Yesterday I waited for the 4 p.m. deadline and without hearing anything from the insurance company or my facility I called the pharmacy and told them that they did not need to continue to attempt to run my prescriptions. I then called the facility and told them that they would need to cancel my appointments that have been scheduled for the March cycle due to the fact that we were not approved for the March cycle in time. The woman from the business office asked if I had asked about reimbursement and attempted to offer to pay out of pocket for the medications. I told her that I had called and Health Alliance did not receive any paperwork to approve me for the cycle. She then asked me who I had spoken to and when I told her that I talked to a woman named Amanda and that she had her supervisor look into it as well. The business office woman assured me that it was sent last week and she said that she would make some calls to determine what had happened. I got off the phone frustrated and confused. Why hadn't she offered to call and push for this when I called on Tuesday? Was this what I wanted? Who should I believe, the insurance company or this facility? Time seemed to pass extremely slowly and then I got a call back from the facility... the paperwork WAS there and the woman from the business office was able to get the cycle approved. At this point I was very confused. I asked her why they had told me they didn't have any paperwork when I had called. She said that the only explanation they had was that the fax at the insurance company was down. So, that left us with the problem that my deadline to order medications had already passed. She said that she had already thought of that and that the IVF coordinator was waiting for my call to be transferred over so that we could discuss what we needed to do for medications. The IVF coordinator told me that she had sent the prior authorization for the meds in a STAT order. She said that we would have to wait to see if they approved that order today and then we would attempt to start the injections Saturday morning instead of Friday morning. She said that sometimes there is a small cushion in the cycle which could mean that we would not have any setbacks, but otherwise we would push the implantation date back one day. She said she would count out the cycle and make that determination if the call came in. At that point I said, "Okay, so then I just wait for you to call if they call you and say I am approved. We play it by ear?" She told me that was the plan and I hung up feeling extremely uneasy... what had just happened?!?!?! How did I go from calling to let them know I was leaving their facility to waiting again to find out if the March cycle was going to happen?!?! I got off the phone and told Mike what had happened. We decided that we weren't going to put to much hope into this working out. We were both confused about whether this was the right thing to do. After talking about it I decided that if this works out and we are able to get into the March cycle we will go ahead and continue to pursue information about the Infertility Clinic in Iowa City. We will be hopeful that the March cycle is successful, but we will also want to keep our options open for the future. If we are not able to get into the March cycle we will let them know that we are not interested in scheduling a future cycle and we will just move forward with Iowa City.
Then we spent the evening feeling super craptastic! Mike is now taking an antibiotic after going in for a follow up with a doctor from our Valentine's Day ER adventure. I am still having major problems from my allergic reaction and it is causing me to have headaches and lots of allergy/sinus stuff along with my painful rump. :/ So, we both took our meds and felt like garbage. We were up most of the night because we felt so icky. Today neither of us have done much of anything... meds, sleep, meds, sleep... I am so thankful that it was a snow day today or I probably would have had to take a sick day. Hopefully we will feel MUCH better tomorrow!!! And, hopefully we hear from our specialist within the next couple hours so that we can move forward with this cycle!
What a roller coaster!!! The waiting game continues!!
Thursday, February 26, 2015
Monday, February 23, 2015
The latest
So, in my last update I said that they had set a new protocol and we had a new date set for implantation. Our implantation was set for March 26th with injections starting this Friday, February 27th. BUT, our specialist's office made a mistake and didn't have me on the list for the March cycle, which means that they did not send in the proper paperwork to get the approval necessary to move forward with this cycle. So, we are on the clock again... we have until 4:00 p.m. Wednesday to get approval from Health Alliance, after that it will be too late to get the medications for my injection on Friday morning. The error was recognized when I called them on Thursday to see why my meds were being denied. They said that Health Alliance has been taking their full 15 business days to approve procedures. Obviously that would not be good for this situation. So, tomorrow I will call my specialist's office and see what they have been able to accomplish to fix their mistake... I will also attempt to contact the people that I spoke to this summer to see if they can help speed up the process. To say that this is frustrating is an extreme understatement. If the office had apologized for their mistake I think I would have felt a bit better, but instead I was left feeling that I should be thankful that they are trying to get Health Alliance to put a rush on the decision. Needless to say, I am not super thrilled with the situation! I am also frustrated with the fact that my rump is still having an allergic reaction and they are unable to help me!
I remember the last time we were in a situation like this and our 4:00 on Wednesday came and went. I sobbed for hours. I was destroyed. I feel like I have come so far since that awful day. I feel like I have gained so much strength. But, I also feel like another cancelled cycle due to not getting approved by insurance in time is something that we should be WAY beyond and is something that we should not have to face again. I am sure that my current feelings of frustration and disbelief will quickly change to anger and grief if we do not get approval in time. I am trying so hard to figure out what we are supposed to learn from this. It just seems so unbelievable that time after time things keep happening that set us back. I recognize that this will happen in God's time. But, knowing it doesn't make it easy!!
So, now we wait. And, I try to call them over my lunch break to beg them to approve my case by Wednesday at 4:00 p.m.
Thank you for your continued support and prayers. This journey has definitely not been easy, but your support and encouragement has helped keep me strong when it doesn't seem possible. Hopefully I will be sharing good news soon!
Julie
I remember the last time we were in a situation like this and our 4:00 on Wednesday came and went. I sobbed for hours. I was destroyed. I feel like I have come so far since that awful day. I feel like I have gained so much strength. But, I also feel like another cancelled cycle due to not getting approved by insurance in time is something that we should be WAY beyond and is something that we should not have to face again. I am sure that my current feelings of frustration and disbelief will quickly change to anger and grief if we do not get approval in time. I am trying so hard to figure out what we are supposed to learn from this. It just seems so unbelievable that time after time things keep happening that set us back. I recognize that this will happen in God's time. But, knowing it doesn't make it easy!!
So, now we wait. And, I try to call them over my lunch break to beg them to approve my case by Wednesday at 4:00 p.m.
Thank you for your continued support and prayers. This journey has definitely not been easy, but your support and encouragement has helped keep me strong when it doesn't seem possible. Hopefully I will be sharing good news soon!
Julie
Tuesday, February 17, 2015
New Protocol
I knew that today was the day that I would set up our new protocol. I was a mess most of the day, but I was trying my best to keep it together. At the end of the day I went across the hall and admited to a great friend that I was really having a rough time... sweating, shaky, felt like I could cry at any minute yet couldn't just do it... I was on the verge of a panic attack and there was absolutely nothing that was helping. I got home and tried cleaning up the kitchen while I waited for the call and quickly decided that a glass of cherry juice and some potato chips were a MUCH better idea. And as I sat there I felt sick. The call came from our facility and the IVF coordinator said that she had some dates for me. My chest tightened as she read off the dates and I realized that we were really doing this again. I KNOW that it is what I need to do. It is just so hard to imagine starting this process again when we just lost two of our babies and I am still trying to physically recover from the previous cycle... not to mention the emotional recovery. Then she started talking about the protocol. They really want to try another oil based progesterone. The idea of it makes me feel SICK! I just want to use an oral pill, but they really want to try a different oil. :( And if I don't use the estrogen patches because I was reacting to them they want to use a vaginal applicator again. I know that it was progesterone that failed that way before, not estrogen, BUT I am terrified! Terrified that we will lose more babies because we are trying things that my body just doesn't seem to like. And, during the process I am a nervous wreck, I feel sick, and I am just a big, fat MESS! So, I told her I was concerned and she said she would talk to the Dr and get back to me on Thursday. I tried to talk to Mike about it. I tried to let him know what they said on the phone. I really did. At least I thought I was saying those things. I tried to tell him that I was NOT okay, but obviously I was not clear because I ended up upset and sitting in the dark in my bedroom trying to keep myself from having a panic attack. When I came down an hour and a half later Mike thought I was mad at him and was very confused. I explained that I wasn't mad at him and that I am just NOT okay right now. I explained that none of this was okay. I cried and I tried to explain that nothing feels okay about all of this. He suggested waiting and/or trying to find a different facility, but that just doesn't feel like the right thing to do either... so I just cried and then I cooked... I cooked and cooked and cooked. I made chicken for chicken caesar salad (which was delicious). I cooked over 9 pounds of hamburger meat to freeze. I made goulash for lunches. I made sausage so that if this all works out and my soup cravings start again I can make that yummy soup I love so much! And now I am sitting here thinking that I don't want to go to bed and chance losing it again. I am also sitting here thinking that my kitchen appears to have exploded! It is a DISASTER! And, I have already run the dishwasher once! And washed all of the pans by hand once. BUT, I think I am just going to say that it will all be there tomorrow night when I get home from work because I really just don't want to deal with it!
So, the update is that we have a date for our next transfer and I am terrified. We haven't shared the date with our families yet, so I am going to wait for another update to share it. One family member knows the date because it is a special date, but other than that I just wasn't in a frame of mind to get ahold of people tonight.
I am hoping that today was just a rough day and that I am able to move forward without this sick feeling. I also hope that my body starts to feel better so that I feel better going into the next cycle.
Thank you for your continued thoughts and prayers. Thankfully tomorrow is a new day!! :)
So, the update is that we have a date for our next transfer and I am terrified. We haven't shared the date with our families yet, so I am going to wait for another update to share it. One family member knows the date because it is a special date, but other than that I just wasn't in a frame of mind to get ahold of people tonight.
I am hoping that today was just a rough day and that I am able to move forward without this sick feeling. I also hope that my body starts to feel better so that I feel better going into the next cycle.
Thank you for your continued thoughts and prayers. Thankfully tomorrow is a new day!! :)
Monday, February 16, 2015
What a week!
Last week was pretty crazy. Emotionally I felt that I was doing okay. As good as could be expected I guess you could say. I was feeling pretty good that the facility had agreed to changing the protocol for our next cycle. Physically I was not doing so well... The allergic reaction to the progesterone in cottonseed oil compound was getting much worse. By Saturday night (I think it would have been the 7th) it was so bad that I started taking what was left of the meds from my last reaction. Not only was the reaction localized to my rump, but I was also having a lot of upper respiratory issues. I didn't go to Iowa to meet Dolcey because I wasn't sure if I was getting a cold or if it was part of the reaction. On Monday a retired nurse told me that my throat was swollen and that the cough was my body trying to assure that the airway stayed open. She told me to call right away. I went down to the school nurse (FABULOUS lady!) and she began looking up info for me. At that point I called and left a message on the triage line at my doctor's office. After lunch I got a call from their office telling me to go to Urgent Care. :/ BOO!! We don't have Urgent Care in Monmouth. We have an ER and we have a "same day appointment" clinic. Unfortunately same day appointments are hard to come by there. It was time for an RTI group, so I decided to take them and call when I was finished. I have NO idea what made me do that, but I just felt like I needed to. Once I was done with that group they I called. Of course they said that they did not have any appointments available. Then as they were trying to help me figure out what to do a CANCELLATION came through. WOW!!! What perfect timing!!!! So, there was an opening right after school and they were able to get me in. At that point my choice to wait made perfect sense!!! :)
So, I went to the appointment and they were great. They were able to give me a steroid shot to get the process started. They were also able to give me a couple prescriptions to help me to get over the reaction. Within a few hours I could tell that the throat was less swollen. I was coughing less and I was starting to feel some of the trapped fluid draining. I was also given meds to help the itching and pain.
The week went on and I continued taking the meds. Things were looking much better. My rump had gone from red welts to black and blue. Then the black and blue started to go away. My throat was less and less swollen. Then Thursday night while we were eating dinner Mike started to have severe back pain and (TMI) pain in his left testicle. That was when the week got REALLY crazy!! The situation quickly became worse. He was struggling when sitting so we got him into bed with a heating pad. That was not helping a ton, but at least he was not in excruciating pain when in bed. I gave him Motrin and then we alternated heat and ice. In the morning he was still not feeling the best. He went to work for a little bit on Friday, but his back pain was so bad that he could not stay. Driving made it excruciating. When I got home from school on Friday afternoon he was in pretty bad shape. We continued Motrin, heat, ice, rest. But, it was not helping. So, when he was still feeling just as bad on Saturday I called the "same day appointment" clinic. They said that their next appointment would be Sunday at 1:00. After talking to a couple different nurses about the situation they said that due to the involvement of the testicle we would need to immediately go to the ER instead of keeping the appoinment. This seemed a little crazy to us, but we both showered and headed to the ER in Monmouth. They did a urine test, took 7 vials of blood, did an x-ray on his back and planned for an ultrasound on the testicle. Then, the doctor came in and told us that there was not anyone on call to do ultrasounds in Monmouth or Galesburg. We would have to go to Peoria. Mike was in SO much pain and riding in the car was the worst position for him. We did not want to go to Peoria at that point, but they told us that "seconds and minutes counted" when the testicles are involved and that waiting until Monday could make him LOSE the testicle! Okay... we were headed to Peoria. Once we were in Peoria the whole process started over again. They asked the same questions, started to order the same tests, etc... Mike tried to be calm and let them know that we had already done all of this in Monmouth. The third person in Peoria finally got the point loud and clear. :/ Mike was as patient as he could have been under the circumstances! After a couple hours they took us up for the ultrasound and Mike was on the stretcher in a hallway for over 30 minutes while we waited for them to be ready for us. This was making both of us even more irritable. The waiting was getting crazy. We initially went to the ER at 1:00 and it was now about 7:00. They completed the ultrasound and I watched, taking note of some things that looked familiar. When we went back to the room I told Mike what I thought I saw (I have had SO many ultrasounds/sonograms that I am getting pretty good at reading them!!!). When they came to give us the results it was almost 9:00 p.m. They said the back issues were most likely due to pulled muscles and that the other situation had to do with some fluid around the testicles (it happens, but can be painful... this was the first thing I noticed on the ultrasound) and 2 cysts on the line that carries sperm fromthe testicles. (Those are the other things I had spotted on the ultasound! I definitely know what cysts look like on an ultrasound!!!) At that point I looked up and realized that I had not taken ANY of my meds nor eaten or drank anything the entire day. Poor Mike hadn't had anything to eat or drink either. They got me a small glass of water so that I could take the pill that should have been taken at 7:30 (to prevent bleeding and ovulation) and I decided that the rest of the meds would have to wait until I had food in my system (the meds for my allergic reaction). We then waited for them to come back to give Mike shots of medication and his prescription scripts. We finally got back to Monmouth after 11:30 p.m. Luckily, Taco Bell saved the day by being open still! We enjoyed a romantic inhaling of food just before Valentine's Day ended!!!!
After I ate I assessed the situation with my allergic reaction... My rump took a MAJOR turn for the worse and I was completely clogged up again in my upper respiratory area. My rump was back to black and blue and in a lot of pain. Mike was feeling pretty good because of his shots. I started trying to get my meds figured out and got Mike set up for bed. I spent the day yesterday trying to set up a pain meds schedule for him and getting my meds back on track. I then went to the Quad Cities for a much necessary shopping trip for household stuff and groceries. By the time I got home in the evening my meds had started to work and the black and blue look was starting to improve. Hopefully the discoloration and the pain continue to improve. Mike continues to be in pain, but I have been waking him up to take some sort of meds every couple hours.
Hopefully this week is better and we are able to get things under control! I am thankful for this day off so that I can continue to help him to stay on top of the pain and so that I can get my rump under control!! ;) Oh... and so that I can try to get this mess of a house under control!! Let's face it, a messy house is the least of concerns when things like this come up... until things calm down and you actually SEE the mess agiain! Then it is super overwhelming!!
So, that is the latest update from Team McVey. Hot Mess express at the McVey house!! ;)
As for our next steps in the IVF process, we have to make decisions and call the facility tomorrow. I was thinking that it might be important to take some time off to catch up on the costs that we have incured. It gets so expensive, so quickly. Mike said that he doesn't think that is a good reason to wait, but he thinks that it is important to decide if my body needs time to heal. My thoughts on that are as follows:
1. My body isn't getting a break from this process even when we are not in cycle because I always have to be on some sort of medication to keep my cysts away, my lining normal, my cycles regular, etc.
2. My body probably won't recover until we decide to stop all together... meaning that not only do we stop, but I have a hysterectomy and remove all of the endometriosis and messed up organs. Until that happens I will continue to have the pain and issues.
3. The hardest part of the last two weeks has been knowing that we lost two more babies because we had to switch specialists and therefore we lost over a year in progress. We are just now getting to the point that we are starting protocols that we were supposed to do last spring. It is terrifying to me to think that their change in protocol might not be enough and that we will lose more of our babies. Terrifying!
4. I am not ready to give up. We have 3 babies that are frozen in Rockford, waiting for me to continue to fight for them!
So, that leads me to tomorrow's decision... I don't feel like we can give up yet. I feel like we have to fight for these babies or we will always wonder what could have been. I know it will be hard. I know that I will have to continue to pray for strength. I know that I will have to continue to pray that my pain doesn't affect my marriage. I know that I will want to continue to retreat into myself and watch Netflix rather than attempt to function in this state I am in. BUT, I know that if I give up and say that I am not strong enough or that my body can't take it, I will always wonder what could have been if I WAS strong enough to push myself. And that is a pain I don't know that I could live with.
Tomorrow I will tell them that we will move forward. That we are ready to hear their plan. We will set up my injections. We will set up my protocol and time frame. We will pray that this time is better. We will pray that I can be strong enough to do this again. And I will pray that I can continue to be happy for the people around me who are growing their families. I will pray that through being open about our journey others will be helped. I will pray that through this journey there will be people who will not feel so alone. That will see things in our journey that give them answers to their own journeys.
Thank you for your continued support of our journey! Your prayers and thoughts are always felt and appreciated!
So, I went to the appointment and they were great. They were able to give me a steroid shot to get the process started. They were also able to give me a couple prescriptions to help me to get over the reaction. Within a few hours I could tell that the throat was less swollen. I was coughing less and I was starting to feel some of the trapped fluid draining. I was also given meds to help the itching and pain.
The week went on and I continued taking the meds. Things were looking much better. My rump had gone from red welts to black and blue. Then the black and blue started to go away. My throat was less and less swollen. Then Thursday night while we were eating dinner Mike started to have severe back pain and (TMI) pain in his left testicle. That was when the week got REALLY crazy!! The situation quickly became worse. He was struggling when sitting so we got him into bed with a heating pad. That was not helping a ton, but at least he was not in excruciating pain when in bed. I gave him Motrin and then we alternated heat and ice. In the morning he was still not feeling the best. He went to work for a little bit on Friday, but his back pain was so bad that he could not stay. Driving made it excruciating. When I got home from school on Friday afternoon he was in pretty bad shape. We continued Motrin, heat, ice, rest. But, it was not helping. So, when he was still feeling just as bad on Saturday I called the "same day appointment" clinic. They said that their next appointment would be Sunday at 1:00. After talking to a couple different nurses about the situation they said that due to the involvement of the testicle we would need to immediately go to the ER instead of keeping the appoinment. This seemed a little crazy to us, but we both showered and headed to the ER in Monmouth. They did a urine test, took 7 vials of blood, did an x-ray on his back and planned for an ultrasound on the testicle. Then, the doctor came in and told us that there was not anyone on call to do ultrasounds in Monmouth or Galesburg. We would have to go to Peoria. Mike was in SO much pain and riding in the car was the worst position for him. We did not want to go to Peoria at that point, but they told us that "seconds and minutes counted" when the testicles are involved and that waiting until Monday could make him LOSE the testicle! Okay... we were headed to Peoria. Once we were in Peoria the whole process started over again. They asked the same questions, started to order the same tests, etc... Mike tried to be calm and let them know that we had already done all of this in Monmouth. The third person in Peoria finally got the point loud and clear. :/ Mike was as patient as he could have been under the circumstances! After a couple hours they took us up for the ultrasound and Mike was on the stretcher in a hallway for over 30 minutes while we waited for them to be ready for us. This was making both of us even more irritable. The waiting was getting crazy. We initially went to the ER at 1:00 and it was now about 7:00. They completed the ultrasound and I watched, taking note of some things that looked familiar. When we went back to the room I told Mike what I thought I saw (I have had SO many ultrasounds/sonograms that I am getting pretty good at reading them!!!). When they came to give us the results it was almost 9:00 p.m. They said the back issues were most likely due to pulled muscles and that the other situation had to do with some fluid around the testicles (it happens, but can be painful... this was the first thing I noticed on the ultrasound) and 2 cysts on the line that carries sperm fromthe testicles. (Those are the other things I had spotted on the ultasound! I definitely know what cysts look like on an ultrasound!!!) At that point I looked up and realized that I had not taken ANY of my meds nor eaten or drank anything the entire day. Poor Mike hadn't had anything to eat or drink either. They got me a small glass of water so that I could take the pill that should have been taken at 7:30 (to prevent bleeding and ovulation) and I decided that the rest of the meds would have to wait until I had food in my system (the meds for my allergic reaction). We then waited for them to come back to give Mike shots of medication and his prescription scripts. We finally got back to Monmouth after 11:30 p.m. Luckily, Taco Bell saved the day by being open still! We enjoyed a romantic inhaling of food just before Valentine's Day ended!!!!
After I ate I assessed the situation with my allergic reaction... My rump took a MAJOR turn for the worse and I was completely clogged up again in my upper respiratory area. My rump was back to black and blue and in a lot of pain. Mike was feeling pretty good because of his shots. I started trying to get my meds figured out and got Mike set up for bed. I spent the day yesterday trying to set up a pain meds schedule for him and getting my meds back on track. I then went to the Quad Cities for a much necessary shopping trip for household stuff and groceries. By the time I got home in the evening my meds had started to work and the black and blue look was starting to improve. Hopefully the discoloration and the pain continue to improve. Mike continues to be in pain, but I have been waking him up to take some sort of meds every couple hours.
Hopefully this week is better and we are able to get things under control! I am thankful for this day off so that I can continue to help him to stay on top of the pain and so that I can get my rump under control!! ;) Oh... and so that I can try to get this mess of a house under control!! Let's face it, a messy house is the least of concerns when things like this come up... until things calm down and you actually SEE the mess agiain! Then it is super overwhelming!!
So, that is the latest update from Team McVey. Hot Mess express at the McVey house!! ;)
As for our next steps in the IVF process, we have to make decisions and call the facility tomorrow. I was thinking that it might be important to take some time off to catch up on the costs that we have incured. It gets so expensive, so quickly. Mike said that he doesn't think that is a good reason to wait, but he thinks that it is important to decide if my body needs time to heal. My thoughts on that are as follows:
1. My body isn't getting a break from this process even when we are not in cycle because I always have to be on some sort of medication to keep my cysts away, my lining normal, my cycles regular, etc.
2. My body probably won't recover until we decide to stop all together... meaning that not only do we stop, but I have a hysterectomy and remove all of the endometriosis and messed up organs. Until that happens I will continue to have the pain and issues.
3. The hardest part of the last two weeks has been knowing that we lost two more babies because we had to switch specialists and therefore we lost over a year in progress. We are just now getting to the point that we are starting protocols that we were supposed to do last spring. It is terrifying to me to think that their change in protocol might not be enough and that we will lose more of our babies. Terrifying!
4. I am not ready to give up. We have 3 babies that are frozen in Rockford, waiting for me to continue to fight for them!
So, that leads me to tomorrow's decision... I don't feel like we can give up yet. I feel like we have to fight for these babies or we will always wonder what could have been. I know it will be hard. I know that I will have to continue to pray for strength. I know that I will have to continue to pray that my pain doesn't affect my marriage. I know that I will want to continue to retreat into myself and watch Netflix rather than attempt to function in this state I am in. BUT, I know that if I give up and say that I am not strong enough or that my body can't take it, I will always wonder what could have been if I WAS strong enough to push myself. And that is a pain I don't know that I could live with.
Tomorrow I will tell them that we will move forward. That we are ready to hear their plan. We will set up my injections. We will set up my protocol and time frame. We will pray that this time is better. We will pray that I can be strong enough to do this again. And I will pray that I can continue to be happy for the people around me who are growing their families. I will pray that through being open about our journey others will be helped. I will pray that through this journey there will be people who will not feel so alone. That will see things in our journey that give them answers to their own journeys.
Thank you for your continued support of our journey! Your prayers and thoughts are always felt and appreciated!
Monday, February 2, 2015
Negative.
This morning Mike drove me over to the hospital for my blood test so that I didn't have to worry about the roads. We waited for the lady at admitting to get all the proper information into the computer and then we waited our turn in the lab. It was very uneventful except for the fact that I felt like I could throw up at anytime. Then, when they were finished, I called my doctor's office and left a message on their answering service line to let them know to watch for my results. Mike ran the snow blower some more and then went to work. I waited. I waited throughout the morning and for a few hours into the afternoon. I made a plan that if they didn't call by 3:00 I would call them again. I also decided that it was possible that the lady I called didn't make it to work and that if I didn't hear anything by 4:00 I would call and leave a message for someone else. Just before 3:00 the phone rang and it was the Peoria number. I answered and I knew right away that it was the same tone of voice as it had been each time before. She told me that "unfortunately my results were negative". She told me that she was sorry and then said that I should stop all medications and that I should report my period to the IVF coordinator when it happens. She also told me that it should start in the next 3 - 5 days and that if it does start this week I would probably be able to get into the March cycle. At that point I was upset and I said, "What would be different that cycle?". She answered honestly that there wouldn't be any changes that she was aware of. I decided right then that I don't want to continue with treatments if nothing was going to change. I asked her if it would be possible to start looking at my elevated levels of natural killer cells as a culprit of our continued negatives. Afterall, we are not just looking at the 3 negatives we have had while with this facility. We are looking at 5 and 1/2 years of negatives... month after month. She said that the doctor does not believe that research shows elevated levels of natural killer cells as valid reason for infertilty. But, she said that he has moved forward with treatment in certain cases and she would ask if he would add a baby asprin to my protocol next time. I said that I wanted more than that. I quickly grabbed my "infertility bag" and searched madly through it. It was like I was in autopilot... I was going to find what I needed... I was going to find the protocol from my old facility so that I could fix this. The nurse said that I didn't have to find it right then... that she understood if I needed time and that I could call back with the information later. But I couldn't give up on it. I had to do whatever I could at that exact moment to make things better. Finally, I found the protocol and read off everything that was listed. I also tried to remember the things they said they would do after implantation, but I had a harder time with that. She said that she would speak with the doctor and let me know what he said. I thanked her for speaking to him on my behalf. I thanked her for letting me know the results and then we hung up. I stopped for a moment and cried and thanked God for the fact that it was a snow day so that I didn't have to once again take in this news within a few seconds and then continue teaching for the rest of the day. I can't imagine doing that again. The first two times were hard enough. I called Mike to tell him the news. I hung up the phone and cried until I was hyperventilating. I got myself under control, sent text messages to our families, and then I cried until I hyperventilated again. Then I made it my mission to put away any and all medications related to this cycle. I also took care of some things that I couldn't do when I was on restriction. I threw things into drawers, bags, and garbage bags. I cussed and cried. (Yep... some of my finest moments were occurring.) I didn't hear back from the doctor's office regarding whether they will move forward with a revised protocol before they closed at 4:30. When Mike got home from work I told him that I really don't want to move forward with another cycle if it is just going to be the same as it has been. I don't think it is fair to continue to implant embryos without a different approach. I don't feel like it is giving them a fair chance at life. And, I don't think I can keep facing the fact that I won't ever know if we were having a boy or a girl... who they would look like... who they would act like... I just couldn't do it. So, we will see what they say and then we will look at all of our options.
Tonight I drank a chai tea latte, something I couldn't have over the last two weeks but craved daily. The first sip was delicious, but it wasn't as relaxing as it usually is because of what it meant. For the last two weeks there were so many things that I didn't do or drink or eat because I was trying to protect those little babies, but at some point something went wrong. Regardless of how hard I tried, something still went wrong. It is such a helpless feeling to know that it was out of our control.
Now as I finish this I am thinking of the things that I need to finish before bed... the rest of the dinner dishes, wiping down the counters, paying some bills. And reality hits that life goes on despite the sadness and pain. Dinner still had to be made tonight. Dishes still have to be done. Bills still have to be paid. And tomorrow there will be kiddos who need me to be there for them. Kiddos who will expect to be greeted with a smile. And that is what I will do because like I said, life must go on despite sadness and pain.
Thank you for the support you have given us. Thank you for the thoughts and prayers that you sent our way.
Tonight I drank a chai tea latte, something I couldn't have over the last two weeks but craved daily. The first sip was delicious, but it wasn't as relaxing as it usually is because of what it meant. For the last two weeks there were so many things that I didn't do or drink or eat because I was trying to protect those little babies, but at some point something went wrong. Regardless of how hard I tried, something still went wrong. It is such a helpless feeling to know that it was out of our control.
Now as I finish this I am thinking of the things that I need to finish before bed... the rest of the dinner dishes, wiping down the counters, paying some bills. And reality hits that life goes on despite the sadness and pain. Dinner still had to be made tonight. Dishes still have to be done. Bills still have to be paid. And tomorrow there will be kiddos who need me to be there for them. Kiddos who will expect to be greeted with a smile. And that is what I will do because like I said, life must go on despite sadness and pain.
Thank you for the support you have given us. Thank you for the thoughts and prayers that you sent our way.
Sunday, February 1, 2015
Waiting...
The two week wait... Over the last couple weeks I have read many online postings about the "two week wait". Many of them are from people who are begging for others to give them any hope that they could possibly be pregnant. They type signs/symptoms and their dpt (day past transfer). They take test after test and then ask people if it is still possible for them to be pregnant even though the tests were negative. Some of the people who respond are kind. Some are not so kind. But for the most part there is nothing that the people responding can say that will ease the minds of the people writing the initial posts.
I understand their need for comfort during the wait. I find myself typing my symptoms into google so I can see that there are others who have felt like me. I haven't joined any of the "support groups" or ivf forums, but I have read a gazillion of their conversations. Then I look to see their stamp... did the people who wrote the post end up pregnant? What about the people who were responding that they had the same symptoms... did they end up pregnant?? I have taken home pregnancy tests, knowing that they would show a negative because it was too soon, but also hoping that the people who posted online about their "early BFP" (big fat positives) were right that I could get an early positive, too! I know that this probably sounds crazy, but after 5 and 1/2 years the wait seems like forever... not because it is two weeks long, but because of what is at stake... one blood test will change everything. Mike tells me that regardless of the results everything will be okay. I know he is right, but the idea of going through another loss is just so hard to stomach. I have done everything they told me to do and I haven't done any of the things they told me not to. Yes, there were probably some days when I was on my feet more than I should have been, but I made sure to get off my feet as soon as I got home. It is so easy to question every move I made. And, it is hard to be optimistic because of the countless times that we have had negative tests.
I have been much more calm throughout this wait than the previous waits, but I also have not been able to convince myself that this time will be different. (Ironically, as I am typing this there is a song on Pretty Little Liars that is singing "It's different, it's different, it's different" repeatedly.) As we come closer to the end of the wait my fears just intensify because it is hard to imagine continuing with the shots and the pills and the patches that make me feel so crummy, not knowing if there is a child in our future.
We appreciate your support so much! I appreciate that you let me have these moments in which my fears outway my hope. And I appreciate that you continue to support us through your thoughts and prayers, encouraging me to move forward when all hope seems lost. I keep wondering if I can do this again if we don't get the positive outcome that we are hoping for. But honestly, I can't imagine how painful it would be to always wonder if we would have had success if I was just brave enough to try again. I also keep telling myself that these two embryos that we transfered are fighters! I keep telling myself that they are in their fighting each day and that I need to continue to do everything I can to support them and help them grow.
The online ivf ap tells me that if our little ones made it I am 4 weeks pregnant. It says that their brains, gastrointestinal tracts, hearts, and spinal cords are beginning to develop. How amazing is that!! All of that is happening while I am waiting to for this test!
I hope that this week I will have wonderful news to share!! But I know that your thoughts and prayers will lift us up regardless of the outcome!
Oh... and I do have happy news to share this week! My sister Jen had her baby at 12:01 a.m. on Friday!! Our family is blessed to have Dolcey Jaymes Kulow as our newest member. She is absolutely precious and I can't wait to meet her!! :)
Thank you for your continued support! I will keep you posted!
I understand their need for comfort during the wait. I find myself typing my symptoms into google so I can see that there are others who have felt like me. I haven't joined any of the "support groups" or ivf forums, but I have read a gazillion of their conversations. Then I look to see their stamp... did the people who wrote the post end up pregnant? What about the people who were responding that they had the same symptoms... did they end up pregnant?? I have taken home pregnancy tests, knowing that they would show a negative because it was too soon, but also hoping that the people who posted online about their "early BFP" (big fat positives) were right that I could get an early positive, too! I know that this probably sounds crazy, but after 5 and 1/2 years the wait seems like forever... not because it is two weeks long, but because of what is at stake... one blood test will change everything. Mike tells me that regardless of the results everything will be okay. I know he is right, but the idea of going through another loss is just so hard to stomach. I have done everything they told me to do and I haven't done any of the things they told me not to. Yes, there were probably some days when I was on my feet more than I should have been, but I made sure to get off my feet as soon as I got home. It is so easy to question every move I made. And, it is hard to be optimistic because of the countless times that we have had negative tests.
I have been much more calm throughout this wait than the previous waits, but I also have not been able to convince myself that this time will be different. (Ironically, as I am typing this there is a song on Pretty Little Liars that is singing "It's different, it's different, it's different" repeatedly.) As we come closer to the end of the wait my fears just intensify because it is hard to imagine continuing with the shots and the pills and the patches that make me feel so crummy, not knowing if there is a child in our future.
We appreciate your support so much! I appreciate that you let me have these moments in which my fears outway my hope. And I appreciate that you continue to support us through your thoughts and prayers, encouraging me to move forward when all hope seems lost. I keep wondering if I can do this again if we don't get the positive outcome that we are hoping for. But honestly, I can't imagine how painful it would be to always wonder if we would have had success if I was just brave enough to try again. I also keep telling myself that these two embryos that we transfered are fighters! I keep telling myself that they are in their fighting each day and that I need to continue to do everything I can to support them and help them grow.
The online ivf ap tells me that if our little ones made it I am 4 weeks pregnant. It says that their brains, gastrointestinal tracts, hearts, and spinal cords are beginning to develop. How amazing is that!! All of that is happening while I am waiting to for this test!
I hope that this week I will have wonderful news to share!! But I know that your thoughts and prayers will lift us up regardless of the outcome!
Oh... and I do have happy news to share this week! My sister Jen had her baby at 12:01 a.m. on Friday!! Our family is blessed to have Dolcey Jaymes Kulow as our newest member. She is absolutely precious and I can't wait to meet her!! :)
Thank you for your continued support! I will keep you posted!
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