13 Weeks - The Good, The Great, The Terrifying

This week was Week 13.  I will be 14 Weeks tomorrow.

The Good - Last Monday I was pretty excited.  I had a tiny "baby bump" that popped up over the previous weekend, which was pretty exciting AND we entered the 2nd trimester!!! 

The Great - Tuesday afternoon we had our rescheduled ultrasound.  The previous week we were scheduled for an ultrasound, but the machine broke and they could not complete one.  We got a call to go in for the appointment anyway, but when we got there Amy apologized and said that there was no reason to see us without the ultrasound to look over.  So, Tuesday I took off another afternoon and we went to Cottage OB/GYN.  When we got there the lady said, "Did anyone call you?" and my heart sunk to my stomach... Amy had an emergency that she had to leave for.  Noone had called and I was super upset... as was Mike.  The lady then quickly assured us that we would still have the ultrasound and that Amy could call us with the results when she got back.  So, we did not have a checkup, but we did get to see the most AMAZING thing that I have ever seen in my life.  The ultrasound was UNBELIEVABLE!!!! I coudn't believe it, the baby had grown SO much!! Baby McVey was in a deep sleep at the beginning of the ultrasound.  The heartrate was 156, which I thought was great considering the fact that baby was sleeping!  It took several minutes to wake baby up.  We got some adorable pictures of our snoozer!  Baby was sleeping with its arms over its head, knees up, and ankles crossed.  Its little mouth was moving.  We could see all of the features of its profile and its little ear.  Then, baby rolled over and turned its back to us, still trying to sleep! One more nudge and baby rolled towards us and swung it's hand up in the air!  All 4 fingers and a thumb were clear as day!  The hand closed and opened and I squealed with excitement!  Then Baby McVey got very active and was stretching and rolling about.  The ultrasound tech thought it might do a roll!  She said, "Well, there is no such thing as TOO active of a baby." and she laughed!  She said that Baby McVey is definitely an active kiddo!  Mike said that Baby McVey is already more flexible than he is! HAHA!! I was on CLOUD 9!!! I even forgot to go to a United Way meeting because I was so blown away by the whole thing.  I think I also forgot because while I was waiting for the ultrasound results to be called in I got a recorded call saying to call for scheduling right away and I totally freaked out! We had already set my next appointment for May 5th with Dr. Piper.  So, I thought they had to have seen something in the ultrasound that was not good.  But, when I called back they said that it was just a glitch and I should disregard it.  Later, I got a call from Amy and she said that everything looked perfect and matched up well with the information they got from Iowa City.  I was ecstatic!!! CLOUD 9!!!!! OH!! And baby was measuring 5 days ahead!! Baby McVey is going to be tall!! :) 

It was an insane feeling to be SO EXCITED because I had been so guarded and cautious throughout the whole pregnancy.  Don't get me wrong, I was happy that IVF worked this time, but I was extremely scared of all that could go wrong.  It was very hard for me to let myself believe that everything woud be okay and that the other shoe wasn't just waiting to drop.  BUT, with one ultrasound ALL of my reservations about the pregnancy fell away!  I was elated! 

The Terrifying - (warning that some of this is kind of gross) Wednesday morning was like any other morning.  I threw up first thing.  I taught my morning groups.  But, I felt super tired.  I have been having trouble getting comfortable at night, so I thought I just didn't sleep well.  We had a 1:00 dismissal, so it was a pretty quick day.  A little after 1:00 we had a quick Young Author's meeting and then we had our faculty/school improvement meeting at 1:30.  At about 2:00 I went to the restroom and everything was fine.  But, sometime between 2 and 2:30 I had a sudden feeling that my rump had fallen asleep... we hadn't even been sitting long.  Then, I felt something that most ladies would know as that feeling when they start their period.  Of course I was instantly alarmed.  The meeting ended and I went down the hallway toward the bathroom.  On the way I saw that a copy repair man had been locked out.  I went and got Mr. Coate to help the guy and went into the restroom to see what was going on and to my shock my feeling was right.  It was blood. I wasn't in complete panic mode yet because it wasn't bright red.  I knew that I needed to call the doctors office though or I would go crazy.  So, I walked back to my classroom and got my phone.  It wouldn't work in my room so I went across the hall and made the call.  They told me that they would have a nurse call back.  I went back to the restroom because I could feel more blood.  This time it was bright red, on my liner, in the toilet, and when I wiped.  I knew that was not a good combination.  Panic set in.  I started walking down the hallway and saw an amazing woman that works at our school who is a retired nurse.  She told me to get home or get on my back.  So, we went to the cot and she used blankets to prop up my hips while we waited for the Dr's office to call back.  She stayed with me until I stopped crying and then she had to go pick up her granddaughter.  I stayed in the office with my hips up.  The nurse called back and I explained what I saw when I used the restroom the last time.  She said that at 13 weeks there was nothing they could do and that I would have to wait it out.  She explained her thoughts and said that she would talk to Amy and get back to me.  I stayed in the office with my hips up long enough that the automatic lights turned off! Then a couple teachers came in and I cried as I told them what was happening.  They were so supportive and I felt terrible that I couldn't keep calm as I waited for the nurse to call back. When she called back she said that Amy agreed with what she had told me before.   She said that it could be nothing.  She explained to me what I should do if the bleeding got more intense.  She then said that though she knew it was hard to hear if I was going to miscarry I was going to miscarry and there was no way to stop it. At that point I couldn't control my crying on the phone.  I was trying to remain calm, but that was the LAST thing I wanted to hear.  I was terrified.  I also knew that I needed to calm down because it wasn't helping the bleeding to cry to hard.  Everyone at school was being fabulous.  Everyone was being super helpful.  Amazing ladies got me home and set up on the couch.  My brain wasn't even working anymore I was so numb and my fear was so intense.  If the bleeding hadn't been bright red and I couldn't see it in the toilet I would have been nervous, but bright red and in the toilet had me regretting that I had let my guard down.  I just knew that the other shoe was dropping.  Then I decided that I had to change my thinking.  I would just rest on the couch and not do anything.  An amazing friend sat with me because Mike was still working.  I was numb.  I was terrified.  There are no words to describe the way that I felt.  When Mike got home I told him that I was "all out of strong and that I could not handle losing our baby."  I truly felt like I had not an ounce of strength left for more sadness.  I used it all up while we were trying to GET pregnant.  

That night I decided that I would wait and see how I felt in the morning before calling in for the next day.  I didn't want to take the day off if the bleeding was a fluke.  Unfortunately I woke up at 5 a.m. and was still bleeding.  Luckily, throughout the day it became spottting and then it turned to only brown... which Google said was a good thing.  Then I went a few hours with nothing.  Also a good sign.  At 10:00 p.m. I had a bit of brown spotting, but then I didn't have anything else.  I decided to go to school the next day.  I was nervous, but our sick days are our maternity leave, so I felt like I would regret staying home if I didn't have more spotting.

School went pretty well on Friday.  I started spotting at about 10:30 that morning and spotted throughout the day, but it was nothing like Wednesday.  I was able to stay calm and I finished out the school day.  I decided to have a "couch rest" weekend in hopes that whatever has caused this would come to an end.  I haven't had any spotting since Friday, so it appears that "couch rest" was just what I needed.

I am so thankful to have such supportive people surrounding me on a daily basis.  Everyone was wonderful while I was falling apart.  I recognize that it can be normal to have spotting during pregnancy and hopefully that is what I experienced... just "normal" spotting.  But, on Wednesday nothing about the situation seemed normal.  I have heard stories of a lot of people who have had spotting during pregnancy.  I appreciated that people were trying to comfort me with stories of successful pregnancies that had spotting.  But, I knew of many situations in which things did not turn out so well and those were hard to move beyond.  At this point, I am going to do my best to move forward without fear.  But, if I am being honest I know that my guard is back up.  It is going to be hard to wait for that May 5th appointment.  I just want to hear Baby McVey to know that everything is okay.  It was terrifying to go from everything looks perfect to there is nothing we can do.

We are so lucky to have such an amazing group of people supporting us through this journey.  Week 13 is just an example of the fact that we need just as many prayers now as we ever did and that the journey of Team McVey is far from over.  Goodness... it has only just begun!  Thank you for your continued support as we await our next appointment!  Thank you for your thoughts and prayers and we move on to Week 14 of this pregnancy!  Thank you for all of your kind words when I posted about the sonogram.  I didn't get a chance to respond to many of them before the bleeding started and after it started I just didn't have words.  But please know that I apprecated all of the likes, words of support, and prayers that were said!  I read them all OVER and OVER while I waited for the bleeding to stop!

Looking forward to Week 14, but not forgetting that Week 13 was full of some amazing moments, too!! 

Leap Day

I am so sorry that I did not post earlier in the week!  I was a nervous wreck leading up to our appointment and completely exhausted myself!  I slept 2 and 1/2 hours when I got home and then we have been running ever since with a busy week.

Great news! I was instantly relieved when the internal sonogram started because I could immediately see that we had a change on the screen!  Then, as soon as she zoomed in I could see the heart beating!  It was SO fast!! She pointed it out and I just knew that everything was great.  Then she asked if we wanted to hear it.  OF COURSE!!! The heart rate was 148 and it was strong and loud! Mike even commented on how loud it was.  Then she did the measurements and said that the baby is right on track for the day we were in our pregnancy.  The machine ran out of paper, so she gave us a picture and a half and said that she would get us some more pictures.  She said that the pink edges of the paper meant nothing... just that the paper was out.  I told her that if it is a girl I will tell everyone that she is psychic and tell everyone to see her!

We met with the nurse practitioner and she was wonderful.  She talked to us about how we are feeling and my pregnancy symptoms.  She talked about foods to stay away from.  She was just great and addressed lots of things.  She also told us that she saw a bruise in the sonogram that we will go back and have checked next week.  She said that it is common to have a bruise from IVF and that we should not worry or Google it.  Well, by Monday night I just HAD to Google it and I am glad that I did because I read that we REALLY shouldn't worry!! If I was already established with an OB they would have had me follow up on it with them, but since we have never been to the OB we will use we will stay with the University of Iowa for one more appointment.  Then, once they see that the bruise is smaller, they will send us to a local OB.  It is crazy to think that we will get so many opportunities to see our little one this month!! :)

One thing that the nurse practitioner discussed was how scary an IVF pregnancy can be.  She said that many times people have a different reaction than they thought they would.  That has been true for me.  I was worried about my reaction.  I thought there was something wrong with me.  But, I got a letter in the mail from U of I telling me that it is okay if I am reacting differently than I thought I would and then, without any knowledge of my case, the nurse practitioner told me that IVF pregnancies are scary and it is okay if I am reacting differently.  SO, I thought I should mention it here so that people do not think they are crazy like I did!!! IVF pregnancy is scary!! Heck, for all I know, any pregnancy could be scary... I only have IVF pregnancy to judge from.  When I got the call I did not cry like I had always imagined.  I was very calm... WAY too calm.  I was in shock and that lasted for days and days.  Then I was afraid.  I was afraid that something horrible was going to happen.  I was basically holding my breath until Leap Day.  Don't get me wrong... I was very happy to hear the news, but I was so scared.  I had never heard a yes before.  I didn't know how to handle yes.  I only knew how to handle no.

Then, on the day of our sonogram, I was SICK.  I was up all night with nervous tummy and then I was puking from morning sickness.  I was a mess.  But, the weight of the world was off of my shoulders as soon as I saw the heart beating.  Then I was instantly in fear mode again... it is still so early.  What if, what if, what if.  Then hearing of the bruise... We were told not to worry so Mike didn't worry at all.  He didn't even think about it again, but of course it weighed on my mind.  I am fine now.  I Googled it (I know... Google is usually doom and gloom, but it wasn't this time!)  and I am fine now.  Turns out that she is right... it seems to happen with IVF patients! So now I am back to just being cautious.  No longer nervous about the bruise, just cautious because it is still early!

The shock in all of this is that I thought that I would be full of happy tears and jumping for joy, but I haven't.  I have been enjoying a state of cautious optimism and taking each yucky symptom as a wonderful sign that everything is still going well!! My tears came when the nurse practitioner said that IVF pregnancy is scary.  She talked about the years that we worked hard to make this happen and all of the emotions that go into that.  She talked about the importance of supporting each other through this scary pregnancy and my eyes filled with tears... I could remember the exact moment that we decided that we were actually going to try to start a family... that was 6 and 1/2 years ago!! And, she is right... we have faced so much together, each step of this journey.  I am tearful now, just remembering the decisions we made and the different steps that we dreaded.  Some are funny to look back on because they were not really a big deal at all considering the steps that would follow!  Some really were hard.  But, now we are on the other side of those things and it is such a surreal feeling!  I cannot honestly say that the shock has worn off for me! HAHAH! The shock wore off for Mike long ago, but for me... not so much!

Thank you SO much for all of your thoughts and prayers!! We appreciate you all!  And we appreciate your continued support as our journey continues! :)

So far we have been told by many people that with a heart rate of 148 it is a girl... only time will tell!! I love reading about the old wive's tales!! :)

I will try to post earlier about next week's visit!! Have a wonderful weekend!! I will likely be sleeping and trying to contain icky tummy by eating nonstop!! Protein palooza for a whole different reason this time!!! HAHAH!

6 and 1/2 years

6 and 1/2 years... that is how long it took!!! Each month hoping and praying that it would be different than the last.  6 and 1/2 years and one phone call changed everything!  After 6 and 1/2 years the mantra that I told myself with every injection "this will be worth it if it works" was proven true when I heard the news and realized that every single injection would be completely worth it and that I would do a MILLION more if I had to.  6 and 1/2 years of heartache vanished with a voicemail message that said "Please call us back.  Your lab results are in and we have good news!".  

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers throughout this journey!! We are still going to need them as we move closer to our February 29th appointment to hear the heartbeat of our baby.  (What are you going to do with your extra day this year?!?!? We are going to hear our baby's heartbeat!!!! AHHHH!!!) And all the way up to October (Our due date is October 18, 2016.) when we hope to have a healthly little boy or girl join Team McVey!  

I will make another post soon that gives more details about our two week wait, but I wanted to celebrate with all of you this weekend!!! We have a new little Valentine on board!!! :)  

Thanks again for your continued thoughts and prayers!  This journey has only just begun!!! 

Mini update

I decided to make a "Mini Update" and a "Full Story".  This is the mini version!  If you would like to check out the "Full Story" you can check it out under "IVF Update!" posted tonight.

This cycle has been quite a journey!  It has been totally different than any of our other cycles, yet so much of it was exactly the same... not sure if that makes sense or not, but it is true.

During this cycle I have realized that the pain of infertility never gets easier.  It is exhausting.  It truly is.  I think that the reason I waited to post about this cycle is because I have felt so numb.  It is scary to be hopeful.  It is scary to let yourself believe that this could actually work this time.

We started medication on January 6th.  Things moved very quickly, yet slow as molasses at the same time!  We had retrieval on Jan. 25th and they were able to retrieve 6 eggs.  We found out on the 26th that 4 of the eggs were mature and that all 4 of them fertilized.  They set up a Jan. 30th transfer and we received a report that we had an Excellent Embryo, a Good Embryo, and two embryos that they thought were "arresting".  The Dr. was hopeful that the "good" embryo would be able to be frozen.

The transfer on Saturday the 30th went very well.  We are very hopeful that this time will be different!

I have said lots of prayers for our embryo that was transferred.  I also said a lot of prayers for the 3 that were still culturing.  Unfortunately we found out on Monday morning that none of the culturing embryos survived to freeze them for future use.

We are currently in the two week wait. We are hopeful that we will have good news around Valentine's Day!

Thank you for your continued support!  We appreciate your thoughts and prayers!

IVF Update!

WOW!! A lot has happened since I posted on January 5th!  I am not exactly sure why I didn't do updates throughout this cycle.  The cycle was completely different than previous cycles and a LOT was happening, so it would have made sense to document it, but I think a part of me was just numb to the process this time.  I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop.  But... now we are on the other side of this cycle and I promised an update last week!

January 5th I posted that I would be starting an antagon cycle.  I had never tried an antagon cycle before so I had NO idea what to expect.  I started estrogen pills on January 6th.  I took them in the morning and at night.  Then I did 3 days of Ganarelix Jan. 7th, 8th, and 9th.  The estrogen pills were to continue until the 17th.  I was told that if I spotted for 3 days or started a period I should call the office right away for an ultrasound THAT DAY.  Well, day 3 of spotting was Jan. 9th, so I called the weekend number and did not get a call back.  On Sunday, Jan. 10th I started a HORRIBLE (and honestly scary) period... tons of cramping, clotting, and sickness! Still no call back.  So, I sent my principal a text asking him if he wanted me to try to come in the next day or if I should just take the day and try to get in as soon as possible.  At this point I didn't know if this was something going horribly wrong or what, but I knew that I was supposed to take the estrogen until the 17th, so I wasn't expecting a period until sometime around then.  My principal told me to do whatever I felt most comfortable, so I decided to just take the day and hope that they could get me in quickly.

I called the IVF clinic and they said that they wanted to see me right away.  They told me that they would forward my information to the Quad Cities office and that I should call that office in 30 minutes to set up an ultrasound.  I thought it was weird that they wouldn't just call me, but I have learned that everything has to be weird and difficult, so I did not argue!  After 30 minutes I called and set up an 11:30 ultrasound.  Mike and got ready and we left for the Quad Cities without an understanding of what was happening.  (At this point I was fairly certain that we were a month out from IVF... that is how it worked when we did birth control cycles... we would start the birth control and then I was on it for a month and then we would start other meds... that is all I knew)  Once we got there we went back and they took my vitals.  Mike said to me, "Take off your shoes, take off your glasses."  The nurse glared at him! HAHAH!! But, he said, "No, she has a goal and she wants to reach it!"  So I took off my shoes and stepped onto the scale and I DID IT!! I was down 10% of the weight I was at on September 13th!! WOOHOO!!! Mike was happy for me, the nurse was happy for me, I was happy for myself!! It was a great moment, but I also knew that we were headed back for an ultrasound. :/

Once the nice nurse who took the vitals was finished the sonographer came and got us... let me just say that Gretchen is AMAZING!! We have had a LOT of internal sonograms... A LOT!!! And Mike always sits in the back and says nothing.  He always says that he has no idea what is happening and he never asks questions.  Well this time was very different... She started looking at my ovaries and explaining everything (at this point I thought that I shouldn't have any follicles... that is what is supposed to happen during birth control cycles... the only cycle I know!)  I saw follicles and immediately my heart sank.  But, she seemed upbeat.  She started counting follicles and seemed happy that I had several.  She talked, I stared, suddenly Mike asked a question and I looked back at him.  Gretchen was explaining things enough that Mike felt comfortable asking what was going on and she answered all of his questions very patiently.  It was GREAT! She counted that I had 6 follicles on the right ovary and 2 on the left ovary.  Then they sent us to Exam Room 3 and we waited for a nurse to meet with us.

The nurse came in and brought in a purple folder full of information.  She said that she was surprised that we hadn't called the day before to set up a sonogram.  I told her that we had tried to call the weekend pager, but did not get anyone.  She said, "Oh.  Okay.  Sorry about that.  The Iowa City office only has to carry the pager if they have someone close to retrieval.  We have to carry the cell phone between 9 and noon.  Always call here." I told her that I didn't have the number.  So, she gave it to me and I quickly realized that this number would be my lifeline!! ;)  The nurse then went over all kinds of information regarding the IVF cycle and she finished with telling us that we would start stimulation meds THAT NIGHT!  WHAT!?!?!?! Things quickly went from me feeling like something was wrong with me due to a horrific period to elated within seconds! So, we packed everything up and headed home so that we could prepare our meds!

The first few nights of shots were pretty uneventful.  We were only doing the Follistim and it uses a very small need that gets attached to a "pen".  Then things went CRAZY!  On Thursday, Jan 14th I was starting a new injection, Menipur. (Not completely new... I have done it before.) I was doing the injections a little early because I was going to the Jason Aldean concert with Emily and Catrina .  When I went to get the needles out for that injection I realize that they did not put them in our order.  I began searching all over and looking at receipts... they definitely did NOT put them in the order.  I start panicking!! The office was already closed.  There was noone to get ahold of.  What the heck could I do?!?! So, I started searching the bag that I keep all of my injection stuff in.  I found TWO needles! Phew! The panic had subsided, but I knew that I would have to call the pharmacy first thing in the morning to get needles sent overnight! The only other drama with that shot was that I had forgotten how much Menipur STINGS!!! OUCH!!!

The next morning I called and they told me that they needed my credit card number right away and that they would then process the order and they would overnight the needles that we needed.  They didn't have an explanation for why we didn't get them with our original order, but I didn't care as long as the needles came on Saturday.  Fast forward to Saturday... We had an appointment at 8:30 a.m. for a sonogram in the Quad Cities. The nurse Aly was awesome, Gretchen was awesome! It was a great appointment even though the follicles were small.  They scheduled another appointment for Monday at 10:00.  We told Aly about the needles and she told us to call if they didn't come.  So, we went home and I sat at home ALL DAY waiting for them to show up.  Nothing came.  The pharmacy was closed.  The oncall nuber was already off.  I had to call the "emergency number" for the resident on call.  The lady at the switchboard was very kind when she told me that someone from OB was covering for the IVF department and unfortunately that person was busy... how can I be mad at a lady for delivering a baby?!?!? UGH!! So, I went ahead and started calling pharmacies to see if anyplace nearby had the needles that I needed if we could get an order sent by the OB on call.  Monmouth's pharmacy was closed.  Galesburg had the needles... they said they would be ready whenever the order was sent.  The pharmacist was FABULOUS!!! Our injection time comes and goes.  We did the Follistim and I took the estrogen.  Mike even threw out the idea of using one of the old needles... that is how desperate we were getting! :/  Don't worry... we knew that it wasn't a good idea and we DID NOT do it! At this point Mike is still trying to figure out what happened to the package.  He finally got ahold of someone at FedEx and they tell him that there was NO SUCH PACKAGE!  I am FURIOUS!!! Time continues to pass... At about 7:30'ish a very apologetic doctor called and said that she would place the order for the needles at the Galesburg Walgreens.  I called my mom and asked her to pick them up and told her that we would meet her at her house.  So, we packed everything up and headed for Galesburg.  We finished the shot at about 8:30... only an hour and a half late! :/ GRR!!!

The next morning I called the pharmacy to find out what happened and the man on the phone said that he did not know what could have happened.  He put me on hold to "look around".  He found the box for overnight in the "pick-up" section.  Then he asks if I want the package to be sent out ASAP, which would mean Wednesday delivery due to the Martin Luther King, Jr. holiday.  We had school scheduled for Monday, so I was SHOCKED that the pharmacy was going to be closed.  I told him that I no longer needed them and that I wanted a refund!  We also found out that it was a holiday for the doctor's office, so they would only have Aly and Gretchen there again.  I realized at that point that it was likely that I would need more meds before they would be able to get them shipped to me.  I started to get a little nervous, but thanfully I have an amazing friend, Alison, who was willing to pick up meds for me from the general pharmacy on Monday!! Not only did she pick them up in Iowa City before the holiday hours, but she demanded that they refund the money that they charged me for the needles that were never sent!! They hadn't  refunded me yet! But, they put the refund on and gave her a receipt to show it!! Go Alison!! :)  So, I had plenty of meds and a refund for the needles that were never sent.

As for Monday's appointment, things were not looking super great.  The follicles were growing VERY slowly!  VERYYYYY slowly!! I knew that they needed to be at 18 and the biggest follicle was a 12.  They said that they would leave my protocol on the Patient Information Line (PIL).  So, we left and waited for the message to show up on the PIL... I have not mentioned the PIL yet, but it is my nemisis... it is basically a voicemail that patients have to check to see if they have any information from the office.  I prefer for people to just call and tell me info so that I can ask my questions right then.  Instead, I check repeatedly for a message until one finally shows up, I have a question, I call and leave a message, they try to call me back, etc... ANNOYING!!!! The message on the PIL said that they were increasing my dosage of Menapur in hopes that the follicles would increase... GOOD thing I had Alison pick up more meds!!!! The PIL also gave us our new time for Wednesday (Yep... the new appointments are not set up in person... a date and time are left on the PIL... another thing I forgot to mention before... we just have to take what they give us.) Good news of the day was that it was too cold for school, so I did not have to take a sick day!!! :)

We continued injections and went in for our appointment on Wednesday.  The follicles were growing... slowly... We had two 14's and then smaller ones for a total of 7 on the right and 2 on the left.  The left side follicles had not been growing at all.  I am fairly certain that my left ovary is dead. It does not grow any sizable follicles, even with stimulation.  They have us meet with the nurse practitioner to go over pre-op information for IVF rerieval and transfer because they are hopeful that things will keep growing with the increased dosages. They then told us to check the PIL for our protcol and next appointment date and time.  At this point I knew that we were hitting crunch time.  Those follicles needed to grow or the cycle would be cancelled.  The PIL said to continue with the higher dosage and to be there on Friday at 8:30 a.m.

Friday I was very nervous.  I knew that it was the moment of truth!  Gretchen started measuring the follicles and we saw that we had one 18! That was great, but we needed at least two to move forward.  She measured another follicle and it was a 15.  :(  Then she measured a third and it was an 18!!! Gretchen gave me a high five!!! :)  She then measured the smaller follicles and we went in to meet with Aly again.  As Gretchen left us in the exam room she said, "Next time I see you we will be looking at a baby!"  It took me a minute to realize what she meant... we have never made it that far! At that point, Aly went over the rest of the retrieval and transfer info with us and told us that she really wasn't sure what they were going to do.  She told us that they could have us do another night of injections in order to try to bring the 15 up to 18.  She told us to call the PIL for protocol and what to do next.  At that point I told her that we did not have our progesterone yet because we didn't realize how quickly things would move over the weekend.  We discussed the fact that there was an impending blizzard on the East Coast.  I began to panic.  We called Mandell's Pharmacy from the exam room and tried to set up delivery.  Mandell's said that they were not certain that they would get the progesterone out before the storm.  I began to FREAK OUT!!! We left a note for Aly with the receptionist and started driving home.  On my way back to work Aly called and gave me a number for the only other pharmacy that could get me my meds.  It was out of Arizona.  Surely the storm wouldn't affect them... but when I called they said that their packages were delayed due  to the storm. :/  Mike and I decided that we would just order from both places and pray!  Insurance does not pay for the progesterone anyway, so it wasn't like the purchase could be denied.  We spent $90 in overnight delivery fees and hundreds for the meds and hoped for the best!  I watched the tracking page through the night and all morning.  When it said that the packages had left the Quad Cities I nearly did backflips!! I could have hugged the delivery guy that afternoon!!! :)

SOOO much pharmacy drama this time!!!!

So, back to Friday and the PIL... they told me to do another night of stimulation meds and to trigger shot on Saturday night at 8:30 p.m. for a Tuesday retrieval.  I immediately saw a red flag.  From previous experience I knew that trigger shots are given 36 hours before retriveal.  So, I called back and left a message for the nurse.  She called back and apologized for the error.  I was right, it would be a Monday retrieval.  (Monday, January 25th)  I am SOOO glad that I called!!  By the time the error was recognized and we got to Iowa City it is likely that I would have already ovulated and the cycle would have been cancelled.  Mistakes happen, always ask questions if you think something doesn't seem right!!!

We decided that we would stay in Iowa City the night before the retrieval since we had to check- in at 8:00 a.m. for an 8:30 a.m. retrieval.  The hotel was fabulous!  We went to a BBQ restaurant that was amazing!! And we had a fiasco involving a manicure that I forgot to have removed.  Of course neither of us could sleep.  :/ It was a ROUGH night in an extremely comfy bed.  What a waste!!

I couldn't eat anything after midnight because of the anesthesia for the surgery.  We got to the hospital right on time and went right up to the 4th floor where the surgery would take place.  They prepped me and we were ready to go.  The IV was an awful experience because I was SOOO dehydrated.  The rest of it went very well.  One thing that I found interesting was that they strapped me to the bed... they have never done that to me before, but they said that it prevents people from kicking the doctor during the surgery.  I was a lot nervous about the anesthesia because I typically do not do well with it, but before I knew it I was waking up in the room I had originally gotten prepped for surgery in.  I woke up very quickly and wasn't nauseated at all!! It was great! Mike looked SO happy when he walked in and saw me wide awake.  He was very surprsed to see me awake!  The doctor came in and told me that they had retrieved 6 eggs.  That was very exciting to me!! They then had us wait for over an hour while they kept and eye on my blood preassure every 15 minutes.  Things were looking good,  it was just a little low and dropped a bit when I sat or stood.  Overall, things went excellently!  They told us to pick up a prescription for pain meds and they gave me portable heat packs to keep on my stomach until we got home.  Then they told me to use the heating pad.

We stopped at the pharmacy to pick up the pain meds and the suppplemental HCG that they were putting me on.  The supplemental HCG is typically used with people over 38, but due to my deminished ovarian reserve they wanted me to use it.  I was in a wheelchair and Mike was talking to the pharmacist.  I asked him to make sure that they had given needles to inject the HCG... SHOCKING... they DID NOT have the needles in the bag!!! UGH!!!!! Not only that, but the doctors had not ordered any.  So, we had to wait on that and then they were kind of snippy about it... More pharmacy drama!!! Ridiculous!!! At one point when the lady was being snippy Mike asked how she would recommend using the medication if they did not provide needles.  The lady was dumbfounded and said that you had to have a needle to dispense it.  He said, "then why would you give it to us without needles?"  She had no answer.  It took quite a while, but we were finally set and ready to go.
That night we started the "rump shots" which are now "hip shots".

I had forgotten how exhausting retrieval is.  I felt absolutely exhausted for days.  I didn't get my energy back until Thursday or Friday.

The day after retrieval we had to call into the PIL and find out how the eggs did.  We found out that 4 of the 6 eggs were mature.  The did ICSI (used a needle to inseminate one sperm into the egg) with the 4 mature eggs and all 4 of them fertilized.  They said that we would have a Saturday transfer and that we had to call back after 3 p.m. on Thursday to get a time for Saturday's retrieval.  So, at 3:00 on Thursday I called the PIL and found out that we needed to check in at the IVF lab at 10:15 on Saturday morning for a 10:45 transfer.  There was no update on the status of our embryos.  (Which may have made me a little crazy!! HAHAH!)  Since we did not have to be there super early we decided to just stay at home instead of staying at a hotel.  We had to do 2 injections Friday night (7:00 and 8:30) so Mike took the night off and we got everything ready for the morning.

Saturday morning Mike woke up at 3 a.m. and I woke up at 4.  I guess there was a lot of nervous energy in our house!  We drove to Iowa City and checked in to the IVF lab.  They got me ready for the procedure and I asked them about the fact that I had had a fever since the retrieval.  They looked at my injection sites and suggested that it was probably due to redness and irritation of my right injection site.  So, they drew another one for us.  Then they took us back to the procedure room.  We were in there for quite a while while they did whatever they had to do to prep for the procedure.  Dr. D came in with a paper that had pictures of all four of our embryos.  He also brought a "report car".  He esplained that the embryo that we would be transfering was EXCELLET and that he was very happy with it.  He would give it an A!  He said that embryo #2 was good and that he thought that it had a chance of being frozen for later use.  He felt that embryos 3 and 4 were in the process of "arresting" and therefore would likely not make it to freeze.  He said that we would need to call the PIL on Monday to find out if any of the embryos survived to freeze.  We could tell from the pictures that embryo #4 was not doing well.  It looked very sad.  But, we had high hopes for the other two!  Next, Dr. D asked me if I thought my bladder was full.  I said that I hoped it was.  I was slightly nervous because instead of waiting 2 hours before the procedure I stopped to pee 12 miles outside of Iowa City... my bladder always gets super full and painful during the procedure, so I thought that I would bypass some of the pain.  Dr. Dused the ultrasound thingy to see if the bladder was ready and he said it was actually VERY full! How does that happen?!?!?! My bladder never wants to empty!  It just doesn't!  So, we were good to go!  Another Dr. started the procedure and then placed a "practice cathedar" to determine if they could get good placement for the embryo.  Then, she inserted the real thing.  We watched as she got the cathedar in position and Dr. D told us that we would not be able to see the embryo because it is so small, so they put an air bubble in the cathedar so that we can see where the embryo ends up in the uterus.  It was really cool to be able to watch the process and see where the embryo was placed.  Once again, they were GREAT about explaining every part of the procedure! It was a great experience.  Once it was over they sent the cathedar to be checked by the embryologist to assure that the embryo made it into my uterus. We got the okay and they started the 5 minute clock until I could go potty!! After that we were sent to get dressed and we took a picture with the sonogram picture that they gave us from after the transfer occured!  :)

We left the hospital, had lunch, and took off to see the Birthday Girl Dolcey!! :)  We had a great visit, but decided that we needed to leave before the party so that we could get back and rest up.  We headed for home, but realized that we should probably stop somewhere  to eat and figure out a place to do our shot.  We ate at the yummy BBQ place in Iowa City and decided that the parking lot at the hotel we stayed at on Sunday would be a good location to do the shot... We had been in the lot 8 times and NEVER seen anyone in it.  So, we pulled up in a well lit spot and I started to prep the injection.  Just as I was stepping out of the vehicle to walk around to Mike's side of the car a person got into a car a couple rows back from us.  We started laughing because the person took off super quickly as I was standing in the parking lot with a needle in my hand! HAHAH!! Then, Mike gave me the injection and as I was adjusting my clothes anothe car pulled up right behind us.  It was a white car and I thought that it was a cop!!! I thought that the original car had called the cops! HAHAH!! Mike and I shared a good laugh and it will definitely be a memory that we do not forget! HAHAH!  We were clear at the END of the lot, which is the very top of a parking garage... how did TWO vehicles show up then of all times! HAHAH!!

We made it home that night and we settled back in, hopeful that this time is going to be different.  I said lots of prayers for the embryo that they transfered and the embryos that were still culturing.  Many, many, many prayers!

Monday morning I called the PIL to check on the embryos that were still culturing.  The message said that unfortunately none of the embryos survived to thaw.  I was very sad to hear that.  I just couldn't understand how embryo #2 that was already a blastocyst in "good" condition could have not made it. I still don't understand... the message said that they would send a letter with a report on the embryos.  In my mind, I felt that they should have thawed that embryo right away because there are many people who never have an excellent embryo to transfer so they would have used that "good" embryo as their transfer.  I can't overthink it... Mike told me to just focus all of my energy on the embryo that we transfered, so that is what I am trying to do.

We are currently in the two week wait period.  Hopefully we will have good news around Valentine's Day!

Thank you for your continued support and prayers!  We truly appreciate you!

Tomorrow...

It has been a long time since I posted.  A lot has happened... yet nothing has happened!  Such is the world of infertility.

It has been nearly two months since our last IVF cycle was cancelled before we even got started.  During that time I have done a lot of waiting and worrying.  I tried not to worry, but my body was acting crazy.  I had very specific dates that were given to me that would determine how we would proceed.  If I started my period before December 16th we would have to wait a month before doing our Estrogen Priming Cycle.  If I started my period on or after the 16th we would start right away. I was super nervous about all of this because it was new.  I thought of a million things that could happen, but what was not expected was that I would not start my period... instead I spotted and stopped... spotted and stopped.  It started on the 13th and I was very confused.  By the 21st I knew that I had to face the inevitable.  I had to take a pregnancy test before calling to ask them what to do or they would have me go in for a pregnancy test.  (I have been through this before.)  So, I did the home pregnancy test and waited for the moment that I have had time after time... the moment when you move beyond all reason into a state of hopefulness!  Yep!! For a few moments I thought that maybe, just maybe it could be true.  But, once again it was negative.

I called the office in Iowa City on Tuesday and left a message letting them know about the spotting and the fact that I didn't know what was happening.  Just as I had thought, the nurse called back and said, "In your file we have down that we suggested timed intercourse while you waited"... at that point I cut her off and told her that I took a pregnancy test that was negative.  She said, "Darn! Well, I am not sure what is going on then.  I will have to get back with the doctors and we will call you back."  So, I waited the rest of that day without hearing back from them and then got a call the next morning.  The nurse said, "Your body really doesn't like to do what it is supposed to, does it?"  I chucked and said, "No, no it does NOT!".  She said that the doctors had decided that I should start using ovulation prediction sticks to determine if I had ovulated or not.  If I did, they would start the Estrogen Priming Cycle.  If I did not get a "smile" on the ovulation stick by Monday, December 28th I would have to start Provera to force a period.  I HATE Provera!!! Hate it!! It was not nice to my body last time I had to take it.  So, I worried!!! I also worried because the nurse told me that if they could not force a period and get an Estrogen Priming Cycle started by Jan. 15th we woud have to cancel this IVF cycle and try again in the spring.  Panic set in!! How did I go from possibly waiting a month to possibly waiting a WHOLE CYCLE?!???!?  Luckily, I got my "smile" on Sunday and was able to call Monday morning to report it!!! Phew!! I am sure you can imagine what a nervous wreck I was each morning that there was no smile though... ugh!!!

That whole time period between the 13th and the 27th was very stressful.  It is hard to describe the emotions now because I did get the "smile", but it was definitely a nervous time.  I repeatedly prayed that God would grant me peace over whatever happened and that I would be able to accept His timing.  I nearly cried on that Sunday when I saw the smile!!!

Monday morning I talked to the nurse a couple times.  The first call was to report the "smile" and set up my Estrogen Priming Cycle.  We worked through the calendar together and mapped out my medications.  At one point I asked for clarification about a date that I was given.  I had a different date as my medication start date than she did.  It turned out that I was correct. I am not saying this to boast.  I am saying this to remind people that we have to be our own advocates!!!! Mistakes happen.  We are all human.  Don't stay quiet when you feel that something is wrong.  Minutes matter when dealing with infertility. A day off could mean a cancelled cycle!!! Always go with your gut and trust your instincts!!!

At the end of the first conversation the nurse told me that we will have to go in for an internal ultrasound the day that I start my next period.  That caused a bit of panic because of work, but I felt a little better when I found out that we can go to Davenport for it instead of going all the way to Iowa City.  The call ended with me being excited and nervous for a new adventure.  We have never tried an Estrogen Priming Cycle before... maybe this is just what we need!!!!

Then the phone rang again about 1 minute later.  It was the nurse.  She said, "I was just thinking... I don't know how you would feel about this (CUE MY NERVES EXPLODING!!!) but if you have your ultrasound in Davenport and everything looks good to proceed you will have to make a trip to Iowa City to get your meds.  She said that it might be best if I went ahead and picked up the IVF meds when I picked up the estrogen priming meds.  She said that she had to warn me that cancellation was still possible and that the decision was mine.  I decided that I needed to put faith in this cycle and I told her to go ahead an prep the meds for both the estrogen priming and the IVF cycles!  I picked them up on Wednesday in Iowa City and it was such a surreal feeling!!! Here we go again!!!! I have meds in my crisper drawer, meds in my dining room, meds in my bedroom, and meds in my kitchen!! We also have Sharps containers all over!!!

Tomorrow morning I will begin the cycle by taking estrogen in the morning and evening.  I will continue that until January 17th.  I will do Antagon injections on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday.  Then we will wait for my period!!! I asked the nurse what to expect and she said that she does not have any idea how my body will respond.  She also pointed out that my cycle is a little different because of my reaction to estrogen patches.  I have to take estrogen pills, which is not their normal protocol.  So, we will just have to wait and see!!  At least I am consistant in the fact that I am extremely unique in my treatments!! ;)

In other news, I gave up on the doctor's diet a LONG time ago.  I had lost 6 pounds between Sept. 13th and my initial visit.  While on the 1200 calorie diet I lost a couple pounds right away and then started GAINING weight!!! YEP!! I was furious!! At one point I even went to Walgreens and bought diet pills!!! I went out to my car with them and sat down. Beat myself up for a few minutes and then walked right back in and returned them!  Everything said that they could cause liver damage... why would I do that to my body?!?!?!  So, I talked to several people including a different doctor and they said that my body was storing all of the food I was taking in.   So, I gave up on the diet and just quit stressing about it.  Just going off of the evil birth control seemed to be helping, so I decided to just make sure I was not eating out of boredom and I started eating breakfast every day.  Since September 13th I have lost 21 pounds and I am doing it without starving or taking those stupid diet pills!!! My body really did not like being on the pill and I think it is celebrating the fact that I will not take it again!!!! :)  Hopefully I continue to see results, but with meds starting tomorrow I am not going to be too hard on myself!

The doctor has never reweighed me anyway, so I only have myself to impress!!!

Thank you for continuing to follow our journey.  We appreciate your thoughts and prayers as we enter into the unknown!  I know that there are still risks of cancellation, but I am thrilled that we are attempting something new instead of doing more of the same!!!

Have a wonderful night!! :)

Cancelled

I wish I had better news about today's appointment in Iowa City, but I don't.  I wasn't even aware that cancellation was a possibility at a baseline ultrasound appointment.  But, apparently my body has found a new way to be an obnoxious mess!

When we got to the University of Iowa today we were immediately taken back for our baseline ultrasound.  I told the the wonderful ultrasound lady that once again I had bleeding and cramping even though I had been taking the pill every night.  She said that many people have that and said not to worry, but to definitely tell the nurses when they take me to the exam room.  During the ultrasound she told me that my lining had a "menstrual" look to it.  She measured all kinds of things, but my eye was drawn to a couple "dark blobs" that she was measuring.  I have had this done enough times to know that at this stage I should not have blobs like that.  But, I also knew enough to know that if I asked what they were she wouldn't be able to tell me.  When we got to the waiting room to wait for the nurse to call us back I said, "Mike, I want to know what those black blobs were."  He never knows what to look for in the ultrasound images so he had no idea what I was talking about, but assured me that they would let us know.

The nurse called us back to the exam room and "cleaned up my chart" while she waited on word from the doctors.  She called back to confirm with them that what they had found were two large follicles.  Large follicles are not good at this point.  They mean that the birth control did not shut everything down.  They mean that my body was not responding the way it should have to the hormones.  They meant that things were possibly going to be set back.  The nurse told us that the doctor had ordered an estrodial blood test to determine if my estrogen levels were higher than they should be. She said that it was possible that I would need to remain on the birth control longer and that our cycle would be pushed back a bit. She sent us to the labratory and told us that she would call my cell phone in about an hour and fifteen minutes to let us know to come back for the results.

We went to the cafeteria, we wandered around the hospital, we realized that we had no idea what to do for that amount of time.  But, we were thankful that they were looking deeper into the situation.

Right when she said she would, our lovely nurse called and said that my estrogen levels were high and asked us to meet her in waiting room 3.  We got back there and waited.  She came and said that she was waiting on the doctors.  Mike was in the restroom when she came back and got me to go into a consultation room.  She walked in with me and said, "The doctors determined that this cycle has to be cancelled." She left the room to get some more information and I stood in shock.  I was not expecting that.  I text Mike to tell him where I was and he joined me in the room.  I explained what was happening.  He asked what my levels were and I told him that I hadn't even thought to ask at the time.  He told me that this could be a good thing... I just stared at him. 

The nurse came back and sat down with us.  She was very kind and explained that my two large follicles were creating too much estrogen to move forward.  I asked about my estrogen levels and she said that mine was 209 and it had to be below 90 to proceed.  YIKES!! She told me to stop taking the pill right away and to let them know when I truly start my period.  She explained that the doctors would discuss my case at a team meeting and that they would mail me a letter with their next steps. She said that in the mean time we could try naturally.  She saw the look on my face and said, "I know the odds don't look good, but you do have the two big follicles."  I responded with saying that I just didn't understand how any of this could work if I was going off the pill and starting my cycle.  She agreed that the chances were very slim, but encouraged us to try anyway.  Afterall, we will not be in another IVF cycle until February or March...

I asked the nurse if we could try Lupron to suppress the follicles and prepare my body.  She told me that with the small number of follicles that I have they would not want to risk suppression.  It was better to start fresh in another cycle.  I was so confused.  We had used Lupron in a similar situation before (in Rockford).  Did this mean that previously they were simply pushing us through even though my body was not ready?  Did it mean that those embryos didn't really have a chance because my hormones were off?  I was so upset, frustrated, confused.... Not with the University of Iowa, but because I knew what we had been through before and they were saying that those options were not options for us. 

We walked out of the University of Iowa in two completely different states of mind.  Mike was pumped!  He is so excited that they did not move forward.  He said that it showed that they were not just after our money and that they actually wanted to make sure that things were right before moving forward.  He didn't think that waiting was a big deal at all.  He said that it really made him feel good about our decision to go there.  He was impressed that I was able to discuss all of the medications by name with the nurse...  That I was asking lots of questions that made sense.  He said that none of this makes sense to him, but that he can tell that I really understand it and that he saw them taking my questions seriously. 

I, on the other hand, was extremely upset and frustrated.  I didn't say anything at the time, but I think it was because what Mike said was right... I DO get it.  I understand all of this and what is SUPPOSED to happen with my body when they give me various medications.  I understand my cycle and the various things that are happening to my body throughout it.  I know that I should not have two large follicles ready to ovulate on day 24 of my cycle... I ovulate on day 13 almost every cycle... if not it is a day early or a day late.  AND, I was on birth control so I shouldn't have ovulated in the first place.  None of my follicles should have matured.  They should have just stayed dormant.  None of this was making sense to me and I was not in the mood to hear anything that the rational part of my brain already knew.  OF COURSE they were doing the right thing by putting a stop to this cycle, but it wasn't what I wanted and most of all it just didn't seem fair!!! How did my body find yet another way to let me down?  One way that I didn't realize that this cycle could be cancelled and my body found it!  (Last night before we went to bed I had told Mike that I had a nervous feeling that didn't make any sense and it was finally crystal clear.  I could tell that something was wrong... the bleeding and cramping just didn't seem normal. I should have known!)

So while he was excited, I was very quiet.  And poor Mike was trying.  He really was.  He was trying to help me to see how great it was that they were taking a step back.  And I was getting more and more upset.  I was quiet on the way home.  I was quiet while we ate dinner. And Mike continued to try to help me see that this is all part of God's plan for us.  Finally, I told him that I know that it is true, but it isn't easy for me to accept right now.  I told him everything I was thinking.  I told him that he is right, that I do understand the images on the ultrasounds, the language that the doctors and nurses are using, the treatment protocols, and what my body is doing.  I understand it all and that is what makes it so hard.  I know what I am up against.  I know that my egg reserve is limited.  I know that we are battling a clock.  I know that it isn't going to happen over night, but that if this doesn't work in March then it will be June and then we will be looking at insurance renewal or change.  And then who knows if we would be able to proceed or if we would have to wait.  Then if we had to wait we would be looking at about a year from now... the doctor told us at the last appointment that he wasn't worried about 3 months, but a year or 18 months could be a different story as far as my eggs were concerned... So what would we do then?!?!?  All of this is on my mind every day because I understand what the consequences of cancelled and failed cycles are!

We had a good conversation and I told him that I really do understand that what they did today was absolutely the right thing.  I also told him that it just made me sad to know that we would be waiting and then continuing with trial and error until we can find something that works.  I absolutely understand that this is how it has to be, but I don't have to like it!

So, I agreed that it was okay for him to be happy with the outcome.  I told him that I can't help but be sad.  We agreed that it was easier to deal with today then it would have been to lose embryos a month from now.  He reminded me for the millionth time that this is all part of God's plan for us... he really does an amazing job of always keeping that in mind.  We agreed that though the reason isn't currently clear, all of this is happening for a reason.  He says that he truly believes that I am supposed to have this knowledge.  He believes that I am meant to help others by learning through our experiences.  And once again, I think he was right.  When I started this blog it was because I felt that I was truly called to share our story.  Since starting the blog I have received many messages letting me know that our story has helped other people facing similar struggles.  And to be honest, when I hear those things I am thankful for our trials and our journey.  So, I am giving myself permission to be mad and to pout... but I cannot remain stuck in this funk!  I have to start moving forward so that we are ready in February or March!

Thank you for continuing to follow our journey and for supporting us through the good, the bad, and my whiny!! Thank you for your thoughts and prayers and we continue forward. 

Today was definitely unexpected, but it is not the end of our journey!