New Protocol

I knew that today was the day that I would set up our new protocol.  I was a mess most of the day, but I was trying my best to keep it together.  At the end of the day I went across the hall and admited to a great friend that I was really having a rough time... sweating, shaky, felt like I could cry at any minute yet couldn't just do it... I was on the verge of a panic attack and there was absolutely nothing that was helping.  I got home and tried cleaning up the kitchen while I waited for the call and quickly decided that a glass of cherry juice and some potato chips were a MUCH better idea.  And as I sat there I felt sick.  The call came from our facility and the IVF coordinator said that she had some dates for me.  My chest tightened as she read off the dates and I realized that we were really doing this again.  I KNOW that it is what I need to do.  It is just so hard to imagine starting this process again when we just lost two of our babies and I am still trying to physically recover from the previous cycle... not to mention the emotional recovery.  Then she started talking about the protocol.  They really want to try another oil based progesterone.  The idea of it makes me feel SICK!  I just want to use an oral pill, but they really want to try a different oil.  :( And if I don't use the estrogen patches because I was reacting to them they want to use a vaginal applicator again.  I know that it was progesterone that failed that way before, not estrogen, BUT I am terrified! Terrified that we will lose more babies because we are trying things that my body just doesn't seem to like.  And, during the process I am a nervous wreck, I feel sick, and I am just a big, fat MESS!  So, I told her I was concerned and she said she would talk to the Dr and get back to me on Thursday.  I tried to talk to Mike about it.  I tried to let him know what they said on the phone.  I really did.  At least I thought I was saying those things.  I tried to tell him that I was NOT okay, but obviously I was not clear because I ended up upset and sitting in the dark in my bedroom trying to keep myself from having a panic attack.  When I came down an hour and a half later Mike thought I was mad at him and was very confused.  I explained that I wasn't mad at him and that I am just NOT okay right now.  I explained that none of this was okay. I cried and I tried to explain that nothing feels okay about all of this.  He suggested waiting and/or trying to find a different facility, but that just doesn't feel like the right thing to do either... so I just cried and then I cooked... I cooked and cooked and cooked.  I made chicken for chicken caesar salad (which was delicious).  I cooked over 9 pounds of hamburger meat to freeze.  I made goulash for lunches.  I made  sausage so that if this all works out and my soup cravings start again I can make that yummy soup I love so much!  And now I am sitting here thinking that I don't want to go to bed and chance losing it again.  I am also sitting here thinking that my kitchen appears to have exploded!  It is a DISASTER! And, I have already run the dishwasher once! And washed all of the pans by hand once.  BUT, I think I am just going to say that it will all be there tomorrow night when I get home from work because I really just don't want to deal with it!

So, the update is that we have a date for our next transfer and I am terrified.  We haven't shared the date with our families yet, so I am going to wait for another update to share it.  One family member knows the date because it is a special date, but other than that I just wasn't in a frame of mind to get ahold of people tonight.
I am hoping that today was just a rough day and that I am able to move forward without this sick feeling.  I also hope that my body starts to feel better so that I feel better going into the next cycle.

Thank you for your continued thoughts and prayers.  Thankfully tomorrow is a new day!! :)