New Year's Eve

I didn't get a chance to give an update after Monday's appointment because I went on a little shopping adventure with my mom afterward.  Mike's Christmas gift to me was a list of things he has heard me mention that I need over the course of the last year that he didn't feel comfortable picking out for me and money to pick the things out myself.  It was a great gift because I totally understand why he would not want to try to pick things out for me and it was obvious that he was paying attention... there were even things I had forgotten that I needed on the list!  Unfortunately I didn't find anything on the trip, EXCEPT for two amazingly comfy blankets and a few of the essentials that I have put off (seriously... why do razor blades cost SOOO much?!?!?).  The theory behind the blankets was that they would help to cure the insomnia that has been occuring in my house.  Yes, sadly I am not the only one have issues with insomnia.  Actually, Mike doesn't have insomnia... he is just sleeping when most people are awake and awake when most people are asleep.  I still feel badly for him that his sleep is a mess, so I stocked up on lots of nuts, dairy, lettuce, cherry juice, and other things that were on the list of food items that will help you sleep AND I got new cozy blankets!!! :)

So, the appointment:  I took in the extra meds progesterone oil and gel that were sitting around the house to donate.  I am definitely not using either of those meds again, so someone else might as well benefit from them.  They are expensive and they shouldn't just expire at our house!  Then I was told to head back to the ultrasound room and "get myself ready" while they finish up with another patient. The strange thing was that I never saw nor heard the other patient.  Super weird.  Anyway... The internal sonogram went exactly the way I had hoped. My uterus looked good and I had no cycts.  I am in the menopausal state that they want me in and I am just supposed to continue my current protocol until January 3rd.  At that point I will begin the Vivelle Dots (estrogen patches).  I will go back to see them on January 12th to see if my lining is responding properly to the meds.  If things look good we will go to Rockford on January 19th for a January 20th implantation.  If not, I will have to go back later that week and things will be pushed back if necessary.  Then, the doctor said I had to fill out paperwork and make some decisions.  I totally wasn't expecting that!!! Of course we would need to make decisions at the only appointment that Mike was unable to attend!!!! Murphy's law!! The decisions I had to make were regarding thawing our embryos and though I was stressed that Mike wasn't there during this big decision I also felt certain that I was making the decision that we would have made together.  So, we are thawing vial 1 which has a 7 cell - B and a 4 cell - C.  If both of those embryos survive the thaw we will implant both.  If one does not make it we will thaw vial 3 which contains a 9 cell - B.  We did not talk about what we would do if neither embryo from vial 1 makes the thaw, but I am assuming that we would then thaw vial 2 and follow the same plan with those embryos.  I decided that we would not thaw all of the embryos and culture them until Day 5 due to something that I was told by a nurse months ago when we were still with the other facility.  She said that some embryos that would not survive in the petri dish are able to thrive in the natural setting of it's mother's uterus.  So, knowing that, I just think it will be best if we give our babies a chance to be fighters... Those C embryos need the opportunity to thrive and beat the odds so that I can continue to advocate that they should not be disposed of!!! (If you are someone who has had to make the choice to discard C embryos please do not see this as a judgement of you.  After hearing the story of my friend's Grade C embryos taking and becoming such AMAZING human beings it is simply a stance I feel that I have to take.  I understand that everyone has to make their own decisions and that money is a huge factor in this process as well (freezing embryos, embryo storage, and thawing embryos are not covered by any insurance companies, so the decision to freeze embryos can be an expensive decision.)  So, that was my decision and when I called Mike to reassure myself that I did the right thing he didn't answer because he was busy at work... SO, that quickly became OUR decision! HAHA!! ;)  When I talked to him that evening he assured me that I did exactly what I should have.  Then the lady told me that Mike HAD to be at the next appointment so that she could witness him signing the paperwork or we could not move forward... At this point I can only laugh because I had told him that I knew he was busy with work and that I would be okay to go on my own and then shop with my mom... Of ALL DAYS!! HAHAH!! Oops!!! At least we have a second chance on the 12th to get all of this done!!!

Back to the blanket... i.e. My proposed cure to my insomnia!!!! The first night with the new blanket I feel asleep RIGHT AWAY!!! Victory!! Then, I woke up completely refreshed TWENTY MINUTES LATER!!! Yep, 20 minutes later... GRR!!!! I continued to sleep in short incriments like that throughout the night.  Then, I was super grogy for my injections and ended up giving it to myself in an area I had an allergic reaction last week.  :(  It hurt and it bled... but I can't use bandaids!!! UGH!!! I used gauze and paper tape to solve the problem and I pouted!!! Yep, I pouted because I was frustrated!  Then, I went back up and cuddled in my new blanket for 20 minutes before I realized that I was NOT going to fall back to sleep.  FAIL!!! ;)

Last night I did not get to bed very early, but the new blanket was fabulous and I was able to sleep for nearly 5 consecutive hours before my shot!!! WOOHOO!!! That used to be enough to make me feel extremely refreshed, but these meds are making me a little (okay, a lot!!!) more sleep dependent, so I am going to have to start getting to bed earlier in order to not live in a fog!!  This mornings injection was textbook!!! I honestly finished it and thought, "Wow!! That is exactly how I wish that every morning went!!"  It doesn't appear that it is going to bruise, I didn't have to battle with the gauze and paper tape, I didn't have any pouting afterwards!!!! WOOHOO!!! In celebration I cut up some french bread, buttered it up, threw some cinnamon and sugar on it, and popped it in the oven! DELICIOUS!!!!

As I sit here enjoying my delicious breakfast I can't help but reflect on 2014.  What. A. Year.  I had extremely high hopes for this year and maybe that is why it has been such a bummer.  So, for the year 2015 I am not going to set myself up for failure by telling myself that THIS is going to be our year... I am sure that sounds negative to many of you, but for my supporters who have experienced infertility I know that you understand (and I am sure that many of you who haven't experienced infertility can relate as well!).  You put so much pressure on yourself and you build up SOOOO much hope that you fall into such a deep, deep low when things are not successful! It only makes it worse that whenever you meet someone it is a natural ice breaker for people to ask if we have children.  It is so crazy that such a simple question can be so painful AND can make you feel less.  Especially when I just respond with a no and the person then tells me all of the reasons why I should definitely have kiddos now and why it is so rewarding and fabulous.  Knife. To. The. Heart.  Or, the holiday gatherings in which you are around mixed company, some people that know me and know my story and others who have no idea that they are going to make me want to crawl in a hole and not resurface EVER.  The people who know that I just need to RELAX and a family will come or who just won't give up their argument that we will never be READY for kids and that if we wait until we are ready it will never happen.  WOW!  I had forgotten how hard the holiday season is.  The times when you are truly happy to see the joy in the children of your friends and family, yet you feel the hole in your heart ripping wider and wider!  One small thing that helped me this week was that I looked back at some "older" posts from some infertility blogs that I follow.  The blogs are of people who have been successful and therefore they are SUPER positive.  I often beat myself up for my feelings due to their positive outlooks, but I follow them in order to remind myself that miracles DO happen.  As I was looking through the older posts I found some entries from the holiday before these people found out they were expecting... all I could think was SEE... you were once human, too!!!! Once upon a time you also felt like there was a giant hole in your heart.  You once dreaded events because by not talking about infertility you were ignoring the subject that has become the overwhelmingly most important aspect of your life, but by talking about it you were boring people and completely putting a damper on the festivities!  Once upon a time, you were me!!! It was such a freeing moment and a sad moment.  As I read about the feelings that these people had and the number of times they talked about breaking down and crying freqently I noticed that there are many things that I am honest about in this blog that don't carry over into honesty in my life!  I also felt sad because it was obvious that their whole lives centered around their journeys and boy oh boy do I know how hard that is.  It was also sad because I had convinced myself that if I tried harder I could be even more positive like they were... and then I realized that the positivity came AFTER the success!  What a slap to the face!! Now I know that this has not been the most uplifting blog recently and that there were definitely times in which I was more positive about the journey, but the realization that their positivity came later made me reflect a bit.  I don't think that Mike is a follower of my blog.  I am actually not certain whether he has read a single entry, therefore I don't know if he realizes how many really down days I have had over the last several months. Why?  Well because I don't want my sadness to be the center of our relationship.  People that I work with, but who do not know about my blog have asked others how I am doing because they couldn't tell whether the cycle was successful because I "just keep smiling"... Why?  Well, because in real life it is too hard to actually face my feelings.  And, though people have been EXTREMELY supportive, I realize that nobody wants to be around a person who is constantly acting as if the world has ended.  But, as many of you who read my blog regularly realize, that is how I have felt a LOT recently!  And, I have felt really guilty about it.  I have even thought about changing the tone of my blog into one that reads like sunshine and rainbows, BUT I then asked myself who that would help?!?! Would it help the people who are reading this as they begin this journey themselves?  No, it will make them question why they feel so bad and it will make them feel like less of a person... I know because I have felt that way when reading blogs.  Would it help people who are reading this to send support and prayers my way? No, because they wouldn't know how to best lift me up with support and prayers.  Would it help me?  This one is a maybe... if I lie to myself enough and tell myself that I am fine I might actually start to believe that I am fine.  That is how I make it through each day... BUT, how healthy is that really?  So, with that in mind I have determined that I will continue to just be honest in this blog.  And, I will likely just keep smiling in real life!  Why? Well, it has got me to this point! ;)  I also feel that it is important to continue to share in this way because it shows the ups and the downs AND it shows how simple things can cause an "up" in the journey.  Yesterday was a rough day, but today is good because I slept 5 hours and my shot went well!  That is how this journey goes.  You take the good with the bad and you keep moving forward.  I am not exactly sure what our plans are for the evening, but that is okay.  Why? Well for many reasons, but one of those reasons is that we don't have children and therefore we don't need to worry about setting plans and finding a babysitter.  (Let's be honest... this is probably a stretch in the hunt for positives, but hey I am trying!!)  I also think that the honesty prepares people for what they "might" face if they find themselves in this journey.  I list the meds and the procedures and I talk about them scientifically as well as how they effect me emotionally and physically.  I talk a lot about the process and what to expect of that portion of the journey, along with how that has gone for me!

As we enter a new year and many of us reflect on where we are in life and how we feel about that I hope that this story encourages you to make steps to change the things that you can in life and to feel okay with your feelings about the things you can't change.  I think that will be my goal for 2015... make the changes I can and accept my feelings about the things that I can't.  I also will continue to work toward trusting my instincts about things.  If there is one thing I might change about this blog it will be to include more about trusting your instincts and not letting the thoughts of others guide your decisions.  I will never be able to go back to when I first thought I might have endometriosis and start treatments at that point.  BUT, I can advocate for others who feel that their instincts are telling them that something is wrong.  I can encourage others to make their instincts a priority.  I can listen to my inner voice and use it to take better care of myself.  I can respect myself enough to trust in how I am feeling.  What is the worst that can happen?!?!? The doctor says that everythign is fine??  Or if it is something that is not health related you just might find that whatever your instincts told you didn't quite work out.. and that is okay!  At least you tried!! You make a move and realize that it wasn't exactly what you expected.  Oh well, try again!!! Life is too short, yet too long, to be miserable!! I have been telling myself that for a long time and I really think it is true!!

I hope that 2015 brings you excellent health and great joy!  No matter what you are going through, just know that you do not have to feel alone.  There are so many wonderful people out there who will offer you support and who will pick you up when you can't pick yourself up.  Thank you for continuing to follow our journey.  Thank you for your support and prayers.  Happy New Year!

December 28th

This has been my laziest few days in a LONG time.  To be honest I have felt terrible the last couple days and I have been sleeping a LOT!!!  The night before last I started back on the Bromocryptine.  (Bromocryptine is the medication I take for escalated prolactin levels due to some kind of issue with my pituitary gland.  It is a medication that can have extreme side effects.  It hasn't bothered me during previous cycles, other than making me very tired, but this time it is making me very sick!) After taking the medication I have been so nautious that it has been very hard to get to sleep.  Then, when I finally fall asleep it seems that the alarm goes off instantly for my shot.  Then I am super dizzy, super sick, and dry heaving. :(  It is like having the stomach flu for a few hours each morning.  :(  Then I do my injection and go back to sleep for a few more hours and I wake up fine.  I don't know what I will do if this continues when it is time to go back to school.  I have seriously been going back to sleep until noon or one o'clock each day.  And if I get up before that I am super sick again.  :/  I go in for my baseline ultrasound tomorrow, so hopefully they will have suggestions for me.  I think I will try to get to bed a little earlier tonight and see if that is helpful since I will need to leave my house at about 9 tomorrow and therefore I will not be able to sleep until after noon!! ;)  Last night was my last birth control pill for this cycle.  I took the pill at 8:20, so I had to wait until at least 12:20 to take the Bromocryptine due to a 4 hour time period that was necessary between the two medications.  Hopefully tomorrow will be much better!!

Mike has some work obligations tomorrow, so my mom will be going with me to this appointment (I could go by myself, but this will work out perfectly because I had to cancel the after Christmas shopping trip we had scheduled for Saturday due to being SO sick!!).  It should be very routine and hopefully they will say that I don't have any cysts and that my lining looks good to start the estrogen patches next Saturday.  I am guessing that we will determine my next appointments and I will have a little tutorial regarding the next steps in this process.

I have noticed that my emotions are a little extreme today.  I think the meds are catching up to me a little bit.  The couple that has shared their 8 year journey of infertility and of the two embryos they implanted splitting into two sets of identical twins announced this morning that they would be having their babies within the next 48 hours.  They are just over 29 weeks along.  I started crying because I am so happy for them and how far they have come on this journey!  Then, when they made the announcement that they were actually delivering the babies I started crying again.  I can't imagine how they are feeling right now!  What an amazing and overwhelming time in their lives!  I just can't even imagine!!!

One thing that I have noticed as my hormones are being taken away versus when they were being put to crazy levels is that the foods I absolutely NEEDED during the previous cycles are DISGUSTING to me right now!! HAHA!! The soups that I loved taste extremely bland to me.  Other things that I loved... YUCK!!!! This is totally crazy to me.  I don't really understand how hormones have an affect on how food tastes, but it is totally true!!!!

Well, hopefully tomorrow's appointment will be uneventful and informative.  AND, hopefully there will not be any sickness tomorrow morning!!! :)

Thank you for your continued support of this journey.  It has been a long road and your prayers and kind words have been amazing!  It is hard to believe that this journey started in 2009 and we are about to enter 2015.  It seems like forever, yet I have to trust that God's timing will be perfect and that we will be blessed beyond belief when the timing is right! :)
Have a great night!

The day after Christmas

It's the day after Christmas and it was a pretty lazy day at the McVey house!  Now Mike is at work and I am thinking of all the things I "should" do.  I am sure I will find some ambition before 11 p.m.when Mike gets home!  If not, there is always the weekend, right?!?!? ;)  We stopped for a visit with the McVey's before going to visit my family for Christmas Eve lasagna.  Then we returned to Monmouth for 10:30 p.m. mass. Christmas Day we went back to my families house to celebrate again and Mike's family celebrated up in Naperville.  Mike wasn't feeling the greatest so we came home and both of us napped the rest of the day away!  I slept 3 hours!!!! I guess I was pretty exhausted!!!

Today was the 3rd day of injections for this round and it was pretty uneventful.  Yesterday's injection was painful. :( I also noticed that I had a reaction to the latex-free bandaid that I used on Christmas Eve.  BOO!!! Seriously, this allergy business has to stop!!! So, today I bought some paper tape and hopefully that will be the answer to these issues.  I will ask the doctor when we go on Monday.

Tomorrow night is my last day of the birth contol pill for this round.  I guess the leuprolide will be completely in charge of suppressing my hormones at that point.  I can definitely feel the leuprolide doing something and I have been pretty achy the last couple days.  It said to expect hot flashes (which makes sense because it temporarily puts me in a state of menopause), but I am actually FREEZING COLD most of the time.  I guess it is not likely that anyone will be suprised by the fact that my body is reacting differently to meds than expected!!! ;)

I have been trying to think of things that I want to ask the doctor about on Monday.  I know that they are going to give me instructions for the estrogen patches.  I also know that I want to ask them about the thawing process and how things will work when we go to Rockford in January.  I know that I need to control my anxiety in order to be best prepared for this cycle, so I feel that getting all of my questions taken care of will be the best next step.

It seems like a million years away right now, but I know that implantation day will be here before we know it!  I will keep you posted as we find out more information and learn more about what to expect.

I hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas!!!

Almost Christmas Eve

Tonight I was on the couch catching up on some DVR'd shows, excited about the fact that tomorrow will be my first nonalarm morning.  I was super excited!!! SUPER EXCITED!!!! Then suddenly I shot up off the couch and thought, "WAIT... tomorrow is Christmas Eve!"  Yep... I forgot for a moment that tomorrow morning is the start of my injections.  I have been thinking about the Christmas Eve morning injection everyday and I thought about it a couple hours ago, but as I lounged on the couch tonight all was right in the world and I had forgotten about this journey.  The sudden realization that I had forgotten was startling!  Really, it was.  So, now I think I am going to head to bed so that my brain is clear in the morning when I am trying to figure out exactly what I need to do for this new medicine.

Earlier tonight, when we were talking about my morning injection (see... I am not completely crazy, I remembered it earlier tonight!!!)  Mike asked if it was the "pen" medication.  I explained to him that all the medicines are different this time and that I don't really know what to expect.  I think that is what has me so tense right now.  The unknown.  But, I went for my weekly acupuncture appointment today and I was reminded of the relaxation techiniques that I should use when feeling stressed.  So, I am going to attempt to go upstairs, relax, and get some sleep before we take the next steps in the journey tomorrow!  

Attempt number 4 starts tomorrow!  4th times a charm?!?!?  Surely that is a saying somewhere, right???  

As always, we appreciate your support of our journey.  We hope you have a very Merry Christmas!  And I hope that the new year brings me a renewed sense of hope and rejuvinates my spirit!  Yesterday a dear friend treated me to a psychic reading.  I know, I know, controversial... I honestly don't care to hear the judgement of people over my choice to join a couple of wonderful friends and seeing a psychic... I know that it isn't for everyone, but it was a great day with great friends!  I won't share everything that was said, but I will say my experience was completely different than I had expected.  I actually think I walked in there looking for an easy out in some areas of my life.   Lately I have tried so hard to be positive about this infertility journey that I have let other areas of my life take the brunt of all of my negative feelings... do they call that displace anger?!?!  Well, my reading yesterday opened my eyes to the displaced emotions... maybe not initially... initially I was just taking in all of the information and thinking about everything that was presented to me.  It was actually pretty amazing and I don't regret it one bit.  Then, at my acupuncture appointment my doctor also pointed out a few things and challenged me to reflect on "perspective".  He also challenged me by saying that there are many things I can do in life, but they would be an easy out and in the end I would not be happy.  I told him that his words were just what I had heard the day before and he said that he doesn't believe in coincidence and therefore the words must be exactly what I need to hear.  Lately I have felt that I have stopped making a difference in the lives of others.  I have really doubted my purpose and have struggled to recognize my "place" in this world.  I think a lot of this stemmed from the fear of what life will look like if we are unable to have children and the thought of what that life would look like for me.  I have been living in fear of the future and therefore really ceasing to exist at all.  Today, I had more time to reflect as I made the trip home from my appointment in LaClaire.  I was reflecting, so I wasn't thinking about the "scary, terrifying future" and it was a nice change!  I was thinking about everything that was said yesterday and what my doctor said today.  I was thinking about what friends of mine have said recently and about my recent lack of connection with the world.  The main thing that I took away with me yesterday was that my emotional state is a complete and total mess, but my logical side has kept me from tending to those emotional needs.  My logical side is what keeps me from facing how I really feel and it is what pushes me to keep going when I really need to just feel broken for a while.  It makes me feel guilty for any feelings that aren't positive on this journey.  It pushes me to say yes to all the requests of others to keep myself busy.  My emotional side and my logical side are battling recently and boy oh boy has it messed me up!!! You see, my doctor pointed out today that the "logical" side of a person can be completely illogical.  He said that illogical logic is one of the major problems of our world.  So, I guess I need to "deal" with my emotions before more problems occur.  As I drove home today I realized that all of those displaced emotions have built and festered.  Then, when I checked Facebook this afternoon I saw that Bobbie Thomas from the Today Show had made an update on her website regarding her infertility journey.  She pointed out all of the not so wonderful parts of the journey that make a person want to give up.  That made me realize that even though I have created this blog and opened up about this journey, I have also been kidding myself by suppressing my pain and fears and pawning those feelings off on other areas of my life.  YIKES!! What an unpleasant realization!  I have prayed for intercession in this infertility journey, but I have neglected so many other facets of my life and it shows (Maybe not to people on the outside, but WOWWIE have I realized it over the last couple days... LOUD and CLEAR!!!).  As 2014 wraps up and we move toward 2015 it seems to be a good time to make some decisions about the future.  It is as good of time as any to reevaluate and reinvest in myself.  After all, if Mike and I are going to try to bring a little one into this world, our kiddo is going to need a momma who is stable and not a momma with repressed feelings!!! :)

Thank you for continuing to follow our journey and for your continued prayers and support!

Merry Christmas and may 2015 bring you good health and great happiness!  And may 2015 bring us a baby so that I can blow up this blog with a gazillion adorable pictures!!!! ;)
YIKES!!! It's almost Christmas Eve!! I better get to sleep before it is time for my injection!!!!! Goodnight!!

(Wow!! This post quickly changed before my eyes... it started off as a generic update about my shot tomorrow and then I kind of had a verbal spew! Thanks for hanging in there through the good times and the tough ones too!!!)

Trying again

I haven't really talked about the next steps in our journey at all, probably because I have been very nervous about it.  A couple weeks ago I got a letter in the mail stating that we are approved to try a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET).  The approval was dated from the end of November through February 19th (or something close to that).  I had no idea that we were expecting that letter because I thought we were already approved, but in a way it was an answer to prayer.  I had been feeling apprehensive about trying again and I was kind of wondering whether it was the right time.  The letter answered that question for me!  If we only have until February 19th that means that now IS the time!

So, last week I started back on birth control and the IVF meds will be here on Friday.  I start injections on the morning of Christmas Eve and stop taking the pill on the 27th.  This is the first time with this type of injection, so I am not certain what to expect.  It is called leuprolide.  It was described to me previously as a medicine that would put me in a temporary "menopausal state" due to the way it cuts my estrodial levels.  (This was something they had considered putting me on to help slow the growth of my endometriosis, but because of my age and our desire to have a family they determined that IVF was a better solution.)  Before an FET cycle this medication is used for a short amount of time before starting estrogen patches and progesterone injections.  Then, the next step is to go for my baseline sonogram on December 29th.

The plan after that is to start estrogen patches on January 3rd.  I haven't used them before, so I am a little nervous about how I will respond physically and emotionally! At that point I am sure I will have a few visits to check the lining of my uterus.  Then around January 16th or 17th I will begin the lovely rump injections again!!! This time we hope that everything will work out so that we can purchase the progesterone in cottonseed oil.  From there we have a target implantation date of January 20th.

Unlike the previous cycle when we had 7 embryos on the date of implantation, which took away some of the stress,  this time we will be thawing 2 frozen embryos (one level B and one level C) and hoping that they survive the thawing and continue to grow!  I am sure I will be very nervous as the time approaches.

So, that is our plan as we move toward trying again.  I will keep you posted as I start this completely new medication protocol.
Thank you for your continued support as we continue our journey!