call.  The nurse was very apologetic and said that somehow my message did not get to her.  She apologized several more times and then said, "Unfortunately your result was negative."
So, tonight we do not have to do a shot.  Instead we will go up to the prime beef festival and eat at the Lutheran tent.  I will get a cider slushy because I am not pregnant and therefore I can!! They said that I should start my period within 3-5 days and then they will put me back on the BCP to try to prepare me for the October IVF cycle.  I can't wait for the wonderful side effects that I get from the BCP!!! (Insert EXTREME sarcasm!!!)  Overall, this feels like the same type of disappointment that I have had with every cycle that has failed over the last 5 years.  I get frustrated with myself that I even let myself become hopeful, but then I think to myself that I am glad that I have a personality that allows so much hope.
Thank oyu for your continued support and prayers.  We appreciate you all!