Maybe...

I have sat down to write many times over the last week.  There are two drafts in progress that just never made it to the point that I felt right hitting the "publish" button.  In all honesty, my back issue made it possible for me to just be a complete grump.  Yes, the pain was like nothing I have ever felt before.  I don't even remember the pain after surgery being like the pain I felt last Friday.  But, what shocked me was how far I let it bring me down.  I guess I couldn't handle the emotional pain and physical pain combo that was happening.  Along with the fact that deep down I was convinced that the nurse was wrong.  See... physically I had not lost the embryos yet.  I hadn't had a "period" Even through the weekend I was still convinced that they could absolutely have been wrong.  Maybe it was just a late implantation.  I kept asking myself whether I should start up injections again "just in case".  I decided that I was going to call on Monday at lunch to see if they could do another test.  Then on Monday as I sat playing a sight word game with a group of kindergarteners I knew that they were right.  Monday was rough and extremely painful.  Thankfully a friend from school referred me to her chiropractor and he was able to do an adjustment to my pelvis that gave me some relief from the back pain because I just couldn't take that pain anymore.  The "period" was more pain than I could handle and the additional back pain was horrendous.  Thankfully Monday was the worst of my pain and things have been just "regularly painful" yesterday and today.  Though my cranky demeanor could be blamed on the hormone changes, the stress, the back pain, etc. I think it comes down to the fact that I am not in control and I don't have a plan.

Tonight I "made the mistake" of watching "The Fault in Our Stars".  Don't get me wrong, it was an amazing movie.  I intend to read the book soon because it I enjoyed the movie SO much.  But, I say that I "made the mistake" of watching the movie because it caused me to get WAY too emotional at a very late hour in the day.  I just finished the movie and it is getting late! It caused me to think of so many maybes.  So many "what ifs".  I won't bore you with all of the maybes or what ifs, but the last one was very profound to me... (For those of you who are not familiar with the movie, the main characters are teens with cancer.  The girl knows that she is terminally ill from the beginning of the movie.  There is so much more to this story, but that is all I need to share to continue my thoughts!) So, my last maybe... my last what if was: What if the answer to this journey is that this is all I can handle?!? What if the pain that I feel now is so much less than the pain I would feel if my prayers were answered and my dreams came true?!? What if God knows that He is saving me from pain and loss that I could not bounce back from, couldn't create a plan to move forward from, couldn't fake a smile to get through?!?! WOW! When that thought hit me I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed.  I sobbed because it hit me that I could go through all of this in hopes that a miracle will happen only to have that ripped away in an instant and MAYBE that is what God is trying to save me from.  Maybe He knows that I am not strong enough to face that.  This was just one of the many maybes and what ifs that have crossed my mind over the course of the last week (and month, and year, and several years before that...), but it was definitely one that hit hard.  I live in awe of the parents who face such horrific trials.  I watch them take each day in stride and I pray for God to give them strength and peace.  I cannot fathom what they are going through.  Absolutely cannot fathom it.

I guess I have spent a lot of time focusing on the "why" of this.  Not the "why me", but more of the "what am I supposed to learn from this".  I just feel like there has to be something... right?!?! It just wouldn't make sense that this was happening without a purpose.

But, maybe I haven't found the right answer yet.  Maybe, just maybe the world isn't ready for a little McVey to join the world yet.  Maybe God has such HUGE intentions for that little McVey that he/she has to be born at just the right time. Maybe he/she has to be frozen longer to gain the wisdom necessary to cure the evil illnesses of the world.  Yep, that has to be it!

Ugh, I better go to bed.  It is already Thursday and it is going to be a LONG day.  It is the Spring Concert for United West.  It just hit me that I have absolutely no clue what the theme is for this program.  A strange reality of not having my own classroom anymore.

Thank you to all of you who have continued to pray for us and have kept us in your thoughts.  Unfortunately in every journey there are twists and turns along the way.  This just happens to be one of those times.  As usual, Mike seems to be doing really well.  This time I feel like I got to a "bridge closed sign" and there isn't a posted detour.   Someday soon I will start researching and find my way again.  It is just taking a little longer this time.  And that's okay!
Goodnight!