Step by step, day by day... That is how I am moving forward right now. I don't really have words to describe the last few weeks. I have gone through a long list of emotions and some days have been easier than others. Though I thought that time at home would be the hardest it was actually time at school that stung the most. Pushing through each day with a smile on my face all day long was more difficult than I thought it would be. I am so thankful to the many friends who comforted me as I snuck into their rooms and had a meltdown. Thankfully I avoided creating a scene in public!
I determined that the only way to feel better about what was happening was to start making steps forward. Since we will not have an opportunity to move forward with our reproductive endocrinologist until sometime in January I decided to start going for acupuncture treatments again. I braved the snow last Monday to make it to an appointment in LaClaire, IA. My doctor had to do a "reset" like he did during my first visit. He said that my body had been through a lot since I last saw him and the graphs indicated that a reset was necessary. I will go back tomorrow to see him and hopefully we will work towards getting my hormones leveled out again!! :) I truly feel that acupuncture helped prepare my body for our egg retrieval and I hope it will prepare it for the Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET), as well.
Over the last few weeks I have heard a lot of advice. Most people have told me to keep my head up and wait for God's plan. Some have told me that I have put myself through a lot and that I should consider what I am doing to my body to try to have children. Several have told me to take as much time as I need to grieve the loss of our embryos and to move forward only when I am ready. I appreciate that people care enough to be invested in this journey and I recognize that every piece of advice is given from the heart. The last few days I have been researching about how to mentally prepare yourself for living life without children after facing infertility. Basically I have read that there is a grieving process and that each person deals differently, but inevitably a couple must reevaluate their life and determine what life will look like and how priorities will shift. The funny thing is that if things do not work out I have NO idea what I will do. Absolutely no idea. For years I said that I didn't know if I wanted children because it was easier than discussing our infertility, but the truth is that I have never considered a life without children. I know that they say that it is important to remain positive as we move forward, but I am just not ready to start being hopeful for something that seems so far from reality. As we celebrated Christmas with the McVey family and I watched my neice and nephews open their gifts (okay... just one nephew... the other one is way to small to open gifts!!) I realized just how hard it will be to accept the fact that without children holidays will look a lot different. Yes, we will spend the holidays with nieces and nephews at the Cahill house and the McVey house, but that somehow that just doesn't seem the same. I realized that over the last several years I have only decorated our home one time. It just seems silly to decorate for just us.
Okay... enough of that! Maybe this year I need to decorate. I used to love decorating for Christmas! I used to decorate my bedroom with tons of Boyd's Christmas stuff and I LOVED it!! Maybe I need to figure out who I have become over the last several years and what is important to me. I know this journey has changed me. I know my hobbies are hobbies that I started with the idea that they would be helpful when we had children. So, I need to think about what I would like to do for me and for my relationship with Mike.
Last night a woman stopped me at the wedding and told me that her heart hurts for us. I love this lady, but I had no idea that she knew about our journey, so it caught me off guard. She told me that having your own children is the biggest blessing that a person can ever have. She hugged me and kissed me on the check and told me that she would continue to pray for us that we will experience that someday. With tears running down my face I thanked her and hugged her back. Those tears reminded me that though I wear a brave face everyday there is still pain and also that much to my disappointment, I am still human. (For the record, I successfully navigated inquiries from others without breaking down!! I really did! This just took me by surprise.) The woman apologized repeatedly for bringing it up on a night of celebration. I simply hugged her and whispered, "Let's be honest, it's not like it wasn't on my mind anyway." She hugged me back and said that she was certain that it was on my mind every day. And, that is true. She was absolutely right! Though Mike is able to look at this journey and accept that it is not our time yet, I think about it everyday. I think of all the what ifs. I second guess every decision. I wonder what I can do to better prepare my body for each procedure. The list goes on and on.
As the holiday season continues I am thankful for such wonderful people in my life. I am thankful for my loving husband... who, for the record, was a dancing machine at the wedding last night!!! YES! Mike was dancing away the evening with me and it was wonderful!!! :) I am thankful for our families who love and support us. I am thankful for our friends who have been such wonderful supporters throughout all of lifes trials and triumphs. And most of all, I am thankful to know that God has a plan for us that is greater than any plan I could dream of creating for myself. It is not always easy for me to be patient, but I am trying!
Since Thanksgiving Day (The Christmas celebration for the McVey family), I have been reflecting on the journey we have been on and worrying about what the future might bring. But, I need to remember that worrying is not for me to do. God will take care of everything. I just need to be patient.
I am looking forward to my acupuncture session tomorrow. I like that it helps me to control my stress. I will also be going back to work and I will continue to move forward step by step and day by day. I will continue to look for signs of what I am supposed to learn from this journey, but I will try not to dwell on the outcome. I will celebrate in the joy and excitement of our friends and family. I will attempt to determine what will bring me joy and happiness in my life. (I don't think obsessively watching Hallmark Christmas movies is an acceptable answer!)
Thank you for continuing to support our journey and for recognizing that no part of infertility is full of sunshine and rainbows even if I typically try to look for a silver lining!
I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving!!
P.S. Speaking of silver linings... I am not sure if this could be considered a silver lining or not considering the length of time that has passed, but my previous Reproductive Endocrinologist, Dr. Horowitz, has accepted a position in West Virginia and has therefore left the Sher Institute. Though I have always assumed that we would have been pregnant a long time ago if we would have been able to stay with them, this could be the answer to "why" things have happened the way they have up to this point. Maybe, just maybe, we would have been in the middle of treatments still and we would have been faced with this news. Maybe this is why we faced so many challenges this summer. Okay... that is as positive as I can be! HAHA!! ;)
Sunday, November 30, 2014
Thursday, November 13, 2014
Bizarre...
I continue to stand by the fact that if there is a possibitlity for strange things to occur they will happen to me. Today I got a call from my doctor's office asking if I called the insurance company regarding the progesterone issues. I did not call because the nurse told me yesterday that they were going to write a medical necessity letter and I figured there was no point in contacting them until that was written. Someone DID contact them though and confronted them about not covering the medication that I needed. We have no idea who it was, but the insurance company called my doctor's office and told them that they DID cover the cottonseed oil/progesterone compound, but the pharmacy was not sending the right code which caused the repeated denials. They said that they contacted the pharmacy twice with the information and they continued to process it incorrectly. They also said that the pharmacy did process the cottonseed oil/progesterone correctly once on Oct. 7th, but then they reversed it. I am SOOO confused. Why are we just learning about all of this chaos that was occuring and why was the pharmacy telling me that they would not cover the compound because it was not commerically available? Nothing can change the outcome of what we have already faced. Determining who is to blame will not turn us back to a time before we lost our embryos of this cycle. I hope this situation will help others who might someday find themselves in a similar situation to fight for what their gut is telling them. I never wanted to use the gel. My gut told me it just wasn't worth the risk, but as we got closer to our cycle I gave in because I wanted to make sure that we had everything taken care of in time.
The bright side of all of this is that the insurance company WILL cover the compound we need. The frustrating thing is that we might still have problems getting the claim processed through the pharmacy. I would start calling now to make sure that everything is taken care of, but there is a chance that the medication would expire before I need it if I order it now. So, I will put it on my calendar to call them in a couple weeks and I will continue to fight the good fight until we get exactly what we need for the next cycle.
Thank you for continuing to support us through your thoughts, prayers, and kind gestures! We really appreciate it! And, to the person who went to bat for us with the insurance company, thank you for that! It was unexpected, but obviously very effective! :) I am still in shock about it actually!
P.S. I think the worst of the physical pain is behind me. My back pain has decreased drastically. I haven't really had cramping at all today. The bleeding has calmed significantly. I am exhausted, but I have a feeling that I will be for a while. I read on several websites that it will be a month or two before I will physically recover from the process of a failed IVF cycle (although there have been reports of recoveries lasting over 6 months... yuck!). I am still hopeful that acupuncture will help me to feel better in a shorter amount of time by balancing my hormones... though I have so many meetings scheduled for next week that I won't get to have an appointment for at least another week. :/
Have a great evening!
The bright side of all of this is that the insurance company WILL cover the compound we need. The frustrating thing is that we might still have problems getting the claim processed through the pharmacy. I would start calling now to make sure that everything is taken care of, but there is a chance that the medication would expire before I need it if I order it now. So, I will put it on my calendar to call them in a couple weeks and I will continue to fight the good fight until we get exactly what we need for the next cycle.
Thank you for continuing to support us through your thoughts, prayers, and kind gestures! We really appreciate it! And, to the person who went to bat for us with the insurance company, thank you for that! It was unexpected, but obviously very effective! :) I am still in shock about it actually!
P.S. I think the worst of the physical pain is behind me. My back pain has decreased drastically. I haven't really had cramping at all today. The bleeding has calmed significantly. I am exhausted, but I have a feeling that I will be for a while. I read on several websites that it will be a month or two before I will physically recover from the process of a failed IVF cycle (although there have been reports of recoveries lasting over 6 months... yuck!). I am still hopeful that acupuncture will help me to feel better in a shorter amount of time by balancing my hormones... though I have so many meetings scheduled for next week that I won't get to have an appointment for at least another week. :/
Have a great evening!
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
Negative
I made a post two days ago, but I did not mention it on Facebook. I wrote it because I wanted to remember what was happening during a very scary time, but I didn't mention it because I wasn't ready to face what was happening publicly. The weekend is such a scary, lonely time when you are facing unknown circumstances. Saturday night I consulted the internet because I had very ymild spotting occuring. The internet stated that it was likely implantation bleeding and that it was completely normal. My concerns did not completely go away. The cramps that I had were very intense and something just didn't seem right. I continued my self inflicted bed rest and hoped and prayed for the best. By Sunday afternoon the cramping was terrible and the bleeding intensified. I knew something was very wrong. I left a message for the doctor's office to call me first thing in the morning. When the nurse called me she asked if I was still having spotting. I told her that how much the bleeding had intensified and she said that my body was not responding to the progesterone gel, but it was too late to save this by switching progesterone. She said that she wanted to move up my blood work so that it was completed Tuesday (today) instead of Wednesday. Throughout the day yesterday the bleeding intensified. I wanted to believe that it was possible that I had only lost one embryo, but logically I knew that there was no way an embryo could survive the bleeding that was happening. I thought back to the conversation I had while placing the progesterone order... the fact that insurance would not cover the cottonseed oil/progesterone compound and therefore we would need to use the progesterone gel instead. I questioned it. I tried to fight it. The pharmacy called multiple times to check with the insurance company. They would not budge. I gave in. Looking back I shouldn't have given in, but how was I to know that this would happen. They told me that the gel was seen as just as effective as the injections.... but then I think back to the first day that the meds were explained to us (months ago) when they said, "If bleeding occurs you will be switched to injections." and I think again that I should not have given in.
To add insult to injury the nurse said that our out of pocket total for the gel was probably more than we would have paid for the injections. She said the gel is ridiculously expensive. Which leads to the question, "Why the heck wouldn't the insurance company let us get the injections in the first place!??!?!" The nurse said that she will have the doctor write a letter to the insurance company stating that the cottonseed/progesterone compound is a medical necessity for me. I hope they listen. If not we will find a way to make it happen!
Today I went for the blood test. This afternoon the nurse called to tell me that the test came back negative. She said that the next cycle will not be until January. They need us to decide if we will move forward with a fresh cycle or a frozen cycle. We need to determine whether we will trust my natural cycle to be regular or whether we will start controlling it now. But all I could think of as she talked was that, most of all, I just need to take a while to be sad and to heal. The emotional pain and the physical pain are overwhelming. It never ceases to amaze me that things are so matter of fact when the call comes. I realize that it is necessary, but it is still hard to accept. So much hope is crushed with that phone call. And then immediately we begin planning toward the next cycle that we are supposed to be hopeful about. It seems so cold... but I know that it is necessary.
Thank you for all of your support throughout this process. Thank you for the thoughts and prayers. Thank you to those of you who got to experience my breakdowns yesterday. I was proud that there were only three of them at school and that I was able to make it into a room each time so that one person had to deal with it, not a whole school building. Every ounce of me wanted to stay home with my feet up until I heard from the doctor and walking through those doors felt like torture, but I did it and I was so proud of myself when I walked out of that building at 5 p.m. I made it. Not only did I make it, but not a single child saw a tear nor had a clue that I was dying inside. Today I dreaded going for the blood work. I pushed the snooze 3 times... not because I was tired and wanted to go back to sleep, but because I was avoiding the inevitable. I walked into the school today feeling completely numb and I dreaded the phone call that would come to me later. I put a smile on my face and taught my lessons. I finished up the totals for the pie fundraiser. I put away the new books from my grant. I went about the day with the strangest sensation of total numbness. I guess it is the best I can do right now. I just can't feel excited for the next step yet. I can't look at the "progress" we made in the process and see it as a success. I can't find joy in the fact that we came one step closer. I just don't have it in me. So, I will continue to smile until the numbness is gone. And then I will face whatever comes after that.
Thank you again for supporting us through this journey with your thoughts and prayers. We are so grateful for all of you.
To add insult to injury the nurse said that our out of pocket total for the gel was probably more than we would have paid for the injections. She said the gel is ridiculously expensive. Which leads to the question, "Why the heck wouldn't the insurance company let us get the injections in the first place!??!?!" The nurse said that she will have the doctor write a letter to the insurance company stating that the cottonseed/progesterone compound is a medical necessity for me. I hope they listen. If not we will find a way to make it happen!
Today I went for the blood test. This afternoon the nurse called to tell me that the test came back negative. She said that the next cycle will not be until January. They need us to decide if we will move forward with a fresh cycle or a frozen cycle. We need to determine whether we will trust my natural cycle to be regular or whether we will start controlling it now. But all I could think of as she talked was that, most of all, I just need to take a while to be sad and to heal. The emotional pain and the physical pain are overwhelming. It never ceases to amaze me that things are so matter of fact when the call comes. I realize that it is necessary, but it is still hard to accept. So much hope is crushed with that phone call. And then immediately we begin planning toward the next cycle that we are supposed to be hopeful about. It seems so cold... but I know that it is necessary.
Thank you for all of your support throughout this process. Thank you for the thoughts and prayers. Thank you to those of you who got to experience my breakdowns yesterday. I was proud that there were only three of them at school and that I was able to make it into a room each time so that one person had to deal with it, not a whole school building. Every ounce of me wanted to stay home with my feet up until I heard from the doctor and walking through those doors felt like torture, but I did it and I was so proud of myself when I walked out of that building at 5 p.m. I made it. Not only did I make it, but not a single child saw a tear nor had a clue that I was dying inside. Today I dreaded going for the blood work. I pushed the snooze 3 times... not because I was tired and wanted to go back to sleep, but because I was avoiding the inevitable. I walked into the school today feeling completely numb and I dreaded the phone call that would come to me later. I put a smile on my face and taught my lessons. I finished up the totals for the pie fundraiser. I put away the new books from my grant. I went about the day with the strangest sensation of total numbness. I guess it is the best I can do right now. I just can't feel excited for the next step yet. I can't look at the "progress" we made in the process and see it as a success. I can't find joy in the fact that we came one step closer. I just don't have it in me. So, I will continue to smile until the numbness is gone. And then I will face whatever comes after that.
Thank you again for supporting us through this journey with your thoughts and prayers. We are so grateful for all of you.
Sunday, November 9, 2014
The weekend
This weekend has been a little scary. I was very tired Friday night, so I decided to clean up the house a bit, work on laundry, and rest as much as possible. I woke up yesterday feeling even more exhausted I either slept or stayed on the couch with my feet up the entire day. Then late last night I had a very small amount of spotting. I was concerned, but I read online that it was probably implantation bleeding. So, I went to sleep and slept right up to the time for me to do my progesterone application this morning (with only a few quick wakeups for restroom and water). This morning I took it easy and lounged on the couch again. I napped off and on throughout the day and then early afternoon I started having bleeding again. This bleeding has not been heavy, but it has been consistent and it has been scary because I don't know what is causing it. I feel like it is too much for implantation bleeding, but I don't know that for certain. I read that the progesterone should stop me from having a period, so I really don't know what this is. I just know that I am having a lot of cramping very low in my abdomen.
Wednesday can not come soon enough. I just want answers and to know that the babies are growing and healthy! Or to know that this was not meant to be. I just want to know.
Wednesday can not come soon enough. I just want answers and to know that the babies are growing and healthy! Or to know that this was not meant to be. I just want to know.
Friday, November 7, 2014
Transfer Day
Sorry for the delayed post. This week has been pretty crazy... from bed rest and not feeling up to doing anything to trying to get as much done as possible while still trying to follow my restrictions... I am definitely glad to have my feet up right now and I am strongly considering an early bedtime!! :)
Friday night (Halloween) Mike and I made the trip to Rockford. On the way we were very suprised to see so much traffic on 74 and 88... it was Halloween night and PRIME trick or treating time!!! What were these people doing?!?!!? We decided to stop in Sterling to have dinner at a mom and pop type restaurant and we were suprised by the number of people out to eat during trick or treating time. Although, one couple did have candy that they were handing out at their table. Apparently they are REGULARS!!! From the sounds of it they might be there daily! ;) We got back on the road and arrived in Rockford sometime after 9 p.m., settled in and watched the end of the Bulls game. Then, what sounds better than sleep on the night before transfering embryos??!?!??! Denny's desserts!!! Mike had an amazing banana split and I ordered the caramal apple crisp. So good!!!! We then went back to the hotel and realized that we were going to be SUPER tired in the morning!! The sacrifices we are willing to make for dessert!!! HAHAHH!! I did my progesterone application and prayed that we would have embryos ready for us in the morning (At this point we hadn't heard anything about our embryos since Thursday morning.).
The morning started off very slow... I know, I should have been eager and bright eyed, but to be honest I just kept hitting snooze and finally asked Mike if he would just get ready first. I felt exhausted and apprehension probably had something to do with it, too. With the late start we left the hotel with only a few minutes to get to the facility and I was FREAKING OUT!!!! Majorly panicking that we would be late!!! Well, we were late... but just by a few minutes. It didn't seem to be a problem at all, especially since we were scheduled to be there 30 minutes before my procedure. They called us right back and we went to the same room that I was in before and after my retrieval. The nurse was FABULOUS!!! She reminded me of a flight attendent as she rattled off the list of restrictions that I would need to follow after the transfer. She had such a spunky personality. :) Soon we had all of our information for what to do after we went home and they had me get changed into the lovely gown. So glamorous!!
The next person to enter the room was the embryologist. She walked in and told us that all 7 of our embryos had made it. She said that we had 2 grade A embryos that woud be used for the transfer, 3 grade B embryos that would be frozen, and 2 grade C embryos that would be destroyed. Mike and I looked at each other and immediately said, "WHAT?!?!??!". We discussed with the embryologist that we did not feel comforable with the idea of destroying any embryos and she stated that she felt that those embryos were not worth freezing because they would likely not make it throught the freezing and/or thawing process. She said that they were not growing at the rate of the others. Basically she was stating that they were inferior. The thing is, I know someone who has "Grade C twins". They are amazing!! They are tied for #1 in their high school class, they are wonderful kids, and they have a family who loves them. They are the "Grade C" poster children!!! How could I let this facility destroy my Grade C babies?!?!? Well, the answer is that we didn't. We asked her if we could have some time to talk to each other, but that wasn't possible due to the need for the paperwork to be signed before the procedure. So, we said that we wanted them frozen and if they didn't make it through freezing and thawing at least we gave them a chance. I know that Mike was very taken back by the situation and he wasn't prepared to have to face it at that point. Neither of us really thought about the fact that we could be presented with such a situation. But, we know we made the right decision. So, we have 3 vials of our frozen embryos: 1 B and 1 C, 1 B and 1 C, and 1 B. We have already decided that if at any point we determine that our family is complete, we will donate the remaining embryos to a family that is on the waiting list at the facility. I can't imagine what those couples are going through as they wait. I do know from our previous experience that it is a terrible feeling to think that you may never have a chance at forming your own embryos. I hope that someday we will be able to help someone in that situation.
The embryologist left and brought in the catheter with the 2 embryos in it and left the room again. The doctor and nurse came in at that point and I have a feeling that the staff must have told him about my anesthetized ramblings because Dr. G was actually very personable!!! Seriously!!! He came in and asked how our Halloween was and after we told him we spent it driving and had stayed at the hotel he recommended, he continued to tell us about his evening. He said that he is lucky because the area he lives in is wooded and therefore doesn't get any trick or treaters! HAHA!!! He then said that he gets candy just in case, but he also said that it was a great night because he went to the grocery store and noone was there! I got a kick out of the conversation because while being personable and chatting he managed to say that he was lucky that he didn't have to deal with trick or treaters! HAHA!! So ironic to me that he is in the business of bringing children into the world!!! :)The urse then made the comment that she had guessed that I was a kindergarten teacher because I was so nice. She was so curious that she had actually checked online in my file to see what my occupation was. I wonder if she really sees a trend with the demeanor of people from different occupations?!? Is there a certain occupation taht she really dreads dealling with?? She was very proud of herself when she read that I am an elementary teacher. It made me feel good to know that she felt that I was extremely nice. Sometimes in those tough situations you want to be kind, you try to be gracious, but you aren't really sure if it is all working!!!
At that point they instructed me to assume the position!!! ( I will spare you the details!!!) For this procedure you must have a full bladder, so the doctor and nurse completed a sonogram to determine if my bladder was full enough to get started. It was determined that my bladder looked "great" and we were able to move forward. The procedure went very smoothly. It is not something that is comfortable to have done to you, but it is also the means to us having children, so it will be worth it!! Once they felt that everything was in position they walkie talkied to the embryologist to let her know that the transfer was complete. YEP!!! They walkie talkied!!! I thought it was SOOO cool!!! Then the embryologist came in and grabbed the catheter carefully to take and examine for assurance that the embryos were in my body and not still in the catheter! It was exciting to hear her radio back the all clear. The doctor and nurse said that everything looked great and that they didn't see a reason why this wouldn't work out. Then they said that I needed to lay flat for 30 minutes and I could use the restroom after that. THIRTY MINUTES!!!! The nurse also told me that she could bring in a bed pan if my bladder was going to give out. Well, the problem is that I REALLY had to go, but I am physically unable to go in a bed pan. I tried after one of my surgeries and it just wouldn't work. I am guessing it is due to the endometriosis and how it has things all messed up in there, but for whatever reason I cannot do it. So, I had to just wait for 30 torcherous minutes for relief. About 15 minutes into this wait my legs started shaking, which was not a good thing because the way they left me had my legs bent onto a part of the bed that was collapsible. So, as my legs were shaking it was bouncing the collapsible part of the bed. :/ Not comfortable!!! Not at all!!! I started checking facebook, playing games on my phone, trying to do anything to distract myself. I was almost in tears. I kept telling Mike that I was going to pee the bed. At that point we had about 5 minutes left and Mike had my clothes in his hands and ready for me so that I could throw them on and shoot across the hallway to the bathroom. Within a couple minutes we had decided that I would not even worry about changing and that I could change after I had gone. It was SUPER intense. Definitely the worst part of the procedure! I continued to play on the phone while Mike watched the clock. When he told me I could get up it was like a sad joke... the bed and the contraptions on the bed had me trapped. I thought I would pee the bed for sure by the time I got around all the contraptions. But I made it... and I even decided on throwing my clothes on before entering the hallway... THANKFULLY!!!! Wouldn't you know it, Dr. G. was right outside the door when I walked out there. Now that I think of it, it shouldn't be that embarrassing... afterall, there isn't anything that he would have seen that he hadn't just seen 30 minutes earlier! HAHAH!! (Sorry, but I have to keep a sense of humor about the number of doctors that have been all up in my business or I would go CRAZY!!!) We were then sent on our way and I was instructed to be on bed rest for two days. I was also given the restriction that I couldn't really lift anything during that time, and that I can't lift over 10 pounds for the next couple weeks at least.
I forgot to mention that during my time laying flat we decided that we really wanted to go meet Rylan and see the rest of the Schroeder family as well. So, we got into the car and made the trek to DeKalb... it was so close to where we were that I just couldn't pass up the opportunity, even if I did have to lay flat on their couch the whole visit. So we stayed a couple hours and ate lunch with them. It was a great visit and I am glad we made the slight detour!!! :)
Once I got home Mike was fabulous! He got dishes and laundry going. He took care of getting me fed and made sure that I was as comfortable as I could be. (My back was killing me at that point!) And he made sure that I had everything necessary to remain hydrated.
Bed rest was rough because being flat on my back was really uncomfortable due to my back pain. This is a side effect of the procedure and of my new progesterone and it was pretty rough. When I went back to work on Monday I felt like I would die... dizziness, vomiting, back pain, exhaustion. It was just terrible. But, I made it through and I even stayed to work on things until about 5:00. Tuesday was a little better, but my back pain was still there. It has improved from there, but by 5 each day I am really ready to head home and hit the couch. Last night I managed to make lasagna roll ups when I got home!! Tonight I am getting some laundry done!! Small victories!!!
For now I continue to stay off my feet as much as possible. I don't lift things that are greater than 10 pounds. I try to keep my feet up at night. I have been attempting to get a little more sleep. I have been making sure to get more than the 64 ounces of water that they told me I was require to drink. I have been taking the prescription prenatal and doing my progesterone gel applications. So, I am doing everything I can to assure that things are going well. I have been praying for these babies. I pray that they burrow in and make themselves cozy. That they grow and grow and grow into healthy Team McVey members!!! And I also think that I am kind of in denial about everything that has taken place... it seems SOOO surreal!!
Thank you for your continued support, thoughts, and prayers!! The outpouring of support truly is remarkable!
Next week is going to be tough. As we get closer to finding out if we have additions to Team McVey still with us and growing I am sure I will be increasingly anxious!!! Hopefully you will be hearing from me soon that we have at least one new member of Team McVey on board!! Mike has made it very clear that four new members would not be his ideal situation. I think he has now realized that two would be scary, but also exciting. We haven't really discussed three... but I know that we will do the best we can with God's plan is for us!!!
Friday night (Halloween) Mike and I made the trip to Rockford. On the way we were very suprised to see so much traffic on 74 and 88... it was Halloween night and PRIME trick or treating time!!! What were these people doing?!?!!? We decided to stop in Sterling to have dinner at a mom and pop type restaurant and we were suprised by the number of people out to eat during trick or treating time. Although, one couple did have candy that they were handing out at their table. Apparently they are REGULARS!!! From the sounds of it they might be there daily! ;) We got back on the road and arrived in Rockford sometime after 9 p.m., settled in and watched the end of the Bulls game. Then, what sounds better than sleep on the night before transfering embryos??!?!??! Denny's desserts!!! Mike had an amazing banana split and I ordered the caramal apple crisp. So good!!!! We then went back to the hotel and realized that we were going to be SUPER tired in the morning!! The sacrifices we are willing to make for dessert!!! HAHAHH!! I did my progesterone application and prayed that we would have embryos ready for us in the morning (At this point we hadn't heard anything about our embryos since Thursday morning.).
The morning started off very slow... I know, I should have been eager and bright eyed, but to be honest I just kept hitting snooze and finally asked Mike if he would just get ready first. I felt exhausted and apprehension probably had something to do with it, too. With the late start we left the hotel with only a few minutes to get to the facility and I was FREAKING OUT!!!! Majorly panicking that we would be late!!! Well, we were late... but just by a few minutes. It didn't seem to be a problem at all, especially since we were scheduled to be there 30 minutes before my procedure. They called us right back and we went to the same room that I was in before and after my retrieval. The nurse was FABULOUS!!! She reminded me of a flight attendent as she rattled off the list of restrictions that I would need to follow after the transfer. She had such a spunky personality. :) Soon we had all of our information for what to do after we went home and they had me get changed into the lovely gown. So glamorous!!
The next person to enter the room was the embryologist. She walked in and told us that all 7 of our embryos had made it. She said that we had 2 grade A embryos that woud be used for the transfer, 3 grade B embryos that would be frozen, and 2 grade C embryos that would be destroyed. Mike and I looked at each other and immediately said, "WHAT?!?!??!". We discussed with the embryologist that we did not feel comforable with the idea of destroying any embryos and she stated that she felt that those embryos were not worth freezing because they would likely not make it throught the freezing and/or thawing process. She said that they were not growing at the rate of the others. Basically she was stating that they were inferior. The thing is, I know someone who has "Grade C twins". They are amazing!! They are tied for #1 in their high school class, they are wonderful kids, and they have a family who loves them. They are the "Grade C" poster children!!! How could I let this facility destroy my Grade C babies?!?!? Well, the answer is that we didn't. We asked her if we could have some time to talk to each other, but that wasn't possible due to the need for the paperwork to be signed before the procedure. So, we said that we wanted them frozen and if they didn't make it through freezing and thawing at least we gave them a chance. I know that Mike was very taken back by the situation and he wasn't prepared to have to face it at that point. Neither of us really thought about the fact that we could be presented with such a situation. But, we know we made the right decision. So, we have 3 vials of our frozen embryos: 1 B and 1 C, 1 B and 1 C, and 1 B. We have already decided that if at any point we determine that our family is complete, we will donate the remaining embryos to a family that is on the waiting list at the facility. I can't imagine what those couples are going through as they wait. I do know from our previous experience that it is a terrible feeling to think that you may never have a chance at forming your own embryos. I hope that someday we will be able to help someone in that situation.
The embryologist left and brought in the catheter with the 2 embryos in it and left the room again. The doctor and nurse came in at that point and I have a feeling that the staff must have told him about my anesthetized ramblings because Dr. G was actually very personable!!! Seriously!!! He came in and asked how our Halloween was and after we told him we spent it driving and had stayed at the hotel he recommended, he continued to tell us about his evening. He said that he is lucky because the area he lives in is wooded and therefore doesn't get any trick or treaters! HAHA!!! He then said that he gets candy just in case, but he also said that it was a great night because he went to the grocery store and noone was there! I got a kick out of the conversation because while being personable and chatting he managed to say that he was lucky that he didn't have to deal with trick or treaters! HAHA!! So ironic to me that he is in the business of bringing children into the world!!! :)The urse then made the comment that she had guessed that I was a kindergarten teacher because I was so nice. She was so curious that she had actually checked online in my file to see what my occupation was. I wonder if she really sees a trend with the demeanor of people from different occupations?!? Is there a certain occupation taht she really dreads dealling with?? She was very proud of herself when she read that I am an elementary teacher. It made me feel good to know that she felt that I was extremely nice. Sometimes in those tough situations you want to be kind, you try to be gracious, but you aren't really sure if it is all working!!!
At that point they instructed me to assume the position!!! ( I will spare you the details!!!) For this procedure you must have a full bladder, so the doctor and nurse completed a sonogram to determine if my bladder was full enough to get started. It was determined that my bladder looked "great" and we were able to move forward. The procedure went very smoothly. It is not something that is comfortable to have done to you, but it is also the means to us having children, so it will be worth it!! Once they felt that everything was in position they walkie talkied to the embryologist to let her know that the transfer was complete. YEP!!! They walkie talkied!!! I thought it was SOOO cool!!! Then the embryologist came in and grabbed the catheter carefully to take and examine for assurance that the embryos were in my body and not still in the catheter! It was exciting to hear her radio back the all clear. The doctor and nurse said that everything looked great and that they didn't see a reason why this wouldn't work out. Then they said that I needed to lay flat for 30 minutes and I could use the restroom after that. THIRTY MINUTES!!!! The nurse also told me that she could bring in a bed pan if my bladder was going to give out. Well, the problem is that I REALLY had to go, but I am physically unable to go in a bed pan. I tried after one of my surgeries and it just wouldn't work. I am guessing it is due to the endometriosis and how it has things all messed up in there, but for whatever reason I cannot do it. So, I had to just wait for 30 torcherous minutes for relief. About 15 minutes into this wait my legs started shaking, which was not a good thing because the way they left me had my legs bent onto a part of the bed that was collapsible. So, as my legs were shaking it was bouncing the collapsible part of the bed. :/ Not comfortable!!! Not at all!!! I started checking facebook, playing games on my phone, trying to do anything to distract myself. I was almost in tears. I kept telling Mike that I was going to pee the bed. At that point we had about 5 minutes left and Mike had my clothes in his hands and ready for me so that I could throw them on and shoot across the hallway to the bathroom. Within a couple minutes we had decided that I would not even worry about changing and that I could change after I had gone. It was SUPER intense. Definitely the worst part of the procedure! I continued to play on the phone while Mike watched the clock. When he told me I could get up it was like a sad joke... the bed and the contraptions on the bed had me trapped. I thought I would pee the bed for sure by the time I got around all the contraptions. But I made it... and I even decided on throwing my clothes on before entering the hallway... THANKFULLY!!!! Wouldn't you know it, Dr. G. was right outside the door when I walked out there. Now that I think of it, it shouldn't be that embarrassing... afterall, there isn't anything that he would have seen that he hadn't just seen 30 minutes earlier! HAHAH!! (Sorry, but I have to keep a sense of humor about the number of doctors that have been all up in my business or I would go CRAZY!!!) We were then sent on our way and I was instructed to be on bed rest for two days. I was also given the restriction that I couldn't really lift anything during that time, and that I can't lift over 10 pounds for the next couple weeks at least.
I forgot to mention that during my time laying flat we decided that we really wanted to go meet Rylan and see the rest of the Schroeder family as well. So, we got into the car and made the trek to DeKalb... it was so close to where we were that I just couldn't pass up the opportunity, even if I did have to lay flat on their couch the whole visit. So we stayed a couple hours and ate lunch with them. It was a great visit and I am glad we made the slight detour!!! :)
Once I got home Mike was fabulous! He got dishes and laundry going. He took care of getting me fed and made sure that I was as comfortable as I could be. (My back was killing me at that point!) And he made sure that I had everything necessary to remain hydrated.
Bed rest was rough because being flat on my back was really uncomfortable due to my back pain. This is a side effect of the procedure and of my new progesterone and it was pretty rough. When I went back to work on Monday I felt like I would die... dizziness, vomiting, back pain, exhaustion. It was just terrible. But, I made it through and I even stayed to work on things until about 5:00. Tuesday was a little better, but my back pain was still there. It has improved from there, but by 5 each day I am really ready to head home and hit the couch. Last night I managed to make lasagna roll ups when I got home!! Tonight I am getting some laundry done!! Small victories!!!
For now I continue to stay off my feet as much as possible. I don't lift things that are greater than 10 pounds. I try to keep my feet up at night. I have been attempting to get a little more sleep. I have been making sure to get more than the 64 ounces of water that they told me I was require to drink. I have been taking the prescription prenatal and doing my progesterone gel applications. So, I am doing everything I can to assure that things are going well. I have been praying for these babies. I pray that they burrow in and make themselves cozy. That they grow and grow and grow into healthy Team McVey members!!! And I also think that I am kind of in denial about everything that has taken place... it seems SOOO surreal!!
Thank you for your continued support, thoughts, and prayers!! The outpouring of support truly is remarkable!
Next week is going to be tough. As we get closer to finding out if we have additions to Team McVey still with us and growing I am sure I will be increasingly anxious!!! Hopefully you will be hearing from me soon that we have at least one new member of Team McVey on board!! Mike has made it very clear that four new members would not be his ideal situation. I think he has now realized that two would be scary, but also exciting. We haven't really discussed three... but I know that we will do the best we can with God's plan is for us!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)