Update and Annual Exam

To catch everyone up, I went to the school board meeting last Thursday and found that not all of the staff had turned in their insurance applications for Blue Cross Blue Shield on time or completed correctly so we do not have any information on what insurance we will have for the next year.  This is frustrating because I will not be able to determine what facility we will use or complete any cycles this summer without knowledge of what our insurance will be.  I am trying to look at the bright side and think that after the long, horrible cycle I just finished my body might have a little break from the crazy.  I am not going to lie and say that it is easy, but at least I can see a bit of silver lining through the muck! ;)

Today I had my annual exam.  I know how much we all LOVE annual exams! ;) Well, I was actually excited to see the nurses who were so helpful to me in the earlier stages of our infertility.  They are so caring and truly make me feel that they are cheering for us and praying for us throughout this journey.  The sweet nurse of my nurse practitioner gave me a hug and asked me if we had any good news to share.  She said that she prays for us and thinks of us often (We have been told that we are kind of celebrities in that office due to my special cases... aka: what a complete mess I am... not sure that is a good thing!!! HAHA!!). She said that she just knows that things will work out for us.  She took down all of my new information and was shocked to hear everything my body had been through since I was there one year ago.

I was also excited for this visit because I knew that they had changed the timeline for when you have to have a Pap Smear and this was not supposed to be a year I had to have one.  But, bummer... they decided that since I have been on so many meds I needed to have the Pap test just to be safe.  So, we took care of that and the rest of the wellness exam and reviewed the status of all of my IVF stuff.  (This is my regular gynocologists office, not the reproductive endocrinologist, so they were not up to date on everything that has happened.)  She started off by saying that she would recommend that I start getting mammograms at the age of 35 if my insurance will cover it.  (I instantly thought of Giuliana Rancic and the fact that they found breast cancer during her infertility treatments... I am glad that this lady is thinking about the all of the side effects that infertility meds can cause.  It is not fun to think about, but it is the smart thing to do.) I told her that I would be 34 next month, so I would have to start looking into it next summer.  She told me that I look 25 and that compared to people who have gone through much less than I have (treatment wise) she said I look amazing.  She said my skin looks fabulous and that she feels that the stress and emotions of all of this are not showing external signs.  She said that some people come out of treatment cycles looking extremely rough! I thanked her for that and told her that I wasn't sure I looked that young, but I appreciated the compliments! ;) I said that I guess weight gain as my major side effect wasn't as bad as "looking extremely rough"!!! Once again... silver lining! ;)

I guess it is easy to beat yourself up and forget that your body is really going through the ringer.  I read a blog entry last night from a girl who said that she no longer owns a camera due to what infertility treatments have done to her body and the way she looks now.  She hasn't had surgeries and scars like I have, but she has also experienced weight gain and I think the hormones have caused some of the "rough" look that my nurse practitioner spoke of.  All I could think of is how sad I am for her.  She said that she used to love to take pictures and she actually had many pictures from pre-infertility treatments up on her page, but she had none that were anywhere close to current.  I admit that I cringe when I see a picture of the new me. I am okay with the everyday life, walking by a mirror and seeing what has happened to my body... but a PICTURE... that is a tough pill to swallow.  So, I get it.  I understand how she could get to the point that she wouldn't even want a camera around.  But, then again, I look pictures from over the last 6 years and I see the various points of our journey.  I see times that my hormones were out of wack and I am "ballooned out" and I see times that we were making progress and the balloon has deflated some.  It really is all part of this process and it is part of our story.  I try to embrace it and shake it off as much as I can, accepting that some days will be easier than others and that someday I will look back at pictures from this time of my life and remember how strong I had to be during this time.  Or I will just look back and say WOW! I really ballooned out!! ;) This week I donated 5 bags of clothes to the Strom Center and I already feel better knowing that I don't have the pressure of trying to fit into the various sizes that were in my dresser from the last year.  Like I told the nurse practitioner, the week that they had me on NO MEDICATION, absolutely nothing, I lost 6 pounds without changing a single thing in my routine or diet.  But, as soon as they added the BCP back to my routine I stopped losing weight immediately and have just stayed right at that point.  My body just does not like taking hormones!!! 

Back to the appointment... Everyone at the office was so kind and told me that they had truly hoped that I would come in with great news.  I went through a lot with that office as we discovered my vitamin deficiences and endometriosis.  I can tell that they truly care about me and it felt good to know that they have been praying for our journey.  The nurse practitioner who completed my exam asked me if I believe in God's perfect plan and I told her that I do, but it doesn't mean that it is easy.  She laughed and said that after nearly 6 years and all the treatments we have been through it would be hard for anyone to be strong all the time.  She told me that she would continue to pray.  She told me that most people would not have made it this far in their journey and still be willing to continue on with it.  

Before I left she asked me how I was doing emotionally.  I told her that I have found myself going through stages.  I said that I am beyond the stage of feeling shame for not being able to get pregnant and the stage of embarassment that my body is not doing what humans are designed to do.  Those stages lasted a long time.  I told her that I am now at a point in which it is hard, but I realize that I am doing everything I possibly can to try to grow our family.  I told her that it is really hard for me to be AS hopeful as I was in the begining because it is just too hard to get that disappointing call and to mourn the loss of those embryos.  We talked about the fact that I have lost 6 embryos and how that can effect a person.  We talked about my desire to find a new protocol so that we do not continue the insanity of repeatedly attempting the same protocols.  We talked about adoption and the fact that the private adoption sites that I looked at had a requirement that we would be finished with fertility treatments if we started the adoption process.  We talked about why they have that requirement and the fact that I completely understood why that policy existed.  We also talked about the fact that I am just not ready to give up yet and that I don't feel "called" to adopt yet.  It was so nice that she was empathetic and asked questions that she truly wanted to know the answers to without passing judgement.  And it was nice that she had a true understanding of the logistics of all of this and the fact that none of this is as easy as it sounds or seems.

They were very surprised by the fact that my current specialist took me off of all of my supplements that were being used to regulate my iron, ferritin, vitamin D, and vitamin B levels.  I explained that he doesn't believe in those deficiencies causing difficulties with fertility and that he doesn't believe in high natural killer cells or insulin resistance causing issues either.  Hopefully a different facility will address those issues.

Now I wait a couple weeks to get the results.  Hopefully we find that everything is still perfectly fine and that there are no new concerns.

Thank you for your continued support as we continue through this journey!! I am blessed with a great support system! :) 

The craziness continues...

It has been quite a while since I last wrote a post.  The last I wrote I had called the doctor and I was waiting to find out the results of blood work.  I guess things just got crazy busy at that point because I never posted an update with the results... When they called with the results they said that I did not ovulate for some reason.  They gave me medication called Provera and told me that I needed to take it for 10 days and that sometime between the day I stopped taking it and 7 days after I stopped taking it I would get a period.  Well, not surprisingly, I started bleeding on day 7 of taking the medication.  Of course I panicked! Though I was glad to end the terribly long, ovulationless cycle (it ended up being 6 weeks/ 42 days long) I did not know why my body was reacting early.  It was Memorial Day, which meant the the office was closed, but first thing the next morning I called the doctor's office again and they told me to continue taking the medicine or my body could stop this reaction and I could have further problems. GREAT!!!! They also told me that since I would take my last pill on Thursday I would need to start birth control on Friday in order to attempt to get my body regulated for a future IVF cycle.  So, I finished out the meds which were HORRIBLE due to yucky side effects.   So much pain, cramping, bloating, etc.  I looked up reviews of the meds to make sure that I shouldn't be concerned about what was going on with my body, but I quickly found out that the side effects were 'normal'... Yay! ;) Grouchy does not even begin to describe the way I felt and I really can't describe the way I was feeling physically.   I followed the protocol that they gave me and I waited... I read more about the meds because I was feeling SO terrible and having such a heavy response... I called the doctor again after 15 days of heavy bleeding and asked them what I should do.  (After one of my surgeries I had 20 days of bleeding and was very anemic.  They used birth control to stop the bleeding.  The fact that I was already on the birth control made me very nervous and I could tell that my iron was very low because I was very symptomatic.) After I left a message for the nurse I drove to Peoria just in case they would try to fit me into an open slot.  I felt bad enough that I wanted to make sure I was available if they were available.  the Mercers met me in Peoria and we hung out while we waited for the doctor's office to call back.  When they hadn't called back 6 hours later I left another message.  She called me back a little before 4:00 and said that I was going to have to make a choice.  Evidently my body lost a lot of lining very quickly, causing my lining to be extremely thin.  She said that if the lining is too thick it will not shed (supposedly this was my initial problem). She said that is the lining is too thin it will not stop shedding (supposedly this was what was happening as I spoke to her). The heaviness and clotting were a common issue caused by the meds. SO, I had a choice to make.  I could either stay on the pill and continue bleeding indefinitely, but be able to complete a July cycle if everything worked out with insurance and a protocol/facility we were happy with OR I could stop the pill, which should cause a "reset" for my body and should stop the bleeding by the 18th.... Yep, you read that right I was talking to her on the 8th and we were hoping for a possible stop by the 18th. :( I asked her what she would do if she were me and she said that one of the things that they love about me and appreciate about me is that I am always willing to do whatever is asked of me and whatever it takes in order to have a chance to grow our family.  But, if it were her and she were symptomatic of anemia like I was she would stop the pill and risk missing out on the next IVF cycle.  That was all I needed to hear.    I truly was feeling terrible.  I couldn't imagine continuing to feel this way indefinitely as we waited to hear about the new insurance.  So, they instructed me to continue to take the birth control through Wednesday night and stop it on Thursday.  I followed their instructions and I am currently at 21 days/ 3 weeks of bleeding and I am still feeling awful.  I am taking supplements to try to keep my iron, ferritin, and vitamin b levels up, but they also cause stomach issues so I have to be careful of that.  I don't take them everyday to prevent the stomach issues from getting too intense, but I feel so zapped when I don't take them.  My chiropractor also reminded me last time that I was there that due to my endometriosis I am also bleeding internally right now because the endometriosis is shedding just like my regular lining is.  That causes a lot of pain and an amazingly attractive amount of bloat and inflamation!! ;) I don't even want to know what they would find if they did another surgery for the endometriosis.  This CANNOT be good for it! :(

So, I continue to wait for my body to determine that it is going to stop being crazy.  I have to start the birth control again on Thursday in order to complete the "reset". I am hopeful that things will go back to normal then, although it would not be shocking to me if I had to call and seek guidance again.  Thursday night is also the school board meeting in which they will determine the insurance that we will have starting July 1st.  Once we know that information I will be able to start making calls to determine where we will move forward.  It is maddening to think that if our insurance would have changed in July last year instead of in June we might not have had to go through this craziness.  I truly believe that the intralipid therapy with Dr. Horowitz would have been the answer and that was supposed to start at the beginning of June last summer.  The schools fiscal year begins July 1st, so it really would have made sense to have it change then... Ehh, I know that there is nothing that can be done now, but that doesn't make it any easier to stomach... Especially when things are so frustrating right now.  Unfortunately Dr. Horowitz has now moved to Virginia or West Virginia (or some other Eastern state!).  So, we are really starting from scratch as we try to move forward and I will be turning 34 next month.  That might not sound like a big deal, but if you look up the chances of getting pregnant at the age of 34 and beyond when you have stage 4 endometriosis and high natural killer cells you will see why it is so much scarier than when I was 32 (almost 33) when we were supposed to go through IVF last June. Each month has a bleaker outlook. :/ (Sorry, I realize that this is quite a downer post, but it is just the reality of what we are facing.)

Yesterday was our 6th wedding anniversary.  Mike had a client meeting in the morning, an open house in the afternoon, and he worked at the Italian Village until a little after 11 last night which meant that I had a LOT of time to sit at home and think... WOW! Things are so different than I had imagined they would be at this point in our lives.  We have been together for over 11 and 1/2 years now and we really thought that we would start a family not long after we got married 6 years ago.  Boy do plans change!!! So many things are different than I imagined... Though most of the time I am able to go with the flow and roll with the fact that this isn't how I imagined things would be for us at this point there are times like today that it is just hard.  I can't be sunshine and rainbows all the time. It just wouldn't be real and I want this blog to be authentic.

I am sure that tomorrow will be a better day.  I am going to take my iron and ferritin again, so it might give me a little pep and energy! :)

Mike and I will have a lot of decisions to make and they will need to be made very quickly once we find out what my insurance will be.  We appreciate your continued thoughts and prayers as we try to determine the path that we are meant to travel.  It is so hard to be patient and wait for God's timing.  Mike appears to be MUCH better at waiting than I am.  We don't talk about his much when we are in a "waiting phase", so I don't really know his thoughts on it right this moment, but I can say with certainty that he isn't a looney as I am right now... but, to give myself a little credit, he also hasn't been bleeding heavily for 3 weeks!! ;) hahahah!!

Thank you for your continued support of our journey.  I hope to have some good news updates soon!  If we switch to Blue Cross Blue Shield I plan to contact an endometriosis clinic soon to see what they have to offer us in terms of protocol and information.  I also plan to contact SHER Institute to see what the new doctor has to say about my case.  If we find out that we are sticking with Health Alliance as our insurance we will submit our paperwork to Iowa City to implant our remaining embryo and then we will have to determine how we will move forward from there due to their embryo freezing policies.  At this point I feel that moving to Blue Cross Blue Shield would have the best options for us, but I have to trust that things will work out the way they are supposed to.  We should know in just a few days either way.

Have a great evening.  Try to stay dry in all of this crazy stormy weather we are having!