June Gloom...

I remember going to San Diego in June about 11 years ago... It was cold and dreary and we quickly heard from many people that we were there during June Gloom.  I thought, "YUCK! Why would anyone want to live here!".  Well, for the last two years I have lived in my very own June Gloom!!  And honestly, I don't want to live here anymore!

Last June was a living nightmare.  I haven't looked back at posts from that time period.  I don't think I  want to.  I don't know if I was trying to sugar coat things or if I was honest.  I imagine that there is no way I could have been completely honest because I was in a DARK place.  I was losing my mind!  I was hanging on by a thread of my sanity.  I don't think that there has ever been a time in which I have cried SO hard for SO long.

This June I was numb.  I was sad.  I was a shell of my former self.  I could barely drag myself out of bed to make it to the couch.  And though I was honest in my posts about what was going on, which was pretty glum and down, they were nothing compared to what I was actually feeling.  I kept telling myself that I HAD to start getting up and doing something with my day.  It wasn't like I was sleeping away the days.  I was still getting up early every day and waking Mike up for work or meetings.  I was still staying up super late doing absolutely nothing... well, probably watching Netflix. ;) But, it was SO hard for me to actually face life.

I was feeling SOOOO terrible physically and emotionally.  My body was completely failing me.  I couldn't even cry because I had no tears left.  AT LEAST when I was feeling so badly last year I was crying and yelling and letting the feelings out (alone in my house... like a CRAZY person... But still, I was letting those feelings out!).  On a daily basis it was hard to find anything to feel good about and it was especially hard because there were people around that I still needed to attempt to plaster a smile on my face for.

I considered calling to see if my counselor that I stopped seeing 5 years ago was even still employed at the facility I used to go to.  For all I know she could be retired by now.  Who knows? I tried vitamins.  I tried reading things on the internet about common remedies for depression. None of it helped, but one thing was for sure, I was ABSOLUTELY depressed.

I know that the word "depressed" gets thrown around a lot.  But I know the true meaning of the word and I have been on medication for it and anxiety before.  I know what it is and it is ugly.  It is not something that you can just suck up.  It is not something that you can just shake off.  It is not something that you can wish away.  I also know that I have been able to control those feelings for YEARS without medication and I wanted to do anything and everything I could to not get back to that point again.

I actually started the anxiety/depression medication on our wedding day.  Before we even knew that we were infertile!  I spent so many years trying to smile through the pain and being a people pleaser and at that point I just couldn't do it on my own anymore.  I had been to counseling for over a year.  Probably 2 years and I just didn't want to live like I was anymore.  I honestly didn't know who I was at that point.  I spent so much time trying to "be happy" for other people that I was NEVER happy.  Whatever people wanted I just smiled and did it.  I will never be able to fully describe how I felt then, but to get to a point that I knew something had to change was HUGE.  After I started taking meds the counseling sessions were much more effective.  They diagnosed me with Generalized Anxiety Disorder.  They said that I had OCD tendencies and ADHD tendencies, but they did not know which was the primary and which was the secondary... hence the Generalized diagnosis.  I spent the next year taking various medications that ranged from causing me to feel absolutely HORRENDOUS to feeling functional, but not really different.  I had a new understanding of how my students who were medicated felt.  A change in the meds cound make you feel like a totally different person.  A missed dose could take a week to regulate.  It was terrible!  But, once they got it right it was AMAZING.  II didn't feel like a different person, I didn't feel like I was in a fog or like I was "drugged" or anything.  I could just function without the constant nagging pressure to be the best and please everyone... the pressure was still there, but it just wasn't as intense.  At that point I was able to actually function well enough to take in all of the strategies that I learned from my counselor and from the psychiatrist.  I was able to see a light at the end of the tunnel.  Eventually I was able to cut back on the meds and spread my sessions out with my counselor.  Then I went off the meds completely and just saw my counselor.  And when we moved, I said goodbye to Macomb and a month later I said goodbye to my counselor as well.  I wasn't CURED of my disorder or my tendencies, but I was able to use strategies to function!  I was able to see a little bit of GRAY in my black and white life.  (Anyone who knows a little about OCD knows that things are very black and white for people with OCD tendencies.  I would always say, "It isn't that I necessarily think my way is right and that I am not willing to change my views... it is that if there were a better way I would change what I do and do it that way."  That was a time in my life that was very difficult, but a time that was also amazing.  I was finally addressing something that was "wrong" in my life for a very long time and I was no longer afraid of the stigma of seeking help.  Honestly, it was fortunate that I didn't lose my life before I sought help.  There were times that I was just plain destructive to my life and thankfully those times did not win.  We all know people who were not that lucky.  (This blog is not the setting to go into more details about my experiences in counseling or my destructive behaviors (I will say that none of these behaviors involved doing drugs. I don't want anyone reading this to get that impression.  Thankfully I never felt that they would be the answer to any of my problems.). Just know that I would be happy to make recommendations to anyone who feels that they are at a point in their lives that they need and want change.  It can be scary to make that step, but it is even scarier to live in a way that you are careless and could not care less about living.  I am happy to help in any way that I can!)

With that little bit of background in mind, I think that the fact that I have OCD tendencies caused me to approach infertility in a slightly different way than I have read in other blogs and postings by people going through it.  I was very willing to try whatever I was told was the best option because it was very black and white to me... If this is the best option then it is what we will do.  Why wouldn't we?  As long as we have had a plan, I felt like I was making gains.  No plan equalled DOOM!!! And basically June has been a month of NO PLAN for two years now.

Last week I began to realize that I was ablsolutely on a down hill spiral.  I had finally stopped bleeding and I was able to step out of the chaos for a moment and see that I was in a terrible mind set.  I tried to snap out of it, but as I said before, nothing seemed to help. I determined that June was a total loss, but that I needed to make a change.  That I needed to give myself a boundary and to determine that July could NOT be another June.  What has changed? Well, in our situation absolutely nothing has changed... so it just has to be a change in mindset.  I am going to take the Plexus supplements and I am going to work on becoming healthier.  I am going to attempt to take back my life and not let infertility continue to make me feel like less of a person.  Am I a different person now?  Absolutely!  Will I ever go back to being the person I was when I left counseling? No, there is no way that I could.  Too much has happened to change me, but that doesn't mean that I can't be better.

I have knowledge today of so many things that I didn't when I walked out of the door at MDH 5 years ago.  I am stronger than I ever could have imagined.  I have worked through so many things and broken so many of the obsessions that I still had when I left counseling.  I have overcome fears, I have faced scary situations... of course I can be BETTER than I was back then.  Is it going to be hard to move into a new mindset? Of course it is.  But then again, there are not a lot of things that are worth it that aren't hard.

I can't continue to be a shell of my former self.  So today, July 1st, I am moving out of the June Gloom and looking forward to working on becoming a healthier me.  That doesn't mean that things will be sunshine and rainbows from here on out.  But it does mean that I am trying and that is step one!

Thank you for your support as we continue on this journey.  I am sure I will need your help to keep the "gloom" behind me!! :)

The latest

Well, there is not a ton to update on at this point. I want to make sure to fill in the gaps so that when I read this blog later in life, or even just a couple months from now, I am able to recall what was going on.  Sometimes, if  I reread blog posts I will look at it and think, "Why didn't I write that" or "Waid, I totally forgot to update about that".  I think it is because I often forget that I didn't already post things!

My period finally stopped after 23 days.  June 16th was the last day, so June 17th was pretty exciting!!  I followed the protocol that the doctor's office gave me, taking the birth control pill again on June 18th.

Something that I forgot to write about in May is that I actually did email my old facility.  It is SO weird because I REALLY thought that I wrote a blog post about it, but I can't find one.  The day after I made the post stating that I was thinking about emailing SHER I stumbled upon the infertility story of the AMAZING IVF coordinator from SHER... YEP, you read that right... it turns out that when they tried to have a family they struggled and they ended up being an IVF success story.  Their story is absolutely amazing!!! It can be found on SHER's website under "The Neils' Story".  I am so happly for them.  I can only assume that they are either VERY close to having a new baby now or they have already had her!!  I emailed right away and congratulated her.  I also emailed the financial lady there and she sent back that she did remember me, but that she was leaving for another facility.  SO, it will be a new doctor there, the IVF coordinator there will likely be on maternity leave, and the financial consultant lady will be new.  Sounds like we would be starting from scratch if we end up there.

Unfortunately I have already started bleeding again.  Monday morning I woke up and was so upset to discover that my body has gone CRAZY again.  I haven't even called the doctor yet because I know that there is nothing that they can do.  It is light bleeding, not heavy.  We have already done a PAP test, so if there are bad cells causing this we should get a phone call within a week or two telling us that.  I am guessing that it is just my body going crazy again.

I have determined that I am not joining my family on their Florida trip.  Who wants to go to the beach when they have no idea what their body will be doing.  I have cramps all the time and it would be miserable to be at the beach with cramps and yuck!!!

I think that I am actually going to call the doctor and ask if I should just go off of the pill after tonight's dose (it has been 14 days like it was last time they had me do a reset) and just let myself have a period.  Or if it would be best just to wait and stop it after next Wednesday's final dose and then just not refill my prescription.  I am guessing that they will say to wait until next Wednesday.  Which is fine.  I just want to stop putting hormones into my system that are not working for my body.

I started taking Plexus yesterday after about 2 months of reading information and considering it.  I decided that it would be helpful for my insulin resistance, if nothing else.  But, I have read a lot of stories of people who have been helped with their various infertility cases by using these products.  Even if it just helped me to "feel better" and detox after all of the crazy meds they have had me on I would be THRILLED.  I feel like we have tried EVERYTHING under the sun to get pregnant, so I might as well try this, too!!!

I am going to make another post after this about June.  It will explain a little more about the way I have been feeling, but I hope this post filled in some of the gaps.  At some point I will probably read through the blog and see if there are things that I left out that I want to remember!  Probably not today though! ;)

I hope everyone has a great day!

Update and Annual Exam

To catch everyone up, I went to the school board meeting last Thursday and found that not all of the staff had turned in their insurance applications for Blue Cross Blue Shield on time or completed correctly so we do not have any information on what insurance we will have for the next year.  This is frustrating because I will not be able to determine what facility we will use or complete any cycles this summer without knowledge of what our insurance will be.  I am trying to look at the bright side and think that after the long, horrible cycle I just finished my body might have a little break from the crazy.  I am not going to lie and say that it is easy, but at least I can see a bit of silver lining through the muck! ;)

Today I had my annual exam.  I know how much we all LOVE annual exams! ;) Well, I was actually excited to see the nurses who were so helpful to me in the earlier stages of our infertility.  They are so caring and truly make me feel that they are cheering for us and praying for us throughout this journey.  The sweet nurse of my nurse practitioner gave me a hug and asked me if we had any good news to share.  She said that she prays for us and thinks of us often (We have been told that we are kind of celebrities in that office due to my special cases... aka: what a complete mess I am... not sure that is a good thing!!! HAHA!!). She said that she just knows that things will work out for us.  She took down all of my new information and was shocked to hear everything my body had been through since I was there one year ago.

I was also excited for this visit because I knew that they had changed the timeline for when you have to have a Pap Smear and this was not supposed to be a year I had to have one.  But, bummer... they decided that since I have been on so many meds I needed to have the Pap test just to be safe.  So, we took care of that and the rest of the wellness exam and reviewed the status of all of my IVF stuff.  (This is my regular gynocologists office, not the reproductive endocrinologist, so they were not up to date on everything that has happened.)  She started off by saying that she would recommend that I start getting mammograms at the age of 35 if my insurance will cover it.  (I instantly thought of Giuliana Rancic and the fact that they found breast cancer during her infertility treatments... I am glad that this lady is thinking about the all of the side effects that infertility meds can cause.  It is not fun to think about, but it is the smart thing to do.) I told her that I would be 34 next month, so I would have to start looking into it next summer.  She told me that I look 25 and that compared to people who have gone through much less than I have (treatment wise) she said I look amazing.  She said my skin looks fabulous and that she feels that the stress and emotions of all of this are not showing external signs.  She said that some people come out of treatment cycles looking extremely rough! I thanked her for that and told her that I wasn't sure I looked that young, but I appreciated the compliments! ;) I said that I guess weight gain as my major side effect wasn't as bad as "looking extremely rough"!!! Once again... silver lining! ;)

I guess it is easy to beat yourself up and forget that your body is really going through the ringer.  I read a blog entry last night from a girl who said that she no longer owns a camera due to what infertility treatments have done to her body and the way she looks now.  She hasn't had surgeries and scars like I have, but she has also experienced weight gain and I think the hormones have caused some of the "rough" look that my nurse practitioner spoke of.  All I could think of is how sad I am for her.  She said that she used to love to take pictures and she actually had many pictures from pre-infertility treatments up on her page, but she had none that were anywhere close to current.  I admit that I cringe when I see a picture of the new me. I am okay with the everyday life, walking by a mirror and seeing what has happened to my body... but a PICTURE... that is a tough pill to swallow.  So, I get it.  I understand how she could get to the point that she wouldn't even want a camera around.  But, then again, I look pictures from over the last 6 years and I see the various points of our journey.  I see times that my hormones were out of wack and I am "ballooned out" and I see times that we were making progress and the balloon has deflated some.  It really is all part of this process and it is part of our story.  I try to embrace it and shake it off as much as I can, accepting that some days will be easier than others and that someday I will look back at pictures from this time of my life and remember how strong I had to be during this time.  Or I will just look back and say WOW! I really ballooned out!! ;) This week I donated 5 bags of clothes to the Strom Center and I already feel better knowing that I don't have the pressure of trying to fit into the various sizes that were in my dresser from the last year.  Like I told the nurse practitioner, the week that they had me on NO MEDICATION, absolutely nothing, I lost 6 pounds without changing a single thing in my routine or diet.  But, as soon as they added the BCP back to my routine I stopped losing weight immediately and have just stayed right at that point.  My body just does not like taking hormones!!! 

Back to the appointment... Everyone at the office was so kind and told me that they had truly hoped that I would come in with great news.  I went through a lot with that office as we discovered my vitamin deficiences and endometriosis.  I can tell that they truly care about me and it felt good to know that they have been praying for our journey.  The nurse practitioner who completed my exam asked me if I believe in God's perfect plan and I told her that I do, but it doesn't mean that it is easy.  She laughed and said that after nearly 6 years and all the treatments we have been through it would be hard for anyone to be strong all the time.  She told me that she would continue to pray.  She told me that most people would not have made it this far in their journey and still be willing to continue on with it.  

Before I left she asked me how I was doing emotionally.  I told her that I have found myself going through stages.  I said that I am beyond the stage of feeling shame for not being able to get pregnant and the stage of embarassment that my body is not doing what humans are designed to do.  Those stages lasted a long time.  I told her that I am now at a point in which it is hard, but I realize that I am doing everything I possibly can to try to grow our family.  I told her that it is really hard for me to be AS hopeful as I was in the begining because it is just too hard to get that disappointing call and to mourn the loss of those embryos.  We talked about the fact that I have lost 6 embryos and how that can effect a person.  We talked about my desire to find a new protocol so that we do not continue the insanity of repeatedly attempting the same protocols.  We talked about adoption and the fact that the private adoption sites that I looked at had a requirement that we would be finished with fertility treatments if we started the adoption process.  We talked about why they have that requirement and the fact that I completely understood why that policy existed.  We also talked about the fact that I am just not ready to give up yet and that I don't feel "called" to adopt yet.  It was so nice that she was empathetic and asked questions that she truly wanted to know the answers to without passing judgement.  And it was nice that she had a true understanding of the logistics of all of this and the fact that none of this is as easy as it sounds or seems.

They were very surprised by the fact that my current specialist took me off of all of my supplements that were being used to regulate my iron, ferritin, vitamin D, and vitamin B levels.  I explained that he doesn't believe in those deficiencies causing difficulties with fertility and that he doesn't believe in high natural killer cells or insulin resistance causing issues either.  Hopefully a different facility will address those issues.

Now I wait a couple weeks to get the results.  Hopefully we find that everything is still perfectly fine and that there are no new concerns.

Thank you for your continued support as we continue through this journey!! I am blessed with a great support system! :) 

The craziness continues...

It has been quite a while since I last wrote a post.  The last I wrote I had called the doctor and I was waiting to find out the results of blood work.  I guess things just got crazy busy at that point because I never posted an update with the results... When they called with the results they said that I did not ovulate for some reason.  They gave me medication called Provera and told me that I needed to take it for 10 days and that sometime between the day I stopped taking it and 7 days after I stopped taking it I would get a period.  Well, not surprisingly, I started bleeding on day 7 of taking the medication.  Of course I panicked! Though I was glad to end the terribly long, ovulationless cycle (it ended up being 6 weeks/ 42 days long) I did not know why my body was reacting early.  It was Memorial Day, which meant the the office was closed, but first thing the next morning I called the doctor's office again and they told me to continue taking the medicine or my body could stop this reaction and I could have further problems. GREAT!!!! They also told me that since I would take my last pill on Thursday I would need to start birth control on Friday in order to attempt to get my body regulated for a future IVF cycle.  So, I finished out the meds which were HORRIBLE due to yucky side effects.   So much pain, cramping, bloating, etc.  I looked up reviews of the meds to make sure that I shouldn't be concerned about what was going on with my body, but I quickly found out that the side effects were 'normal'... Yay! ;) Grouchy does not even begin to describe the way I felt and I really can't describe the way I was feeling physically.   I followed the protocol that they gave me and I waited... I read more about the meds because I was feeling SO terrible and having such a heavy response... I called the doctor again after 15 days of heavy bleeding and asked them what I should do.  (After one of my surgeries I had 20 days of bleeding and was very anemic.  They used birth control to stop the bleeding.  The fact that I was already on the birth control made me very nervous and I could tell that my iron was very low because I was very symptomatic.) After I left a message for the nurse I drove to Peoria just in case they would try to fit me into an open slot.  I felt bad enough that I wanted to make sure I was available if they were available.  the Mercers met me in Peoria and we hung out while we waited for the doctor's office to call back.  When they hadn't called back 6 hours later I left another message.  She called me back a little before 4:00 and said that I was going to have to make a choice.  Evidently my body lost a lot of lining very quickly, causing my lining to be extremely thin.  She said that if the lining is too thick it will not shed (supposedly this was my initial problem). She said that is the lining is too thin it will not stop shedding (supposedly this was what was happening as I spoke to her). The heaviness and clotting were a common issue caused by the meds. SO, I had a choice to make.  I could either stay on the pill and continue bleeding indefinitely, but be able to complete a July cycle if everything worked out with insurance and a protocol/facility we were happy with OR I could stop the pill, which should cause a "reset" for my body and should stop the bleeding by the 18th.... Yep, you read that right I was talking to her on the 8th and we were hoping for a possible stop by the 18th. :( I asked her what she would do if she were me and she said that one of the things that they love about me and appreciate about me is that I am always willing to do whatever is asked of me and whatever it takes in order to have a chance to grow our family.  But, if it were her and she were symptomatic of anemia like I was she would stop the pill and risk missing out on the next IVF cycle.  That was all I needed to hear.    I truly was feeling terrible.  I couldn't imagine continuing to feel this way indefinitely as we waited to hear about the new insurance.  So, they instructed me to continue to take the birth control through Wednesday night and stop it on Thursday.  I followed their instructions and I am currently at 21 days/ 3 weeks of bleeding and I am still feeling awful.  I am taking supplements to try to keep my iron, ferritin, and vitamin b levels up, but they also cause stomach issues so I have to be careful of that.  I don't take them everyday to prevent the stomach issues from getting too intense, but I feel so zapped when I don't take them.  My chiropractor also reminded me last time that I was there that due to my endometriosis I am also bleeding internally right now because the endometriosis is shedding just like my regular lining is.  That causes a lot of pain and an amazingly attractive amount of bloat and inflamation!! ;) I don't even want to know what they would find if they did another surgery for the endometriosis.  This CANNOT be good for it! :(

So, I continue to wait for my body to determine that it is going to stop being crazy.  I have to start the birth control again on Thursday in order to complete the "reset". I am hopeful that things will go back to normal then, although it would not be shocking to me if I had to call and seek guidance again.  Thursday night is also the school board meeting in which they will determine the insurance that we will have starting July 1st.  Once we know that information I will be able to start making calls to determine where we will move forward.  It is maddening to think that if our insurance would have changed in July last year instead of in June we might not have had to go through this craziness.  I truly believe that the intralipid therapy with Dr. Horowitz would have been the answer and that was supposed to start at the beginning of June last summer.  The schools fiscal year begins July 1st, so it really would have made sense to have it change then... Ehh, I know that there is nothing that can be done now, but that doesn't make it any easier to stomach... Especially when things are so frustrating right now.  Unfortunately Dr. Horowitz has now moved to Virginia or West Virginia (or some other Eastern state!).  So, we are really starting from scratch as we try to move forward and I will be turning 34 next month.  That might not sound like a big deal, but if you look up the chances of getting pregnant at the age of 34 and beyond when you have stage 4 endometriosis and high natural killer cells you will see why it is so much scarier than when I was 32 (almost 33) when we were supposed to go through IVF last June. Each month has a bleaker outlook. :/ (Sorry, I realize that this is quite a downer post, but it is just the reality of what we are facing.)

Yesterday was our 6th wedding anniversary.  Mike had a client meeting in the morning, an open house in the afternoon, and he worked at the Italian Village until a little after 11 last night which meant that I had a LOT of time to sit at home and think... WOW! Things are so different than I had imagined they would be at this point in our lives.  We have been together for over 11 and 1/2 years now and we really thought that we would start a family not long after we got married 6 years ago.  Boy do plans change!!! So many things are different than I imagined... Though most of the time I am able to go with the flow and roll with the fact that this isn't how I imagined things would be for us at this point there are times like today that it is just hard.  I can't be sunshine and rainbows all the time. It just wouldn't be real and I want this blog to be authentic.

I am sure that tomorrow will be a better day.  I am going to take my iron and ferritin again, so it might give me a little pep and energy! :)

Mike and I will have a lot of decisions to make and they will need to be made very quickly once we find out what my insurance will be.  We appreciate your continued thoughts and prayers as we try to determine the path that we are meant to travel.  It is so hard to be patient and wait for God's timing.  Mike appears to be MUCH better at waiting than I am.  We don't talk about his much when we are in a "waiting phase", so I don't really know his thoughts on it right this moment, but I can say with certainty that he isn't a looney as I am right now... but, to give myself a little credit, he also hasn't been bleeding heavily for 3 weeks!! ;) hahahah!!

Thank you for your continued support of our journey.  I hope to have some good news updates soon!  If we switch to Blue Cross Blue Shield I plan to contact an endometriosis clinic soon to see what they have to offer us in terms of protocol and information.  I also plan to contact SHER Institute to see what the new doctor has to say about my case.  If we find out that we are sticking with Health Alliance as our insurance we will submit our paperwork to Iowa City to implant our remaining embryo and then we will have to determine how we will move forward from there due to their embryo freezing policies.  At this point I feel that moving to Blue Cross Blue Shield would have the best options for us, but I have to trust that things will work out the way they are supposed to.  We should know in just a few days either way.

Have a great evening.  Try to stay dry in all of this crazy stormy weather we are having!

Called the doctor...

I called the doctor yesterday to ask them if it was normal to have such a long cycle. They said that it wasn't normal and they told me that I needed to go for bloodwork to check my hormone levels. I went after school to the hospital in Monmouth. The doctor's office called with the results just after lunch today.  They said that I did not ovulate and they prescribed progesterone to me that I have to take for 10 days. They said that it should force me to have a period.  I am tired, cranky, tired of being tired,and cranky!!!! ;) I truly don't understand why all of this has been SO difficult. I am absolutely missing whatever it is that I am supposed to learn from this and I am struggling to find the silver lining. :/ To say that I am feeling defeated would be an understatment!!! ;)

I have realized recently that there are people who think that I am trying to seek attention through my infertility issues. Not only is that hurtful, but it is idiotic.  Their is nothing glamorous about admitting that you are experiencing infertility or about the treatments for the infertility.  There is no part of this that makes me feel special. I would LOVE for this to have never come to the point where I had to share what was happening. Unfortunately that isn't how life worked out.  In 3 months we will have been trying for 6 years to have a family.  I was very happy to keep this all a secret until situations occurred that I needed to open up about it.  Unfortunately things came up that made it very difficult to stay quiet.  There are people in this world who truly need to watch out because the bad fairies will get them someday for their nasty words, attitudes, and ways.  Empathy and compassion can take a person a long way in this world...

On a lighter note, the kiddos seem to love my "black and purple" hair... Well, most of them!! Some of them are really shocked and disturbed that I would do something like this!! Hahahah!!! I have decided that it was a fun change and I am glad I did it!! :)

Thank you to those of you who have been such a wonderful support system!! Your kindness is greatly appreciated!!

35 days and counting...

As if this process isn't maddening enough, my period is at least a week late. I have now taken two tests. One when my period didn't come last weekend and one tonight. Both were negative. At this point I don't really have a doctor, so I don't really know what to do. of course I consulted the Internet and it said to contact a doctor's office and they will know if I should be seen or not. Well, I am in limbo right know with my doctor's so I am just feeling frustrated and nervous about what this means. Of course my mind keeps jumping to the fact that my egg reserve has been undetectable for over a year now... This could be it... I could be all out of eggs. :/ 

Hopefully something happens very soon or I guess I will have to call my old specialist. I haven't told them that I am leaving their practice yet, so I guess it won't be completely awkward. 

That is all for now. 

Still no plan...

Nothing really new to report from the McVey house... Mother's Day came and went and I was very surprised at the sting I felt.  It was a new feeling for me.  I told Mike that my best guess was that we have tried so many things over the last year that it just felt like more of a loss this year than usual.  I don't really know... I think it could also be that my period is late and I felt the need to take a test that not surprisingly was negative... Why oh why must I do that to myself?!?!
They should have my picture up at all area stores with a note that tells cashiers not to sell pregnancy tests to the crazy woman in the picture!!! ;) it could also be the fact that we re getting closer Dan closer to 6 years of trying to grow our family... Only 3 and 1/2 months until that day hits. :/

As for where we stand now, over a month has passed and we are still not any closer to a plan for moving forward. We originally thought that we would try to go to a facility in the suburbs that specializes in endometriosis.  After finishing my grad classes and finally looking into what was covered under my insurance plan I quickly found that there are no reproductive endocrinologists covered by our insurance from any of those facilities.  There are actually only 21 of them covered in the whole country and 2 of them are the doctors that I have been seeing most recently.  So, as of last Tuesday we are back to being planless.

Recently I have had several people ask why this has been such a difficult decision as we move forward.  The answer to that question is that we now have one embryo left and we do not know if I have anymore eggs left. It has been over a year since the doctor tested levels that told us that my egg supply was undetectable.  We were thrilled that after a failed cycle in which there were no eggs to retrieve we were able to try again and were able to fertilize 7 eggs.  Now that we only have one of those embryos left we are left with the possibility that we will not be able to retrieve any eggs and we will have reached the end of our journey.  Unfortunately we will not know until we get to that point. So, we are spending a lot of time just trying to figure out what to do.  We are afraid that going to a facility that does not specialize in endometriosis would result in another failed cycle.  We are also not willing to go to a facility that will not freeze all of our embryos if we were to have embryos reminding from a future cycle.  That is a moral decision that we feel strongly about.  We recognize that other people might think it is a ridiculous reason to not go to a facility, but we are the only people who have to live with our decision so we will make it with our beliefs in mind.

Another thing that I am kind of waiting on is the fact that we are at that time of year when the insurance companies are giving the school bids for next years coverage.  I guess I am still holding onto hope that there is a chance that we will get an opportunity to go back to our old facility that has special treatment protocols for patients with endometriosis and high natural killer cells.  There is a new doctor there, but from what I have read I feel that she has a lot of experience and I am hopeful that she would be able to help me just as much as Dr. Horowitz had intended to.  I honestly haven't even talked to Mike about this possibility because I have been too nervous to talk about things that might not even be possible.  We seem to be putting off this big decision and maybe the reason is that in the end this possibility will be available to us.  Hopefully I will know very soon!!! Part of me wants to email the IVF coordinator at that facility and see how quickly she would be able to get me started with a cycle if our insurance was to magically change.  Who knows, maybe she won't even remember me... But I feel like I am pretty unforgettable!! Hahahah!!! I emailed her almost daily!! ;)

Well, that is the latest in the McVey house.  Nothing too exciting.