The two week wait... Over the last couple weeks I have read many online postings about the "two week wait". Many of them are from people who are begging for others to give them any hope that they could possibly be pregnant. They type signs/symptoms and their dpt (day past transfer). They take test after test and then ask people if it is still possible for them to be pregnant even though the tests were negative. Some of the people who respond are kind. Some are not so kind. But for the most part there is nothing that the people responding can say that will ease the minds of the people writing the initial posts.
I understand their need for comfort during the wait. I find myself typing my symptoms into google so I can see that there are others who have felt like me. I haven't joined any of the "support groups" or ivf forums, but I have read a gazillion of their conversations. Then I look to see their stamp... did the people who wrote the post end up pregnant? What about the people who were responding that they had the same symptoms... did they end up pregnant?? I have taken home pregnancy tests, knowing that they would show a negative because it was too soon, but also hoping that the people who posted online about their "early BFP" (big fat positives) were right that I could get an early positive, too! I know that this probably sounds crazy, but after 5 and 1/2 years the wait seems like forever... not because it is two weeks long, but because of what is at stake... one blood test will change everything. Mike tells me that regardless of the results everything will be okay. I know he is right, but the idea of going through another loss is just so hard to stomach. I have done everything they told me to do and I haven't done any of the things they told me not to. Yes, there were probably some days when I was on my feet more than I should have been, but I made sure to get off my feet as soon as I got home. It is so easy to question every move I made. And, it is hard to be optimistic because of the countless times that we have had negative tests.
I have been much more calm throughout this wait than the previous waits, but I also have not been able to convince myself that this time will be different. (Ironically, as I am typing this there is a song on Pretty Little Liars that is singing "It's different, it's different, it's different" repeatedly.) As we come closer to the end of the wait my fears just intensify because it is hard to imagine continuing with the shots and the pills and the patches that make me feel so crummy, not knowing if there is a child in our future.
We appreciate your support so much! I appreciate that you let me have these moments in which my fears outway my hope. And I appreciate that you continue to support us through your thoughts and prayers, encouraging me to move forward when all hope seems lost. I keep wondering if I can do this again if we don't get the positive outcome that we are hoping for. But honestly, I can't imagine how painful it would be to always wonder if we would have had success if I was just brave enough to try again. I also keep telling myself that these two embryos that we transfered are fighters! I keep telling myself that they are in their fighting each day and that I need to continue to do everything I can to support them and help them grow.
The online ivf ap tells me that if our little ones made it I am 4 weeks pregnant. It says that their brains, gastrointestinal tracts, hearts, and spinal cords are beginning to develop. How amazing is that!! All of that is happening while I am waiting to for this test!
I hope that this week I will have wonderful news to share!! But I know that your thoughts and prayers will lift us up regardless of the outcome!
Oh... and I do have happy news to share this week! My sister Jen had her baby at 12:01 a.m. on Friday!! Our family is blessed to have Dolcey Jaymes Kulow as our newest member. She is absolutely precious and I can't wait to meet her!! :)
Thank you for your continued support! I will keep you posted!
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