Negative.

This morning Mike drove me over to the hospital for my blood test so that I didn't have to worry about the roads.  We waited for the lady at admitting to get all the proper information into the computer and then we waited our turn in the lab.  It was very uneventful except for the fact that I felt like I could throw up at anytime.   Then, when they were finished, I called my doctor's office and left a message on their answering service line to let them know to watch for my results. Mike ran the snow blower some more and then went to work.  I waited.  I waited throughout the morning and for a few hours into the afternoon.  I made a plan that if they didn't call by 3:00 I would call them again.  I also decided that it was possible that the lady I called didn't make it to work and that if I didn't hear anything by 4:00 I would call and leave a message for someone else.  Just before 3:00 the phone rang and it was the Peoria number.  I answered and I knew right away that it was the same tone of voice as it had been each time before.  She told me that "unfortunately my results were negative".  She told me that she was sorry and then said that I should stop all medications and that I should report my period to the IVF coordinator when it happens.  She also told me that it should start in the next 3 - 5 days and that if it does start this week I would probably be able to get into the March cycle.  At that point I was upset and I said, "What would be different that cycle?".  She answered honestly that there wouldn't be any changes that she was aware of.  I decided right then that I don't want to continue with treatments if nothing was going to change.  I asked her if it would be possible to start looking at my elevated levels of natural killer cells as a culprit of our continued negatives.  Afterall, we are not just looking at the 3 negatives we have had while with this facility.  We are looking at 5 and 1/2 years of negatives... month after month.  She said that the doctor does not believe that research shows elevated levels of natural killer cells as valid reason for infertilty.  But, she said that he has moved forward with treatment in certain cases and she would ask if he would add a baby asprin to my protocol next time.  I said that I wanted more than that.  I quickly grabbed my "infertility bag" and searched madly through it.  It was like I was in autopilot... I was going to find what I needed... I was going to find the protocol from my old facility so that I could fix this.  The nurse said that I didn't have to find it right then... that she understood if I needed time and that I could call back with the information later.  But I couldn't give up on it.  I had to do whatever I could at that exact moment to make things better.  Finally, I found the protocol and read off everything that was listed.  I also tried to remember the things they said they would do after implantation, but I had a harder time with that.  She said that she would speak with the doctor and let me know what he said.  I thanked her for speaking to him on my behalf.  I thanked her for letting me know the results and then we hung up.  I stopped for a moment and cried and thanked God for the fact that it was a snow day so that I didn't have to once again take in this news within a few seconds and then continue teaching for the rest of the day.  I can't imagine doing that again.  The first two times were hard enough.  I called Mike to tell him the news.  I hung up the phone and cried until I was hyperventilating.  I got myself under control, sent text messages to our families, and then I cried until I hyperventilated again.  Then I made it my mission to put away any and all medications related to this cycle.  I also took care of some things that I couldn't do when I was on restriction.  I threw things into drawers, bags, and garbage bags.  I cussed and cried. (Yep... some of my finest moments were occurring.)  I didn't hear back from the doctor's office regarding whether they will move forward with a revised protocol before they closed at 4:30.  When Mike got home from work I told him that I really don't want to move forward with another cycle if it is just going to be the same as it has been.  I don't think it is fair to continue to implant embryos without a different approach.  I don't feel like it is giving them a fair chance at life.  And, I don't think I can keep facing the fact that I won't ever know if we were having a boy or a girl... who they would look like... who they would act like... I just couldn't do it.  So, we will see what they say and then we will look at all of our options.
Tonight I drank a chai tea latte, something I couldn't have over the last two weeks but craved daily.  The first sip was delicious, but it wasn't as relaxing as it usually is because of what it meant.  For the last two weeks there were so many things that I didn't do or drink or eat because I was trying to protect those little babies, but at some point something went wrong.  Regardless of how hard I tried, something still went wrong.  It is such a helpless feeling to know that it was out of our control.

Now as I finish this I am thinking of the things that I need to finish before bed... the rest of the dinner dishes, wiping down the counters, paying some bills.  And reality hits that life goes on despite the sadness and pain.  Dinner still had to be made tonight.  Dishes still have to be done.  Bills still have to be paid.  And tomorrow there will be kiddos who need me to be there for them.  Kiddos who will expect to be greeted with a smile.  And that is what I will do because like I said, life must go on despite sadness and pain.

Thank you for the support you have given us.  Thank you for the thoughts and prayers that you sent our way.